Excerpt: I Am Not a Monster

Leaves of Laurel

“I am about to be a god.” Herman Hateratch shoved a clammy fist into the air as his wife, Minnie, squealed.

Herman glanced up for a minute to watch her do a little dance, her pregnant belly keeping her earth bound. Then he turned his attention back to his computer monitor. His hand twitched on the mouse. He, Herman Virgil Hateratch, was about to become the first bearer of the laurel crown in the greatest role-playing game ever, Leaves of Laurel.

A scream broke his concentration.

He turned to look at Minnie. She was standing in a puddle of water.
“It’s coming.” Her face was white against her gingery hair. She clutched her flowing Grecco-Roman garb above the spreading puddle, a lily pinned over her left ear. Even eight months pregnant, Minnie always dressed like her LOL character.

Herman swallowed a frustrated yell. He was on the last code. Just one more riddle and he would have it.

“The baby, Herman.” Minnie added as if there could be some slight possibility that Herman did not understand. “I want to go. I want to go now.”

“It’s early.” Herman’s voice was tight. He tried to focus on opening that golden egg. The prize within called to him.

“I know. Three weeks.” Minnie’s voice broke.

“Maybe it’s a false alarm. The doctor said these things happen with first pregnancies, remember?” He pulsed the “S” key with his left ring finger. “Where are all these monsters coming from?”

“Herman,” Minnie leaned in and peeped at his computer screen. “My water broke. That doesn’t happen during false alarms.”

“But you’re not in any pain. Isn’t there pain during real labor, too? It could still be hours.” He would find the crown by then. He just knew this was the real thing, this time. Not another dead-end like all those others. It was a golden egg for godsakes.
None of the other bloggers had ever written about a golden egg.

“Try taking a walk on the beach. It might help.”

Minnie was silent. Herman squinted at the computer screen. He had to get that egg open. But how? His breath came in short small gasps.

“Will you come with me? I don’t want to go alone.”

Ah, that’s it. Herman’s eyes momentarily dilated. He entered the answer to the riddle. The egg formed a hairline crack. He typed as fast as the laptop could register the his key strokes.

“Of course I will.” His voice was slow monotone. “What kind of anniversary would it be if I didn’t? That’s why we came.”

Herman’s tongue found a pocket in his cheek.

“Just give me one . . . more . . . second.”

The golden egg cracked. Broke clean in two. Herman raised both fists in the air this time and threw his head back, doing his best evil genius laugh. Minnie squealed again and bent to kiss him.

But it was for nothing. There was another egg inside of the first egg. Herman’s hand darted back to the mouse. Not exactly what he expected. But he was getting somewhere.

There was a smothered groan behind him. Then he heard his wife sigh.

“I love you.” Minnie whispered softly into his ear. She squeezed his shoulder tight at first and then with an inhuman grip, pushing him into the floor. Her hand fell slack and she backed away.

“I love you.” Herman reciprocated. Darn egg.