Perspective
an excerpt

For such an accomplished actress, I’ve never had an acting lesson in my life. Today my performance will be in front of half the town at the Pecan Festival. Most of these people know who I am, and I know who they are – but I don’t know very many of them very well. And they don’t know me well, which makes it even easier to be convincing as I act. Just a few hours is all. I can make it for a few hours. For one afternoon, I can keep up the façade that I have worn so many times before. Smile, laugh, act interested in what they are saying. Listen to stories, tell stories, and generally behave like a normal person, which I am not.
Participating in town, church, and school events really tries my patience. While I know most of these people on sight, I really don’t care to get to know them. I see them laughing and joking and I just don’t feel like a part of it, although I act like part of it. I can’t wait until it’s over so I can go home and de-stress; I can be alone; I don’t have to talk to anyone but close family and friends.
I don’t see how they can laugh and have such a good time. I constantly have a darkness hovering in my peripheral vision; a weight on my joints; tension in my neck, shoulders and forehead. The world is not a bright and happy place for me. The world is corrupt, people hurt one another maliciously, natural disasters bring senseless tragedy to millions each year. I personally experience pressing misery; the encumbrance of negative energy tainting what I do. I selfishly want to be in Heaven with God. I want to leave my family and friends behind and go to that place where the darkness doesn’t threaten to envelope me; where my body feels light and healthy; where those around me have good intentions; where I can learn about God all the time.
But for now, I have to mingle, act like I’m having fun, act like I’m interested in these people and events, act like I have plenty of energy and enthusiasm for this community event. Rising from my seat on the curb, I spot my sixteen-year-old daughter making her way through the crowd on the sidewalk. After quickly brushing at my bottom to remove any debris, I lift my hand, and she sees me and comes straight to me.