Excerpt: Latin for Lawyers

“Any plans for the weekend?”

“You don’t really want to know, do you, sir?”

“Just making small talk.”

“Fair enough. I plan to go to a bar tonight, drink too much, and sleep with someone who’ll never call me again after he leaves in the morning. I’ll spend Saturday regretting that I did that, then repeat the entire process that night. If I’m lucky, I’ll get a few orgasms out of the deal and no social diseases. Sunday will be spent cleaning my apartment manically in order to push aside my deep regrets of an unfulfilled life.”

“Okay. Well, have fun.”

“Thank you, Mr. Ripley. And yourself?”

“My plans?”

“Yes.”

“You’ve never asked before.”

“Neither had you. It seemed an appropriate response.”

That made sense. “Well, Brock Lydon and I are going to a bar, where I intend to drink too much, hopefully pick up a girl very much like you, sleep with her, then never call her again after I sneak out in the morning. If I’m lucky, I’ll do the same Saturday night. No regrets either way. Sunday will be spent reminiscing with my friends over Friday and Saturday’s events while watching football, drinking beer and eating greasy fried foods for ten hours.”

“It sounds thrilling.”

“It occurs to me that you and I could save ourselves a lot of trouble by just sleeping together one of these nights. For you, I might even stick around long enough to let you make me breakfast.”

“A wonderful offer, Mr. Ripley, and I will give it fair consideration if I ever become so despairingly in need of sex that all other options seem too much work.”

“Agreed. You’re a nice looking woman, Melissa, so I’m guessing that day will never come.”

“God willing, sir. Good night.”

Watching her walk away, I was reminded of Brock’s take on her. “She makes my balls shrivel, but in a nice way.” I had no idea what he meant, and had been too drunk to ask. But it sounded cool.