Excerpt: A Beautiful Theory: Convergence, Connectedness and Continuity in M-Space

“You’re going where?”

“To Chicago.”

“OK, I’ll bite. Why are you going to Chicago?”

“To meet someone”

“Someone.”

“Yes, someone.”

“Would this someone happen to have a penis?”

“How can I know that if I haven’t met him?”

“Your pronoun use is all I need to hear, thank you.”

“Fine, I’m going to Chicago to meet a guy. Are you happy?”

“No, not yet. How do you know this guy is in Chicago waiting to be met, and why do you think you want to meet him any more than you already have, since you must have met him in one context or another otherwise you would have no reason to go all the way to Chicago to meet him even further?”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Yes, but hearing you and having any idea what you’re talking about are apparently two completely different things.” Alex paused to light a cigarette. “OK, I met him online and I’m going to Chicago to meet him in person, are you happy now?”

“Why are you smoking? I thought you were quitting?”

“Quitting and quit aren’t the same. I am quitting, I just haven’t quit.”

“Nice. Fine, if you’re going to smoke, I’m going to drink coffee.”

“Gee, that hurt. Why do I care if you drink coffee?”

“You don’t, but I have to go make some so you need to hang on.”

Alex flinched at the sound of Amanda dropping the phone, almost dropping her cigarette on the cat, who did not appreciate the sudden movement and jumped off of Alex’s lap. “You would have liked the lit cigarette hitting you on the nose even less, kitty mine, trust me. Your Aunt Amanda is a klutz and an idiot, you know that.”

Amanda set the coffee maker to brew half a pot and returned to the phone. “So, tell me. The guy, how you found him, what you’ve had to talk about so far and the likelihood that you two will have sex at some point while you’re both in Chicago.”

“You assume we’ll have sex.”

“I assume that if he’s worth going all the way to Chicago from Sacramento to meet, he’s probably worth sleeping with once you get there, yes. Are you not operating on that same assumption? Why are you going otherwise?”

Alex stubbed out her cigarette and immediately reached for another, but put it down before she lit it. On the verge of quitting and chain-smoking did not go hand in hand. She picked it up again, just to have something to hold. “OK, I’ll grant you that. There’s potential there, there’s a likelihood. He’s… well, he’s a big cuddly cute guy.”

Amanda made a noise that landed somewhere between a snort and a sigh. “You think he’s a big cuddly cute guy. You can’t know that.”

Alex lit the cigarette she had just wanted to hold without even realizing she was doing so. “No, he’s a big cuddly cute guy, I’ve seen pictures other than on his online profile, he has pictures other places, and somehow I really doubt his faculty page at the university where he teaches is faked just so the pictures match up, that seems like a bit of a stretch.”

“Whoa, hang on, university? Faculty? This guy has a brain?”

“No, Amanda, he’s a total dumbass that I just really want to fly all the way to Chicago to fuck. Haven’t you figured that out yet, that that’s my goal in life, to waste my money on plane tickets to fly all over the United States to fuck really stupid guys in places where I’ll never live? Don’t you know me at least that well yet?”

“Damn, are we a little sensitive? Did we catch us on a bad day?”

“Shut up and go get your damn coffee, I hear it gurgling.”

“I don’t have to shut up for that, I can pour it with one hand, I just can’t make it with one hand. OK, I’m sorry I implied that you would fly halfway across the country to fuck a dumbass. Still friends?”

“You and me, or me and the dumbass?”

“You and me. Are you friends with the dumbass?”

“I’m certainly friends with at least one, judging by that question.”

“OK, ouch. Ouch and uncalled for.”

Alex stubbed out yet another cigarette. “Yes, we’re friends. We actually talk a lot, about a lot of stuff. He seems like a really great guy. And I don’t think his pictures are faked, not just because of the faculty page thing, just because if he was going to fake pictures I don’t think these are the pictures he would use. He’s… in the pictures he really is a big cuddly cute guy, but not so cute that those would be fake pictures, does that make sense? He’s cute in the ‘I’m just a regular guy except for the fact that I’m twelve times smarter than just about anyone else you will ever meet in your life’ way. His brain is a big part of his cute, if you just saw the pictures you probably wouldn’t think he was nearly as cute as you think he is when you put the pictures next to all the smart. And he really is smart. God, you think I’m smart?”

“Sometimes I wonder…”

“OK, ouch and uncalled for back at you, except that was a revenge ouch so I guess that’s all the called for you need.”

“It is indeed.”

“OK, anyway. Even as smart as I am, this guy is… shit, he’s so smart it’s almost scary.”

“Well, the whole ‘I teach at a university’ thing would tend to imply a certain level of intelligence not found in your average burger flipper.”

“Yeah, but even for what he does he’s smart.”

“How old is he?”

“He’s forty eight.”

“I take it he’s divorced?”

“No… not that I know of…”

“Annnnd… why… are you trailing off when you say that? He’s never been married? That’s weird for that age bracket, and that, well, that lifestyle, unless he’s got a heavy female student habit to support.”

“No, I don’t think he’s like that.”

“Then why hasn’t he ever been married? You need to look for red flags, honey, how many times do I need to remind you to look for the red flags?”

“I’m not overlooking any red flags, I see the red flags here, trust me.”

“Well, a forty eight year old really intelligent very cute and cuddly guy who’s never been married is a big red flag in my book, I’m sorry. That just doesn’t seem right.”

Alex reached for a third cigarette while Amanda refilled her coffee cup. There was a full moment of silence while Alex considered how exactly to explain the red flag that she wasn’t ignoring but also wasn’t exactly heeding. Amanda finally broke the silence.

“What are you not telling me?”

“Well… I didn’t say he had never been married. I just said he had never been divorced.”

“Oh no, did his wife die? Oh shit, that’s awful, honey, I’m so sorry. Damn, she must have been young if he’s only forty eight.”

“Well…”

“Well… I really don’t like all those ‘wells’ that you’re using.”

“Um…”

“And um is no better than well as far as conveying the information that I’m requesting here. Alexandra Monique, are you telling me that he’s never been divorced and I shouldn’t worry that there’s something wrong with him because he’s never been married because he’s still married? Is that what I’m supposed to be gleaning from all your ums and wells and all the other things that you aren’t saying? Is that what I’m hearing?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe my ass, you stupid bitch! And you’re flying all the way to Chicago to meet him. You are flying to him, you don’t even have the… the … the whatever it is that makes you understand that if you’re going to do something stupid you at least make the stupid thing come to you!”