Excerpt: Knifeclaw Company II: Liberty

What is wrong with me? I should be proud.

I'm a lieutenant now. LT Nulu Tchaoshou gü Hraith. Captain Hraith honored me with his name for exceptional valor.

Yes, valor. I've served valiantly and exceptionally, although I'm a Dshag. A Dshag with a Secularist's name. The Secularists are furious at this, making speeches and stirring up more hate for my people. They think we'll rise up and conquer them.

I'm safe in my brother's house, waiting and drinking away the hours, staying away from the trouble. Chasing the thoughts from my head. Growing fatter and out of shape. My brother wants me to quit the military; at this rate I may not need to. By the time I'm deployed, I'll be rejected as unfit for space travel.

What do I fear? A great deal, truthfully. I fear that I have endangered my family by selfishly seeking honor and glory. I fear that I will be stoned on the street and my brother's shop will be vandalized. Neither has happened... yet... but I fear it might. I fear the wrath of the government, that it might oppress my people further in reaction. I fear the disapproval of my own community, that they believe I've betrayed the Dshagu heritage. I fear that I shall drink and hate myself to death.

I fear how appealing that prospect seems.

There must be a way to jolt myself out of this self-destructive cycle. It is Raohaa's fault. My brother treats me like an alien in his home. As if my very scent offended him. It probably does; the clamminess of space has been replaced by the reek of hard liquor and pepper-wine. I even disgust myself.

This life is all I know; this and space travel. I shall miss them terribly – Raohaa, my parents, my three nieces and their mates, my numerous great-nieces and great-nephews. I won't be present for my father's impending death. I'll miss the structure and formality of our rituals, the incessant noise, and the smell of wood varnish from the shop.

But I'm going to make all those sacrifices. I must. I've been branded both a threat and a traitor, and it's killing me. I must reclaim myself.

I'm going to leave.