Excerpt: Attention Whore

Shameless Productions was owned by a global conglomerate which was, in turn, owned by a tacky Australian who had gone from rich to very rich by buying up the world’s respectable newspapers, adding horoscopes to the front page above the fold, pictures of topless women on page three, and editorials bemoaning the state of journalism. He had become aware of the reality television genre while accidentally watching American television and uttered the now historic line “A fucking monkey could do this. Get me some of this reality television shit, and make a splash with it. Or you’re fired.”

The resultant company first came to fame in the United Kingdom with its breakout program “Chav Chat,” in which a vintage Rolls Royce, chauffeured by a driver from the diplomatic protective services, meandered through housing estates while the passenger, a Royal Shakespearian actor best known for playing a duplicitous prime minister, made rude and condescending inquiries through the window. “That’s an impressive gold chain. Did your mum have to swallow a lot of pork sword to buy it for you?” In the top-rated episode, the actor barely had time to politely ask “That’s a lovely baseball cap. Did you have to stab many people to acquire it?” before the Rolls had to drive across the scrubland lawn and through a cyclone fence to escape a horde of pimpled youth throwing empty cider bottles.

The program became the standard-bearer of class warfare entertainment television, sparking debate, boycotts, and editorials. Social scientists at redbrick universities claimed it was the harbinger of the end of polite society, talk show pendants proclaimed the show repugnant in its execution, yet a refreshing and liberating example of plain speak. The actual disenfranchised youth featured on the program didn’t do a thing except loiter and stab each other for off-brand cigarettes. When the BBC attempted to film one of their gatherings for an opinion piece, they were threatened and their camera gear stolen and sold for lager and crisps. Social services were called to console the thieves.

The American version was rather different.