Excerpt: Cecelia's Adventures in Time: The Romp In Rome

“Yes,” agreed Horace, “Now all we need to do is to safely return to our little class room shack without any unpleasant encounters, especially with those particularly foul roman sentries.”

“Knock on wood,” said Cecelia, using a phrase which here means, ‘Now that you’ve said it, let’s make sure it doesn’t happen by knocking on wood’, even though she actually didn’t knock on any wood, although there was a tree nearby upon which she very easily could have knocked.

To knock on wood is a curious thing. The need to knock on wood arises in a situation in which someone states something they don’t want to happen. In that case, the person, or else someone else holding the view, knocks on wood to counter act any negative result that could ensue from the karma released when the very thing the person wanted to happen or not to happen was stated out loud. All in all, it has become more of a common phrase than an actual practicing of knocking on wood. A similar phrase is ‘speak of the devil’, imply that if you speak about the devil, he then appears. People often use this phrase when they are speaking about a person and then that person comes walking up to them. They would then say, “Speak of the Devil! We were just talking about you!” or something similar. Just as with knocking on wood, no one actually speaks about the devil; they are both merely phrases passed into common parlance which have virtually lost their meaning.

However, since Cecelia didn’t actually knock on any wood but merely suggested the idea, a horrible offense to the knock on wood karma gods, sure as the sun sets, a sentry rounded the corner and bumped into them squarely.

“Oi!” the Roman Sentry said rather grumpily, quickly getting to his feet as Cecelia and Horace scrambled on the ground to retrieve the bound documents, tomes, and maps they were carrying which had spilled everywhere. “What’s all this then?”

Cecelia and Horace stood up abruptly, arms full of incredibly incriminating documents, and exchanged glances that indicated they were about to be in a heap of trouble. After a pause, they both started speaking simultaneously.

“Oh, uh, we, er, uh-“ began Cecelia.

“Well, you see, officer, we, well-“ started Horace.

“I thought Roman Citizens knew better!” interrupted the Sentry before Cecelia or Horace could conjure up a lie about what they were carrying it or why they were carrying it. Horace and Cecelia looked at each other again. “Well, what do you have to say for yourselves?” the sentry asked accusingly.

“We, uh, well, er-“ Horace mumbled.

“Oh, well, you see, we, uh-“ stumbled Cecelia.

“Right!” shrieked the Sentry. “I can see you two are very sorry for what you’ve done. It’s a rare thing what you just did, not watching where you were going and running into people and dropping all your things like that.”

Cecelia and Horace again exchanged nervous glances. “However!” continued the sentry, “I can see that you truly regret what you have done and will be more cautious next time you are walking about the streets, which will be now, when you walk away from me, and you’ll take more care not to bump into people like that! You know, someone could have seriously got hurt!”

“We know,” breathed out Horace and Cecelia at the same time.

“We’ll be more careful,” said Cecelia, employing her best puppy- dog eyes, which was a tactic she liked to use in order to persuade grown ups not to get angry at her.

“Right then,” replied the Sentry. “Be off, the lot of you. And do be more careful, there are elderly people and young children around, who aren’t so resilient as I am.” And with that, he turned and walked away, whistling a song that sounded vaguely like the theme from Fraggle Rock, a positively wonderful children’s television show created by Jim Henson, which I suggest you go out and buy a season of right now. That he was whistling this was funny, however, because Fraggle Rock didn’t exist in the Roman Empire nineteen ninety six that Ceceila and Horace had come to, because the Romans had refused to allow for the creation of the television, because they thought it detracted from the beauty and purity of the world and overall rotted the brains of children and made them sessile, a word which here means “sedentary, un moving, or relatively non active”.

If there is one thing you take away from this book, please consider the fact that the Romans might have done something right when they denounced the invention of the television set.

Cecelia and Horace stared as the sentry walked away, unable to believe what happened.

“Whew!” said Horace, “That was cl-“

“DON’T-” interrupted Cecelia, “even say it.”

With that, they turned down a more discreet side road and made their way towards the class room shack.