Excerpt Swaps - Post here if you'd like someone to give you feedback.

hya! some of you may go, whoah! she already got her excerpt critiqued! well, i did. but i put something new up. the old is still there, but if you scroll down to where it says "...to a later chapter..." and start reading from there, that's all new.

of course if you want to critique it all, go ahead! and i don't mind real scathing criticism, if you think it, write it!

cybele, did you want a crit?

ETA: oh, now is see you don't really have an excerpt up. i should have checked first. sorry!

I would love feedback on my excerpt.

It's technically a fantasy (low fantasy, with no magic, mostly political intrigue in an imaginary location), but the excerpt I've posted reads mostly as adventure.

Any and all comments are welcome, either here or by nanomail. Thank you!

hey shyviolet! i really liked the excerpt. at this point i would most certainly keep reading with enthusiasm! your descriptions are excellent and they give a real good mood. I especially liked when you said that the tree was "conquered by time". speaking like that gives the reader the idea that your MC truly is telling the story. not that you are telling the story through an MC. there's a fine line of difference and i believe you've hit it.

//thoughts//
> why does the prince give his name? you describe him as a boy, is he inexperienced? if he were running, he would not give his name. try having the MC guess and the prince be forced to reveal himself.

> it gets a bit awkward when the MC describes his own looks. i've never written in first person so i'm not sure how to do this better, but when he gets into details about his own looks it sounds wrong. Perhaps you could work in the details of his appearance later, as need be. speak of him tossing dark hair out of his eyes. or mention someone noticing what color his eyes are. speak of looking down on the prince from great height or the prince being in awe of his dark skin. things like that may blend the physical description in better.

anyway. i hope that helps a bit! i just want to reiterate, your setting is very realisitic. it is a very believable fantasy-world. i don't have to try too hard to imagine where they are and what they are doing, you put it simply and well.

i like it! if you ever post more, i'd love to read it!

//thougts//
the_irish_one

I'll throw my name down in here. The second excerpt is up, will probably post a third when I hit 25k (which will hopefully be within 12 hours). I'll take any critique anyone wants to give me.

Thanks for the comments! I'm adding you as a buddy, if you don't mind. :-) I will definitely have to work on how Kemen describes himself and the prince's introduction of himself. I'm not sure what to do with that yet, but I will have to redo it somehow. Thanks again.

I'd love to read more of yours as well. I enjoyed what you've posted so far.

Thought it might be intresting (as well as helpful) to post here. Mine is a sort of adventure/drama that takes place in a sort of victorian fantasy universe (Think London.) I personally think that the imagry is good, but think that it can be pretty wordy so that the it seems to get bogged down sometimes. I'm having a little difficulty right now with characterazation and dialouge, but hey this is supposed to be a very rough draft anyway.

I would appreciate any feedback even though I don't expect much response as we're all busy (the only time I really get to work on my novel is from 12:00- 2:00 p.m.) but my exerpts are short so feel free to just look real quickly if you want.

Just read what you had posted on your profile and my quick reaction is this. Great imagery and sensory inclusion, it really drew me in. The only nit I would pick with you is the use of long, parenthetical statements that you seem fond of breaks up the flow a little too much for me. Not a deal breaker, just my opinion.

Keep it up.

BMWeerman

I will throw my hat in the ring here.

Oddly enough I am finding the action sequences in my "Adventure" story to be the hardest to write.

My story takes place in the not too distant future. The oil is almost gone, Souther California is almost out of water and 2 rival factions struggle for control. The Navigators are a motorcycle tribe whos self-defined mission is to maintain some semblance of law and order. Their arch enimies are the Neo-Luddites who would take us all back to the dark ages. My posted excerpt is of their first violent encounter.

I know everyone is busy and any feedback is appreciated.

Thanks

BMWeerman

I posted a paragraph in my exerpt and might change it when I write another interesting paragraph. I've already changed it once.

I think I'd just like some feedback for inspiration so if you feel like it...
(it's on my profile by the way)

My excerpt basically explains the general situation of everything it's sort of an eighteenth century setting but I'm not too sure how stable that's going to be. It definitely has pirate's a little lateron and the overall developing story is quite bizarre but very intriguing...I think XD
Well feel free to check out and I'll review others when I actually get some sleep!
Happy Novelling!

I'm considering giving actual feedback, but it's like, 1:30 am here so I'll probably (if I do it), be giving feedback after I've gotten some sleep...

I'm all about some criticism. I seem to be surrounded by good plot lines and opinions, so why not make the most of it?

uh, well, stinks to mori! i really don't get much of your story from this, but the writing is good. i kinda like mori, he's stoic. david is a slimy worm. i hates him. i hope that's what you intended...

i'll prolly be back for more.

I have a new exerpt up, I'm looking for feedback in some specific areas:

Dialogue- I really struggle with it. Out of 7 chapters, there are only 2 with any serious amounts of dialogue, and this is one of them. To me, it seems really stiff and forced- what do you think?

The MC, Mary is just barely old enough to be out on her own, just barely old enough to get maried if she chose, but I am writing this with a YA audience in mind. Is Mary's reaction to Elan too sexual for this audience?

I am trying to have Elan come across as a combination between James Bond, Rhett Butler, and the Dread Pirate Roberts (Princess Bride). Is that coming through? As you can tell from this passage, he is a "bad guy", though a bad guy who actually does like Mary. He does *not* redeem himself in the end.

I'd love to hear some of your comments, good or bad, but I am actually more interested in criticism than praise!

:) Jen

Did you mean to have more on your exerpt page? It's pretty brief.

That being said- WOW! A really strong opening, that raises a lot of intriguing questions for such a short paragraph. Why is David killing Mori if they were best friends? Why is Mori submitting to it so stoically? Why does David have to get a sword from someone in a tree?

A good hook!

:) Jen

I'd love a comment, sure. It's just an overview. It's what I am using as a base for my story. Is it catching anyone's attention or not? I don't want to reveal too much of the story, but in general, let's just call it a psychopath in the making.

I'd like someone to give mine a once over. i'm about to post a 2nd excerpt up. writing this story as i am is becoming more and more challenging, and i am second-guessing myself throughout some of the scenes. let me know what you think.

tell me if you like it or not
just click my name.

I would like someone read my excerpt because I want know what you think about the style of my writting. I started write my fantasy/adventure in form of a diary...the thing is,I want make it interesting so I need you to tell me how good I made it,and what I need change to make it better.
It's my 1st time here.My 1st story. And I am very excited :)

wow, this is intense! you really caught the feeling of the scene! it's too short to come up with much but, here's my first impression:

> it's hard to tell how old eve is. she seems like a grow woman at first. then she wets her pants. i know it's understandable, but... i dunno. it didn't seem appropriate to the scene.

> the one who does the shooting (i'm assuming it's the same man who speaks to eve at the end of the scene) is really intriguing. i would definitely read more about him. whether he be villain, hero, or self-centered oaf, his very nonchalance catches my imagination.

> your description is excellent. i am a bit confused as to how the shooter (who makes me think of rhett butler for some reason) could have strewn so many body parts with just a gun, but i'm sure that is explained in full elsewhere.

> it is very effective to have eve vomit a few times. although, having her able to talk to the shooter right after she has vomited is rather unreal. i don't know about you, but i never feel like talking after i've vomited... on this note: i think you could leave eve's bodily reaction to the fear and carnage at vomit and have a much stronger effect than having her "wet her panties" at the beginning.

overall, an intriguing piece. i would keep reading, if only to find more about the shooter. =) i like him.

//thoughts//
the_irish_one

well, princessnile, it's really short, so there's not much i can glean from it, but here's what i got.

> the story is interesting. it brings lots of questions to my mind. who is this girl? why does she get caught? is it really a joke?

> the grammar/spelling/sentence structure definitely needs some work, but that's for december, right?

i really don't know at this point if it is a story i would continue to read, i guess i would keep reading to see if i would like it!

keep it up, princessnile!

to everybody... i'd love some ciriticism if anyone's got the time. give me your worst, most scathing, harshest comments ever. =) my excerpt is on my profile page...

//thoughts//
the_irish_one

Thanks ^^. I put a bit from another chapter in my exerpt now. And don't worry, Mori lived. David dropped the sword before it could meet with the boy's neck, because two very sharp claws went through his shoulders.

"No thanks necessary for honesty."

I'm not afraid to admit a guy is cute, hot, uber sexy, cuddly, looks like Zero, etc. That doesn't mean I want to date that guy...

wow! these bits realy have me intrigued! your characterization is excellent. i get an idea of what they're like in a few words. one thought, though. your dialogue is confusing sometimes. the first bit with the raven, the hunter, the rebel, etc, that's confusing. i don't understand who's who and what on earth they're talking about. after we come out of that exchange it gets exciting though.

i really want to see more!

//thoughts//
the_irish_one

ETA: i really like this line: "If you can make me scream, more power to ya. but anybody can make anybody bleed." it's awesome. wish i'd thought of it. it would fit one of my characters so well!

It should have been obvious ^^;, but that exchange is seperate from the other one...

In the convorsation between the hunter (Raven) and the rebel (Zero), Zero just happened to be talking too much. Oh, and by hunter, I meant bounty hunter. Zero willingly went with him.

The other exchange was between Zero and his uncle, who happened to be the king's advisor ^^;.

oh, i understood that they were separate. just the first interchange was rather difficult to straighten out.

//thoughts//
the_irish_one

Yea ^^;, I took that one down ^^;.

To the irish one

I read most of your excerpt, but it's a bit too long for me.

The first part sounded interesting, and so did the second, almost like my kind of story, but not quite. I'm not really into time travel stories much. As for characters, I kinda like them (but not what they do) I worried first about if Ashton would make it or be executed, then about this Matt fellow and how the queen lady treats him, and then worry about Tim, and what his life's gonna be like after Ashton leaves o.o;. It's enough to keep a reader on their toes, I think.

I would welcome any feedback.

Would you mind giving feedback to my excerpt? Thanks!

Thank you zeroslayer for your feedback. I have a fear of general pronouns so I tend to veer towards other extreme. I actually liked the idea of a poem aspect. Hopefully the changes I've made (ie Shadow is now Lapine) will not take away from that aspect.

Meanwhile I am lost in the wilds of exposition *egads* Some one save me :)