Excerpt: How to Write a Dictionary in 50,000 Words, and untitled

-HTWADI5W-
In the next room there was a buffet of sorts laid out, mostly with snack-like foods rather than anything you could make an actual meal out of, but Kim wasn’t really that hungry anyway, and of course if you put together enough snacks you would have almost a meal anyway. She quickly grabbed a plate and filled it with various things before sitting down at the long table that had been provided for them. Now she was next to different people – Pat on her left and Ivy on her right. Ivy was in a conversation with Sweaty Ken, or at least she was trying to be, but he was sort of ignoring her, and she was getting upset. Kim would have done something, but then Pat started talking to her, and her attention focused on the conversation at hand.

“So I didn’t notice before now, but you kind of look familiar,” Pat said. “Like, really familiar. But I can’t quite place your face. Where have we met?”

Kim blushed. “Oh – that. Well, I… I almost accidentally set off a bomb once…”

Pat’s eyes widened. “Oh. That was you? Wow, I can’t believe I didn’t make that connection until just now.” She hesitated. “I didn’t steal your story, did I? Because I really didn’t mean to—”

“No, no. I have plenty of others. Besides, it would have been boring from my perspective anyway.” Kim used the same rationalizations she had used on herself just after Pat had finished telling her story. It was true, really; it didn’t bother her at all that Pat had chosen that particular story to tell.

“Lots of others? Really? I guess you must lead a very eventful life,” Pat said appreciatively.

“Yes, you could say that,” Kim agreed thoughtfully. Hmm, what story should she tell? She supposed she should see which ones were left, after everyone else went. She was going last, after all.

“You don’t believe a word of Gina’s story, do you?” Pat said, more quietly than before.

Kim shook her head. “Of course not. It was utter fabrication from beginning to end. I think she made it up on the spot because she thinks everyone else made theirs up.”

“Well, we didn’t, and you have the proof,” Pat said in a satisfied manner. “At least, for my story. Hey, do you have any… uh, preference yet? I mean, who you’d like to leave with?”

“Oh… not yet,” Kim confessed. “What about you?”

“Me neither. Ryan is kind of cute, but then so is Caleb, and so is Isaac, and we haven’t heard either of their stories yet. Plus, I’m not really one to judge based solely on looks… hey, do you think there are any lesbians for Star? Are you gay?”

“I’m looking for a man,” Kim clarified quickly, avoiding using the word “gay” or “lesbian” herself. “Good luck to her, though. I guess it’d have to be Rose or Ivy, wouldn’t it? Because Gina’s such a – an unpleasant person, and we’re both looking for men…”

“I am too,” Ivy put in, having given up, apparently, on her conversation with Sweaty Ken. “It’d have to be Rose. I guess we’ll find out pretty soon what Rose is looking for, huh?”

“Yeah, she’s going next,” Pat agreed. “And then you, right? Hey, do you have any idea who you’d like to go home with?”

“Oh… maybe,” Ivy said, blushing slightly as she kept her eyes focused on her plate so as not to give anything away. “We’ll see, I guess.”

“What story are you going to tell?” Pat asked, grinning.

“You’ll find out when I tell it,” Ivy said, blushing even harder. “Hey, just so you know… that girl in Sweaty Ken’s story? The one that built the time machine? That’s me.”

“You invented a time machine?” Pat said, impressed. “Very nice. You’re a smart girl. Is that what you were just trying to talk to him about?”

“Yeah,” Ivy muttered. Kim looked to see if Sweaty Ken was aware that he was being talked about just two feet away from his left elbow, but he seemed to be far too absorbed in a conversation with whoever was sitting on his other side, though Kim couldn’t tell who it was because Sweaty Ken was too big and he blocked the way. Maybe there was no one there at all; given what she knew of Sweaty Ken so far, Kim wouldn’t put it past him to have a conversation with himself.

At that point Pat turned to the person on her other side, who was Ryan, and he had been conversing with the person on his other side, who was Star, so he hadn’t noticed when he was briefly mentioned. This left Kim to talk to Ivy, but apparently both of them were terrible at small talk, because mostly they just stared at their plates and ate. That was all right though; Kim didn’t mind, at least. She looked up and down the table, seeing what everyone else was eating and who they were talking to. Gina, it appeared, was deep in a conversation with Drew. Well, that was fitting; his had been the only story she had really believed, and he had been the only one to defend her when she said that her lie – er, story – was completely true. If they were going to end up together… well, they deserved it each other, and Kim would just leave it at that lest she be unnecessarily rude. Enough people were doing that, anyway. Kim could hear quite clearly Pat talking about Gina under her breath to Ryan, and Ryan agreeing with everything. Kim didn’t feel the need to contribute to that, and now she suddenly noticed the person in charge standing in the doorway beckoning them. It took him a while to get everyone attention, but eventually they were all moving away from the table as a crowd. Lunch break was over. Rose was going to tell her story next, and then Ivy; then Isaac, then Caleb, and finally Kim.

But before any of that could happen, there was a surprise waiting for them in the regular room. Sweaty Ken was already in his place in the circle – but he was also walking into the room right behind Kim. She knew; she checked for him behind her as soon as she saw him seated on the floor. Two Sweaty Kens? Wasn’t one enough?

The Sweaty Ken sitting on the floor waved to those coming into the room. “Sorry I’m late,” he said, not sounding sorry at all. “The time machine malfunctioned.”

“No way,” Ivy said, staring at him and not sounding as if she were really aware that she was talking. “My time machine is perfect. You must have done something wrong.”

“Well, I set it for the right time, so I guess it just broke or something,” Sweaty Ken said casually. The other Sweaty Ken, the one that was still standing, went over to sit by himself, like this was an ordinary everyday thing.

“Wait a minute,” Ivy said, staring at the both of them now. “I gave you a time machine – and you use it to go back in time and flirt with yourself? That’s wrong on so many levels.”

“No, it’s totally right,” the original Sweaty Ken said enthusiastically. “See, I had this idea as I was eating just now, that I could go back in time and meet myself here. And it’s totally perfect, see? This way, everything works out, right?”

Ivy stamped her foot. “That’s not what you’re supposed to use the time machine for!” she snapped. “That is time machine abuse! You’re screwing with the time stream, you know that? You’re screwing everything up! I’m taking the time machine back!”

“That’s fine,” the new Sweaty Ken said. “I don’t need it anymore.”

“Only take one of them, though,” the other Sweaty Ken said. “I’ll still need one in the future.”

“They’re the same time machine anyway,” Star pointed out.

“I hate you,” Ivy announced to both Sweaty Kens as she stalked back to her place in the circle. Well, she wasn’t quite in the same place; now she was sitting as far from both Sweaty Kens as she possibly could get. After a few moments, everyone else filed into the room, taking their own places around the circle and trying to fit as many people as possible between Ivy and Sweaty Ken, even though there were only twelve – no, thirteen now, counting the extra Sweaty Ken – people in the room. Well, everyone focused on that except Gina and Drew, who were far too absorbed in each other to even notice the whole “two Sweaty Kens” thing. In fact, Kim was surprised they had managed to be paying enough attention to get up from the table when everyone else did. They would be making out before long, she was sure. Which really begged the question, why were they still here? They had quite clearly already decided who they were leaving with, and they were obviously no longer single, from the way they were looking at each other, not to mention the fact that neither of them seemed at all interested in hearing anyone else’s stories. But she supposed they didn’t want to be rude by leaving the meeting early; or perhaps they had forgotten that they were in a meeting for single people in the first place. She wouldn’t put it past them, honestly.

-Untitled-
Uncle Sal opened the door as they pulled into his driveway. He saw them fairly often – at least twice a week – but that didn’t stop him from reacting with enthusiasm every time they came to visit. And Rover, too, though the dog could not step off the front porch, because the lowest step was the edge of Uncle Sal’s necromancy circle, and if he went outside of it, Sal’s enchantment on him would vanish and he would be nothing but the skeleton of a dog. But he knew that, however that worked – maybe Uncle Sal had taught him, or maybe it was instinct – so he stayed on the porch, happily wagging his bony tail while waiting for the rest of them to come back up to the house.

“Hey, Avery,” Sal said, giving his brother a hug as he got out of the car. “Hey, girls. Hey, Scarecrow. How have you all been?”

“I learned a new trick,” Lauren said excitedly. “Watch!” She set Scarecrow down on the ground and closed her eyes, concentrating and moving her hands almost unconsciously. Slowly, a transparent image, a duplicate of Scarecrow, formed in the air. It vanished when she opened her eyes, grinning up at Uncle Sal.

“Very nice,” he said appreciatively. “What about you, Samantha? You learn anything new?”

“Nothing really special,” Samantha muttered.

“Sure you did,” her dad said. “The rock thing, remember?”

“You taught her the rock trick?” Uncle Sal said, sounding impressed. “Let me see.”

Samantha had forgotten about that. She had been too busy stewing in the shadow Lauren’s accomplishment to remember that she was still learning as well. Now, though, she cast around for a suitable rock. It had to be small, or she wouldn’t be able to do it. There was one between Scarecrow’s feet. She took a deep breath and stared at it, not blinking, concentrating. And slowly, slowly, it start moving toward her. Scarecrow stepped aside, watching it as it first slid, and then started lifting up, and finally flew into Samantha’s outstretched hand. She closed her fist around it, grinning. She could do things Lauren couldn’t, and people were still proud of her.

“Wow,” said Uncle Sal, genuinely impressed. “That’s good. How long did it take you to learn that?”

“I worked on it for a week before I could get the rock to fly,” Samantha said.

“I’ve been working on mine for a week and a half,” Lauren admitted, embarrassed. “I didn’t practice enough.”

“Don’t sweat it. It took me two weeks,” Uncle Sal said to her. “And I didn’t get to the rock trick until I was at least two months older than you are, Samantha. That’s pretty impressive, both of you.”

Lauren grinned. “Thanks.”

“It’s the truth,” Uncle Sal declared. “Now come on inside, you three. I think Rover’s getting impatient.”