Title: A Forever Kind Of Thing
Length: 419 words
Draft: 2nd
Language: English
Brief Summary: This is the beginning. (I have no idea what's going to happen after this XD...but no, it will NOT be a romance.)
Known Issues: It just seems kind of awkward.
Critique Requested: Tone. What kind of feeling do you get from this? After that, anything else that's wrong with it.
Critique Tolerance: Whatever is true.
ONE
The bleak hospital ceiling stares down at them; yes, it is the ceiling that stares at them, not the other way around. The ceiling does not know why they lie there, ashen, breathing too hard, their transparent breath mingling in the air that they cannot see. Ah…so they are lovers, are they? Yes, there is no doubt! Look at how they stare into each other, how they reach out to brush each other’s hands, only begging a moment, a fleeting moment. See, even at the brink of death, even at the very edge of the cliff—they crave only each other’s presence.
The hospital ceiling does not know what to think of this. It does not know how to be young, like the lovers. Does not know warmth. Does not know passion. It is content to merely observe, listen, contemplate, as it does now. It listens intently to their ethereal words.
“You’re too pessimistic, Eliza.” The young man stops to catch breath. He tries to smile.
The other does not answer. The ceiling peers at her. She is weeping, or trying to weep; she hardly has energy to waste on tears.
“You know,” she manages, “when they said life was too short…or how the world would end…” she has to stop. She tries to catch air, poor girl. Air laughs. Air eludes her grasp. “Faust,” she manages at last. The word is like butterfly wings on her breath. “Faust.”
“Hush, it’s alright. Eliza…Eliza!” The youth—Faust—’s eyes widen. They might convey panic, if there were enough light in his dark eyes. The ceiling looks at Eliza and finds the reason for his shock. She is convulsing, eyes horribly open, now staring at the ceiling like so many humans do. They fancy they can see patterns, see things. They do not think that they are ogling. They do not for one second think that they are being extremely rude. The ceiling looks away from her desperate, blank, eyes, but is drawn back to the couple by a furious fit of coughing. It is Eliza, who now lies perfectly still.
“Faust.”
The youth can find no words. He looks at her.
Eliza’s arm drops out of her bed towards Faust in a strange, jolting fashion. The ceiling realizes that she is almost gone. Her breath whooshes out. The ceiling counts. How many until her breath dies?
But Faust—why hasn’t he taken his love’s hand? The ceiling switches its bland gaze onto the young man.
Ah.
His eyes have closed.
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"This is a mutiny, not a chat. We are forming treason, not spreading gossip. Do you understand?"
--Dipped In Violet, Chapter 7
54,692 / 50,000
Mar 15, 2008 - 09 14
I don't really get any kind of tone because I'm not connecting to the piece.
I don't really care what a ceiling thinks, so I can't really "feel" it. Maybe it's just not my cup of tea.
Consider cutting off everything before "You're too pessimistic, Eliza," because that is your lead. The exposition that comes before is better off on page two or three or ten (I'm not saying get rid of it, just that it's not good for drawing in the reader)
If you're going to use some absurd premise as your novel, like a ceiling's POV, don't bother explaining it to us ("yes, it is the ceiling that stares at them, not the other way around.") It makes a reader think "what the hell is this' instead of directly immersing them into the thoughts of the ceiling.
Try to put more activity from the part of the ceiling - instead of "does not know" try "wonders" or something else affirmative
----------@Ikasu: Come Join me at Twitter!
0 / 50,000
Mar 15, 2008 - 21 23
Ah....I see ^^ Thanks, Ikasu!! It really makes a difference.
I think maybe I'll have the ceiling witness a series of strange events. Maybe it'll be a mystery? Hmmm...
----------"This is a mutiny, not a chat. We are forming treason, not spreading gossip. Do you understand?"
--Dipped In Violet, Chapter 7
57,563 / 50,000
Mar 16, 2008 - 09 33
I think it would be interesting as a Horror, via Outer Limits or Twilight Zone. There was one about a House that was sentient and the wall moved. I think it was a Twilight Zone. Try that. Psychological horror is good stuff.
----------Telling someone you're a writer is like telling them you're an obsessive compulsive bipolar schizophrenic that goes to AA meetings once a week.
50,079 / 50,000
Mar 18, 2008 - 13 30
It does seem awkward for me to read. You say the ceiling a lot which makes it hard to get into the story. Your description is pretty vague in the beginning and confusing. I was under the impression that they are old and dying together but young and dying together? It seems kinda odd. Also you say:
Look at how they stare into each other, how they reach out to brush each other’s hands, only begging a moment, a fleeting moment.
Only begging a moment of what? It should be 'their flesh begging to touch one another if only for a moment, a fleeting moment."
It also seems a bit choppy when I read it. I think if you add some more detail and either make 'the ceiling' from first or third person (you switch inbetween the two) it would be alot better. It is a good idea though and I think it has alot of potential.
----------"Inspiration doesn't care whether or not it's convenient for the artist."
"There are times when hope itself is an act of heroism. So here's to hope, and everyday heroes. "
-Jacqueline Carey
Visit www.mrsrigginspresents.blogspot.com for novel excerpts
0 / 50,000
Mar 18, 2008 - 20 20
I like it. It actually kept me interested and reading, which is something that doesn't happen often for me. I think the fact that it's from the ceiling's point of view interested me right off the bat. So many stories open the same, and don't strike me as special. Well anyway, personally, I feel distant from the world and I don't know what's going on a lot, so maybe I can relate to the ceiling more than some other people (who can read tons of books that don't interest me).
I think this is going to be hard to write about. Maybe you could describe just HOW a ceiling can think or see, because that confused me a bit. Maybe you could make it so he can see out all the little holes they have in some ceilings. Like a million eyes. I don't think you should have him look around though, because then that makes me feel like he has eyes that can move around, and I doubt a ceiling does.
Personally, I think you should make it in past tense. Most books are and I find it distracting if it's written in present tense.
0 / 50,000
Mar 18, 2008 - 20 29
I have to disagree with Ikasu in her statement about starting with the dialog. Every book does that. What will make this one stand out? It's from a ceiling's point of view. I say, make that abundantly clear right away. Personally, I really really liked the sentence about the ceiling looking down on them instead of the other way around. I thought it was clever.
I also agree with one of the other posters that it will become awkward to keep saying "the ceiling" over and over again. I think it might be weird to name a ceiling (unless it was something like O' Rusty, the ceiling that stood with the hospital for over 400 years, but I'm kidding). I think that it should be first person. That way you can say "I" but MAKE SURE to make it clear that it is a ceiling with your looking down at the people bit.
:) YAY for your story being different!!! Good luck with it!!!
0 / 50,000
Mar 18, 2008 - 21 31
TO EVERYONE!!
Thanks! I know what to take away and what to keep; I loved all your comments, thanks!!
Just to let you know I'm rather attached to the ceiling so I'm definitely keeping its POV. I know it'll take a lot of thinking out, but somehow I'll pull it off.
----------"This is a mutiny, not a chat. We are forming treason, not spreading gossip. Do you understand?"
--Dipped In Violet, Chapter 7
0 / 50,000
Abr 11, 2008 - 00 26
I don't really care what a ceiling thinks, so I can't really "feel" it. Maybe it's just not my cup of tea.
Consider cutting off everything before "You're too pessimistic, Eliza," because that is your lead. The exposition that comes before is better off on page two or three or ten (I'm not saying get rid of it, just that it's not good for drawing in the reader)
If you're going to use some absurd premise as your novel, like a ceiling's POV, don't bother explaining it to us ("yes, it is the ceiling that stares at them, not the other way around.") It makes a reader think "what the hell is this' instead of directly immersing them into the thoughts of the ceiling.
Try to put more activity from the part of the ceiling - instead of "does not know" try "wonders" or something else affirmative
I agree with this critique... I think you have something interesting here, but I need more of the setting and more character connection. I also agree about the strange point of view... it is unique, but don't try to explain it, or it forces the reader to ask why you did it that way... I am having the same issue with my novel about russia. the more i explain russia and feelings and places that are distinctly russian, the more the reader is questioned why is it in russia?
this is one case where it is good to be a tyrant. tell us that something is a certain way, but do not tell us why.
0 / 50,000
Abr 11, 2008 - 00 28
also i think this concept of an inanimate point of view would make a great vignette sort of story. one setting, and an array of different characters would be something interesting... it would sort of embody that walls have ears idea... not necessarily saying you should do it that way, but i thought about how cool that would be just now...
0 / 50,000
Abr 20, 2008 - 11 42
I loved this idea. The unusual POV kept me interested and made me want to know more. It needs tidying up a little but there is a lot of potential here. You said you might have the ceiling witnessing a series of strange events, I think this would be the most effective way of using this idea.
Good luck, I want to read it when you've finished!