The Groomsmen
an excerpt

We had no idea what was on the other end of that door, but it was cold and wet and we were being chased by aliens from another planet, so odds were good that whatever was inside was going to be better than what was outside. As soon as we went through the door, however, it slammed shut behind us. There were no other ways out and no one else in the room. Then a light shone from a large monitor high on the opposite wall. There were symbols on it that looked like chicken scratching.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean” asked Jason.
“Have I mentioned yet how much I don’t like this?” said Travis. “I mean at least when I jumped out of the friggin plane this morning I knew where I was going, but now we are stuck on some alien planet and they’re probably getting ready to eat our brains or something and unless anyone hasn’t noticed, we have no idea where we’re our next cup of coffee is coming from.”
I didn’t know Travis as well as the others, so I felt it was time to clear something up. “Is he always this bitchy or is it just his time of the month?”
“Now, now…” said Lore
The chicken scratching was replaced by Latin letters. They were even writing in English. It merely read “Choose”
“Choose? Ok, I choose the delicious, refreshing taste of pepsi,” said Brandon, “Can we go now?”
The message came again: “Choose”
“What are we supposed to choose?” asked Jason.
“Choose the form of Gozer the destructor of course, don’t you remember during the reconciliation of the mccetrick supplicants he was in the shape of a giant slor?”
“Oh yeah, many slubs and zuhls were roasted in the belly of the slor that day I can tell you” said Noah.
“Ok” said Jason “We choose the stay-puff marshmallow man only, and this is important, we want him the actual size as he appears on the bag”
The words were replaced: “Choose which among you is the biggest and the strongest. Choose your champion”
“Are they insane?” asked Lore.
“Well, Paul are you up for it?” I asked.
“Me?” he asked incredulously
“Well you’re the tallest and probably the strongest and you were a bouncer at Coyote Ugly, if there’s anyone here that’s going to be doing the champion thing it’s you” I explained.
“Thanks” he said “You really mean that?”
“Well yeah, but the compliment is somewhat mitigated by the fact that in two minutes you’re probably going to be entering the Thunderdome without a weapon or a Tina Turner soundtrack and our lives depend on you not getting turned into bantha fodder”
“But no pressure” said Noah.
“You up for this chief? Seriously?” I asked.
“Yeah I guess so.” Said Paul
“We choose Paul Williamson Howell the fourth as our champion” I said somewhat overdramatically to the tv screen.
The letters changed once again: “Enter. Alone”
The door in front of us opened and Paul stepped through. When he was on the other side of the doorway, it closed again and he was separated from the group. The screen then changed to show a ring complete with sand on the floor and two doorways in. Paul stood there trying to psyche himself up for a battle with the rancor or whatever the hell else it was he was going to fight.
“This should be funny” said Lore
“Sweetie, my best man is about to get chewed into little pieces by aliens from another planet. I’m not sure that counts as funny.” Said Brandon.
“Actually technically we are the aliens from another planet in this particular case” Lore pointed out
“Huh, she’s right” said Noah.
“Fine, but Paul’s still gotta face the…whatever it is and I’m not sure I can watch this.” Said Brandon.
“Trust me hon, it will be funny, just watch.”
The door on the far side of the ring opened. In the gloom of the interior it was hard to tell what it was that was coming through, the light was so blinding. When it cleared and their eyes readjusted, they saw the champion that Paul would be facing.
It looked like a cross between a penguin and Toucan Sam. There were scars on his beak and eyes from a lifetime as a warrior in the arena. The thing was huge. It very nearly came up to Paul’s kneecap.

Awrr-raawk stepped into the ring to fight for the honor of the flock. His clan was not like the ones on the other side of the cliffs. They would not deal with strange foreigners until they had tested their mettle in combat. He was their greatest warrior and no other puffin had yet bested him in the ring. He would teach this barbarian who he was dealing …. Great Nifup’s eggshell, what was that thing?
The barbarian was enormous. If his entire brood had stood on each other’s shoulders, it would not match the height of this giant. Instead of wings it had two long tentacles that ended in a five taloned claw. His Legs took up half his body and its trunk was as wide as three nests laid end to end. Its head was covered in…Nifin’s molted feathers he had no idea what his head was covered in. It looked like stringy black seaweed. He had no beak. How could that thing get enough to eat without a beak? How did it fight? With those talons no doubt.
Awrr-raak heard the beast yell its war cry and it came running right for him.
“HE’S SOOOOOOOOOO CUTE!” roared the beast. Awrr-raak wondered what that meant, but it would have to wait for later. For now, the flock was all that mattered. He tried to pierce the legs that were holding the beast up. There were only two of them, so if one went down, they both did. Try as he might, however, he could not pierce its hide. It seemed that there was a tough, loose outer skin that protected this vulnerable spot on the monster.
The talons grasped either side of his body and he was in the air without using his wings. The monster attempted to squeeze him to death by holding him to its trunk and tightening the tentacles around him until he could no longer breathe. He tried to stab it in the head with his beak, but the beast was clever, in placing the warrior with his beak over its shoulder, its head was too close to strike a blow with his beak.
Awrr-raak felt his weight shift and he tried to break free from the monster’s hold, but it was no use. His wings were pinned to his side and there was no way to disentangle himself from its grasp. Then Awrr-raak understood why the beast had shifted. It had freed the other talon in order to attack him. The claws being too weak to pierce Awrr-raak’s skin, it was using its knuckles to create a burning friction with his skull.
Again came the monster’s terrible war cry “Who’s a cute little birdie then? Huh? Who’s a cute little birdie?”
Oh the pain, the agony that this torturous monster was inflicting on him. He would not give up. No, he would die fighting. Then he thought of his hatchlings. Who would provide for them? Who would be there to vomit up food for them when they were hungry? Who would throw them off the cliff when they became teenagers? His pride was his second greatest possession, but he had to give it up to save his first. His family. With a sob in this proud warrior’s throat, he did what he had sworn that he would never do. He let out the call of submission.
“Caw, Caw”
The lights came back on and the doors opened once again. The monster must have understood that something was going on, because he stopped the attack on his head, but he had not yet released him from the death grip yet. He did not know what the beast said next, but the intonation was undoubtedly that of a question. He probably wanted to make certain that he had won before he released such a brave warrior to attack him again.
“Can I keep him?” asked Paul.

“No, Paul” said Lore. “I think you have to put him down now”
“Aw, ok.” Said Paul sulkily placing him on the ground. “There you go big fella”
With a tear running down his cheek, but his head held high, the once fierce warrior left the ring.