Excerpt: Broken

When I got to my room, I shut the door, and leaned against it, panting. Damn it, I swore at myself. I could feel the onset of a panic attack. I slid down the door and rested my head in my hands. The flood gates were open and there was no stopping the tears. I could hear someone ask if they should wait to start since I wasn’t there, and my sister, bless her heart, said it was okay.

I sat there for five minutes just letting the sobs rack through my body. I couldn’t understand why I was so upset. He hasn’t left me. Yet, I thought bitterly to myself. I picked up the shoe sitting next to my door and chucked it across the room. I felt like such an idiot thinking that he loved me like I loved him. I couldn’t believe I let myself get wrapped up in him. And every inch of me hated him for that, and I hated myself more.

I suddenly became acutely aware that I was not alone in the room. Maybe it was the lack of sound of the shoe hitting something that tipped me off, but I wasn’t sure. I slowly looked up at my bed. I almost screamed when I saw him sitting on the edge of the bed.

“You nearly hit me you know?” Ethan said solemnly.

“Good, to bad I throw like a girl” I muttered at him. He put the shoe down and stood up.

“You’re mad at me.”

“Duh, what are you doing in here?” I glared at him. I was bewildered by my sudden anger at him. Just a moment ago, I was sending myself into a panic attack because I believed he wasn’t ever coming back, and yet here he is and I want to slap him, or maybe even break his nose or I know! Bust his lip, so he can’t smile that beautiful smile that makes me melt, and want to kiss him.

“You deserve an explanation, and I can’t leave with out telling you the truth.” His answer hit me like someone had just punched me. He’s leaving me again.

“Well at least it’s not raining this time.” I mumbled, and then groaned when I realized that I had said that out loud. I glanced back up at him. He had his head down, his hair hiding his eyes like it was a shield.

“I have to leave because,” He paused, looking for the words he wanted to say.

“Just save it Ethan.” I stood up, and walked over to him. “I know the drill. You make me think everything is perfect, and like a fool I let my guard down, and fall right back in love with you. Well you know what? I’m tired of playing these games. I wasted almost four years on you, waiting for you to come back, waiting for you to tell me you loved me too, maybe even that you loved me more. Well it’s over! My heart can’t take it anymore, I can’t love you anymore. Go to where ever you’re going. Because I am so done with this crap! Sometimes I wish you never came back!” I yelled at him. I could hear someone coming up the stairs, and at this point I didn’t care who it was. The anger I felt was suddenly washed away by his reaction.

He lifted his eyes to meet mine, they were blood shot; much like mine looks from not sleeping. His cheeks were moist from tears I couldn’t see.
“That was never my intention, to make you feel that way. I came back for you Samantha, and…” He stopped what ever it was he was about to say. There was a knock on the door.

“Sam honey, are you okay?” It was Sadie.

“Yeah, I’m on the phone I’ll be down in a minute.” I lied, still glaring at Ethan. I waited as she walked away. “Well? What’s you’re brilliant speech this time Ethan?”

He looked at me like I slapped him, but just shook his head. “I’m not leaving” He said softly through clenched teeth. “I’m leaving you alone, something I should have done from the beginning.”

I could feel my hands clench into fists, in my mind I saw myself punching him as hard as I could in the gut. Maybe then he would know the pain he was causing me, but instead, I just walked away from him. I slammed my door as I left, storming to the stairs.