Excerpt: Sub Rosa: Collateral Damage

Serenity Forest Cemetery
Afternoon

“Thank you for my family.” She watched the leaves stir across the placard, uncovering the angels surrounding the edges of the placard.

He stepped close and nudged her toward him. “Thank you. Sweetheart, we need to get you out of here.” He shook the twins in his arms. “They're getting fussy, honey, and it's getting cold.”

“Just another minute. I can't just leave right now.”

She rocked her newborn daughter then braced her head, lifting her and placing her against her shoulder. “Shh... little one... we'll be going soon.”

“Sweetheart, is she hungry?” He shifted his arms slightly so he could get closer to her. “Come on honey, I know you’re tired. You need your rest too.”

She nodded and watched a dervish of leaves spin off the corner of the tombstone to their left. That caught her attention. It symbolized her life so far. She didn’t know what would happen in the future. It was her hope that it would be better than it has the past years. The years haven’t been kind to her and her family. Now, she had the chance to live her dream.

She looked at the rows nearby. A family plot. So many people she had buried. So many times she had been hurt. So many times she was pulled to the brink of sanity and beyond.

Standing next to her was one of her lifelines. Her way back from the edge. The way back to him. The way for their family and hope for the future.

In front of her lay the past. The faces. The voices. That soul of hers pulled at her. She had to remember them, remember where she came from, remember the reason why she was here today.

In her arms was the future. The path from the darkened road, the darkest, blackest time she had lived, the time when she wanted to keep buried in back of her mind. At one time, all she did was live in her past. It colored what was going on, changing the perception of what was real and unreal to her.

Her reality was skewed to everyone around her but it was normal in her eyes. In her eyes, the events took on a different character and colored her perceptions afterward. What did she know? What did she think she knew? What was false? What was real?

What had others told her, she didn’t believe. It wasn’t real to her. How she acted was out of character. “Out of character,” she was told and she hated those words. Hated them since she was younger.

Those words didn’t cover the hurt that it always brought to her. The hurt that would come back and bite her in the ass at the most in opportune or at the worst time possible. When at the worst times, it always cost a life of someone she knew, someone she cared for, someone she loved. Always taken away at the most inopportune time when that person was needed in her life. She had lost so much. That took a toll on her mind and spirit.

One person brought her mind back. He was the beacon in the darkness. The guiding light from all the darkness surrounding her. That small precise shaft of light was the reason she was here. Intact. As much as possible not as she had hoped, but as good as it gets in her case.

Over the last two years, she had felt the best as in her younger years. It was a welcome relief from all the destruction that was her life. That path was now closed off from her. She would never go there, never ever again. It was never going to happen again. Though that was her hope.

She knew never to say “never.” It was a jinx. Now it was out like the genie from the bottle. No way in hell could she call it back those thoughts.

Dammit, she felt it now. It was going to happen again. She was cursed. She had always known. She knew it to her bones.

She glanced to her left and saw her husband’s shadow appear briefly then disappeared as quickly as it appeared. She shook her head. He didn’t know what it meant for that to happen just then. That was a sign only for her.

“Hey, you’re getting really cold. The kids need to get inside.” He moved to her left side as she shifted the baby against her chest. “Honey, we’ve stayed too long. The twins are beginning to kick each other. The sign that soon they’d be howling.”

“The twins, are they okay?” She snapped her attention to him then the toddlers in his arms. “Shh… little ones, we’re going now. Don’t fight. It’s not good to do. You have to be there for each other.”

She looked at her son. “You have to remember the older takes care of the younger, no matter what.”

Their son stopped and looked at her as if he understood.

Her son glanced at their daughter. The thought was communicated and she settled down.

Both twins turned to her and began cooing together. Their son grabbed his sister’s hand.

“They understand?” He shifted so they could be closer.

“Yes, they do. He just told her.” She felt tears in her eyes.

“That’s amazing.”

“Yes, it is.” She wiped the tears that threatened to fall. “Let’s go home. Get the kids warmed up.”

“Get you away from the bad memories.” He felt her hand around his waist.

“No, just remembering the good ones this time. You chased them away.”

What she didn’t tell him, he’d never know. Knowing it, would only bring pain to them again. That’s not an option.