Excerpt: Untitled Nano 2008

And another date I had gone on, yet again another one of Daryn’s girls, had me at the worst. This girl’s name was Shelly and she was as fat as a river bison. She wore thong underwear that always hung out over her pants or shorts. She had this muffin top thing going on and I always had to insist on her holding my arm, not out of chivalry, but because I was afraid she would stampede toward every bakery store we come across (she did twice and almost attacked a woman walking her dog too). We ended up just watching a movie at her house, I figured if it was at her house and I felt it got too weird, I’d be able to leave at my own discretion provided I had a good excuse. But I underestimated how large this excuse had to be. Pretty soon after starting the movie, she was practicing multitasking with eating and trying to seduce me with air kisses as she wiggled herself into the couch trying to mark her ass-print into it for a more comfortable sit. I was absolutely disgusted and could not just watch the movie as she would always try to rub her toes on my legs and try to push her breasts into my face as if it were on accident, which only crumbs and drool would fall on my lap followed with a, “I’ll get those for you.” I cringed in fear and only wanted to leave, but she only tried harder and threatened me every time I tried to say something about even just hinting to leave. I showed up to school the following Monday and Daryn had the biggest smile on his face. I told him how I just wanted to forget every second that happened after the moment the “crumb” incident started. Daryn broke out into a pit of laughter and said, “was it really that bad? I said she would put out didn’t I?” I had to explain that I was surprised I wasn’t eaten alive with all the crumbs I was covered in and I didn’t even begin to speak of the attempted lap dance before she passed out on to the floor in a pool of her own drool and only to wake again when I opened her door to leave so she could continue where she left off. I wanted to remove my eyes and probe my brain’s now contaminated and disturbed areas with a hot iron rod. Daryn still insisted it was him just trying to help out and didn’t know I’d refuse something so easy and desperate.