A Sense of Community
an excerpt

Kari opened up her phone. Should I just text her? She had actually watched Gia do that to one of her dates when they were at Hamburger Mary’s. She pulled up Deb’s name from her contact list. None of this was her style. She had never broken up with anyone in her life. She was always the dumpee. This sudden role reversal was both empowering and frightening.

Her thumb shook as she scrolled down to Deb’s home number. It was the right thing to do. It wasn’t working. It was time she set a boundary for once in her life. Now was the time. She pressed the call button.

Her breath came in spurts as the line connected and she heard it ringing. One ring…two rings…shit, she’s not there. Could she dump her via voice mail?

“Hello?” Fuck. She was there.

“Uh, uh, hi Deb!”

“Hey, sweetie! What’s up?” Damn, she was in her perky, I’m not afraid of intimacy mood.

“Listen, Deb. We’ve got to talk.” How am I supposed to do this? Step by step or just come right out?

“Yeah? What about?” Deb’s voice was so sweet and innocent right now, Kari felt as if she was about to club a seal.

“It’s about our date last week. We had planned…you had planned for us to spend the whole day together and then right after lunch you suddenly had something you had to do.”

“Oh, yeah. I am sorry about that. I had totally forgotten that I had to take Ghost to the vet. You know he’s had this infected tearduct that just keeps coming back.”

Am I overreacting? No, this will just keep happening. “You know when we went to Sedona last month and we had to come home suddenly because you had to do laundry for that job interview the next day?”

“I know. My schedule’s been so crazy lately. Please don’t be angry, baby. I really…”

“Deb! I’m not angry,” she explained, even as she could feel the tone of her voice get that edge, “but I’m tired of you bailing in the middle of our dates. You bailed on my birthday. You bailed when we went to Girl Club. I realize you have a crazy schedule what with looking for a job and everything, but fuck!

“At first I thought it was me, that you didn’t want date me. But then you kept scheduling these big dates and then bailing. I realized it’s not me. It’s you, Deb. And whether it’s that you’re legitimately forgetting your other appointments or whatever, this isn’t the kind of relationship I want to be in.”

“Kari, come on! I love you!” Kari’s fist tightened, part in frustration, part in summoning the strength to do what she knew she must do.

“I know you do, Debbie, but this com’ere, com’ere, go’way, go’way shit has gotten old. I don’t think you’re a bad person, but jeez. I just need a little more stability in my life. I mean, fuck! I’m barely 6 months sober.”

“It’s Colin, isn’t it?” she said.

“No, Deb. It’s not Colin.”

“Cause that fucker has been against us being together since day one.”

“Yes, he’s had some reservations about me dating so soon after getting sober, but that’s not why I’m breaking up with you.”

“So that’s it? You’re breaking up with me. No second chances.”

“Second chances? Deb, I mentioned this after we got back from Sedona.”

“Okay, fuck. Third chances, whatever. Kari, I can’t deal with this shit right now. And it’s not like you’ve called me in the past week.”

“Yeah, well, the phone works both ways. I’ve spent the past several days trying to figure out what I should do.”

“Fine.” The click at the other end announced to Kari that the deed was done. It was over. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.

Kari pulled into the last available space in the tiny Lambda Center parking lot. She crushed out her Marlboro red in the crowded ashtray of her Nissan pickup, as she rolled up the window with her other hand. I have got to get this A/C fixed, she whispered. This heat is gonna kill me before these cigarettes do. Goddamn desert heat!

She walked past the smokers and through Lambda’s back door. The swamp coolers were just enough to keep the warm room from making the heat totally oppressive, but the din made it hard to hear people speaking in the group.
She low-fived Nita as she sat down in the open chair next to her, just as her friend Terri finished reading the Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous.

“The fourth meeting of the month is an open discussion meeting so you are free to discuss any personal, program-related topic.”

Colin’s hand popped up before Kari could raise hers. Fuck!

“My name is Colin and I’m an alcoholic.”

“Hi Colin,” echoed the room.

Kari listened half-heartedly as Colin detailed his frustrations and fears over being in a relationship with his Asian American partner. She tried focusing on Colin’s words. After all, he was her sponsor. But something in the patterns on the linoleum kept drawing your attention back to Debbie. She felt hollow. Wasn’t setting boundaries supposed to be a good thing? She ached to feel Debbie’s curves, to be held in her strong, truck driver arms.

“I actually like that he’s different. I love our wonderful differences. But I can’t help feeling like there is a part of him that I can never reach. I don’t know if it’s that Vietnamese stoicism or if there is a wall sealing off his past, but I feel left out when he…”

It was the right thing to do, she reassured herself. It was the same relationship I’ve had every time, just with different faces. And every time it’s turned ugly. Every time it made her drinking worse. She was so grateful to be sober now, to not have to wake up not knowing where she is, to not have to invent an excuse for missing work, to not have to be afraid of being stopped as she drove home. Colin was right. Now was not the time to be stumbling through another fucked up relationship.

“And my girlfriend shared with me this cool prayer….” Gia was sharing now, grinning stupidly at her new girlfriend sitting beside her. “It goes, and correct me if I’m wrong, princess, ‘God, may I be treated today the way I treated others yesterday.’ When I heard that, I got so scared because it really made me realize how shitty I treat people sometimes and I thought, ‘God, do I really want to be treated like that?’ It really…”

How does she do it, Kari asked herself. How does she go through a different girlfriend every week or so? How can she hook up and dump ‘em so easily? Typical stripper, I guess.

“We have just a few minutes left, if anyone else has a burning desire to share.” Kari’s hand shot up.

“My name’s Kari and I’m an alcoholic.”

The groups response was like a wave of support that suddenly let loose a wash of unanticipated emotion.

“I….” She couldn’t think of how to start. How can she fit what she wanted to say into just a few minutes. “I…I’m just grateful to be here.”

“Thanks, Kari,” chimed the group.