Excerpt: Untitled (Or is it?)

The year was 1786. In one galaxy, some dudes with glowing sticks went around beating people up who had differently coloured glowing sticks and shot pointy glowing sticks at each other with big things. However, we aren’t interested in that one. That’s George Lucas’ job.
So, therefore we travel through several intergalactic rifts, nine wormholes, and a crossing tunnel between two universes, paying £5.50 to get through (damn corporate gits). After this, we hop on a taxi and land in the middle of Earth. Whoop de doo. Of all the places to be, we land in the most boring place of all, where no dragons, unicorns, or even glowing pointy sticks can be found.
Lord Bob II used to live with the greats. Allah, Krishna, and the Buddha used to be his neighbours. At the end of his street lived a man with a sign on his door reading ‘God, PhD’. A variety of other deities lived around, from various eras, and of various levels of usefulness. Three doors to his left, there lived Heloisa, the Ancient Lithuanian god of needing the toilet. However, this could not last long. The deities couldn’t really stand this nagging mortal in their midst, and decided to evict him, with much throwing of lighting bolts, and roaring of ‘Hear me, oh ye mortal,’ and, from the Gods of newer religions, ‘Oi! You, listen up!’ However, Bob was a big man, in all respects, except possibly the mental one. He was big in height, standing well clear of six feet, and big in the waist, wider than most brick outhouses. He was also built like an ox. That is to say, he liked to wear horned hats, and hooves on his hands. He was only really lightly muscled. So, Bob resisted the eviction. The Gods’ fingers were getting tired from throwing too many lightning bolts in the past five minutes, so they decided to settle it with a good old fashioned game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. However, this was hardly a fair game. Heloisa, for the first time proving her worth, decided this would be an opportune moment to distract him with a sudden bowel movement. Then God began using his omnipotence, to read Bob’s mind, and see that he would call upon the Rock. Buddha stepped forward, he being the only one there with legitimate hands. Ares began to count.
“One-“ The hands of the two players came down once. “Two-“ They fell again “Three!” The two players revealed. Buddha’s clever use of paper foiled Bob’s plan of using Rock. However, Bob was not finished yet.
“How the hell does paper beat rock?! Come on, try and envelop this rock with your precious paper!” Buddha stepped forward cautiously, and held out a thick sheet of hand woven paper. Very fine. He began to fold it over the rock. At this moment, the rock burst into life, and ate the paper in one gulp.
Zeus swore loudly. “Bugger, I knew I shouldn’t have started experimenting with rocks yet, oh bugger, bugger, bugger!”
Kronus looked around the corner. “I heard that, Zeus. Say sorry to your friends. And that detestable human thing.”
Zeus looked crestfallen. “Ok, daddy. Sorry guys, sorry Bob, you detestable human thing.”
Bob stepped forward. “I think that proves my point. Paper does NOT beat rock. Ever.”
God looked over. “He’s right, you know. But I still don’t like you, and we’re still evicting you.”
Bob glared. “But, but you said that you wouldn’t evict me if I won!”
The Buddha stepped forward menacingly. Not many people manage to look menacing to Bob, but he did it, being one of the few people in the world bigger than him. “Yeah, well. In reality, that may be the case, paper does not beat rock. But in the infinite power granted to the creator of the game Rock, Paper, Scissors, he declared that paper beat rock. So by the rules of the game, you have been defeated. So bugger off!”
Bob stood there. “Sod you. I ain’t going anywhere.”
God looked down on him. “You sure about that, laddie?”
Bob matched his gaze easily. “Yep.”
God laughed. “Sorry to disappoint your mind then, but you are.”
God dropkicked him out of the window, into the world, where we followed him, to see his story unfold.