Remnants
an excerpt

January 3, 1996

Hold absorbent tip pointed down in urine stream.

Check. Pointed down. Gotcha. There you go. Damn. You’d think I could at least piss on stick without getting it all over my hands, right? Can’t do anything right, I guess. Terrific. No toilet paper.

Place protective cap over absorbent tip.

Ha. If I had any luck with protective caps I wouldn’t be doing this in the first place.

Test results will be apparent after two minutes.

Two minutes. Great. What time is it?

3:31

I guess I could wash my hands. Oh great. So that’s why you put the protective cap on it. So what happens if the stick gets wet?

Water splashed on the absorbent tip should not affect test results.

Should not? What’s that supposed to mean? SHOULD not? Like a condom SHOULD not come off? Like an honor student SHOULD not get pregnant on her eighteenth birthday? Mental note: Complain to the fools who write these instructions. What time is it?

3:31

Clock must be broken.

3:32

Okay, not broken. Slow. Right. Hands are clean. For now. What’s next? Wonder what Monroe is doing? Scratch that. There’ll be plenty of time for thinking about Monroe one and a half minutes from now. Could replace the toilet paper roll. Hey, the toilet’s leaking. Better tell Mom about that. Ha. Sure, right after you drop the bomb. ‘Hey Mom, you’re gonna be a grandma. Oh, and the toilet’s leaking.’ What time is it?

3:32

Stupid clock. Could be hallucinating, you know? Maybe that’s what all this is. Just one big hallucination. Wouldn’t that be nice?

3:33

Time. Well, go ahead, sissy. What are you scared of? A little piss? Some harmless blue line? Go on. Take the cap off. Good girl. Now look at the little window. Good girl. Now check to see what it means.

A line in the first window indicates that the test has worked correctly. If another line appears in the second window, the test is positive.

Oh God.