There are always some things in any novel that require context, and a lot of it. I have a few of those, things that're only funny if you've read the entire page or the last few pages or the entire book or if you know the characters involved. I'm looking more for little brief snippets that'll give me a grin. We could all use one as the dreaded Week Two looms on the horizon. So how 'bout it? Tickle our funny bones!
Here's a bit from my story that makes me grin, anyway:
Unfortunately, Soccer Mom hadn’t signed up for my mailing list, but I did have her full name. Based on that, ten minutes later I also had her address, her phone number, and directions to her front door.
You know what’s really creepy? Google. And I’m saying that as someone who was beginning to suspect she’d sold a cursed item to a suburbanite.
----------
35,538 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 15 35
Duden, who had been shifting his bony rump about as if to make the large rock he sat upon less lumpy and rock-like, stood suddenly and turned his makeshift seat over with a grunt, and before any of us desert-bred could shout the warning on all our lips. You do NOT want to know what lives on the underside of desert rocks. There is always a surprise, and it is seldom pleasant.
----------This rock did not disappoint. The idiot had disturbed a nest of churra spiders. The little ones, a few hands’ worth at least, scuttled to get back under their upturned home; the big one went for Duden.
If you have never had the pleasure of meeting a churra spider, name yourself lucky. I do not think they are actually spiders—most spiders I know have eight legs, where these have ten or more—nor do I care to know their true nature. They are hideous creatures whose only purpose is to plague and horrify. They are the exact color of whatever sand they live in, range in size from thumb-tip to twice the span of a large man’s hands, they are venomous and poisonous (or so I’ve heard, never having been desperate enough to try and eat one myself) and they eat meat. First they grab you with their horrible spindly spiked legs, then they clamp onto you with sawing mandibles as long as your finger, then they spit into your flesh, which will almost always become terribly infected, necessitating painful debriding and cauterizing of the tainted meat. The venom is not enough to kill a human, and among all the horrors the Zeera has to offer the churra spider should perhaps rank among the least dangerous, but the fright and horror of the things is generally enough to send the strongest warrior shrieking into the desert.
My warriors were no exception.
Duden screamed and flailed and jerked about as if he had been set afire; every hard-bitten and blooded warrior scrambled away from the campfire swearing and yelling and swatting as if covered in the things. Ruhila threw a hysterical fit and hid behind Ismeel, who drew his short, curved sword and stood as if to defend her with the last blood in his body. My cats hissed, the churrim brayed, and the horses scattered to the four winds, snorting and screaming into their nosebags and tripping over catch-ropes.
I, the bold and bloodslinging leader, drew as far away from the thing as I could and still be within throwing range, and I drew my knife, and my breath, took aim and shuddered…
The small girl-child walked nonchalantly into the danger zone, picked up a heavy pan from the fire’s perimeter, hefted it once as if judging its weight, swung in a two-handed arc over her head, and squashed the thing. She pulled back, watched dispassionately as the horrid creature jerked and spasmed, then hit it again for good measure.
It has been said that in the Zeera, we will celebrate anything short of death. Obviously anyone who believes this has never been to a bug’s funeral.
37,186 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 15 39
“So let me get this straight,” Michele said. “Michael and Ariel were out playing – without one of the hounds or cats or anything – saw that the milk from one of the bowls was gone, decided to track it, found some kind of dog that disappeared into thin air, and then ran into a butterfly that left gold sparkles in Michael's hair. But then you found out that the tracks were physically impossible, the dog can't be found, and apparently there are matching invisible sparkles on your hand?”
“Well,” Breeann said. “According to Rána, anyways.”
“Right, sorry, I'd forgotten the part where our *three-year-old daughter* wandered off to a waterfall without *any* kind of supervision and found a *mythological demon* that wanted to *eat* her, thanks for reminding me.” Michele looked between Breeann and Spencer. “Seriously, can't I be gone for three days, you two?”
---Michael and Ariel are 5-year-old twins.
45,260 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 15 55
"I was hoping with all of my mite for a chance that evening, since Saturdays were laundry day at the McKinnley house. Dad was putting the second to last load into the laundry. Mom was in the living room, watching bad television and just generally unwinding from another hectic week of splicing genomes or whatever the heck she actually did for a living. And Donald and I were fighting over a chicken in the kitchen.
“We have had pasta every other night this week!” I shouted at him, yanking the thawed chicken towards me with all of my strength, intending to baste it with whatever Emeril told me to this week. “It’s like the only thing you know how to cook!”
He pulled the chicken towards him in a rough movement. “Chicken primavera is different!” He yelled back. “And I will have you know, I got an A+ in my home economics class!”
“Yeah, it’s got lasagna instead of Alfredo.” I rolled my eyes at him. “And I think it’s great you can sew a rip in your dress and know how to repair your pantyhose after you rip them. I am so very proud of you, Ginger. But, I am making Chicken Cordon Bleu and none of your fancy high school accreditation are going to stop me!” I yanked the chicken back my way."
Housemates fighting over a chicken. I don't know where it came from, but I love it. XD
----------"Nailing a live octopus to a wall is impossible. Everything else is merely difficult." -Simon R. Green
38,114 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 16 00
Hades was starting to nod off to sleep somewhere during the middle of the VP’s speech when someone gave a shriek, causing him to snap his head up and look around for the source. Professor Aphrodite was standing up in her chair off to the side of the room, staring down at the floor in fright and it took only a moment for the student body to realize what was going on and follow suit.
Snakes. Someone had let snakes into the auditorium.
Grabbing hold of his brother, Hades swore under his breath as he scrambled to pull his legs up. If the situation weren’t so serious, he would have been laughing at the fact that Adonis screamed like a girl. The snakes slithered along the floor underneath the seats, raising their heads to hiss and snap at people who weren’t already standing on their seats. A particularly large boa constrictor was making its way down the aisle, its massive form visible even from the middle of the row.
“Wheeeeee~!”
“That’s not…oh sweet mother of Chaos.” Hades placed a hand to his face, peeking out from between his fingers to see Loki riding the constrictor like it was a Pegasus, cowboy hat and all. The fact that there was a mass of people on their seats didn’t seem to bother his roommate as the boa made its way to the front of the auditorium. All of a sudden, Hades wanted to sink into the floor and just let the snakes bite him. Who knows? Enough venom might be able to kill a trainee God.
----------http://cupcake_writer.livejournal.com
2009: Welcome to Hell. A novel about Gods in high school.
2010: Thermals (tentaitive title). Steampunk. High adventure/fantasy of an all-female crew of airship pirates.
79,507 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 16 22
Snakes. Someone had let snakes into the auditorium.
Grabbing hold of his brother, Hades swore under his breath as he scrambled to pull his legs up. If the situation weren’t so serious, he would have been laughing at the fact that Adonis screamed like a girl. The snakes slithered along the floor underneath the seats, raising their heads to hiss and snap at people who weren’t already standing on their seats. A particularly large boa constrictor was making its way down the aisle, its massive form visible even from the middle of the row.
“Wheeeeee~!”
“That’s not…oh sweet mother of Chaos.” Hades placed a hand to his face, peeking out from between his fingers to see Loki riding the constrictor like it was a Pegasus, cowboy hat and all. The fact that there was a mass of people on their seats didn’t seem to bother his roommate as the boa made its way to the front of the auditorium. All of a sudden, Hades wanted to sink into the floor and just let the snakes bite him. Who knows? Enough venom might be able to kill a trainee God.
This made me LOL. Good job.
4,945 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 16 58
I don't know if it would be funny to anyone else, but this is one of the most amusing parts in my story to me so far.
Stephen was nearing his breaking point too, but not the same point his friend had reached just minutes ago. Demitry had been frustrated, Stephen was just trying to hold back laughter. “Seriously, Demitry, you need to just not move for a change. First you put your hands on your hips, and now you do some funny looking dance. How much more gay could you act?”
Stephen may have entertained himself with that joke, but the feeling was definitely not shared with Daphne. “Did you honestly think that was funny?” she asked.
44,154 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 17 40
Smirking, Paul pulled a mirror off the shelf and handed it to Specter. She took it and examined her new face in the mirror carefully. Her hair was a dark, Asian brown, and her left eye was a couple of shades lighter. She could see her Chinese heritage in the shape of her nose as well, though her skin was paler than Paul’s, and her face was more angled. Then she took another look at her eyes, and frowned.
----------“Is one of my eyes blue?”
Paul nodded.
“it’s called Heterochromia, you got it from mom. She’s got a blue eye and a green one, it’s pretty neat.” He explained, moving to grab a stuffed animal from the shelf, handing it to her with mock seriousness.
“This is Bumblebee.”
“He’s a bear.”
“Try telling that to a two year old.”
Nanowrimo 2009- Beyond Lost: Because in a dreamworld, ninjas attacking actually IS viable.
33,000 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 17 51
The man at the desk looked up, peering over the top of his glasses. “Welcome to the Underworld. Are you dead, or visiting?”
----------Amanda cleared her throat. “Uh, visiting.”
He nodded, and returned to looking at his crossword.
“Vhat’s it like here?”
Sighing in an annoyed way, the man set his crossword puzzle down. “Dreary. Slightly boring. Full of batshit insane ghosts. Or at least, this part is. Why did I get stuck guarding these loons?”
Off in the distance, yelling could be heard. As it slowly got louder, the group could make out something like, “They took Earl! They took him and his wife to the circus! Now he’ll never eat his spaghetti!” Soon, a man wearing a toga, covered by an off-kilter, bright green-and-yellow tutu ran past, backwards, waving his arms behind him like a jellyfish. Then he began singing the name Earl in a rather beautiful manner.
That is, beautiful considering the circumstances.
“Kevin,” barked the man at the desk, rotating to face the spectre. “Earl is imaginary. You do NOT have a pet platypus! Moreover, even if you did, his wife would NOT be an eraser with a happy face drawn on it!”
“Earl is not an amputee! DON’T JUDGE HIM!”
Turning back to the group, the man stared at them with pleading eyes. “See what I put up with?” He then rubbed his forehead, and continued, “What the hell, does every version of this town have an insane asylum that everyone attends?”
“Vell, actually…”
“Oh god, no. I don’t want to hear it.”
Kevin backwards-somersaulted past them, begging Earl to come back before the tissue box back at his house decided to kill him.
“And why is this crossword so impossible?”
Seren took the puzzle and stared at it blankly. “Twelve letter word for onomatopoeia.”
“See what I mean?” His head fell back, and he sighed noisily. “Changing the subject from my slow decent toward insanity because of this God-forsaken place—why are you even here?”
“Lookin’ fer ‘dventure.”
He snickered. “Yeah. The only adventure you’ll find here is an adventure full of bat-shit insane dead guys and a constant annoyance that it never rains and the sun never comes out.”
“There’s a sun in the Underworld?”
“It’s probably just some douche bag with a lamp.”
They decided it was best not to question this.
Kevin was busy surfing a vending machine down the street, singing opera and waving around a bottle of paste.
“Not zat zis isn’t a blast or anyzing…”
“I understand. Just bring me back a Gameboy or something. Something to do other than this bullshit.” He hit the puzzle with a slight sense of spousal abuse.
“Whadda we get in r’turn?”
“My eternal gratitude?” He sighed. “I’m sure I can think of something by the time you get back. Not much else to think about.”
Ryan nodded, then said, “Let’s go to that world slightly like Middle Earth.”
The man at the desk pulled at his hair. “That sounds like so much fun,” he whined.
“I enjoy the presence of human-sized candy corn,” Kevin stated as he walked past on his hands.
“Onward!” Mercury shouted.
Mental breakdowns/Bouts of insanity: 8
Coffee: 3 cups
Mountain Dew: 4.5 liters
Sleep missed: 14 hrs
Meals missed: 8
Homework assignments ignored: 12
Times I've used the excuse "but I'm writing a novel" to try to get out of something: 15
12,135 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 18 14
Its not a full excerpt since, well...the scene itself isn't funny, but the lines, taken out of context, are (in my opinion):
As he came to the stairs, his right foot almost touching the stair, he paused and retracted his foot, thinking of something.
“You don't mind that I use my...your...water closet, do you?” Azure asked. He needed to clean up dearly.
“No, not at all.” Rento said, watching from his table as Azure ducked into the small room and closed the door behind him.
---------------------------
NaNoWriMo '08 - Into the Valley of Death 27,000
NaNoWriMo '09 - Who knows?
35,093 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 18 22
"My REEs are in October," said Liam.
“Your Requisitial Esthemmaren Examinations! Well, then. I shall arrange for you to have intensive study for a month with your old instructor, what was his name – "
“Joelon Myller, but, mother, he may be a bit difficult to reach, as he’s – "
“Oh, nonsense, I can contact anybody, Aimor,” Mrs. Landon laughed, with an airy flick of her hand.
“No, I mean he may be a bit difficult to reach because he’s died, mother.”
****
And I also quite like this one:
“I can call Maery Emory Maerelsa if I want,” Eilanya said defiantly. “What’s wrong with it?”
Hartham gave a barely audible snicker. “It sounds gross, that’s why. It makes it sound like you and Maerslynn Emory are fu – “
“Don’t,” Liam interrupted.
“ – fond of each other,” Hartham finished, with an evil little grin.
50,155 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 18 54
This is the funniest bit I've written (at least I thought it was funny):
Ilona stood up on the deck and lifted her voice so that everyone could hear her. “Prepare to set sail,” she said. “We make for the city of Aurora.”
The crew members cheered in delight, for they knew that Aurora was one of the more enjoyable ports of call than most.
“And get the boat moving quickly,” she ordered.
“Ah,” said Rune. “Why don’t you just magic up a wind to fill the sails? I know you can do that.” He was drunk and obviously so. Ilona tried to ignore him, but the wretched man went on to say in a loud voice, “Why don’t you just make the boat fly, and we’ll get to port in no time then?”
A flying ship? What in the name of the eight elves was he drinking?
Ilona created a whirlwind that picked him up into the air and sent him flying up high above the water. “I suppose I could make something fly,” she said, “but maintaining it for very long might prove difficult.”
She let go of the magic and he plummeted through the air, his arms and legs waving, and a long drawn out yell filling the air. He landed with a barely audible thump on the ground beside the river.
The crew cringed at the sight.
“Back to work, you lazy dogs,” bellowed Ilona, and then she made her way into her cabin.
----------"What you create doesn’t have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don’t let fear of failure discourage you." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf
5,887 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 19 15
Snakes. Someone had let snakes into the auditorium.
Grabbing hold of his brother, Hades swore under his breath as he scrambled to pull his legs up. If the situation weren’t so serious, he would have been laughing at the fact that Adonis screamed like a girl. The snakes slithered along the floor underneath the seats, raising their heads to hiss and snap at people who weren’t already standing on their seats. A particularly large boa constrictor was making its way down the aisle, its massive form visible even from the middle of the row.
“Wheeeeee~!”
“That’s not…oh sweet mother of Chaos.” Hades placed a hand to his face, peeking out from between his fingers to see Loki riding the constrictor like it was a Pegasus, cowboy hat and all. The fact that there was a mass of people on their seats didn’t seem to bother his roommate as the boa made its way to the front of the auditorium. All of a sudden, Hades wanted to sink into the floor and just let the snakes bite him. Who knows? Enough venom might be able to kill a trainee God.
Cute! I like.
----------check it out at
http://bibliothecadiscordia.wordpress.com/
5,887 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 19 17
“Your Requisitial Esthemmaren Examinations! Well, then. I shall arrange for you to have intensive study for a month with your old instructor, what was his name – "
“Joelon Myller, but, mother, he may be a bit difficult to reach, as he’s – "
“Oh, nonsense, I can contact anybody, Aimor,” Mrs. Landon laughed, with an airy flick of her hand.
“No, I mean he may be a bit difficult to reach because he’s died, mother.”
I laughed so hard at that one. :)
----------check it out at
http://bibliothecadiscordia.wordpress.com/
80,013 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 21 59
"Sometimes, I think the elves just through in the extra syllables to see who's still paying attention."
Most of what I write needs some context to be funny. I'm working on that.
----------The morale of the story is Never Put Your Weapon Down!!!
36,660 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 22 16
“I’m perfectly capable of finding a girl on my own, Maru.” Tristan replied, lifting his head in indignation.
“Staring at a girl’s bosom like you’re some dog in heat isn’t the best way to get a woman in your bed, Tris.”
“I wasn’t!” By now, Tristan’s blush had spread from his cheeks to his entire face, giving him the same color as a tomato.
“Perhaps it’s not a girl you want.” Maru draped an arm over Tristan’s shoulder, and Cera noted how her brother tried to shift away, “Perhaps you simply cannot forget that one night we shared and will now forever prefer the company of a man.”
----------34,016 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 22 21
A few bits, though maybe they need to be in context to be funny.
"Had she done any sinning recently? Angels were supposed to take offense at that sort of thing, right? Was it a sin to eat nothing but Oreos for a week? Probably."
"Shouldn't you take those matches away from him?"
"Why? They make him happy."
"So? Licking windows makes Tom happy, and you don't let him do that."
"Penemue was one of those people who had gotten in touch with their natural side and found it to be unsanitary. It was his humble opinion that nature was unseemly and should be considered a threat to all things logical, mathmatical and not covered in fur."
"Pen was about to comment on how snow was just another way mother nature displayed her insuppressible hatred against all sentient beings, him specifically, when the snowball hit him squarely in the face."
----------12,838 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 22 29
The only funny part so far (also the most recently written...hopefully there will be more later, this is supposed to be a fun novel!):
Vyne turned again and walked out of the room. Reed was waiting not far outside, and looked up as the door opened. “Well, I guess you’re stuck with me today, then,” he said as they walked towards the stairs.
"I was under the impression you just have to let me sleep with you – in your house, I mean,” Vyne said quickly.
"I dunno. She said you’re my ‘responsibility.’ If I let you wander around on your own you might get killed or something.”
"Does that happen often?”
"Well,” Reed said, pushing open the door to the outside, “this is Pirate country. And considering what happened this morning, unless you have a ton of money you plan on spending your safety’s not exactly guaranteed. And even then someone might just take it from you. And then kill you.”
41,380 / 50,000
nov. 5, 2009 - 23 06
“I don’t think … I’ve ever … seen anything … like this!” Anhelia said around her hand and around held-in gusts of laughter. “Look at it! I’m not sure exactly what they intend this to be …”
“I just asked for their nicest room, I swear!” responded Soot. “Not … someone’s idea of a Tefenin whorehouse, or whatever this is!” If she had eyes to see, they would have been dancing with laughter, Anhelia was sure.
Pretending to be shocked, Anhelia asked, “Is that what you take me for, woman? Just some dockside whore you can take to a room like this? Hah!”
Soot playfully touched her index finger to Anhelia’s pale lips. “I certainly do!” she exclaimed, putting on a pompous, entitled tone of voice. “And if you don’t put out and do what I want, I’m going to put you back in your box and return you to the store I bought you at!”
Anhelia pushed out her tongue and licked the fingertip on her lips.
(Soot's last sentence requires a touch of explanation. She and her crew found Anhelia in a crystal coffin half-buried on a beach, in a state of hibernation, thus the "back in your box")
51,009 / 50,000
nov. 6, 2009 - 01 27
That's the first one I found.
----------NaNoWriMo '09: The Path to Eden (51 009/50 000)
Icon by a_minor_third at LiveJournal
50,922 / 50,000
nov. 6, 2009 - 01 39
Unfortunately, most of them are hilarious in context. Ah well.
Chapter Two
In which illegal activities are pursued with the very best intentions.
Maxwell Gallows was in the habit of seeing people with labels above their heads.
His butcher and grocer at home, for instance, had had the label 'food source' hovering over them. His wife had had several labels before she'd died, including, 'bed companion', 'house cleaner', and 'constant source of irritation'. Uriel had been given the high honor of 'living calculator / ongoing experiment / baggage service'.
Miss Soarin's position was still pending, but as present Maxwell had given her the tentative title of 'Map*', beneath which the footnote read, * Violent - Not to be touched.
http://elizawyatt.net
http://elizaw.wordpress.com
34,400 / 50,000
nov. 6, 2009 - 03 51
Snakes. Someone had let snakes into the auditorium.
Grabbing hold of his brother, Hades swore under his breath as he scrambled to pull his legs up. If the situation weren’t so serious, he would have been laughing at the fact that Adonis screamed like a girl. The snakes slithered along the floor underneath the seats, raising their heads to hiss and snap at people who weren’t already standing on their seats. A particularly large boa constrictor was making its way down the aisle, its massive form visible even from the middle of the row.
“Wheeeeee~!”
“That’s not…oh sweet mother of Chaos.” Hades placed a hand to his face, peeking out from between his fingers to see Loki riding the constrictor like it was a Pegasus, cowboy hat and all. The fact that there was a mass of people on their seats didn’t seem to bother his roommate as the boa made its way to the front of the auditorium. All of a sudden, Hades wanted to sink into the floor and just let the snakes bite him. Who knows? Enough venom might be able to kill a trainee God.
This is my favourite so far!
50,081 / 50,000
nov. 6, 2009 - 05 04
"Had she done any sinning recently? Angels were supposed to take offense at that sort of thing, right? Was it a sin to eat nothing but Oreos for a week? Probably."
"Shouldn't you take those matches away from him?"
"Why? They make him happy."
"So? Licking windows makes Tom happy, and you don't let him do that."
"Penemue was one of those people who had gotten in touch with their natural side and found it to be unsanitary. It was his humble opinion that nature was unseemly and should be considered a threat to all things logical, mathmatical and not covered in fur."
"Pen was about to comment on how snow was just another way mother nature displayed her insuppressible hatred against all sentient beings, him specifically, when the snowball hit him squarely in the face."
I *heart* all of these. Mostly 'cause they sound like things I'd write. :D
----------9,400 / 50,000
nov. 6, 2009 - 05 06
(The first one had me laughing for hours)
"William blinked. He had actually been referring to the fact that the vampire could clearly go out into the sunlight without suffering some sort of allergic reaction to it. Obviously, Twilight had lied."
(Then this one)
William watched with tense shoulders as the alligator rolled its large green head and tilted it to the side so his beady black eyes were gazing upon him.
He turned and pounded on the door even harder. “Dontel!” He screamed not caring about anyone else who could have heard him, “Dontel!”
The large oak doors swung open harshly and a panting, soaking Dontel came racing through the door way clad in only a towel into the spacious halls. “Will, Will are you okay!”
William stopped for a moment to stare at nearly naked and dripping wet figure, then cast a inquisitive look at the alligator. Finally he said, “I think I’d rather take my chances with the alligator.”
----------"Difference between reality and fiction? Fiction makes more sense."
38,352 / 50,000
nov. 6, 2009 - 05 17
Comedy is a thing my writing lacks. However this just kind of happened.
Yagun is a wizard we have not heard from in over two chapters. Last we knew he was running after a wagon with a strong magical aura.
Yagun was in over his head now. Ten centimeters over his head, and he would need to breathe soon.
----------My novel's little corner
Toying with widgets!
37,722 / 50,000
nov. 6, 2009 - 05 36
So far, the funny is mostly coming from my dear skypirate captain. He's an eccentric one. And the only character he's done much interacting with up to this point is the extremely straight-laced first mate. Foils ftw.
In the course of their first meeting:
"Ah - perhaps I'm being rude," he remarked, interrupting himself with a chuckle. "I've introduced you to my ship, but I seem to have skipped over a rather important bit of manners. My name's Lee. Captain Asher Lee, to put a finer point on it. At your service."
This Asher fellow, it seemed, had no shortage of things to say. It had him a bit mystified. "...Jensen," he replied, giving the man a curt handshake.
"You're not Nordic, are you?"
Jensen blinked. "What?"
"You know," Asher clarified. "Those very chilly countries with all the, what d'you call them, fjords."
"I'm English," he answered slowly, wondering if perhaps the young man was a little insane.
"Oh, all right. It's simply that I met a fellow from up there once - although I believe he was a Jansson, now that I think back. Well. I'd have complimented you on your excellent grasp of the language, but that seems rather superfluous now," he conceded with a smile. "I should have known. Your hair's much too dark for a Norseman."
Jensen was at a loss for words.
And (years) later, having run up against some Navy fellows who've heard of their exploits...
Jensen knew the answer to that one. He wished he didn't. "We told them, captain."
Asher twisted around to face him, plainly curious. "We did?"
"You did." Jensen's memory of the whole incident was clear enough - clearer, at least, than Asher's seemed to be. He almost envied the captain his ignorance right then.
"Why on Earth," Asher asked simply, "did I do that?"
"You wanted them to remember who we were," Jensen sighed. "In fact, I think you explicitly suggested that they go back and tell their superiors what a fine and daring crew we were. Or something."
"That does sound like something I'd say," Asher admitted with a thoughtful little half-nod. "Yes...that's right, the Kensington. I remember now. You know, in my defense, it seemed like a perfectly fine idea at the time."
"I hope you're at least re-evaluating that theory now."
"Very much so, yes."
"When the hero develops this sort of arrogance, it always ends dreadfully. Look at Icarus. Fellow with the wings, have you read that one?"
"I think so."
"That is precisely where we find ourselves now."
4,175 / 50,000
nov. 6, 2009 - 06 16
I have a few that I find mildly humorous:
"My life would be changing forever in under an hour and I had spent most of my last day on my Wii (teenage boy here. I needed only the essentials of course)."
"Weirded out? I was too. My pedo alarm had been sounding at full blast actually."
"Pause (again).
Just as a side-note, I may be over-dramatizing a little. He may not have been that creepy. You know with all the smiling and holding me down and all that. In fact, none of what I said starting from “The class went by quickly” actually happened. I just wanted to make it more interesting. I apologize. I'll continue with the actual events. Promise I won't interrupt again.
Play."
"I was a 5'7 scrawny redhead with a prissy name. I wasn't about to try and fight off 6 feet of tan, toned Spaniard. Screaming was my only option."
I eyed him closely. He re-situated his weight on my back, cleared his throat and began a well-practiced speech he had obviously delivered before, “In this world, there are three forms of magic. There is elemental magic, which is fire, wind, water, etc.”
“Can I be an earth bender?” Sarcasm seemed to be oblivious to danger.
~Composition~
"Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts. And never hope more than you work."
Rita Mae Brown
15,291 / 50,000
nov. 6, 2009 - 06 53
This had me giggling during my write in last night:
Marlin brushed past the three of them and into the Inn, Kara followed quickly as a group of young girls had gathered at the end of the walk and were beginning to stare and giggle. Darrian nodded politely to them, following her inside. Edric gave them a big grin and started to swagger their way, when Darrian grabbed his shoulder and pulled him inside.
“We don't want a repeat of last time, do we,” Darrian said.
Edric shook off his friend's hand and protested, “Hey now. How was I supposed to know that she was married. She never said a word about a husband and she seemed perfectly willing anyway. It's not my fault that half way through that she remembered that she was married and that was only because her husband was banging on the door wanting to know why it was locked.”
Darrian rolled his eyes, “ You were lucky that you made it out of there with all of your skin, let alone your clothes, anyway that little venture of yours caused us a month delay just to make sure that the girl didn't turn up pregnant, if she had we would likely have had to wait another year to find out whether it was yours or not.”
Edric held his hands out in front of him and shook his head, “I wouldn't have got her pregnant, I am ALWAYS careful. Besides, we have a wizard with us this time, we'd lose a few months at worst.”
“Uh huh, like Little Ellie, back home, I believe that I have never seen you more nervous than that year of waiting for the wizard to come and prove it wasn't yours.”
“Yeah well Ellie was rolling in the hay with at least three other men, so I knew it wasn't mine.”
“There were times when you didn't seem so sure, I seem to remember you sweating an awful lot after Marlin got there. You had to at least think there was the possibility of it being yours.”
“Well it wasn't. And niether were the three others that they have tried to pin on me.”
Kara stared at the men mouth agape. Marlin, who up until now had been speaking with the innkeeper, spoke up. “It was a narrow thing on the two that I judged, Edric, and I am not sure I even made the right choice, though the others that were named father were much more willing to and able to be a father than you. I consider it mercy on the children and Mothers involved not to name you.”
40,585 / 50,000
nov. 7, 2009 - 07 41
here are a few silly passages that amuse me:
(after meeting a frogman & realizing her cat could suddenly talk)
“Melinda dear, I have always talked. You just don’t speak domestic feline. Sad really. Think of all the times we could have avoided me peeing on your things. Though I probably would have done it anyway. A guaranteed way to turn a bad mood around you know.” Larry chuckled spitefully at that last bit. “Next time you‘re angry at someone you should really try it.
“But honestly, why are you so concerned about the fact that he’s a frog? Bigger than the ones I’d normally chase, but you people walk about and drive all the time. I don’t see the difference. You don’t even look that different to me. You wanted a good Samaritan and here one is. Get your proverbial panties out of a bunch and ask for help.”
She gave Larry the once over and replied, “I liked you better when you didn’t talk.”
Hating to give the smug cat bastard the satisfaction of being right, she knew he was. At least about the needing help and here it is bit. Sure it didn’t look like the help she had expected, but they say the lord works in mysterious ways. And he did do that plague thing with the frogs before. Maybe this is some sort of test. She never did well on tests, and frankly this whole line of thinking opened up theological questions she was not prepared to answer with everything currently going on.
_____________________________________________________
“It is obvious from looking at you that you are from one of the neutral countries, and as I mentioned earlier that doesn’t make you very popular with some people. I just want to make sure you know to keep your eyes open and your head down to avoid trouble. Most people don’t get beyond staring and making rude comments, but there are a few nuts who will take things further. Much further.
Just stick with me, don’t get confrontational with anyone, and for heaven’s sake don’t advertise that you have no idea about Froaling or the war or anything as it seems. I don’t know what problems you are having, but I’d rather help you figure it out away from the prying ears of people likely to knock us over the head and throw us in the back of their pick up truck to use as piñatas at a midnight rally.”
______________________________________
"“Well, and I’m ashamed to admit it, but our bombs turned the entire country into two foot tall purple garden gnomes, but without the hat. Looking like a frog may have taken some getting used to, but at least we could still reach our upper cabinets and shelves. Poor Marisets, they couldn’t even reach the pedals to drive their cars. They had to walk everywhere for months, or use two to drive, one in the floor working the pedals and one in the seat to steer. It was a mess. But they were able to persevere and build smaller cars to fit them, as well as more standard sized automobiles with levers on the dash taking the place of pedals, for accommodating tourists. They are a remarkable people with a great history.
In fact, they really had to totally reinvent their economy after the war. They had been known throughout the world for their remarkable fashions and beautiful women who wore them. Sadly, after their transformation all the women were short and bearded, depressing the entire country. Rather than designing, creating, and wearing high glamor, they began to rely on double knit pant suits and caftans. A tragedy really. But they managed to turn that around as well with the remarkable popularization of the gem sweater.”"
----------3,902 / 50,000
nov. 7, 2009 - 09 52
My whole Novel is supposed to be humerous. However I think my favourite part is when my main charcter's best friend sign them both up for a crusade, just because their offering free novelty pants for those who join =)
42,387 / 50,000
nov. 7, 2009 - 11 22
That would certainly do it for me. :D
Here's mine--regency riff.
“I felt like one. I was pushed overboard by an Onglishman who will not, as they say, be troubled by worldly cares any longer. Probably. I meant to kill him anyway, but it was all rather confused.”
“Why did you let yourself be pushed?”
“Because at the time I didn’t want to reveal who, or rather what, I was. Besides I was taken by surprise, my wand was in my pocket and I had no time to improvise. It seemed best to let him think he’d won however briefly.”
“What was he so annoyed about?”
“He suspected me, rightly, of having designs on the young lady I brought with me. However, his designs were much worse, so I effected a rescue.”
Like Mr Earbrass, I am the straying, rather than the sedentary, type of author.