let me know what you think... this is my first few paragraphs
On a brisk morning in late November, a rusty, old coach carried by three horses traveled down the road from Petersburg. Seated in the coach was a young man of twenty years, a gentleman of the middling sort, though he showed striking signs of recent poverty; his pale skin was stretched tightly over a distinct face, his boots were in tatters and his coat was worn to the threads. On his face, he carried the unconscious scowl of a man strained by his own thoughts.
“Perhaps it is all for nothing,” he thought to himself, shifting his gaze to the countryside as it brushed past his window like an old landscape painting. “All this, uprooting myself, my life, for the sake of a night terror. Perhaps indeed it is all just meaningless rubbish.” He couldn’t help but notice the coachman peering in at him periodically, as if he were some kind of spectacle. He checked himself at once for some flaw. “Perhaps it is my ghastly appearance,” he though to himself. “Is there something the matter?” he asked at last.
“There is no trouble sir, just wondering who I might have the pleasure of taking along this morning?” The coachman finally asked, feeling a bit timid, but allowing his curiosity to get the better of him.
“The name is Alek Iosifovich.” The young man responded dryly. “Do you expect we shall arrive on time?”
“Quite so, quite so, though we will have to stop at Nikolskoe for horses. I suppose you will want to have lunch there?” The driver asked.
“I suppose so, Nikolskoe is the last place along the road, isn’t it?” asked Alek.
“Indeed it is.” The driver responded simply.
----------
0 / 50,000
avr. 10, 2008 - 23 23
Suspenseful. I like the description of the young man. You've got some fine phrases there. I had to read the 2nd sentence twice because at first I thought there were more passengers. I thought the young man & the gentleman were 2 people. What tripped me up was the syntax: noun + prepositional phrase (a young man of twenty years) followed by the comma and then another noun + prep. phrase (a gentleman of the middling sort) - maybe. Anyway, I otherwise love the description. "brushed past...painting" and "striking signs of recent poverty" - lovely & intriguing. Good hooks into character & plot. Reminiscent of Bram Stoker's Dracula - the carriage trip to Count Dracula's castle, although I don't feel that I necessarily expect anything of that sort, but there's definite suspense.
60,054 / 50,000
avr. 11, 2008 - 11 42
Please place all critique requests in the critiques forum. Thanks.