2008 Overheard (or funny) Dialog Thread!

"I don't care if the dogs licked it, I just want to eat it"

"Don't listen to her, shes a retard!"

And thats all i'm willing to give away =P
I nicked so many last year, I felt its only right to give some back.

Overheard in the bus, at 10 p.m.:

"You should really go to a sex therapist."
"Should I?"
"It's really great, we work in trios. The problem is last time I went there was this emo couple. A girl sucking on a lollipop and this guy... That really looked like a girl."
"I don't want to have anything to do with *guys*."
"That's prejudice! I 'worked' with girls too."
"I have nothing against girls with other girls."
"But I'm 40! And she was really young too..."
"..."
"Stop imagining."

You don't even want to know how some of these came up. And yes, I am so pale that I almost glow. Almost. My friend was exaggerating.

Girl: "...And then this guy actually asked me to stop taking off my clothes!"
Guy: "I came into this conversation way too late."

"You're so pale you were glowing!"

Girl: "You know what would suck? If we got into the locker together during an IOC drill and then someone just locked us in there."
Guy: "I was just thinking that!"
Girl: "I bet (insert weird character's name here) would do it."
Weird Girl: "Yes, I would. Then I would feed you cut up grapes through the keyhole."
Girl: "They would taste like rust."

"Oh my God! I know how we're going to die!"

Guy: "Hey, motorcycle guy! Isn't this place cool? It's like we're not even on the campus anymore!"
Girl: "Yeah, look at the phone booth - there's no phone in it. It's like the Matrix!"
Motorcycle Guy: "You guys are weird."

"You know I can't stand a tease."
"Stop looking in the mirror."
"Why? Are you standing behind me?"
"No. I don't have a sexy walk."
"... Yeah, I do have that."
"At least you didn't deny it."

Teacher: "(Girl1), what're you doing?"
Girl: "(Girl2) wanted to feel my hands because they're really cold."
Teacher: "(Girl2), stop feeling (Girl1's) hands! (Girl1), don't ever do what (Girl2) asks you to!"

I have several from this year's Dragon*Con that I've been waiting to post:

"Sunlight's not for people like us."

"It's okay, you can do it."
"Well, if not, we're gonna die screaming."

"If you look behind you and Jesus is there, it's probably James Callis." (I dare someone to find a use for that in their novel!)

"Harems are fun. Harems are in this year."

"Mad scientists don't build weapons of mass destruction. Mad engineers do."

Just a gem I've been waiting to post....

Friend: Do you like the Jonas Brothers?
Me: No, Do you?
Friends: Sometime I just want to go their concert and DUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUDUDU.
(DUDUDUDU is his machine gun noises. He held his hand like he was shooting a gun too. It was too funny.)

I've thought of some more. Some of them are from this thread from last year.

Window-shopping tourist to wife: "Look, honey! It's the dress your mother wore when they buried her!"

Guy in a cell phone walking through the airport: "so what did you do with the body?"

"I can't enter that room. I'll get boils"

"So that she learns God doesn't sit on a cloud with a wand"

"Clumsy people can't have babies. What if it pops?"

"I swear, the calculator was, like, trying to communicate with me!"

Middle aged woman to friend: "Every morning I wake up and think I look more and more like Mrs Doubtfire"

Old woman to overweight woman: "You look like you would know the answer to this... Where is a cupcake bakery around here?"

The sad thing is that every line here has been spoken either by my retarded friends, or random people overheard at school.

"It's a baby-proof fire pit!"

"YOU FOOLISH PENGUIN!"

"I touched his thingamajiggy and it was absolutely covered in green slime."

"Don't panic people, but I had a tumor. Nothing to worry about, move along."

"Boys are emotionally stunted. Like fetuses."

"They're gonna hang my fat from the ceiling with chains."

"Sorry, but I personally don't find mauling guys with broken dicks very attractive."

"Chocolate? I'd like chocolate. Haven't had any chocolate for a while, actually. I wounder if there'll be chocolate for lunch. Has anybody got any chocolate? Chocolate's good. I bet I've got some chocolate on me, somewhere..."

(I swear, that last one was the funniest thing I'd ever heard. I just about died. And it went on for like twenty minutes, too, and no one noticed. I forgot most of it, but you can probably imagine)

"The lid fell off my handle!"

"Dude. Your handle has a lid?"

"Well, not anymore!"

I am going to have to just carry a notebook with me and transcribe EVERYTHING my friends say...

Here's some I can remember from last night:

Ginger:... That's why I said "Stay away from me with the scapel"
Me: [blank look]
Ginger: Rose said she likes the smell of fresh cut ginger...

Ginger: See I bet even Burnie knows what bootylicious means
Me: It means... your bootie can be ... scratched?
Burnie: I didn't know what a bootie call was until tonight.
Me: How could you not know what a bootie call is?
Nikki: How can *you* ask that?
Ginger: [pats me on the head] It's ok

Be prepared to hear more from us

[edit] See, I had to add some more!

Nikki: We spend all our money on crack. Coz we're whores and all whores have crack habbits.
(don't ask... in joke but I think its funny)

Passed this guy talking to a group of people just as he said "Oh for God's SAKE, will you just pee on my ass?".

>.<

Overheard at a family campground, years ago:

Young child: "Daddy, a bug bit me."

Dad: "Well, bite him back."

Young child: "I did. I ate him all up."

"The radiator is hungry for human souls. We must make a sacrifice!" - overheard in a math class.

Two groups of teens talking at the same time, same place...

Group 1 talk about: Communism. Anarchy. Religion.

Group 2 talk about: OMG dead cat. Crap-on-a-stick.

I heard this whole long dialouge on the bus the other day, soem lady was talking on her cellphone-

She was talking about her Lesbian love life.

Very loudly.

Apparently she was in love with one women, who was a very responsible mother, but was "wearing her out", and she was falling for this other woman.

NormallyI don't try to listen in on conversations, but this was... Fascinating...

Now, some of you may not find the content very funny, but imagine, yourr stuck in a bus, it's practiacally silent, and this is the only thing you hear for 10~15 minutes....

Plus you can only hear one end of the conversation.

Another thing that i heard once (my boyfriend said it.)

Me: "Yeah, I got to touch a brain at this science thingy that I went to, why...?"
My BF: I wish *I* had a brain...

I'll post more when I hear them!

"So did you tell the guy about your lesbian coworkers?" --the guy was talking on his cell phone. College campuses are so much fun.

"I just need to remember where I put my pants..."--overheard in an MMO chat. She was talking about her equipment, of course. :P

Walking up the stairs behind a group of college students:

"And then I, like, woke up and it was, like, totally true, it was under my bed!"

This is something my friend once said to me on a train:

Bert: "Do you think I can take security through the coffee check?"
Me: 0.0

What she really wanted to say was: "Can I take coffee through the security check?" But it was really late, like eleven something at night, so we were really sleepy and tired, and I instantly woke up after that.

It's free to a good home =)

~ Jean

www.overheardeverywhere.com <-- Brilliant for them.

"I don't know how you get dressed. But normally I grab my pants before I grab my belt."

"Where's your body?!"

"I want to be sexually assaulted."
"Why?"
"Because, I think it'd be an interesting experience to have."
"Well, next time I feel like raping someone I'll come see you."

"Are you a kleptomaniac now?"
"Yep."

"Why do you keep having to go to the bathroom so much?"
"I drank a lot of beer..."

I've been collecting these for about five years, so I've got a ton...feel free to use any you want.

"I'm fine as long as I'm not Wanted, which I'm not." ~Jon

"Isn't there an easier way to be lazy?" ~Philip

"Oooh, a squirrel!""Oh look, a squirrel!" ~My freshman homeroom class

"It can't freeze on the windshield, it's got antifreeze in it." ~My dad, about two seconds before it froze.

"Okay, everybody? Don't trust the naked bus driver." ~Marjorie

“We're not arrogant. We're just better than you.” ~Marjorie

"Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty--what happened to you?" ~Anonymous

"I don't need a cage. I've got handy-dandy underpants!" ~Catherine's group
((Okay, this one is funny even in context...my fourth-grade class had to write little plays about Christmas. One of the groups did a puppet show about Santa getting drunk. He traded the reindeer in for hamsters.))

"Angela: My mommy's at work.
Mrs. Sciance: That's okay, I am too.
Angela: Well, where's your ship?
Mrs. Sciance: This is my ship. *Indicates preschool room*
Bailey: Well, who's the captain?
Mrs. Sciance: Mrs. Hart [the principal and owner of the school].
Angela: Well, who's in charge?"

"I'm psychic!...Oh, wait, that's a typo. It's supposed to say 'I'm psycho'." ~Me

"Erica: The book says that guys who ride bikes or wear tight blue jeans have girls because their, uh, reproductive organs are too warm. Is that true?
Mrs. Bird: Maybe we should conduct a survey of men to find out.
Liz: *holds an imaginary pen over an imaginary clipboard* Hello, we're taking a survey. Do you ride a bicycle a lot? *class laughs* Do you wear tight blue jeans? *class laughs harder*
Mrs. Bird: Boxers or briefs? *pandemonium reigns for the next ten minutes*"

"12C, going from good to worse!" ~Angela

"Hey, Daniel? The reason I commented on your hairy legs was..." ~Morgan

"Is that like Jump Rope for Life? Hops for Daniel?" ~Daniel

"There's no such thing as too much Brad Pitt!" ~Danielle

"Curiosity was framed. An 18-wheeler killed the cat." ~Jon

"Mr. Green, boom-boom, ballroom!" ~Ms. Cyndi
((We were playing Clue; the boom-boom was the revolver.))

"Oh, crap, this is a pencil!" ~Angela

"Your personality color is Tickle Me Pink!" ~Morgan

"You know what that song needs? MORE COWBELL!!!" ~Tom

"Against logging? Try using plastic toilet paper." ~Bumper sticker on a logging truck

"You just can't trust a crazy lady, can you?" ~Courtney on Ms. Dotti

"Here's what we did in class today: we talked and Tony asked for mints." ~Daniel

"Most of the drivers around here suffer from chronic cranial-rectal contact." ~Jeff

"Tony, stop adjusting yourself." ~Marjorie

"I'm taking cover and it's not a pretty sight from here!" ~Donna

"What's the other quote you're going to put from me in your quote thingie?" ~Donna

"Flying pumpkins!" ~Ashley

"Finally! I can buckle my seatbelt without digging under someone's butt!" ~Ashley

"I SEE SPOON!!!" ~Me, unfortunately
((We were trying to carve a pumpkin, and all we had was a broken blade and a spoon. I'm dead serious. Someone eventually took pity on us and loaned us a pocketknife, but meanwhile, I was practically leaning into the pumpkin to make sure the spoon was going through the pumpkin.))

"Ashley: *smacking Donna with sleeves* Do you hear the voices yet?
Donna: Yes!
Ashley: *stopping* Oh, okay then."

"Me: We shall call him 'Harry Pumpkin, or: An Ode to Tenacity'.
Ashley: Yeah, because I carved his mouth and half his eye with this little broken-off metal thingie and a spoon!"

"Donna, if you fling pumpkin goop at me I'll give you a pumpkin goop shampoo!" ~Me

"Donna: I've lost my mind. Can you help me find it?
Me: Wait and see if it sends a postcard. Maybe it ran away with your imagination."

"Donna, stop looking at me like a puppy that wants to come in." ~Ashley

"Donna: What's your name again?
Ashley: *stares, slightly stunned*
Donna: Now let me see what my name is...*looks at wristband wearing her lunatic smirk* Don-na!
Ashley: *over this* Gosh, Donna, how long have you known me?
Me: Well, how long has she known herself? I mean...
Donna: I've known myself for four days. The rest of the time I just wander around like a mindless idiot.
Me: Well, that explains a lot.."

"Come sit next to me before I start talking to myself!" ~Donna

"Latrieva: Ooh, that's pretty! Miss Gladstone, when I have a daughter, I'm going to name her that!
Mlle. Gladstone: You're going to name your daughter Minutia?"

"Stephanie: Muy bien et doobluh-vay!
Me: Very good and W?"

"Have a nice w!" ~Mrs. Hart

"May the cat eat you and the devil eat the cat!" ~Erin

"In 'Sinners in the God of an Angry Hand'..." ~Ms. Bogan

"Tony: What does it mean, 'rarely use sex except for health?'
Ms. Bogan: *brief pause* Number 13..."

"Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead." ~Benjamin Franklin

"Twenty-four oceans, twenty-fours skies,
Twenty-four failures in twenty-four tries,
Twenty-four finds me in twenty-fourth place
With twenty-four dropouts at the end of the race." ~Someone's e-mail signature

"Boobs are not supposed to be that close together!" ~Heather

"It was the Fifteen Second Tootsie Roll War....Tootsie Rolls are for killing people." ~Jeremey

"You must be this tall to qualify for ToC..." ~Ms. Flores

"Ms. Bogan: Judging by their name, what do you think the Romantics put emphasis on?
Tony: Love and se........never mind."

"Poop is highly flammable!" ~Richard

"Somebody ate my back porch!" ~David

"When insane, do as the lemmings do." ~Jon

"Jon, stop licking the wall." ~Mom

"Do not kill Mikey, I want to go home!" ~Mom

"Save the trees--wipe your butt with an owl." ~William

"I've got to catch my breath. Somebody go out there and catch my breath for me." ~Nikolai

"Stop popping your eye!" ~Candice

"Can you see my eyebrows?" ~Nikolai

"Bronwyn was a retard at the end, Nikolai was a loser, and Curtis and Rachel are ugly because they don't match." ~Ms. Flores, taking our ToC ballots at face value

"I'd like to sue for my time back..." ~John

"Support Search and Rescue--get lost." ~Mr. Simmer's bumper sticker

"I am a hemorrhoid. What's your point?" ~Mom, upon seeing a bumper sticker that said "Unless you're a hemorrhoid, stay off my ass!"

"Sometimes you just have to ask yourself, 'Am I a selfish leprechaun?'" ~Mom

"She was writing me messages on the Skittles and I was just writing back!" ~Calli

"Only this class could pass notes on Skittles..." ~Me

"I think you should go back on Rubber Band Martial Law." ~John to Ms. Bogan

"I wouldn't want to watch a movie with you for the first time and see naked people all over the T.V., that would be gross." ~Ms. Bogan

"Marjorie: No, really. It says in the story that on Purim you're supposed to get so drunk that you can't tell the difference between night and day.
Ms. Bogan: But wouldn't you be, like...dead?"

"Where there are monkeys, there's pie." ~Jon

"My life is a cement elevator." ~Cali

"Me: Jon, you don't understand half of what you say now.
Jon: Yes, I do.
Me: No, I mean the other half."

"I did lick a battery once. It hurt." ~Amanda

"Veni, vidi, vomit--I came, I saw, I ordered the fish." ~Jon

"I just know my last words are going to be, 'Hey, Jeremy! Catch me! WHAM!'" ~Paul

"Don't stick your fingers in the mink cage." ~Dolf

"Can you stick your fingers in the gorilla cage?" ~Danielle

"I'm smarter than my sister, thank you! She's in first grade!" ~Matt

"Nathaniel: Troy, why did you just put your crotch in my face?
Cassie: Hey, it was in my ear!"

"I swear to drunk I'm not God." ~Stacey

"Oxygen is corrosive. The earth makes things to get rid of things we don't need, so it made humans to get rid of the oxygen." ~Science Fun with Jacob!

"Jacob: Everybody laughs at me now, but one day...you'll see...
Daniel: No, I think we'll laugh at you then too."

"Dad: Did you hear a word I just said?
Jon: Sure. 'Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, me-me-me-me-me, blah-blah-blah, me-me-me, blah-blah-blah-blah-me-me. WORK!'"

"But on the inside, how can you have a messed-up nose?" ~Lettema

"Marjorie: What is up with you and love, Sabo?
Lettema: It's the red shirt, it's the red shirt.
Nichole: Yeah, you should see him in Spanish class."

"There are some ugly people in this school..." ~Marjorie

"Daniel: Matt, that gak on your shirt makes you look like you've been lactating.
Matt: Everybody's been saying that, but I don't know what it means.
Marjorie: Sound it out, Matt.
Matt: ...Something to do with milk?
Marjorie: Very good, Matt.
Matt: Well, I don't know...
Me: She wasn't being sarcastic, Matt.
Matt: I was right?!
Marjorie and me: Yes, Matt.
Matt: I've been milking?! ...Oh."

"Daniel: You should've asked her for some pants. 'Mom? I lost my pants.'
Patrick: And your shirt.
Daniel: Yeah. 'I'm actually huddling naked in the corner. Please help me.'"

"It's not a movie, it's a way of life." ~John

"I'm Irish!...That was random." ~William

"I'm Christ, he's God, you're an emperor..." ~Marjorie

"I'm leaving her for Nathan…wait, that’s not what I meant!" ~Jon

"We're sorry, your question cannot be completed as dialed. Please hang up and do not try again." ~Philip

"Helk is a fish that tastes like feet." ~Jon

"David: *sings to Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star* When you touch a non-pretty bird, it will scream like a buffalo herd...
Phillip: Buffalo herds don't scream.
David: Hush."

"I used to be able to hold a cow..." ~Jon ((He meant a tune. It's a long story.))

"Any teacher worth his salt can make damn sure you don't pull an 'A' average." ~Granddad

"Please keep your arms and legs inside the aircraft at all times to reduce the drag..." ~Pilot of the flight home

"And...oh wait, I do have JK Rowling's e-mail address. It was right here under my 12 Easy Steps to Becoming Satan handbook." ~Kate
((I used to go to a Harry/Hermione fansite...someone accused the webmistress of being Satan for shipping Harry/Hermione then asked for JKR's e-mail address so this idiot could get the site shut down.))

“Okay, I’ll bite. Why are we fishing with a tractor?” ~Mom

“Look, an upside-down pretzel! It must be the anti-crust!” ~Jon

“I think that in Book Seven, one of the three main characters should die. Not at the end, because that would be the ultimate sacrifice, and not in the middle, because that would be kind of like the ultimate sacrifice, but at the beginning. Especially if it was Harry. Then the seventh book could be called Harry Potter and the Chapters That Follow.” ~Dad on the last Harry Potter book

“Go skitch a duck!” ~Me

“kat_lupin: i gotta put that conversation in my guidelines
katya_rutchski: What conversation?
kat_lupin: the one about snape?
kat_lupin: shit... that won't work
katya_rutchski: Oh, okay.
kat_lupin: ill have to put it somewhere else
kat_lupin: maybe on the train?”

“He’s one tomato short of a pineapple.” ~Katie

“Oh! I’m wearing a yellow shirt! [begins leaping about the classroom] I’m a bright little ball of sunshine!” ~Margo

"I can feel my brain shaking." ~Richard

"William: Life is like a box of chocolates--you never know how many freshmen you're going to get. HOW RANDOM IS THAT?!!
Jon: That depends on whether or not you're eating freshman chocolates..."

"My mom told me I couldn't go to the park because there are queers and little kids there." ~Donna

"I'm seeing double. There are two of you...and I think three of you, but I'm not sure." ~William

"I don't have calves, I have heifers." ~Mom

"I take out the recycables because they're clean..." ~Tony

"I'm a belly button that strives to be a toenail!" ~Jon
((We were talking about how we are all part of the body of Christ.))

"Oh, yeah. I'm the armpit of God..." ~Julie

"So if I bought a toilet from Australia, it would flush the Australian way?" ~Anna

"my name is candice i am your ruler you will bend to my will you damned palm pilot give me a sign that you understand or i will crush you palm pilot gods make us go to states please" ~Candice typed that on my PalmPilot when we were at Regionals for Forensics

"Dude...if you were a plant, could people smoke you for an enlightened state of mind?" ~Azlan

"Game: *incessant knocking*
Mom: Is there something wrong with—
Game: BOOM!
Mom: ...Never mind."

"When I woke up, I knew it was gonna be one of those days. So I put my sweatpants on, and I tried to slick back my hair...and then I said, 'Fuck it.' And went back to bed." ~Richard

"John: And Kristin's sitting there...'I hope they die so I can turn off the air conditioner all I want!'
Angela: Yeah! 'If they die, I get the thermostat!'"

"Girl: Hey, Jon, what's your birthday?
Jon: March second.
Girl: So your sign is...
Jon: Exit, next left!"

"It was in the news this morning. This midget fortune-teller escaped from Eastern Hospital—you know, the funny farm up near Williamsburg? Well, he escaped. You know what the headline said? 'Small Medium At Large.'" ~Mr. Upton, going a long way for a bad joke.

"MIDGET!!! He said MIDGET!!! Who says MIDGET anymore?" ~Angela

"Tracee: It's the only time we get to dress up really crazy. Plus it's an excuse for you to wear a tutu.
Mr. Upton: It would take more than an excuse to get me to wear a tutu."

“Jon Cougan: my rock, my savior, my albatross…” ~Ms. Flores

"Whoa...IB has an honor code?!" ~Nathaniel

"Me: The answer my friend is blowing in the wind/The answer is blowing in the wind...
Jon: Unless the wind is beer.
Me: What?!
Jon: *pumps fists in the air* I love randomness!"

"Bruised minds think alike..." ~Me on my dad and brother

"Friends don't let friends be rednecks." ~Katie

"Veni, vidi, volo in domum redire--I came, I saw, I want to go home." ~T-shirt

"Well, would you prefer physical abuse or sexual molestation?" ~Mr. Fischer

"I collect strangers!" ~Donna

"Okay, we're in agreement: trees aren't terrain." ~Jon

"I need, like, Pink-Out." ~Angela

"I have doowhackies, but I don't have any hoohickies..." ~Zach

"Mme. Masterson: You like Henry, you don't like to Henry...
Marjorie: I like to Henry...
Mme. Masterson: Henry on your own time!"

"Mr. Martin: I don't have a song for that one...
John: That's good, 'cause I'm all out of crackers."

"They grow in the swamps, those andrefers...they never lose their pinecones or whatever." ~Mme. Masterson, attempting to cover up a typo.

"Real men use purple!" ~Daniel

"Someone took my brain!" ~Neurologist

"No, you cannot do dirty things on my board!" ~Mr. Green

"We're going to defecate on babies?" ~Victor

"I just love getting on the bus and hearing someone scream 'NUT NUT NUT!!!'" ~Jeff

"Ken: If you focus on only studying, if you forget your chores and your family and your friends and just study, what happens? What do you get?
Me: Acing the IB program?"

"Ken: What's your teacher's name? Kaiser?
Me: *slightly confused* Stein?
Ken: Stein! That's it! I knew it was something German!"

"Bronwyn...I hate to say it, but...can you watch Bob's nuts?" ~Mary

"You know, it's a good thing I'm not the principal. I'd be on the P.A. system like...'Teachers and students, please pardon the interruption. I have a sudden urge to sing karaoke. Deeeeead puppiiiiiiiiies...'" ~Jon

"Jon: *singing in a deep bass* I can siiing...just not very weeeell...
Me: Actually, that wasn't half bad.
Jon: *singing in a deep bass* What was the other haaaalf?"

"What are you doing out there?!" ~Anonymous shriek from another classroom
((One of my classmates climbed out onto the roof from our window. He was measuring to put in a cappuchino pump. I am not making this up.))

"Gum for the leper?" ~Richard

"Richard: She's become leperfied!
Anna: Leperfied?
Richard: Leperfied...deep-fried leper..."

“Oh, cool, it’s shiny like a mirror! I can see myself! Oh, it’s upside-down. Here, I’ll turn it so that it’s right-side up…” ~Anna

"Tom: Heartburn? Indigestion?
Kayla: No, underwire."

"Tums?! These are like the Anti-Tums!" ~John on Mini-Eggs

"The soundtrack of my life: the Beatles, then the Mushroom Dance." ~Sara

"John: I lost my sandwich.
Mrs. McLaughlin: You ate it.
John: *looking for sandwich* Yeah, I can't find it. I think I just...*looks in trash can* Oh, I did eat it!
Richard: You know, it's pretty sad when you lose your sandwich by eating it..."

"You don't remember the picture I showed you? The cat with the sniper rifle?" ~John

"Daniel: Can I answer it? They won't call again.
Ashley: Answer it in French.
John: *in sort of hoarse, half-crazed, robotic snarl* Bon-jour!"

"You're reflecting on the wall....It'd be even cooler if you were high." ~Victor

"Is the locker whispering sweet nothings in your ear, Ian?" ~Me

"Make love to me, Ian...I want you..." ~Ian Tarr, pretending to be the locker, while videotaping the whole thing.

"This locker has beautiful knobs." ~Ian Jones

"Put a hip in there! Your hips are an asset! Use them!" ~Ian Tarr

"Ms. Flores: And now you're a weak Mexican woman. Because Mexican women are weak.
Aaron: Yeah, and black men go to jail.
Ms. Flores: Yeah! *high-fives him*"

"Mr. Green: [on the Musical Investigation] Do you do activities?
Curtis: We made ice cream...
Me: Cooking Fun with Berlioz!"

"We require these eunuch—unique procedures..." ~Mr. Daughtrey

"She should be, like, AM, 'cause she'd be out on the block early." ~Aaron on Angela's rap name

"If you're at the bottom of the ocean and you run out of air and you're all alone, which you're not supposed to do, then you pop off the weights and you fill up your BCDs and you put your arms over your head and exhale all the way to the top and hope your lungs don't explode." ~Richard

"She's just watched a horror movie. Ghostbusters or something." ~Mr. Upton

"Tracee's on acid. She hears the walls and the ceilings..." ~Angela

“Anna: You want to meet more of those…what’s the word I want? Pedophilic people?
Richard: Pedophiliacal.
Anna: Pedophiliacal…[entire class starts laughing] What?…Ohh. *glares*”

"Richard: We're only laughing at you a little, Anna.
Angela: Krystal's laughing at you a lot."

"You know what you guys both need? A hug." ~Aaron to Jeremey and Donovan

"I'd give my last arm for you guys!" ~Donovan

"I'm from an autobiography." ~Reginald

"Mrs. Shaw: Most exciting vacation...'My trip to Three Flags...'
John: 'Three Flags'?
Mrs. Shaw: I don't know, Three Flags, Four Flags...
Justin: Get it right! It's Five Flags!
John: It was only half-open.
Zach: *with mocking derision* It's West Virginia."

"Look at the giant cock on that sign!" ~Nikolai

"Mrs. Shaw: *draws a straight line on the board* Justin's family tree.
Justin: *runs up and draws a circle on the board* Ms. Shaw's family tree!"

"He's squeezing my bulletin board..." ~Mrs. Shaw

"Who will take home the lord of all knickknacks?!" ~Jim Carrey on the Oscar

"Mr. Etter: Hey, by the way, what does B.S. stand for, anyway?
Cara: Bologna Sandwiches, Mr. Etter!"

“Chelsea, you’re a buccaneer!” ~Janey
((It's even funnier if you know that the person who said this woke up at 4 A.M. on a school camping trip, shouted this and woke up her whole room with it, and went back to sleep.))

"I had a friend who could just pick up a piano and play..." ~Mrs. Shaw

"Mr. Martin: [quoting an e-mail on SOL retesting] "A group of student..."
Aaron: Just like the SOLs!"

"I was born in Biology last week..." ~Jon

"I'm cement, you're glue. Whatever you fail to hold smacks into me and DIES!!!" ~Jon

"Marjorie: I can honestly say that that makes NO sense.
Danielle: Well, that doesn't matter, because...I said it."

"Me: Anna, is that your natural hair color?
Anna: Yes, it's my natural hair color.
Krystal: *laughs*
Anna: I DON'T GET IT!
Krystal: *gestures to Anna's hair* Blonde?"

"John: Is it the same day as this year or does it move forward one day a year?
Me: What, Easter Sunday?
John: Easter Sunday, yeah. Is it the same day or is it going to be on a Monday, then a Tuesday, then a—
Me: John, Easter Sunday is always on a Sunday."

"Great, now my mouth tastes like window." ~Jon

"Mom: I even tried UFF DA 1, UFF DA 2, UFF DA 3, UFF DA 4...
Dad: UFF DA phone and drive, jackass!"
((Uff da is kind of the Norwegian equivilent of "Oy vey".))

"Mr. Martin: Ah, the smell of bologna in the morning...
John: This isn't bologna.
Mr. Martin: Salami...
John: It's chicken breast."

"Mr. Martin: There was a lot of demand for this kind of art...what have they obviously done?
John: Colored in the lines."

"These little girls were raised to be pure Nazis....They showed them dancing over a SWAT sticker..." ~John

"Me: I read once that the world record for the most number of kids born to one woman was sixty-four. It was a Russian woman.
Angela: Of course it was a Russian woman! It's cold there!"

"Where do you see rebirth? Except for the mating of the lambs....It's been a long day." ~Richard

"Aaron: 'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik!' That's our chant!
Mr. Martin: It should be 'Deutchland, Deutchland, uber allest'.
Aaron: Or 'I Am A Jelly Doughnut'."

"Richard: Mr. Martin, I have to go.
Mr. Martin: To the restroom?
Richard: To the orthodontist."

"Je n'ai pas des chien. J'ai un mari. [I don't have dogs. I have a husband.]" ~Mme. Masterson

"You got fooled by SABO?!" ~Marjorie to John

"Sara: You know all those gullible jokes? You know, 'If you say "orange" really slow, it sounds like "gullible"'?
Tony: Oooo-rrr-ann-ggge...no, it doesn't! I bet if you say 'gullible' really slow it sounds like 'gullible', though! Guuuu-liiiii-bllllle...see?"

"We do not have a book from [William] Blake, I did not know him personally...Shaffer did, though..." ~Mrs. Shaw

"Mrs. Shaw: Yes, that's very good. Make those Biblical allusions [to “A Poison Tree”]. Because what did Christ say? 'Love thy neighbour as thyself.'
John: Can we say 'damnation' again?"

"There's a conclusion to the end?!" ~Kirstin

"I think we should wait a day on the test to give you a chance to learn Physics..." ~Tracee to Mr. Upton

"I don't trust you and your confusedness to grade my test." ~Anna

"Mr. Upton: We don't like anyone getting up in our personal space.
Angela: Especially ourselves!"

"Hey, look! It's the Armpit of Dune!" ~Kayla

"Kayla: Everybody do the Chicken Dance!!!
Me: WHAT?!"

"Kayla molested the pole!" ~James

"'Lighthouse for sale—2' and up.' WHAT?! 'You must be this tall to purchase a lighthouse.'" ~Me

"What is it with you and burning me?" ~Anna to Richard

"Mme. Masterson: You guys are never going to have two lunches again.
Jessica: Why?
Mme. Masterson: The deer-in-the-headlights looks I'm getting...
Jessica: You get those all the time."

"I like this book because everyone dies!" ~Sara on The Picture of Dorian Grey

"According to John Boswell, a professor at Yale university—and, he's dead now, but when he wrote the book he was pretty much alive..." ~Jessica

"Can you believe that? Gay dolphins." ~Ms. Flores

"It [the Eiffel Tower] has actually gained weight. That's what it gets for living in Paris." ~Janice

"If you're in a French café and something furry brushes your leg, it's not a naughty Frenchman..." ~Janice

"Being the size of a garden gnome doesn't help, so if you can't see me, I'm the silly lady waving the frog umbrella." ~Janice

"Stephanie broke the toilet!" ~Mme. Masterson

"You want me to get down on my knees and do you, then you can get down and do me?" ~Kate to Sonia
((They were taking pictures of each other in front of the Eiffel Tower...honest...))

"I think I know what pee looks like, I drank it." ~Kate

"Sorry, we were talking about clown strippers." ~Stephanie

"Mr. Masterson: The ladies' room was clean!
Mrs. Coreley: That's because y'all don't usually use it."

"Daniel: You guys were singing off-key...
Me: In several off-keys.
Stephanie: You mean several keys off.
Me: No. Everyone was in a different key, none of which was the right one. I meant several off-keys!"

"Emma: We've got a drive of a few hours tomorrow but there will be a rest stop...
Daniel: Will there be singing?"

"I'm saving my syllables for an emergency!" ~Sonia

"Oh, yes! You are a burning pile of sticks! Rrrr!" ~Brittany to Daniel

"She almost got hit by a parking garage." ~Aria

"Be careful of the traffic and the Japanese." ~Emma

"Sonia: It's like carpet!
Stephanie: Do you routinely dred carpet?"

"That explains it, the third eye is a Butt Cam!" ~Zorro on a comic strip character

"Marjorie: [quoting research] 'Risk number two: cattle mating with others outside the compound.'
Me: Oh, yeah, because cows are just so amazingly agile they could leap over the fence...
Marjorie: It jumped over the moon, didn't it?!"

"I know you are what you eat, but that's taking it just a bit too literally!" ~Sara on Marjorie's statement that a risk is that cows will "ingest" the DNA of other animals

"The inside of a spoon is a concave mirror. So if you get inside F, it's right-side up and larger, so you can use it to pick zits. If you wanted to, you could. It's a whole new use for spoons!" ~Mr. Upton

"Marjorie: Je ne t'aime pas! [I don't like you!]
John: *pretends to be hurt* Tu ne m'aime pas? [You don't like me?]
Marjorie: Non! [No!]
John: Pourquoi pas? [Why not?]
Marjorie: Parce-que le balloon! [Because of the balloon!]
John: Tu ne m'aimes pas parce-qu'un balloon?! [You don't like me because of a balloon?!]"

"Tony, my foot is about to beat your face." ~Sara

"Tony: [whispers loudly] Forty-three days 'till summer break!
Marjorie: [whispers loudly] I heard you the first three times!
Tony: [whispers loudly] Well, I'm telling you again!
Sara: [whispers loudly] Tony—shut up!"

"Mountain Dew never looked like that!" ~Lettema
((The waiter accidentally gave her my ginger ale.))

"I used to drink things that may have been radioactive..." ~Marjorie

"Mr. Martin: Angela, I fight fire with fire!
Angela: Mr. Martin, I fight fire with water!"

"Dad: You should have a football game along with the writing on the wall.
Jeff: *sings* Mene, Mene, Tekel—TOUCHDOWN!!!"

"Brokeback Flipper!" ~Marjorie

"GET OUT! This is a GIRL ONLY—*looks down* Oh. Never mind." ~Mr. Fischer to a boy who came into our room

"I don't like numbers." ~Marjorie

"The muumuu has yet to realize its full potential as a fashion statement." ~Marjorie

"I've got a leg up on the composition!" ~Marjorie

"Silence, fool! When I ask your opinion I shall ask for it!" ~Donovan

"Which way does the letter 'd' go?" ~Danielle

"Sara! You've been hiding this book from me?" ~Tracee

"Mr. Upton: You see people shuffling through the halls and then...
Anna: We don't shuffle.
Angela: We boogie."

"Who's Arthur King?...Oh, King Arthur!" ~John

"'When were the Estates General called together? Not often, and not regular...regularily...'" ~Tony

"Tony, I told you not to steal anything you couldn't fit in your pocket!" ~Kristen

"I voléed it." ~Tony

"A limerick is a poem with rhyme
At which I do bad all the time.
Since this poem does suck,
Rotten fruit I must duck,
And perhaps get a job as a mime." ~The Lurking Dragon

"Me: I'm having fun discovering my calculator.
Tracee: Yeah, well, some people are having fun discovering the square root of 36."

"Anna: Wait, wait. You hunt woodchucks with one of these things [high-powered rifles]...wouldn't they just kind of explode?
Mr. Upton: Well, uh, uh...well, yeah."

“Sara: There are four and a half guys in the senior IB class, so--
Me: Wait, four and a half?
Sara: Yeah, four and a half guys. See, we decided that [one of the guys] only counts as half a guy because he has the parts, but not…did I actually just say that? I can’t believe I just said that!”

"Senator Big-Club-In-Hand and Senator Broken-Head." ~Richard

"I hit Mr. Fox in the door with the face..." ~Sara

"Your spine is in your pocket?!" ~Richard

“Only an IB kid would actually know this and start singing ‘Yankee Doodle’ to ‘Amazing Grace’!” ~Tracee

"Mr. Fischer: And, what, you guys are just taking the day off?
Tiffany: *pause* Pretty much."

"Tanya: I'm dizzy.
Johanna: I'm hungry.
Me: I'm Bronwyn."

“Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum in este aiur. [I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.]" ~Roureem Egas

((A friend of mine and I were RPing...she was Remus and I was Sirius.))
"Remus: Yummy yummy yummy... hey, Sirius, guess what I gots fer breakfast?
Sirius: Something chocolate.
Remus: No, the love we share.
Sirius: *confused* You're having Swedish fish for breakfast?
Remus: :narrows his eyes: How many times have I told you not to mention that?"

"Curtis: 5571—
John: Wait, I've gotta get my phone on!
Curtis: That's a personal problem."

"*Evil grin, demonic laugh, compulsive hand-rubbing, widdle-chibi-plushi-huggles, systematic cat-petting, paranoid eye-shifting, and demon-hoard-summoning*
*Plus something to do with the godlike qualities of Alan Rickman thrown in there somewhere*" ~Me

"Spanish people must be deaf." ~Mme. Masterson

"The last time I saw Adeline Roane...before she died...she said, 'I'm worried about what might happen when I get out of here.' I just looked at her and said, 'What makes you think you're getting out of here alive?!' And, uh...she said something I can't repeat." ~Pastor Jim

"Let's stop having fun, this is school after all." ~Mrs. Shaw

"Hug your Hitler." ~Richard

"I've never seen Hitler do Disco before." ~Me

"Ah, we have Hitler and Mao Zedong saying the Pledge of Allegiance." ~Mr. Martin

"Shall I go and deal with them?" ~Richard dressed as Hitler, about the noise from next door

"Mr. Martin: Nobody's going to have a...ah...wardrobe malfunction?
Tracee: Well, Sara might give birth to a pillow..."

"It can be 'Gone Without the Wind!'" ~John

"I.B., I came, I ate." ~Tracee

“If I die, I want you to say at my funeral, ‘I’m sure she was going the speed limit!’” ~Ms. Susan

“I got my eyes pierced today!” ~Robbie

"*singing* Hooray for Mommy! Three cheers for Mommy! She's smarter than a stick!" ~Me

"Kayla: You're short...
Mom: Yes, but I'm horizontally gifted!"

"My first Christmas here I got to be an angel...until someone ate my halo." ~Jack the basset hound

"*jumping up and down* New meter sticks! New meter sticks! New meter sticks!" ~Richard

"Bob: Women are cheaper than men.
Mom: I beg your pardon?!"

"I said, 'I am not a "nigga". If anything, I'm a cracker.' And he said, 'Oh, you're a nigga cracker, huh?" ~Jon

"Daniel: What about Munich? There was a lot of violence in that movie...
Mrs. Daley: Eunuch?!
Daniel/Marjorie/Me: No, Munich, Munich!!!
Mrs. Daley: Oh, I was going to say, Eunuch? I haven't seen it but there's probably a lot of violence in it...
Daniel: Not a lot of sex, though.
Mrs. Daley: Yeah, but a lot of violence, at least at the beginning. That would be a movie no man would ever see..."

"No grooming in class." ~Mrs. Stein

"Africa can wait." ~Mrs. Daley

"Put the map in front of your face again." ~Mrs. Daley

"'...and fried the green tick—tick—pickled tomatoes'. Not tickled potatoes, that wouldn't work." ~Mrs. Stein

"Mrs. Stein: [on scented permanent markers] Okay, look. I know those smell good, and…I don't know if you can still get high off them, but…
Allena: Well, it says non-toxic…
Tara: Yeah, it says non-toxic.
Me: It's only non-toxic if you eat it!"

"Why are we doing, like, the Crocodile Driving Worm?" ~Marjorie

"I'M A SPOOL!" ~Marjorie

"You're a terrible spool!" ~Daniel

"I'm an idiot and you're not!" ~Vicki

“If I made a party mix CD, I’d make the first track just be somebody saying ‘Check…check…check…’ over and over again. It’s just not a party mix without Checks!” ~Jon

"Computer: Beep…beep…beep…
Mme. Masterson: Oh—
Computer: Beep…
Mme. Masterson: Fine, be that way!
Computer: Beep!"

"But if the boy is bad, then he has thin eyebrows that are pointy…" ~Sara

"Marjorie: Okay, Tony, whatever Mr. Fox asks you today, answer 'Sphincter.'
Sara: 'Sara, what is the square root of 49?' 'Sphincter.'
Tony: *raises his hand* Urethra.
Marjorie: Okay, you can do that too."

"*robotic voice* I am a cyborg. 4044. I must do something sweet. *does the Robot*" ~Marjorie

"*gasps* We can stay in here all day! *bell rings* Crap." ~Sara

"Angela: *to Victor's lacrosse stick* Hi, Nichole Richie!
Me: Okay, it's one thing to name a lacrosse stick, it's another thing to talk to it!
Tracee: Not when it's Nichole Richie.
Angela: Yeah, you can't ignore Nichole Richie!"

"The water is melting." ~Tracee

"Our cars are like electrons, so we have all these negative cars—*breaks off laughing*" ~Mrs. Gates

"Daniel: I don't look like a black girl.
Angela: You could if you wore leggings."

"White girls match. Black girls…go." ~Danielle

"If you come in the summer, be sure to stop by our Winter Festival!" ~Tracee

"John: We have a slew of exercises to do…
Marjorie: I know. I wrote them on the board.
John: *looks at the SIX FOOT LETTERS IN NEON GREEN on the board* Oh, I didn't even see them!"

"I'm so glad it's Friday! I've thought it was Friday all day…" ~Anna

"This has 'long night' written all over it." ~Jon

"John: We should start a rap group, me and Orlando.
Robbie: The Double-Stuff Oreos and Milk Gang?"

"Y'all are having too much fun with that. Leave the electrons alone!" ~Danielle

"Danielle: We can't have free electrons running around the classroom!
Richard: They're not free, they're enslaved."

"Resistor A? Where the hell is Resistor A? Oh, above…" ~Mr. Elahi

"It's saying everything, and I'm not listening. *leans close to it, sing-song voice* I'm not li-sten-ing!" ~Mme. Masterson
((We were in lockdown. She was talking to the printer.))

"Mrs. Daley: Why should I let you use the computer?
Sabo: *small, high voice* I don't want to die!"

"We were supposed to go online and have something printed out, and if we don't he's gonna beat us." ~Kempner on the Fischer Papers

"My mom said I can't be a goddess." ~Richard

"It's educational vomit!" ~Daniel

"Why don't you save yourself for prom?" ~Ms. Flores to Sabo

"That sentence taken out of context can mean so many things." ~Daniel

"Ms. Flores: Donovan, I don't know where your hostility comes from.
Donovan: Read my proposal and you'll know."

"[Nietzsche] died of syphilis. He got it from his one and only time, and it was with a, uh, Lady of the Night. No wonder he thought life was meaningless." ~Mr. Fischer

"Me: *sigh* It's raining.
Donna: Really?
Me: I think so.
Donna: How?!"

"Sara: There was one—I think it was the White Ranger—he stars in porn now.
Vanessa: How would you know that?!"

"What does that say? A coffee cup healer?" ~Angela

"Ms. Flores: A thesis statement.
Mr. Fischer: I'm going to call it a feces statement from now on.
Ms. Flores: Well, that's only if it's plural. It's a thesis statement.
Mr. Fischer: A fecis statement—no. A fecal statement!"

"SHH! Kristen can't read!" ~Mr. Fischer

"Eeeew, Rocky Porn!" ~Sara

"*whispers* Guess what? My name is Franz Kafka!" ~Tracee

"Professor Plum, in the library, with Miss Scarlet." ~Jon

"Seniors, I love you too, and thank you for doing it in chalk." ~Mr. Daughtrey

"It's a base-by-base casis." ~Richard

"Je suis un homme [I am a man]." ~Calli

"C is not generally a vowel." ~Mme. Masterson

"I've been seduced! By Anna! What does this MEAN?!" ~Marjorie

"Soggy things are good." ~Calli

"Victor: I'm drawing a blank right now.
Mrs. Daley: I'm gonna blank you in a minute."

"Fruit fries!" ~Aaron

"She's a black radical feminist. *pauses* Daniel's favorite kind." ~Mrs. Foss on bell hooks

"So they [the Victorians] thought, 'Oh, this is disgusting,' but at the same time they thought, 'Ooh, wow, we can see their boobies!'" ~Mrs. Foss

"Me: If I have to watch one more clip from this movie [Napoleon Dynamite] I'm going to cut my brain out with a spoon.
Sara: Wait. That took a minute to sink in. Then I was like, 'Did she say…? She did say spoon! Ha-ha-ha-ha!'"

"Shouldn't you be here developing…your…staff…?" ~Daniel

"You can't steal apology cookies!" ~Tracee

"Mr. Martin: Look at that, they're drinking beer in your class.
Mrs. Daley: *looks at Jessica, who is chugging root beer* Oh, I encourage it for her."

"[Sabo, John, Marjorie, Tony, and Calli are watching MIIII]
Sabo: This was on the Chesapeake Bay Bridge tunnel!
John: Yeah…
*Missile turns section of bridge into giant fireball*
Marjorie: So THAT's why it was being repaved!"

"Daniel: How do you end an angry letter?
Me: 'Die.'
Mme. Masterson: Well, it's formal.
Daniel: Yeah, it's a formal angry letter.
Sara: 'Sincerely, I hope you die.'
Tony: 'Get well soon.'"

"Sara: *patiently* Seven minus two is five.
Tracee: I'm only in Calculus."

"[Anna is trying to read Hoi Ming's quote collection, where she has seen her name]
Anna: What did I say?!
Hoi Ming: All sorts of things."

"Kayla: Hey, Crackhead!
Mr. Fischer: *turns, a 'Yes?' look on his face*
Me: I can't believe you answered to that!"

"I don't think that three more eights is four." ~Marjorie

"Who wants to get that out of my pants?" ~Mr. Morris

"Mme. Masterson: You want a note?
Kristen: No, he's John, he can do anything."

"Pastor Bruce: Eternity will tell what the fruit of this mission [the Wesley Characters] will be…
Mom: *under her breath* Kumquats?"

"Marjorie: Can we play Trivial Pursuit?
Mrs. Daley: *turns slowly* Why the hell would we play Trivial Pursuit?
Daniel: For…trivial reasons?"

"The Bible occurred in this area…" ~Tracee on the Middle East

"That's a cute tie, John! Well, it's not cute, because 'cute' is not a very masculine word, but…YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!" ~Danielle

"Antiggy." ~Mrs. Stein, meaning to say Antigone

"Spatula madness!" ~Marjorie

"Danielle: Mrs. Gates, why did you say your parents bought it for you? Why didn't you just lie and say that you found it around your house?
Mrs. Gates: Well, I didn't want you thinking that I had spent money on a wind-up flashlight."

"Hey, did you know there's actually a movie called 'Elvis Is Alive! I Swear I Saw Him Eating Ding Dongs Outside the Piggly-Wiggly'?" ~Me

"Mrs. Stein: It won't be an affront to your manhood, will it, to be the nurse?
Curtis: I don't have a…uh…yeah."

"Guess what? I'm a crazy cheesecake." ~Alex

"I had a polka-dot toga. And a tuxedo." ~Tracee

"Tracee: [on how a character in a movie can prove she loves her father] Well, she could say, 'I keep his picture on my nightstand, I think about him every day…'
Daniel: Fisch might have a picture of Philip Zimbardo on his nightstand, but that doesn't mean he loves him.
Mr. Fischer: If I had a picture of Philip Zimbardo on my nightstand, I'd have more problems than Ellie."

"There's only one letter difference between 'dick' and 'duck', and he's Donald 'Duck'!" ~Mme. Masterson

"Yeah, that's a good one. 'Henceforth I decree that the bus is late.'" ~Jon

"Marjorie: No, Fischer’s taking a personal day.
Mrs. Daley: I hope it’s a mental day.
Marjorie: Oh, like you and Schaffer did?
Mrs. Daley: That wasn’t mental, that was entertainment."

"We need all the students who are going on the drinking and driving field trip to report to the Medium Forum." ~Announcement over the intercom

"Mr. Fischer: I wouldn't trust these kids handling my…delicates.
Mr. Jones: That sounds really dirty.
Daniel: It does.
Mr. Fischer: It was meant to."

"There's a Castro in every classroom. Like a chicken in every pot." ~Tracee

"Curtis: [to Hoi Ming] You've, like, got Harry Potter in your closet...
Hoi Ming: That's disturbing."

"Tracee: If you read Harry Potter 5—
Danielle: And who would read that?!
Me: *raise my hand*"

"Do not give nuts to children under six. Satisfaction Guaranteed!" ~Marjorie, reading a pack of nuts

"Anna: We're just going to the…the…*makes sawing motion*
Mrs. Stein: Decapitation?"

"I’m not half as dumb as I actually…am." ~Richard

"Curtis: What if we start finding them all over the school?
Hoi Ming: Well, I keep them in my pocket, so unless someone steals my pants…"

"…And on the ninth day, the devil made the I.B. program." ~John

"If you have multiple personalities, can you adopt yourself?" ~Donna

"I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but in alphabetical order—like it should be." ~Jon

"If there is a small child sitting next to you, put your mask on first, then help the child with theirs. If there are two children next to you, decide which one you love more and help that one." ~Pre-flight lecture

"Once again, this is Flight 114 to Dallas-Fort Worth. If your travel plans tonight do not include Dallas, they do now." ~Flight attendant

"Please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened until we come to a complete stop, as I have never yet seen a passenger beat the plane to the terminal." ~Flight attendant

"I heard clicking, and I’m pretty sure it’s not reindeer!" ~Flight attendant

"Who cares? I like bologna!" ~David

"That would have defied the law of gravity and sent you plunging into the abyss to your death! Yaaaay, death!" ~Jon

"I cannot tell a DIE!!!!" ~Philip

"This is my friend Ian being eaten by a butterfly." ~Jon

"I am the poet laureate of piss. Except that I’m not, Granddad is." ~Aunt Erica

"I don’t like French Vanilla because it is made from French, and I don’t like French. French is not my favorite state. Unless it tastes good." ~Christopher

"*sings to the tune of Iron Man* I am Ice-Cream Man! Running all the kids over in my van…" ~Jon and Tennyson

"Daniel: That wasn’t a complete sentence. ‘I can’t talk…turtle.’
Tracee: With my! With my!!!"

"Marjorie: So, have you read any of this?
Tracee: Well, I’ve seen, like, words."

"Mme. Masterson: All right. Daniel, stop making fun of Danielle. Danielle, stop being so easy to make fun of. Anything else?
Daniel: Well, I’d kind of like a cookie."

"You could blow on it, too, Daniel. Just stick your head down there and *blows*." ~Tony
((He was talking about cooling down his chair...I hope, I hope, I hope...))

"Daniel: I don’t think many nuns teach nuclear physics.
Marjorie: That’d be an awesome nun!"

"The Government nun…" ~Mme. Masterson

"Fessi Poogle." ~Mme. Masterson
((The note was for Jessica Powell, but my teacher couldn't read the handwriting.))

"She poked my boob." ~Marjorie

"John, how many ovaries do you have?" ~Daniel

"Not like eating potato chips makes you a sexual being, I’m not going there…" ~Mrs. Stein

"Kempner: You said he came to power in 1928?
Mrs. Daley: Yes.
Kempner: But this says he died in 1925."

"I don’t wanna sing with Jesus!" ~Malika

"We can’t have a mental breakdown. We don’t have time to have a mental breakdown. If you have a mental breakdown, you waste valuable time when you could be working on the paper." ~Danielle

"Sometimes when I’m up at two in the morning, I think, ‘Please let me die!’" ~Angela

"If you can’t learn to procrastinate, you can’t get anywhere." ~Richard

"If I can’t motivate myself to do it, it must not be important." ~Richard

"You are the legendary fifth house, Ducttape." ~Jon to Cody on the subject of Hogwarts houses

"They know I’m easy. *class laughs* Why is that funny?" ~Mr. Fischer

"I suis on vacation." ~Mme. Masterson

"I can remember everything except how the Triscuits got into the laundry bag." ~Mom

"Mrs. Stein: I don’t know what they fed you at lunch…
Curtis: We don’t know either!"

"Charlie’s a mouse?!" ~Kayla and Emily in unison

"Well, this is Hell, and these are our flames and our chains and our person and our torture and our terror on all sides and our more torture and our souls crying out in pain, and it’s gated." ~Brittany

"Okay, we’ve voted. You’re officially a freak." ~Mrs. Daley to Robert

"I thought you said Douggie with a funny accent." ~Kristen
((Our French teacher had said it was a bad idea to sign a formal letter with something like Doogie.))

"Daniel: Four colonoscopies and what?
Calli: Two EEGs. They go down the other way."

"Inside someone’s colon it’s always gross." ~Calli

"Daniel: Where are my brownies?
Rachel: You don’t get brownies because you’re weird."

"The morals of the preceding story are:
*Don’t throw things at hungry bears…"
((This is from The Particle Adventure.))

"Me: Why would you pick green in the first place?
Mrs. Gates: Because yellow’s kind of a pansy color? I don’t know…"

"Let’s finish the hilation…" ~Tracee

"Words were meant to be made up." ~Tracee

"It says a live DJ. As opposed to a dead one?" ~Señora Vicenz

"Danielle: [on a drawing of the galaxy] It looks like a flower!
Me: Or a spider.
Richard: Or a dead octopus.
Danielle: No, the way she drew it—Richard!!!"

"King Queen Marjorie!" ~Sara

"I’ve been bisex…ed….I was going to say something else, but I was like, ‘That doesn’t mean what I want to say.’ I almost said ‘unisexual’, but that’s really not what I meant." ~Marjorie

"You’re so adorable! I hate you!" ~Danielle

"Taika:*pokes you with the point of a pitchfork*
Kiley: *pokes you with a spork* SPORK!
Taika: Didn't I blind you with a spork?
Kiley: Yes, let's bring that up again… :glare:
Taika: Did I mention I have to go now?
Kiley: No, not until you apologize for ruining my life with your spork."

"Tony! Your horse name is Happy Pants!" ~Marjorie

"There will always be a Happy Pants!" ~Daniel

"West Virginia isn’t a state, it’s an embarrassment." ~Marjorie

"I’m not talking to you, I’m talking at you." ~Danielle

"Stick figure sex!" ~Me

"There’s no fun in killing someone if they’re just going to die." ~Richard

"The biggest problem among teens is legal drug abuse—you know, alcohol, tobacco, OCD…" ~Jon

"Alex: Omigod, some's stuck in that car!
Malika: Oh, we should go help!
Me: Yes, in our chorus dresses…
Malika: Yeah, I can see that now, all of us standing out there in our dresses singing ‘Lift Thine Eyes’, and the person lifting out of the car and floating up…‘We lifted him up with our singing!’ And then God and Jesus come down to Earth, and I’ll be standing there…*stares upwards in amazement for a moment, then sings* Ching-a-ring-a-ring-ching-ching…
Alex: That just totally killed the mood."

"The Chief Engineer stopped by our morning quarters the other day to say a few encouraging things. I think that his message boiled down to the fact that our schedule is carved in Kool-aid because Jello is too rigid and restrictive." ~E-mail from Dad

"Man showers are deodorant. Got it." ~Julie

"Tom: I think I found fossilized otter poop!
Julie: Hang on, we'll all come over there and pee on it."

"I'm having baby cravings!" ~Kayla

"Shucky darns! I just wanted to say that." ~Marjorie

"Mme. Masterson: This one's for Calli. 'Your mother knows what you will need to succeed in life.'
Daniel: Pants."

"Man, I'd die if somebody tried to drown me." ~Curtis

"If your nipples itch, isn’t that a sign that your boobs are growing?" ~Curtis

"That’s it, you’re turning into a woman." ~Danielle

"Richard: Physics is, pretty much, either you know it, or, you don’t.
Angela: Mmm-hmm. And, we don’t, so…yeah."

"Jessica: No, look, see, it’s like, the one with the accent is hanging off a tree, and the other one doesn’t, so it’s like a wall.
Daniel: Yeah, but not if you think the accent looks like a roof.
John: I gotta go with Daniel, because walls have roofs.
Marjorie: But walls don’t necessarily have roofs.
Jessica: Yeah, the Berlin Wall didn’t.
John: But you can’t have a roof without walls. Not usually.
Jessica: *brief pause* It’s a tree.
Kristen: *raises her hand* Can I go to the bathroom?"

"You probably won’t find a lot of that, so to waste your time looking through long lists for that would be…a…waste of your time, and quite redundant…" ~Mrs. Stein

"Marjorie: That’s not funny!
Sara: I don’t think Daniel’s laughing because of the polar bears drowning. I think it’s because…uh…
Mr. Fischer: Daniel’s laughing because he’s an asshole.
Daniel: That’s probably true."

"Richard’s making inappropriate noises to me!" ~Danielle

"Why does it matter?! It’s just racism!" ~Daniel

"I misspelled Tony! Your name is now Tong." ~Mrs. Coreley

"Tony: *trying to open a Tootsie Pop* My thingy’s not coming off.
Daniel: Tony, I don’t think your thingy is supposed to come off.
Tony: It’s detachable."

"Stupid IB people! They try to confuse you and then they DO!" ~Anna

"Ohmigod, bubbles don’t break when they touch Nikolai! He’s a vampire!" ~Tatiana

"You do have my profound respect and admiration [for taking the IB tests]. I’ll never say that again, let’s move on." ~Mme. Masterson

"Great, we’re MSTing dead chickens." ~Me

"They’re Ramen connoisseurs." ~Pastor Bruce

"I was finished with cooking class and we were talking about, you know, this RPG Bronwyn and I do and her stories and what happened to all of her characters and *whips around and points at me* GOTH PEOPLE THINK YOU’RE SICK." ~Jon

"Well, you know, creepy Anime porn is creepy Anime porn." ~Emily

"Penis flower!" ~Emily DeSilva

"Yes, I have the Penis of Death." ~Andrew

"That is NOT my banana." ~Andrew

"Dick Button!" ~Andrew, Emily, Morgan, and me at various times over the course of the evening
((Apparently he was an ice-skater, but my friends and I found it amusing.))

"Avery, please give Riku nipples." ~Emily

"*shouts* Don’t touch the rubber thing!" ~Andrw

"If someone in this country bought livestock for their son to have sex with so he wouldn’t get a girl pregnant, wouldn’t they get arrested and probably have to undergo some kind of psychiatric evaluation?" ~Dr. Bollings

"Frau Wansink: Bronwyn, wie ist das Wetter? [What is the weather?]
Me: Es ist…[it is…]*freezes* Shhhhhhhhhhhhugar.
Frau Wansink: Gut! Es ist schon! [Good! It is nice out!]
Me: *blinks* Oh, uh, actually, I said ‘sugar’. I couldn’t think of the answer!"

"The Wion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe!" ~Frau Wansink

"I wanna have sex on the ceiling!" ~Morgan while watching Dracula 2000

"Someone in another room: *shouts* I don’t like boys!
Emily: *sings sort of quietly* La la la la…lesbian…"

"If God is with me, it will go through!" ~Michelle, trying to send a text message

"Dr. Clayton: All right, stand up, girls. Ladies. Uh, what do you want me to call you?
Bunny: Sexy."

"My dad doesn’t do gay guys." ~Morgan

"I can play ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ on a thingy-dood!" ~Morgan

"Lily says to tell you please to not be fucking with my muses." ~Me to Morgan

"Muses are like children nobody wants!" ~Morgan

"Mike: Isn’t it wrong to call them “janitors”? I mean, don’t they want to be called “custodians”?
Branden: “Custodial technicians”.
Mike: “Masters of the Custodial Arts”."

"I’m wet and unsatisfied! Where’s a man when I need one?!" ~Morgan

"Show us your best angry fish." ~Mrs. Legg

"I will not eat anything that smells like feet. Some kinds of cheese smell like feet. Therefore, there are some kinds of cheese I will not eat." ~Mrs. Legg's example of deductive reasoning

"Me: You mean the rest of the conversation ABOUT SEX didn’t make you think about sex?
Kayla: …No…"

"You can’t buy a new ass as cheap as I can buy a new knitting needle." ~Morgan

"Morgan: [reading aloud from her story] ‘“You hid my surprise in your room?”’
Emily: Whoa. I was totally not expecting ‘room’ to be at the end of that sentence. So sorry."

"The term 'serious actor' is kind of an oxymoron, isn't it? Like 'Republican party' or 'airplane food.'" ~Johnny Depp

"OK. Junk, I will attend in some sort of planned attire; however, I reserve the right to not look like a) Michael Jackson, b) Liberace, or c) Gred dressed as a pimp. Deal?" ~Eki, discussing plans for the Yule Ball with people determined to see him in a pink spangly tuxedo

"There’s book insanity, art insanity, music insanity, theater insanity, insanity on a stick…" ~Rachel

"When my mother got her first Social Security check, she wanted to send it back, because it’s ‘welfare’. And I’m just like, ‘Are you on crack?’" ~Dr. Landolt

"Frau Wansink: Ich stehe morgens um sechs uhr auf. [I get up at six o’clock in the morning.]
Dennan: Did you just say sex?"

"There’s a woman called Cynthia Enloe who writes analyses of the unpaid labor of women in military families, and not just officer’s wives, and not just deployed soldiers’ wives, but prostitutes. And, uh, uh, they are of course paid, but probably not as much as they should be, damn it." ~Dr. Landolt

"Rachel: The beeping was driving me CRAZY. Aren’t you happy now, Bronwyn? You don’t have to live with a crazy person!
Me: Well, actually, I do, but it’s not psychopathic-crazy, it’s just garden-variety-crazy."

"That needs to be an addition to the Evil Overlord List. ‘If the only thing that can kill it is a silver bullet, make a lot of silver bullets.’" ~Emily

"Why do they have all these stakes just lying around? Shouldn’t they know better by now?" ~Susanna on Count Dracula and his Vampire Brides

"You are dangerously close to getting stapled to the wall. Just so you know." ~Tammy to Eddie

"And ‘clitoral’. It doesn’t matter if you spell that wrong. As long as you know where it is, right?" ~Dr. Landolt

"One of the things these women do is knitting. You know, knitting while you’re watching the kids, knitting while you’re churning butter, whatever…" ~Dr. Landolt

"Boob fuzz is not attractive." ~Morgan

"I’m not ‘oh my God’ tall. I’m ‘oh my freaking God’ tall, which is a difference of six inches." ~Mark

"That’s the stop that you may have heard at funerals that sounds like the dead has risen up and is singing to you." ~Ms. Peggy

"Why do they call it ‘Tourist Season’ if you aren’t allowed to shoot them?" ~Nano_Bot

"Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex." ~lullaby_lj

"And finally you’re like, ‘Okay, if you don’t shut up, I’m going to tase you and put it on YouTube.’" ~Joel

"This hot chocolate is like…like sex-in-a-bottle. Only it’s not in a bottle, and I’ve never had sex." ~Kathrine

"Andrew Page has the ability to walk into a room and immediately fill it with awkward….Somebody open a window and let the awkward out." ~Michael

"All roads lead back to Owen." ~Pam

"Words my teachers need to stop saying. Am I right?" ~Emily
((Our Vampire Lit teacher kept saying "vulva".))

"Morgan: Ha! Now I skippeth thee!
Me: Except you aren’t the one who played the card…
Morgan: You are skippethed nonetheless."

"Excuse me, I believe you’re holding my spleen. I’d like it back, please." ~wilibald

"Well, that’s a bit ‘rich’ coming from the judge who doesn’t even know his nuts." ~Anne on The Weakest Link

"Justin: What happened to your Hitler mustache?
Caitlyn: Oh, it’s okay, I’ve got a whole roll of it."

“10. I believe in Hogwarts. I BELIEVE IT EXISTS!
9. I think teamwork is great, as long as I don't have to do it.
8. If a tree falls down in the forest, and it hits a Hufflepuff, does anybody care?
7. When speaking, using words is helpful.
6. There is salad in my underwear.
5. Well, you know what they say: Sometimes you kick the tree, and sometimes the tree jumps over the hedgehog.
4. DON'T
3. In the words of the great political thinker Socrates, "Hello. My name is Socrates."
2. PANIC
1. Life looks better through a cookie, because a cookie doesn't have any holes, so all you see is a cookie!” ~Dawlish's Words of Wisdom

"When all else fails, go with this: AND THEN THE NINJAS DROPPED DOWN FROM THE CEILING!" ~Auds

"And the LORD spake unto them saying, “THOU SHALT NOT milk, butter, eggs…" ~Jon

"Opus has left the building." ~Mom

“Veni, vidi, Velcro—I came, I saw, I stuck around.” ~Mom

"Veni, vidi, vespers—I came, I saw, I slept." ~Me

"Veni, vidi, vamoose—I came, I saw, I left." ~Me

"Veni, vidi, broke a hip." ~Jon

"Jon: Stupid Japanese and their stupid futons!
Me: Uh...I think futons are French.
Jon: *brief pause* Goddammit!"
((Yes, I know they really are Japanese. Shut up.))

"This is sort of to give you an example of how messy a lab can be and how you can torture endangered species." ~Dr. Bartol

"Morgan: Terry, are you having fun?
Terry: No. If I was having fun, you wouldn’t be able to see the banana."

"I still think coloring books are the eighth deadly sin." ~Me

"I think commas should be voted off the grammar island." ~Morgan

"Okay, did a comma, like, kill your puppy or something?" ~Emily

"Dr. Clayton: You don’t have to leave your brain outside the door when you come to choir class, you know. You’re allowed to bring it inside and USE IT!!!
Terry: It makes a good footstool."

"Most animals have a specific pH they can live in, marine animals are no example. *long pause* Wait…" ~Dr. Bartol

"There are two things that--whoa, I held up three fingers there--" ~Dr. Bartol

"When Beowulf defeats the monster, what does he get? Not sex with the king, obviously…" ~Dr. Hall

"Dr. Clayton: ‘Rejoice and Be Merry.’
Terry: If you insist."

"Morgan: *to her easel* Boy, you’re a heavy girl, aren’t you?
Me: *jokingly* Thank you!
Morgan: Not this, you."

"Hastings: Okay, guys, here are the rules. Number one rule is: Don’t die.
Jon: Yeah, because you don’t want to do any more paperwork.
Hastings: That’s rule number three: No more paperwork.
Cody: What’s rule number two?
Hastings: We’ll get to that later."

"Rule number 1: Don’t die.
Rule number 2: Don’t drink and drive.
Rule number 3: No more paperwork.
Rule number 4: Don’t be an ass.
Rule number 5: Never forget rule number five." ~Hastings's rules for whitewater rafting

"Kermit: Sam, Elton John is a great musician.
Sam the Eagle: Then why does he dress like a stolen car?"

"Anybody else want to write the International Olympics Committee and suggest that leaping to conclusions be made an Olympic event?" ~Naldru

"But it’s okay--I have Batman!" ~Christian

"Dotti: Do you deliberately buy thinner books so you can fit them in your back pocket?
Me: No, I just buy bigger pockets."

"Please don’t seduce my doorframe." ~Me

"We’ve learned that ‘90s graphics plus High-Def equals no." ~Jon

"It’s raining, it’s pouring, that ride was fricking boring…" ~Me singing as I got off the bus today

"A-tisket, a-tasket, a condom or a casket." ~Ominous warning on an AIDS awareness wall in the hall near my dorm

"It’s a good day to be a soprano." ~Pat

"That’s my door, dammit!" ~Natalie on Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

"Alcohol was the crack cocaine of the American frontier." ~Dr. Margolies

"If God had wanted you to take charge of your own affairs, He would have given you a penis." ~Dr. Hall

"You need to open your book, unless you have perfected your x-ray vision. I have, but I still open my book so as not to upset mortals…" ~Dr. Margolies

"They have this giant battle, killing each other to death…" ~Dr. Hall

"The reason we have the freedom to eat Lucky Charms and Fruit Loops is because of the Constitution." ~Dr. Margolies, trying to get us back on task

"David: There are people in this room older than I am.
Sarah: By a good five centuries."

"You can't see words, but I ain't stopped talking since I got on this bus!" ~Man on the 15 bus who treated me to a sermon on the way to bowling

"He says, ‘Man, I really like it when these women would come into my bedroom and get naked.’ And then in the second stanza he’s like, ‘I remember this one time she came in and she took off her nightgown…’ And then in the third stanza he’s like, ‘But then she wouldn’t do it again, the bitch, and I don’t like that part.’ And that’s my summary of the poem." ~Dr. Hall

"It’s Saturday night. Off with the clothes." ~Dr. Hall

"It is a plethora of pianos." ~Terry

"Chocolate comes from the coconut!" - My brother. He was trying to intelligently inform us of his amazing knowledge that chocolate comes from the cocoa bean. He amazed us with his amazing word fart instead.

"I like knives." - Also my brother.

"*grumble grumble* ...thin mints... *grumble grumble* ...cheese grater..." - Again, my brother. Funnier out of context.

hahaha some of these are pretty funny, the one thing I will always remember was two sisters in the same group as mine on our Greece and Italy trip.

"Hey look European pigeons!" Sister 1

"Cool! Do you think they coo in European?" Sister 2

This is where you insert my hand and my face colliding together.

YAY FORUMS! >:D

Me: "Cute is not a colour, therefore they are not cute."

Brother: "Giant mutant star goat."
Me: "...I beg your pardon?"

Sister: "I could tuck it into my shorts if I wanted."
Me: "I could tuck mine under my bra strap if I wanted."
(We were talking about our hair.)

Me: "Though I suppose you don't generally stuff turkeys with nachos."

Brother: "Look at my tentacle!"
(Not nearly as dirty as it sounds.)

Me: "Feed me, feed me! No, that's wrong. Drink me, drink me! No, not right either. Fill me, fill me! Oh, yes, whoo!"
(I was talking about my cup. Swear. xDD I said it in falsetto, too.)

Me: "And now it's a volcano that spews bowling pins."

Brother: "It's like marshmallow fluff: it burns."

Me: "Wheee! I feel like a schoolgirl!"

Me: "There are horseshoes in that bathroom."

Brother: "Death by toenail!"
Me: "...That's not a toenail."

Brother: "He's a Weasley."
(This deserves a spot simply because he was talking about Reno Sinclair of Final Fantasy VII. My reaction was rather "Oh my god" filled, and included the observation that he and the Weasley twins would get along WAYYY too well.)

Brother: "Yoda...is a Yoshi."

I'm sure I have more somewhere. >:D

My friend's 8 year old son: "Well, I can't have babies unless I'm gay."

His father stood in stunned silence and I couldn't stop laughing... We're still not sure how he was under the impression that only men can have babies... Especially since he has a younger brother XD