A thread for when we're not entirely sure if a piece sounds the way we want it to and figure a second opinion might be helpful. I recognise that not everybody works this way, but I know I do.
My request:
I need to know how the conversation sounds to everyone, please. Does it sound natural, and how does each party come off?
(Earlier in the story, Rain asked Mina if he could buy her a drink sometime. She said "no". Now:)
__________
A companionable silence for a few moments, the corridor lighting throwing shadows across Mina’s face as he watched her put work aside and pick up something else instead, the microexpression of amusement flickering across her countenance.
“I’ve been reconsidering our conversation.”
“Do tell.”
“I think that yes, I will let you buy me a drink.”
‘Time and place.”
“At a classy dinner tonight. You will pay, of course.”
“Naturally.”
“And there will be no expectations upon me except perhaps a promise of another dinner.”
“No coffee at your place, then?”
“No, but there may be a goodnight kiss.” She smiled, a viciously feline expression. “If you play your cards right.”
----------
28,005 / 50,000
Nov 3, 2009 - 08 50
it sounds fine; it actually sounds similar to some conversations i have had myself before. i tended to be the more... monosyllabic party in those cases, though. as for characterization, it can work several ways depending on the context. a sort of businesslike flirting from the girl and a cool detachment from the guy? but that's rather obvious.
anyway, yeah. the conversation is fine. no worries. =)
----------"I had an idea for some time back that I should like to do an article on The Moral Status of the Writer, or more frivolously, The Hell With Posterity I Want Mine Now. Not a frivolous article really." - Raymond Chandler.
52,000 / 50,000
Nov 3, 2009 - 15 59
Thanks.
I was concerned that the woman (Mina) was coming off badly.
----------40,145 / 50,000
Nov 3, 2009 - 20 09
This is suspiciously like editing.
Halfcrazed! Hello! You're back! Have you finished NS?
----------Former ML for Singapore 2005-2008
Possibly my last NaNoWriMo.
28,005 / 50,000
Nov 5, 2009 - 07 45
not yet, much to my own impatience and chagrin. but it shall come soon, for i have just two and a half months left =) it does mean that i only have 15 days in effect to write 50k words, though. here's hoping...
it's also great to hear from you again. =) i wasn't able to come to the kickoff party because of camp, but i'll try and make it to the write-ins! =)
----------"I had an idea for some time back that I should like to do an article on The Moral Status of the Writer, or more frivolously, The Hell With Posterity I Want Mine Now. Not a frivolous article really." - Raymond Chandler.
44,020 / 50,000
Nov 14, 2009 - 18 37
Do people take their cat's out for a walk? Also, do pet cafes only allow dogs or can you take your cats there too.
----------Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. ~ E.L. Doctorow
52,000 / 50,000
Nov 14, 2009 - 20 02
Some people do, and only some cats are amenable to harness-type walks. Otherwise they normally take themselves. Of course, some people might take their very posh cats out in carry baskets. Fluffy white cats stroked by evil supergeniuses are, of course, carried by minions.
I have no idea about pet cafes.
There are pet cafes?
----------11,227 / 50,000
Nov 14, 2009 - 22 17
Yeah there are, there's just one around the corner of the road where I am.
I need an outsider's opinion about this:
My MCs personality is one which thinks a lot. I'm writing from her point of view, and she's a teenager. There are all sorts of thoughts going on in her head, and some that just diverts from the main point, like how we all think sometimes.
Do you think this kind of writing style would be good?
If still unsure of what I'm talking about, you can go to my NOVEL INFO to read my excerpt.
----------I'm having very low confidence because of my writing style, and I need some insight on it.
Go write your NaNo and stop procrastinating like me.
52,808 / 50,000
Nov 14, 2009 - 22 56
Diverting from the main point is normal and has some good uses, especially if it introduces backstory, side details that give more insights into various characters or situations. Your excerpt's fine. Really. =)
Just need to make sure the diversion doesn't go on for too long (like running into a whole lot of pages), as that can seriously distract from the progression of events. Not that you seem to have that problem but it can crop up sometimes, I do it too.
----------“You’re the ‘god’ here. Why are you worrying about questions?”
http://evilnovel.wordpress.com
http://worldsofmint.wordpress.com
52,000 / 50,000
Nov 14, 2009 - 23 12
>My MCs personality is one which thinks a lot. I'm writing from her point of view, and she's a teenager. There are all sorts of thoughts going on in her head, and some that just diverts from the main point, like how we all think sometimes.
What I tend to do is to have my narrator's character reflect, specifically, on what's been happening. I find that the specific choices of vocabulary and metaphor that the character uses is a sufficient indicator to his character.
Off-topic depends on how far off-topic it goes, and in what direction.
Example:
Narrator sees two-car collision.
Good internal monologue: Damn, another one? The corner's dangerous. (indicates a reflection on the situation, plus a throwaway line of what the world is like, specifically the corner.
Not as good: I wonder if anyone got hurt? (Reflection on event reflection character, but does not serve the double purpose of also revealing the world.)
Bad: Oh, there's blood everywhere. I wonder if the store opposite still sells strawberry jam. Mmmm, I'm hungry now. Maybe I should get peanut butter as well. (there would be some commentary in this bracket but this monologue has actually gone beyond "bad" and into some realm of postmodern psychotic weirdness.)
----------11,227 / 50,000
Nov 14, 2009 - 23 22
Thank you so much, DM and Not.
I was worried sick about it.
I'll keep the 'running into pages' point in mind.
Now I can write in peace <3
@ Not: that 'bad' example made me laugh out loud. Just what I needed to clear my mind, many thanks! And for the examples too, because they are going to help me. <3
----------Go write your NaNo and stop procrastinating like me.
52,000 / 50,000
Nov 18, 2009 - 03 34
I need some kind of conversational clue that would indicate that someone who is the head of one techno-worship organisation was originally from another, more fundamentalist one-- the kind of thing that slips out and people automatically attach to their end of their sentences, like the stereotypical Canadian "eh" or the Singapore "lah". Something you say without ever realising that you said.
What I need is something of a techno-religious nature, normally appended onto the end of a sentence.
Any suggestions would be most welcome (eh).
----------40,253 / 50,000
Nov 18, 2009 - 04 33
Techno-religious? How about techno-ideological: -nik. Like Sputnik, beatnik, and such. Not necessarily accurate, just how I thought of it, being born a bit late for that origin. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/-nik suggests it's just coincidence that makes it seem tech and theological to me.
For a more current reference, I can't think of anything. Perhaps an exclamation, like: 'Teh God'...
52,000 / 50,000
Nov 18, 2009 - 08 56
"Teh God, he say you no can has salvation."
What I actually did was extend what Frank Tipler said about Teilhard de Chardin's Noogenesis to the extent: de Chardin believed that all humanity would eventually reach a point where a new intelligence would be created, and that new intelligence would be God.
Tipler argues that if the universe is "closed" in a topological sense, then all information that has ever occurred will eventually converge upon a single point, and if humanity has built the ultimate computer he calls Omega Point at that time, we can be reborn as ghosts in that machine. Since that machine will have a runtime powered by the convergence of energy, we could be subjectively immortal in such a machine. Hence, he argues, it is the duty of humanity to build such a machine.
He wrote a book. There are people who take him seriously.
I'm not one of them. I postulate that any such movement will ultimately degenerate into a religion worshipping this machine, with all the associated interesting side-effects.
_________
Back to my problem: my issue is that I want something that doesn't sound contrived or clearly derived from any individual real-world religion, but still recognisably religious-- or, perhaps, as you suggest, idealogical. Something as punchy as Battletech's "The Peace of Blake be upon you".
Either I'll think of something or I'll just put a placeholder when I reach it.
_______
Edited to say thank you because I forgot to say thank you.
----------40,253 / 50,000
Nov 18, 2009 - 22 44
You're welcome. It was a good question worthy of a two-minute answer. But now you've got me thinking too much.
I think you have an interesting concept. I think you could found a religion on just about any book. Just pick a book that weird people read. Like, say, science fiction. Then you call it something that makes those weird people feel better about themselves. Like... um... sciencometry, or something. Make it too weird, you'll limit your audience, but you could still maximise your returns by seeking out a demographic that wears its emotions on its sleeve, and has a lot of money. Like, say... theatre actors! No, wait, no money in that. People who wear suits! No, not specific enough to get that all important "us vs them" feeling. Gee, maybe there's some kinda intersect between actors and suits...
Anyway. So you have a Techno-utopia. Specifically, a Technological singularity that is fueled by human consciousness, and not machine sentience. That's an interesting premise - usually, it's assumed machines get smarter than us. Are you cybernetizing people? Is it just making it very grey between humans and machines, such that distinctions become irrelevant, and if humans get 'smarter' then that was presumed to be a historical trend anyway?
In terms of your religion's culture, I think cybernetics, rather than supercomputers, would be the focus. If the group lacks the means (stuck in today's technology, for instance) then they might wear steampunk style costume jewelery, mimicking their future state. They might refer to axioms like "Moore's Eventuality" (instead of 'Law'). Depending on when the religion was created, there would be a whole bunch of book bound baggage. If it was medieval, then the lexicon might be littered with mechanical euphemisms, rather than electric, electronic, or steam.
I ramble because my novel is hiding in my head.
____________
Edit: This sounds creepily like the kind of people you're referring to. Mumbojumboology.
52,000 / 50,000
Nov 19, 2009 - 06 06
In this world, people are cybernetic in the sense that they have nanomachines in their bodies, controlled by a central datalink interface in their skulls. Hence the reason they believe the Singularity must be coming, and they're going to be a part of it.
Well, except for those people who have no implants and are thus delaying the inevitable day.
I'm now looking at a sign/ countersign of "Onward to Omega" and.... something.
----------