The Laughably Awful Thread

Hoo boy, I've got a few of those. I think the worst was last night's description of the "black void" my main character, Eliseo, slipped into when his nightmare backfired.

*****
It felt like an eternity. There was no concept of time, but “eternity” seemed to sum up the endless drifting agony. Black, everywhere, and red in his eyes. He was too far gone to wonder why someone would weep blood for an eternity if they had no body. The roar had faded long ago, and replacing it was a silence more maddening than the loudest sound in existence.
The nothingness began to lighten, impossibly slowly, to reveal an endless black void. A colour, even the lack of a colour; that was something.
I’ll never call nothing ‘black’ again, he thought. He marveled at the fact that he seemed to have a soul again, and just perhaps he had a form.
Voices, at the edge of his understanding.
Everything exploded.

*****

I think the worst part is that at that point I decided that from now on, if he ever cries, he cries blood. Laaaame. At least he doesn't cry very much. (I mean, c'mon. He may be a 16-year old eunuch, but he's still a man. Then again, watch me forget this important point many times in the course of the novel. If I accidentally describe him with boobs, you are more than welcome to shoot me.)

Can I just post my whole novel so far? No? Fine.

"She reached out of the stall and felt around for the towel, sighing gratefully when her hand touched it. It was light and fluffy, not something she expected Junior Officer Friedrichs to own. Then again, he’d recently married a pretty young blonde from out of the city, so she may have been having an impact on him. Most folks would call it a positive impact, but Mackenzie made a mental note to mock the young man for turning soft. "

I wrote this last night, and I just read it now. Ugh.

"He gave a small grin. Things were still going to plan. With any luck, he would be able to find those British men that had been following him. He already had plans for them. His grin widened slightly as he went over his plans. Oh yes. His plans were good. "

Keep in mind this was meant entirely in earnest.

"Quinn’s eyes darted around as she danced through the snow like a deer on acid."

That is all.

Jesse hesitated, then stared at Winter, seeking for - something, then said: "Payment," roughly, reaching out with his gift.
Time stopped, but the gift didn't know that.
It lurched ahead again and Winter let out a surprised scream and stumbled backwards, clutching at his eyes. "You - you stupid --"
"I'm trying to help you! You were squinting, and obviously since you didn't react, and can see the future --"
He trailed off as Winter looked up at him, his expression murderous despite eyes squeezed shut and leaking tears. "What did you intend?" he asked slowly, his voice a white crushing.

... no, really, a voice can be a .... white crushing. Oy.

Charlie smiled. Here was a woman who appreciated the value of a sterile environment. “I couldn’t agree more,” he replied. “Believe me; I know the value of a sterile environment.”

And also... I'M DONE! I'M DONE! I'M DONE, DONE, DONE!

Phew. that was hard work. Now I have to go catch up in the rest of my life.

I love that! Please don't use the white voice on me. The blue voice, the green voice, but not the white voice. Anything but the white voice!