Excerpt: Mushrooms and Anchovies

And then they were met with a very large wall with a very angry brick face on it.
"Why the hell is there a face on that wall?" Anchovy snapped.
"WHY DARE YOU TO ENTER THIS PLACE?" bellowed the wall.
"Man does he ever have bad breath," Anchovy murmured to Mushroom.
"I HEARD THAT," the wall replied.
"We seek the jewels," Anchovy replied.
"SO DID THE OTHER TWO THAT WERE HERE," said the wall. "YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE ME A BETTER REASON THAN THAT." Anchovy groaned loudly.
"You mean the other group was already here? How is that even possible?" If walls could shrug, this wall would have. However, since most walls are generally lacking shoulders of any kind, this wall did not shrug.
"THEY GOT HERE FIRST, THAT IS HOW IT'S POSSIBLE," said the wall.
"Well, how long ago?" Anchovy asked.
"ABOUT FIVE HOURS AGO."
"Five hours?! Anchovy cried, wincing. "That's awful! Mushroom, they're already so far ahead of us!"
"Then let's stop talking to the wall and start moving to fix that!" Mushroom replied.
"NOT SO FAST," quoth the wall. "BEFORE YOU PASS BY ME WE MUST HAVE A DUEL OF WORDS."
"A duel of words? What do you mean by that?" Anchovy asked.
"YOU HAVE TO TAKE THAT PADDLE OVER THERE THAT LOOKS LIKE A WORD AND HIT ME WITH IT REPEATEDLY WHILE I TAKE A SIMILAR PADDLE AND HIT YOU WITH IT REPEATEDLY UNTIL ONE OF US KNOCKS THE WORD OUT OF THE OTHER'S HANDS, OR, IN MY CASE, MOUTH." Anchovy and Mushroom stared at eachother.
"I'll do it," said Anchovy.
"You do it," said Mushroom, at the exact same time. The two grinned at eachother.
"WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS TO FETCH ONE FOR ME? I CAN'T QUITE REACH, IN MY STATE." Anchovy went to the corner, where a small stack of words were left. They looked like actual words in that, well, they were black and spelled something out. The words were ARSE, FECK, BOLLOCKS, TITTIES, FART and POOPWHISTLE.
"This is absolutely immature!" Anchovy cried, appalled.
"IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A DUEL OF WORDS THEN YOU'D MIGHT AS WELL DO IT RIGHT," said the wall. "A DUEL OF WORDS ALWAYS MEANS FOUL LANGUAGE." Anchovy graciously avoided the "titties" word altogether and picked "bollocks" for herself and "arse" for the wall. She placed the arse in the walls mouth.
"Count to three, Mushroom," she said. Mushroom obliged, then Anchovy and the wall started their heated battle.
Anchovy started by slapping the bollocks all over the wall, particularly around its nose.
"STOP THAT," bellowed the wall, still somehow managing to keep the arse in its mouth. Anchovy thrusted the bollocks toward the wall's arse, but they bounced off.
"Cripes!" Anchovy yelled. "Your arse is awfully bouncy!"
"I POLISH IT EVERY DAY," the wall replied. Anchovy slapped her bollocks fiercely against the wall's perceived cheek.
"OUCH," said the wall.
"Spit out that arse!" cried Anchovy.
"NEVER!" cried the wall. Anchovy hopped back for a second, after getting arsed in the knee, then she did a roll forward and thrust her bollocks firmly at the wall's arse. The arse flew out of the wall's mouth and rolled onto the floor.
"AND PEOPLE SAID MY ACCENT WOULD NEVER ALLOW ME TO ROLL MY ARSE!" cried the wall. Anchovy stared at him.
"That was dreadful," she said, placing the bollocks beside the arse, where they belonged.
"ANYWAY, GOOD GAME," said the wall. "THAT WAS INDEED A VERY GOOD DUEL OF WORDS. I AM PLEASED AND SATISFIED." Anchovy smiled.
"That was indeed a good game, though very immature, I daresay."
"AND POORLY WRITTEN," agreed the wall.