Evaluate the above poster's excerpt.

@ Bug: I really, really like the premise!

However, I do have one nitpick (aside from a few style issues that you can totally fix when your main goal is something other than wordcount, lol): I think you could do a more convincing job writing from a four-year-old's POV. You've done pretty well already, I just think it could be better. Unless your Max is a very advanced four-year-old (and maybe he is because of his power?), he probably wouldn't go through the whole thought process of "Maybe I could go out the window;" he probably wouldn't even be able to articulate his thoughts in words. The more probable thing for him to do, IMHO, would be to cry hysterically and hide under his bed/covers. At least that's what my four-year-old nephew would do, and he's a pretty smart kid anyway.

That said, I'm extremely reluctant to post mine, because I only HAVE a few paragraphs and they ALL SUCK. Which btw I'm totes okay with, so long as I can hold onto the thought that nobody is ever going to read the unrevised version.

Coffee-related drinks consumed:5
All-nighters pulled:1
Wordcount:3504

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@ Bugs

I like it. I can see the scene you're setting up, and I can hear/see the action unfurl from one thing into the next. Your writing style flows in a way where it's easy for me to follow. Even though Max doesn't act like a normal 4-year old, I don't mind, because the story has already captured me. And what is fantasy but a departure from the normal, eh?

Aynie, what I found really remarkable about your excerpt was how much information you worked in, and how smoothly. At times it got just a little too packed, but mostly it enlightened without overwhelming and it didn't feel awkwardly inserted at all. I also like your narrator: I even like that she doesn't come across as strongly as she could. The restraint is as welcome as everything else.

She Who Is Elsewhere,

That first paragraph is one sentence. When I was in English class in college a few years ago, my professor said that the dividing line between what is and what is not a run-on sentence is a bit hazy. I think even she, however, would label this as so.

Normally I wouldn't mention this for an excerpt, especially only in day 2 of NaNo. However a short bit down in your excerpt there is another paragraph-length sentence. I would suggest trimming those down.

Other than that, your excerpt seems interesting, and you have done a good job with descriptions.

Good luck.

Tormsskull,

Your exerpt is lovely and very well written. However, you seem to be a close friend of the "comma." I have a friend who writes like that -- the excessive commas, I mean!

Commas can be great, in moderation. I had a Grecian Mythology/Literature teacher who explained it this way. "Commas are your pepper. Not enough, and the food is blah. Too much, and it is barely tolerable." Perhaps you could try to bring some semi-colons or the occasional dash to the party.

Other than that, you are doing a fabulous job! I would love to read the final product; you have piqued my interest!

~Rae

A word is a bud attempting to become a twig. How can one not dream while writing? ~~ Gaston Bachelard

@jonsbride1009

I like this, it sounds interesting - and I'd like to see how you added more 'realism' to the usual fairy-tale. Your narrator sounds interesting and likable - with a hint of cynicism. I'd like to know what, if anything put that there.

Definitley would be interested in reading more of this.

2004 - A New Light (21,000)
2005 - Fallen Princes (50,086)
2006 - The Tribes (64,978)
2008 - The Blood Moon (50,603)

@sara Fletcher

Okay, I actually really liked that. At first, I'll admit, I kinda found myself disliking it -can't pinpoint the exact reason, but yeah. Anyhow, as the excerpt progressed, I actually really begun to enjoy it. I loved the reactions of the character -CANNOT write the name for my life's sake!- at the end, felt they were VERY well written. So yeah, I'd definitley love to continue reading this.

jonsbride1009 (EDIT: Sorry, Sara and Enyu_sv! Posting party)

Playing genre-savvy with classic fairy tales? Maybe it's just me, but your synopsis appears to be a restating of your excerpt or vice versa. I had difficulty telling whether the first-person references were about the narrator (you) or the character herself. The only identification I spotted about your character was that she has a sister, anything else would be conjecture at this point.

All I get is a "the story behind the fairy tale" vibe; with no hints as to the character or her story's initial folds to be undone later, I'm not finding the 'hook' in all this bait to snag my interest on. But I can't hold that against the story as a whole, this is obviously prologue material and prologues don't always (or even need to) hint at the more exciting stuff to come next.

It's not quite a bait-and-switch-prologue, but it definitely strikes me as something that Will Get Better as the writing unfolds.

Hard sci-fi? Soft? Should be more like peanut butter -- neither hard, nor soft, and either way you have it a bit nutty.

Stratadrake:

You definitely got me with the ending. I didn't see where it was going at first, and was a bit confused about why an emperor would care about a young lady (is the daughter of someone important?) but it kept my interest until the end and then the closing line nabbed me.

Havark:

Okay, so, that honestly wasn't the best excerpt I've seen. I felt like it was a tad dull, and it honestly didn't catch my attention until the last two paragraphs. However, at the same time, those last two paragraphs made up for it all: I'm very much intrigued by it, and they just honestly cought me in a web which makes me want to know which happens next. So, I guess, I'd maybe just work a bit more on the first few paragraphs? I don't know.

I loved your excerpt. The imagery was so fascinating and it succeeded in transporting me to your world. I did feel slightly disturbed, so I hope that's the feeling you're going for. I'm really intrigued about what's going to happen next and I already feel attached to your characters. Great job and good luck this month!

Greek1

Wow. It starts off calmly enough, with a girl who can't sleep. But how many girls who can't sleep turn into cats and save wayward knights from thieves? The excerpt was gripping and entertaining, and my only regret is that it ended. Keep up the good work and good luck with NaNoWriMo!

@Xav

Great excerpt! More than that, however, great characters and characterizations! I loved Jera. Her apprehension was palpable and, it seems, warranted. Great job!

@Koinaka:
Very tantalizing. I can't wait to read a longer excerpt when you have it, but I already like your sparse style.

@bluelight:
Very nice, the fighting is described really well. I like the hints at his past. Very promising.

@ScreamsOnScreen: Interesting. I like the idea of the fantasy type names with cars, but I'm not sure quite whether we're in a new world or just in ours and your character is new or something. I think its a good start and I would like more -- mostly because right now I have no idea what's going on -- clearly. One concern would be the speed thing about how Arleth can be faster then a car, sounds a little sueish, and seeing that within the first few pages always worries me and makes me want to put the book down -- but I think again its about length. So, can't wait for more. ^^

@ScreamsOnScreen

I'm assuming that Arleth somehow knew when the boy was about to get hit by the car, judging from the synopsis. And I wonder if it was really adrenaline that made time slow.

I wonder who those two figures are and what they meant.

Good luck and have fun writing.

"What you create doesn’t have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don’t let fear of failure discourage you." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

@larelmian

I really enjoyed this. Your synopsis sounds interesting and I like Ilona so far - she seems an intrieging character. I'd like to see her reaction to this situation and - how, or not - she escapes it.

Plus, I really like pirates. :)

2004 - A New Light (21,000)
2005 - Fallen Princes (50,086)
2006 - The Tribes (64,978)
2008 - The Blood Moon (50,603)

@Sara Fletcher --

First of all, a wordcount like that deserves congratulations. Secondly, nice excerpt! Obviously I wish I knew more about the situation, like what Garreth's doing with all those dudes, and why "mage" seems to be so shocking... but I'm supposed to want more, right? Good job. Only thing I'd suggest is a little more detail -- the pace is really fast right now, which is great, but I'm losing a little bit along the way as a result. Anywho keep up that pace, you're totally embarrassing me!

"This is going to be the worst day of your life. I'm bringing nunchuks." H. Freeman

@frenchrabbi
I like it. It's very gritty. At first I had a little trouble getting into it because the characters seems to act less mature than I thought they were supposed to be, but by the time they got to the garage, I was hooked. I especially like the description of the wolf smelling the silver.

@MurderDeathKill
Nice dialect. The descriptions of the reactions between granny and the captain are good, and I like the way you distance them from each other with her rough dialect and his careful speech.

@BlueLight: I like it. It's a much better fight scene than I can write. I like how you've incorporated the history into the narrative, but be careful of infodumping.

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@ I am Tasha

I was really excited that I got to evaluate yours as I was looking forward to reading it from your synopsis. I must say, it does not disappoint. I'm not one to write action sequences, so I will have to defer to you on that. It seemed to work fine for me as I was able to follow it despite my ignorance easy enough. I was a bit confused towards the end. Am I to assume that the sequence didn't actually happen as he was practicing? I am very interested in your world now. :D Great job.

It is indeed a practice scene, and the full text will be up when I finish it. I'm just not there yet. Also, that is bad writing as compared to normal. 1AM last night FTW. :P

As for your excerpt, that is short and shiny! Just like your synopsis. I am really excited for your story now. I've been wanting to read it for a while. I will totally buy it when it gets published. Let me know, aright?

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@ I am Tasha:

To be totally honest, being dropped so suddenly into a fight scene bewildered me completely. Maybe it's more of a personal taste, but it scared the bejesus outta me. Mostly because I had no background, no point of reference. I had to like Dmitri fast, and care for his struggles and well-being fast. I am not sure I managed. I was just confused some of the time. HOWEVER, if this is NOT your opening scene, then I suppose it's rather awesome. The dynamics of the fight scene itself were very cleanly visualized and orchestrated on type. The ending (before the last paragraph) was amazing.

I'd be interested in reading the full work, once finished. Even buying it at a store if it gets published. Good stuff!

@I am Tasha: Oh...oh wow. Your excerpt makes me want to read more! And don't worry about your fight scene! It's so much better than what I can write :D Keep going!

http://cupcake_writer.livejournal.com

2009: Welcome to Hell. A novel about Gods in high school.
2010: Thermals (tentaitive title). Steampunk. High adventure/fantasy of an all-female crew of airship pirates.

I'm going to do two because I noticed Atropsian got skipped.

@ Atropsian

Lovedlovedlovedloved it! The descriptions were wonderfully done. I felt, nearly from the beginning, completely immersed and involved with your character. I cannot wait to read more! Great job!

@Takato

I've been waiting to read this one as well. It was great. I love Loki even more than I thought I would. And poor Hades... Great dialogue, too. Another one I can't wait to read more of. Great job!

@Takato Metallium

Hmmm...I love the concept for one. :) You've taken liberties with who's graduated and who's not but after I realized that I think I got into the fact that Hades and Loki seem like they'll be an interesting pair together. I would've liked to seen Bastet too, but I'm sure you'll include her later. This is very much something I'd pick up (I have a thing for stories of Gods...xD) and I liked the delicate cough at the end. Wonder what posideon said.

Does Zeus figure into this story?

Snakes are an interesting entrance too...heh.

Whoops don't want to skip Koinaka:

Your excerpt is very very short. It's quite well written, but it's more of a teaser than anything else. That said, I liked the little bit that was there.

@ Turdleyurtle:

To be honest, I was not sucked into your excerpt. I think you tell the reader too much information in one scene, and you're not leaving enough mystery to fill out later scenes. You seem to overuse parentheses as well; if information has to be contained in parenthesis, you probably don't need to include it in your narrative; if it's that important that the reader know, for instance, that many mages have clear eyes, perhaps you should introduce several different mages throughout your story with clear eyes, and let the readers draw the inference for themselves. Also, try and remember that speech from different characters should begin a new paragraph.

Now that I've criticized... I really like your word choices, although you could be more concise in places, and I really want to know more about the girl-catcher Shaozi. =D

@Fenroyal

Very poetic and really captures the feeling of environmental nostalgia (for me at least). I can truly get a feel for this character even though I know absolutely nothing about him/her. Because even though I do not have a name or gender to go on I have their emotions for place which is quite powerful.
Given that your only 322 words in I cannot really judge much in the way of a story but you certainly have me interested in reading more which is as much as anyone can truly hope for.

So write some more dammit.

My excerpt is quite long (and stupid) so do not feel compelled to read all of it.

Nano 06: Who Wants to be a Camel.
Script Frenzy: The Minions.
Nano 07: White Star Supernova.
Nano 08: The Baron

Nano 09: Hugs