Talk About Dead
an excerpt

“There’s a zombie here to see you,” Molly Waters said.

“Oh?” I glanced at the doorway. “Is it someone we know?”

“Gloria,” my part time secretary said with a grimace. “She doesn’t look so good.”

“It’s been what . . . six months?”

She nodded, making her light red hair bob around her ears.

“You’d better show her in.” I gathered up the loose paperwork on my desk into its manila folder. “And you’d better call Hank.”

“Right,” she mumbled before slipping away.

I sighed. Just what I needed. Another corpse on my doorstep. I set the manila folder in my work in progress tray. I’d have to work on Bobby Johnson’s errant wife later. This wasn’t a good sign of the way my Monday was going to be. It was only ten in late October.

“This way, Gloria,” Molly said, reappearing. She backed into my office. She gestured to the lone chair in front of my desk.

Gloria’s reanimated body shuffled into the room. She moaned softly with each movement. She’d been in the ground long enough to lose most of her long blond hair. Her skin hung from her skull, bunching around her neck. Her nice pink suit was tattered and dirty, but mostly intact. The smell that emanated from was putrid, but she was still in the early stages of decompasion. Her gray skin looked worse in the floresent lights, but even in the daylight, she’d been obviously dead at first glance.

What was disturbing was the reddish gleam to her teeth.

“Sit down, Gloria,” I said, standing.

She staggered to the chair. She lined herself up before she flopped back into the chair. Molly winced as if expecting Gloria to fall out of the chair, but nothing happened but a piece of flesh from her nose slipped off and splattered on the floor.

“I’ll call Hank,” Molly said, her nose twitching.

“Okay.”

She darted out of the room, leaving me with the zombie.

“So, Gloria,” I said, coming around the desk. I sat down on the front edge, not bothered by the smell as my secretary was. “Did Ted wake you up?”

Yes.

I shook my head. “I thought we made it clear to him that you didn’t want this. Can you tell me what happened?”

She tried to nod, but her neck made a crack that stopped all motion.

“Just talk to me, Gloria. You shouldn’t move so much. You already walked all the way here. Tell me what happened.”

Ted promised me he’d never wake me! He swore, damn it! She waved her left arm and flesh from her arm flew off and splattered on the wall. Luckily, it hit in the white space between my door and the built-in bookshelf. The mass slipped down the wall, leaving a brown stain before flopping to the floor.
Gloria didn’t notice the mess she was making.

“I know,” I said, thinking of Gloria’s idiot husband as I eyed the wall. Yes, he’d lost Gloria in her late thirties, but he had to let her go. This was stupid.

The witch doctor was there and they tried to make me get in his hearse. I bit Ted and came here.

I sighed. “How bad was the bite?”

She made a hissing noise. He’ll have to get stitches on his right arm.

“You didn’t take his whole arm, did you?”

She started to move her head again, but stopped. No, but he wasn’t happy. He kept calling my name as I walked away. Serves him right!

“Did he say why he woke you?”

No. He didn’t say.

I frowned. I hadn’t heard any rumors about Ted. Nothing that would have suggested that he’d go against my advice or Gloria’s dying wish to resurrect her. I suppose I’d be having a conversation with Mr. Theodore Knutson very soon.

I’m tired, Darcy Shaw.

“Yes, I know,” I said as my phone rang. Its ring only sounded once so I knew it was Molly. “Yes?”

“Hank’s on his way.”

“Is Pam with him?”

“Yep,” she said. “He seems to already know.”

“Probably heard the screams. I’ll escort Gloria out. We’re going to need Raphael in here.” I eyed the wall, knowing it was going to cost me a pretty penny.

She sighed. “I’ll call him.”

I grabbed my digital camera and took pictures of Gloria. She made no moves as I documented her and the mess she’d made. I slipped the camera into my jeans’ pocket before I stood up. “Gloria, we’re going to go outside.”

I want to go back to sleep!

“I know and we’re going to send you back to sleep. I promise.”

Her lips wiggled into what could be a smile if it wasn’t so grotesque. Thank you, Darcy Shaw. You are good.

I smiled, though I faked it. “Well, let’s get going.”

Her decomposing body rose slowly, leaving bits of flesh on and around the chair. She turned towards the door and I led her out. I let her shuffle after me, passing filing cabinets and then Molly at her desk. Molly was trying not to look sick, but failed miserably. Gloria didn’t notice. Her attention was on me.
I opened the frosted glass door, holding it for her. I noticed the smear of dirt on the glass and was surprised Molly hadn’t screamed when Gloria arrived. Maybe the girl was getting used to it.

After she cleared that door, I took a few pictures of her and the door. I then walked to the second door, grimacing to see the flesh droppings and mud smeared around the linoleum floor of the office building. I hoped Raphael would get here before Mr. Wilson saw the mess even as I snapped another set of pictures.

Gloria and I were out of the building when Hank pulled up. The black hearse looked funny on Fourth Street in broad daylight. He parked in the handicap space, but that was typical.

My older brother Hank got out even as his wife Pam got out of the passenger side. Hank towered over the hearse’s roof.

“So she made it all the way here,” he said, shaking his head.

“She just got here,” I said. I looked at Gloria. “Come on, Gloria.”

“Poor dear,” Pam said, tying back her brown hair. “I really thought she was safe.”

“Everyone did,” Hank said. “What that idiot wanted wasn’t worth this.”

“Did you see him?” I asked as we met at the tailgate of the hearse.

“I called the ambulance,” he said, turning the latch to pull open the back. “The little baby was crying about his arm.”

“She took a chunk out of his forearm,” Pam said, sending him a look. “You’d be screaming too.”

Hank grinned. “Well, you don’t need to worry, honey. I’d never bring you back. I get enough grief while you’re alive.”

Pam hit his shoulder, but it was more of a love tap.

He pulled out the platform where a modest coffin rested. He lifted the split lids. He pulled out a small four step ladder and set it beside the open coffin before looking at me.

“Gloria,” I said, looking directly at the dead woman. “I need you to climb into the coffin.”

Will I go back into the ground? Will I be asleep again?

“Yes. Pam’s going to put you back to sleep.”

Will it hurt?

“Has anything hurt yet? Since you woke up?”

Good point.

I gestured to the coffin. “Eternal sleep awaits.”

How? What if Ted wakes me again?

“We’ll cremate you,” I said. “That’s the only way to stop him. Do we have your permission?”

Yes. God, yes.

“Hank will do it today,” I said, knowing he would. “I promise.”

She eyed me with her milky eyes. Okay, but make sure he pays for the cremation. Make him regret going to the witch doctor.

“He’ll be receiving my bill immediately,” I said. “I took pictures, remember?”

Yes. Gloria shuffled to the ladder.

This was the tricky part. Her stiff muscles and decomposing structure took the steps carefully. They never did well on the ladder, but she was still pretty fresh so she was able to climb into the casket. She lay down, moaning low.
I took pictures as she did this, all for evidence.

“Do you want me to send her on?” Pam asked, her big brown eyes on me.

“Yes,” I said. “She’s ready.”

“Did she tell you why he woke her?” Hank asked, rubbing his balding forehead above the ring of dark blond hair. In his late thirties, he’d inherited the Shaw hairline.

“She doesn’t know,” I said.

Pam climbed the ladder, not noticing the flesh droppings. Her pretty face was devoid of emotion, but her full attention was Gloria. “Rest, sweet lady,” she said. “Sleep the deep peaceful sleep of death.” She reached out with fingers spread wide. She waved them over the zombie. She did this for several minutes before she suddenly went still, frozen.

Hank and I waited.

Pam dropped her arms and looked down at us. “She’s gone.”

“We’ll get her in the crematorium as soon as we get back to the Home,” Hank said. He held out a hand to his wife and helped her down the ladder.

Pam radiated with power as she did any time she sent a soul back to the afterlife. The high won’t last long and she’ll be asleep before they get back to the Home. Being a soul taker was hard work, taking a great toll on her body every time she helped a soul. That’s the price she paid for her gift.
We all paid for our own in our own way.

Hank put Pam into the passenger seat before he came back to the tailgate. He closed the coffin, pushed it inside and stored the ladder before shutting the back door. He took a deep breath. “It was bad, Dar.”

“I hear it was Lawrence with the husband,” I said.

Hank rolled his dark blue eyes. “That guy’s a menace. One of these days I’m going to catch him in the act and sic the cops on him.”

“He waits until you’re busy.” I shook my head. “I just wish the Sheriff would take us seriously.”

“He thinks we’re doing everything that needs to be done.” He glanced at the traffic on the boring streets of Waverly Lake. That meant there was one car driving by, eyeing the hearse in front of the two-story brick office building. There weren’t many shops on this street. Most of them were over on First and Main just off the lake, or on Hwy 99E and Callahan, east of town. The post office was on Third and most of the bars were on Second along with the witch doctor Lawrence.

“Maybe if you talk to him . . .”

He laughed. “You know that’s not a good idea.”

“Just because you blame him for losing that championship football game.” I
glared at my brother. “It could have happened to anyone.”

“Missing that perfect spiral in wide open field?” His eyebrows rose. “I don’t think so. The doofus dropped the ball and lost us the title.”

“It was a high school game.”

“It was the State championship,” he said, drawing out the last two words.

“Whatever, it was twenty years ago.”

“Well, I still remember,” he said. “And Sheriff Frank Sullivan is still a doofus.”

I shook my head. “With that kind of attitude, we’re never going to get any help.”

“We just have to catch him red-handed digging up the grave. We’ve nearly caught him several times.”

“You’ll just have to try harder.” I eyed the closed casket inside the hearse.
“Any ideas what Ted’s up to?”

He shrugged. “It could be anything. It could be innocent.”

“So Ted’s at the hospital?”

“Yep. You’ll find him there. Lawrence got away of course.”

“Typical.” I sighed. “Today isn’t starting out very well.”

“It’s still early,” he said, patting my shoulder.

“That’s what worries me.”

He nodded, but didn’t comment.

“Well, I let you take care of Pam and Gloria,” I said. “I’ve got to write up an expensive bill for Ted.”

“I’ll send mine out too.” He rubbed his hands together. “I can already smell the cash.”

I groaned, earning his smile.

I headed back inside as my brother got into the hearse and headed back to the Shaw Funeral Home. It was on the edge of town a half mile off Hwy 99E. Beside it was the Waverly Lake Cemetery, which most of the small town residents had been buried for over one hundred years.

I tried to ignore the decayed flesh that dotted the ground and doors. They always came. Nothing stopped them. They weren’t destructive, but they didn’t mind losing bits of themselves as they went. I rented the first floor office because it was easier for the zombies. Everything I did was with that in mind: what was easiest for the zombies.