The Secret
an excerpt

GOODBYE LETTER TO ADAM
I think that for a while now, I knew this was coming. I’ve tried a hundred times to speak to you, but I always seem to be at a loss for words. Writing to you is the best way that I know how to put myself out there.

In the beginning, I came here to save me from myself. From the images and nightmares that haunted me. I came to here to learn to be at peace with the tragedy that held the answer to who I was. I came here to learn who I was in the face of adversity, when all hope had faded from my very existence. Sometimes, I feel like I’m trying too hard to be this person that I want to be for you. I feel like you have all these expectations and I want to live up to them. I want you to be proud of me. And then I’m also this entirely different person. The one that screams and cries and desires to be alone. It’s hard sometimes it’s hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. I don’t expect you to understand all of this. I guess I just wanted you to know.

I know that I told you it was okay that you’re not here. I lied. I’m not okay with it. I miss you more and with each passing day, the hope that we will one day be together keeps fading. Since you broke up with me, I’ve been dreaming that one day you would show up out of the blue, like in a movie. You would sweep me off me feet and tell me that you still loved me. I would cry and tell you it’s too late. And you would kiss me and say that we belong together forever. My knees would get weak and we would have this dramatic passionate kiss. And, everything would be right again. This whole time, I was fooling myself. I know now that this is my own delusional fantasy. One that will never come true. I’m not what you want. And it sucks because I know that you’re out there dating and fooling around with other girls that are not me. And, I know that you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re doing what you should be doing. But that doesn’t make it any easier in my mind.

It’s time that I let you go. I need to be at peace with myself. As much as I thought I wanted us to be together, I realize now that I need to start living my life again and I don’t want regret to be a part of that. You’ve already done that. You’ve moved on and I’m still standing in the same place I was when you left me there. I already know that this is going to be really hard for me to do because forever from now, part of me will still love you. I’ve never been good at goodbyes. Goodbyes are real. They’re so permanent and we can never take them back. I don’t know if people can change. I don’t know if we’re predestined to replicate similar mistakes over and over again no matter how hard we try for an alternate ending. Until now, somewhere I’ve always had this insane preconceived notion that there will always be a happy ending for you and me. But, the only hope that’s left for me now is to find some sort of peace in all of this. I’m finally letting go. I’m saying goodbye to you, forever.

Love Always,
Tay