Hi everyone,
Hope your novelling pursuits are all going well...I seem to have stalled massively on mine, largely due to the fact that I seem to have lost the ability to prioritise 'show' over 'tell'. I've posted an extract below, for you to see what I mean, and any feedback that anyone's willing to take the time to give about how it could be improved would be most appreciated.
Thanks,
countrymouse
‘Honestly honey, it’s nothing to do with you,’ he says weakly, ‘I probably just had a bit too much to drink, that’s all’. He leans over to kiss her, but she turns her face away, and he finds himself thinking ‘Isn’t this the bit where she’s supposed to reassure me, tell me it happens all the time, that it’s no big deal?’
Not that it would make any difference if she were to say that. For him this is a big deal, a big big deal, since he suspects this might just be the first occurrence of something that will go on to recur time and time again. He has no idea what to do, and the only thing he can think of is to distract Hope, to buy himself some time. He pulls back the duvet, deciding that right now words are not the best way for his mouth to do the talking. Hope though, is being difficult now and covers herself with her hand, unwilling to let him bring her off. He looks up at her, pleading. ‘Come on, sweetheart, please, I’ll make it good for you, I promise.’
Reluctantly, her hand drops to her side, but she continues to lie stony cold and motionless as he uses his tongue and his fingers to stimulate her. He feels her muscles clench around his fingers, so he knows she’s close to the point of no return, but when he glances up at her face, he can see she’s fighting him, her eyes visibly screwed shut, and her teeth clenched. Eventually, her muscles go into spasm, but that aside, there’s no sign that her orgasm has given her any pleasure at all, and he inwardly curses her ability to shut down emotionally.'
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50,049 / 50,000
Nov 8, 2009 - 17 01
The present tense verbs are the only thing I think you need to change at this point. I like your mixture of show-with-tell. Your goal is to get something down by the deadline, and if you let your editor tell you that you aren't showing enough, you will never get past 5K. Keep on going. I could see her clenched teeth just fine! Keep going. If you want to fix it later, you will. Keep on writing, and stop worrying. Your inner editor is messing with you. Keep writing!
44,000 / 50,000
Nov 8, 2009 - 21 49
i agree! tell that inner editor to stfu and keep writing. i like the voice combo of action, dialogue, and 3rd person omniscient.
31,949 / 50,000
Nov 10, 2009 - 10 16
I agree--I think the scene had a nice balance of show/tell. And honestly, that rule is sometimes a bunch of bunk anyway. So, onward!
27,529 / 50,000
Nov 10, 2009 - 11 31
I think the 'show don't tell' phenomenon is codswallop, since it's designed for accessible mainstream writing, and I don't think us LitFics have much to do with that... I would go as far as to say my novel is actually tell don't show.
I think your excerpt is excellent and the ratio of dialogue versus descriptive passages is great. Seriously. Keep writing! (And please make the completed work available online as soon as you're finished!)
----------I also ramble on Twitter (though sometimes in Dutch).
2008: Junior Boys (won)
2009: Guilt (...?)
46,331 / 50,000
Nov 11, 2009 - 13 10
Japieee is write (and right).
Why do you think Literary writing has so many pages long paragraphs? The are telling us. Get to the limit. I mean I have a 1300 word exploration of a guy staring at his fuzzy reflection in the glass of a photograph of people he doesn't even know. That is why we are LitFic. Dive deep, don't worry about those shallow waters, nor the rules that reside over the people that populate them.
Good Luck!