Growing Boy
an excerpt

Chapter 1

To make a long story short, Ben has always wanted more out of life. And, when you want more out of life, there is one place to go, especially if you live in the suburbs. To get more, you have to go to Costco.

As he approached the gaping maw that served as both entrance and exit to the warehouse store, he slid the simple membership card out of his wallet and flashed it to the Filipino man who was ostensibly guarding the door. The Costco company behaves as if membership to the store is some sort of exclusive right, but they pretty much hand out their little red, white and blue member card to almost anyone who walks in and forks over the annual fee. Since Ben got his card through his employer, it never occurred to him that people pay Costco money for the privilege of saving money.

The entrance to Costco is like walking in to Disneyland, which was conveniently situated just a few miles from where Ben stood at that very moment. The shopper is overwhelmed with a range of consumer options, from this week’s specials on the right (Docker’s slacks for just $15.99 and a case of Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky for $9.99) on the left along the fence dividing the entrance from the exit, and a panorama of very large televisions to the left. All of the televisions were playing the same thing, a Robin Williams comedy that had just come out on DVD (Available in Costco’s media section for just $11.99). The movie looked much better on these high definition sets than they ever did in the multiplex around the corner.

Even though he could not afford one, Ben stopped to look up at the wide array of large flat screen televisions that were on display, ranging in price from $599 to $3999 and in sizes from 27 inches to 72 inches. Ben wanted one desperately. He was so ready to ditch the old standard TV that took up 30 cubic feet of space in his small one bedroom apartment. Not only was his current TV set huge by 2007 standards, the color was starting to go out, providing a less than satisfactory viewing experience. He longed to save space by hanging a pristine large screen on his wall, as if it were art, and settle in to watch all of his favorite old movies over again on high definition or blu ray DVD on his brand new top of the line screen. The first DVD would be Michael Mann’s HEAT starring Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino in their first on screen pairing (because everyone knows that THE GODFATHER PART II does not count because they did not share screen time). And, he would never go to a movie theatre again. It might even be worth it to order movies on demand over his cable service. Or download movies from iTunes or Netflix.

But, Ben didn’t have $3999. He didn’t even have $599 for the smallest big screen. But, he compared their specs nonetheless and imagined getting one in the future. If he saved $100 bucks from each paycheck, he might be able to afford one next year. “And, by then, they might be cheaper.” He told himself.

There was business to attend to, so he moved on to wander the maze of offerings that Costco presented to him. His mission today was to get some basic stuff for work: copy paper, shipping tubes, good packing tape, stacks of blank CDs, etc. Ben managed the neighborhood U Ship It Store and Postal Stop (but he didn’t own the franchise). Even though he was here on company business, he often did a little shopping himself and reimbursed his boss Roger for the personal expenses.

After loading the strangely elevated and shallow shopping cart with everything he needed for the store, he began to browse for himself. Even though he couldn’t afford a big screen TV, even a small big screen TV, he could afford some staples, and maybe a DVD.

The media section lay ahead of him, just past the clothes, up on the left. The 30 foot high ceilings and wide aisles gave him a satisfying sense of freedom, and he pushed the cart briskly forward. Sometimes, maybe when he had nothing better to do, he would come wander through Costco, just looking at what they had to offer. It was just more interesting than walking around a park (no dog poop) or nearby Huntington Beach (he was too fair for the sun). Multi packs of nice picture frames. Containers of 12 boxes of 5000 staples (“Who needs 60,000 staples?” he would think with a smile and an ironic shake of the head). Packages of 4 dozen freshly baked bagels. Enormous cuts of beef and ribs. And, his favorite, lightly seasoned rotisserie chickens right out of the oven for just $4.99.

The DVD section was increasingly devoted to just large box sets and this week’s hot new releases, which disappointed him because he wanted a wide selection, but he was still sucked in by the great deals. The entire 12 seasons of M*A*S*H for just $149.00! Who could beat that? He recently bought that, considering it to be a deal compared to how much money and time had been devoted to creating the series over 12 years. He hadn’t watched it yet, but was looking forward to starting it up and watching all 130+ hours of the series.

This week, he was glad to see the full series box of The Greatest American Hero had arrived. As he picked it up, though, he was somewhat distracted by the woman browsing the stacks of inexpensive new hardcover books next to the DVD section. She was holding the latest release from right wing pundit Ann Coulter. The one thing Ben hated about living in Orange County was being surrounded by shallow minded Republicans who listen to harpies like Ann Coulter. What was worse was that this fellow shopper was quite young and beautiful, unlike most church lady female republicans in Orange County. “The local Young Republicans Club must be freaking out over her,” he thought to himself. But, something else caught his eye just as he was about to return to The Greatest American Hero. He saw her toss the book back on the stack so it landed upside down while she muttered to herself, “What a fucking nutjob” With a small sense of peace over that incident, he returned the DVD box set to its display container and moved on, Hero less.

Time was passing and he had to get back to the store to relieve Jackie, the Fullerton College student who worked part time for him. He swung by the chicken section and grabbed the largest, darkest chicken he could find, and then hit the condiments aisle. The one true thing you can say about almost all white American bachelors in their twenties (And somewhat into their thirties) is that their fridges and cupboards are filled with more condiments than one person could possibly use. Yet, they somehow get used and re bought at Costco.

“What could someone possibly do with all that mayonnaise?” he heard from behind him as he reached for a gallon jug of Best Foods.

Ben whipped around, surprised by the voice and the question, asking “Huh?”

And there was the young and beautiful and possibly not Republican woman who dissed Ann Coulter. She had a shopping basket filled with lots of produce, a cookbook, a copy of the novel The Lovely Bones, and large container of multi vitamins. “Excuse me…am I in your way?” he asked her.

“No, I’m just teasing you. I was just wondering why someone needs that much mayonnaise. Are you gonna eat all that?”

“I guess so. Eventually.”

“What are you going to do with it? Do you eat a lot of cole slaw? I love mayonnaise, but I just haven’t had a need for the Costco sized one yet.”

“I put it on sandwiches mostly.”

“Want to split it? I could chip in and put some in one of those disposable Glad containers. Seriously. I need some mayonnaise, and hate to spend a lot of money on it.”

Ben, looked at her cock eyed to figure out what this woman’s game was. “Why should I split my mayonnaise with some strange woman I don’t even know.”

The woman, who stood barely an inch taller than Ben, chuckled with a little smile and said ever so slyly, “I said I’d chip in. And, my name is Libby.” Libby reached out her hand for a shake.

Ben realized that he really didn’t need this much mayonnaise all at one time. There was no reason NOT to split it with this woman named Libby, other than inconvenience. And, unfortunately, this was the one condiment that did not come in 3 packs of smaller containers. If that were the case, he would probably just give her one and keep the other two. But, this gallon jug sized container of mayonnaise presented certain challenges.

“So, if we were to split the mayonnaise…how much would you want? And when and where would we split it?” he asked, adding, “And, my name is Ben.”

“Well, Ben, I think a standard 2 cups of that would do me just fine, leaving you fourteen cups of mayonnaise to make sandwiches with, or whatever you do with it. Try some cole slaw, by the way. That gallon costs $12.95, so one seventh of that is a little less than 2 bucks. I’ll gladly give you 3 bucks, which is still a deal for me compared to the grocery store. I live just a few blocks from here. So, we all win, right?”

“You have those Glad containers to put it in? I don’t have anything.”

“I have containers.”

“I’m in kind of hurry. Technically, I am at work right now. I should probably be back in about 20 30 minutes. And, I was gonna try to grab some lunch first.”

“We can do it. Have you ever had the hot dogs up there in the café?” she asked him.

Ben smiled. He loved the Costco hot dogs. In his opinion, this was the reason the supreme being who ruled the universe put Costco on this modest little blue planet. They were large and juicy and meaty and packed with the best possible hot doggy flavor possible, all on a fresh roll (not just a bun, but a roll) that had just the right amount of softness and absorbency. Even better, you got the belly filling hot dog plus a good sized soda for just a buck fifty. A buck fifty! It was the best deal in town. He often came over here just for a hot dog and soda for lunch, without shopping for anything else.

“Have I had the hot dogs at Costco? I’m the king of Costco hot dogs! Did you know you could buy them in bulk back in the cooler section. I only wish they had the buns, too”

“Do you put mayonnaise on your hot dog?”

“Nah….deli mustard and relish.”

“You should try it. Mayo is good on a hot dog. Come on, Ben, I’ll buy you hot dog.” They moved their carts together to a bank of cash registers as wide as a football field. They pulled out their respective Costco cards and paid their tabs.

“Look, I owe you 3 bucks for mayonnaise, right? Why don’t you just get two hot dogs and we will call it even.”

They sat in the Costco café on hard plastic benches, her with one hot dog and a Diet Coke and him with two hot dogs and two tall paper cups of Coke. One of his hot dogs had deli mustard and relish, but the other one had mayonnaise on it, which he busted out from the gallon jug they just bought together. Libby watched him eat both hot dogs, one oversized bite at a time, but she only ate just over half of her own hot dog.

Libby motioned at the left corner of her mouth and said to Ben, “You got a little mayo right there.” But, before he could respond, she just reached over and wiped it from his face with the tip of her finger. She acted like she was going to lick it off her finger, but then she returned her finger to Ben’s face and rested it on his lower lip for him to enjoy.