Felicia Sparkly....I Gotta Go Change
an excerpt

Introduction- Here we go people. My alter ego is Felicia Sparkly. She is about 186 years old and still strong. Well actually, she’s been dead for five years...but don’t tell her that. While I admit having an alter ego is challenging (especially one who has a drinking problem and who admits to the fact that she can’t remember the last time she was sober). But, all the more fun. I’m sure as your reading this, your wondering 186 years old? Wouldn’t that make her the oldest person alive. And the answer is yes...but apparently they don’t offer birth certificates to alter egos. They say she can’t a product of way too much imagination and boredom. Oh well, (life lesson: imagination and boredom are a deadly combination kids). Kids? No no no children should not be reading this book. I advise you that if you are under the age of 13 and reading this book, to march you behind downstairs and slap your parents for not controlling your reading material. Oh, hell the parental advisory just makes you want to read it more. Kids, read on and tell your parents about your new colorful vocabulary. (Life lesson: cuss words don’t demean your speech, they make it more exciting and just fucking great!) Well, I guess if you are watching A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila on MTV this can’t be that bad. Well, a little about me- I am 15 years old and a sophomore at Cranford High School. Yeah it’s worse than it sounds. Well my high school is okay...we are a national school of character. Our character includes an overwhelming dependence on marijuana and alcohol (not the good drinking Felicia Sparkly does, the bad drinking where kids just act like dumb asses). My wonderful school is headed by the wonderful and inspiring Ms. Grossi. Ms. Grossi has taught me not to save up money for her plastic surgery because no amount could fix that hag. But I will say Felicia is a big fan of the botox...in fact she is so loaded up with botulism she can’t even frown...or smile, or squint, or move her face in any manor...regardless, she still looks weeks younger after every injection. Anyway, on to Felicia’s biography...well I let her explain it to you later but here’s a couple side notes: no she never was friends with Atilla the Hun, she never climbed mount everest, and no she wasn’t the curer of bubonic plague. But if you read between the lines, you can learn a lot from Felicia...such as talking about the time you stalked someone within 10 minutes of introducing yourself is not a wise decision if you want to make friends. Another fact, DON’T GET TOO COMFORTABLE. Frankly Felicia loves to create awkward moments.. . .so if at anytime while reading you feel squirmy and embarrassed feel free to put down the book. Who knows, you may read this book 8 times or most likely you’ll put it back on the shelf after 10 minutes...well, maybe only 5 minutes. Just so you know, I may be piping in at times of the book to give my two cents or maybe just one cent because I am really poor and I would like to keep my pennies. But if I do decide to be generous, you can easily distinguish my input because I will be (talking like this ) For your information my comments will be translated into wingdings as well because I want to lengthen the word count and reach out to people who speak wingdingsian. I guess I will prompt Felicia to start at the beginning, (a very good place to start lalala...Oh and also I’ll have you know I love musicals so if a song randomly pops up thank moi ) Haha see I’m building bridges with imaginary cultures with every comment. Oh well Felicia you’re on!
“Well go fuck yourself I gotta go change”
Ladies and gentlemen I present to you my novel, Felicia Sparkly...I gotta go change.

2- Who are you people? Ah yes you’re my audience...ladies and gentlemen I don’t have any monologue so I will just be speaking from the top of my head...a stream of consciousness story...it will be rather zen like. Wait let me take a shot, to take the pain away. all right, well la dee fucking da here we go.

I was born dirt poor in Melbourne Australia (no actually she was born in Yonkers New York) Yes Australia, god damnit what a wasted youth. I guess I’ll start with my father. My father’s name was Peter Taylor...and yes Patti did get the name from combining Peter Allen and Elizabeth Taylor. (Hey go to Rio with your pain medication...hahaha only I and a select few get that joke).
Well my father was an employee at the traveling Grand Old Time Carnival. Yes, my father was a carny. Now you may shudder and exclaim “carnys are sly, dishonest, lying people. And why thank you yes they are. Anyway, my father was a wonderfully entertaining gentlemen, when he was drunk. Why yes alcohol brought out the best in him, as does the same and me. When my father was sober, gosh darnit he was so boring. Lalalala everything had to be on time schedule and pay your bills, or else you might be evicted lalalala snore fucking snore snore snore. But, when he put some Jack Daniels in him, well it just brought out the lighter side of life.
Suddenly he became more adventurous and spontaneous. Like one time when he had been drinking he got into a fight with fellow aussie Hugh Jackman, yes Hugh Jackman is older than you think. (No actually it was not Hugh Jackman....he had not been born yet....and he is really 39...his wife on the other hand, she might be older than you think. I mean have you seen her.....MAJOR EWWW!...she looks like if Garth˙ Algar from Wayne’s World and Andy Warhol hooked up and had a secret love child...I know gross right. Well , I guess he loves her because she lets him have a boyfriend. Haha so true. Ohh okay gossip, one time Boy George saw Hugh Jackman getting quite close and snuggly with a fellow male companion. But I’m sure they were just exchanging i deas about scientology. Okay here is where I stand on scientology...if your a scientologist then you are fucking nuts and seriously go away. But anyway back to Hugh Jackman, so yeah Boy George saw his rendezvous with another man. Yeah Boy George also has a pretty bad cocaine problem and cocaine can sometimes make you hallucinate, but I’m pretty sure the Hugh Jackman episode was true...I mean he did Peter Allen pretty well in The Boy From Oz.) Fists were flaring and bottles were breaking my father was surprised a man as gay as Hugh Jackman could fight so well...I’ll have you know my father knew and applied all of the stereotypes in the world...shoot he even made up some...apparently all blind people knew karate. So after a long fight my father managed to pin Hugh Jackman up against the wall and beat the shit out of his scientology ass. Just before Hugh Jackman passed out, my father looked at me and said”This is what you do to a person who refuses to sign an autograph”. So for all my life that has been sort of a personal motto for me. Well, who do you think gagged, tied up, and stripped naked Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband Prince Frederic Van Anhalt...yet again a joke only I and a select few will understand. While I admit, that motto has gotten me into trouble....hence my jail stay...but we’ll get to that later...It has done me much good in the world. Much good, is that how you say it? Well, I don’t know, I’m not an english major. (It goes around the world just lalalalala....ha I’m listening to that ATC song...remember it from a few years back? Ohh it just brings back major memories....thank god for Youtube.)

3- The saddest day in my life was when I was 10 years old and my father decided to leave the family. Leaving me to stay with my mother. Aww yes my mother. I’ll have you know my mother was umm how do I put it interesting. You see, ladies and gentlemen my mother had dreams of stardom from a very young age. However, her only glimpse of fame was when she played an extra on the short lived CBS sitcom Viva Laughlin. Now the puzzling fact is that my mother had been dead for fifteen years before Viva Laughlin was on the air. You’ll have to ask Patti how that happened. (Honestly I really don’t know...my best guess is a saiance gone wrong but the actual answer may never be known.) Well, my mother instilled in me to always suck up you emotions and appear happy because a major Hollywood director may be around the corner...yeah I know like a major director was going to take a pit stop in Yonkers New York...I mean Melbourne Australia. So everyday before I went to school I put on my favorite shade of burgandy lipstick and took of shot of gin and threw on a plastic smile and I was out the door. You right now may be cringing right now and be accusing my mother with being way too obsessed with outward appearance. But, ladies and gentlemen that is the only way to live. I mean honestly if you have a problem at home, frankly no one wants to hear about it. Life is all about looking good instead of feeling and doing good. Besides alcohol can fix all your problems. You know I always say that the thing about addiction is that it focuses you...you know gives you something too look foward to. Yes over the years alcohol has given me unconditional love...perhaps the best friendship I’ve ever had in my life.
My mother worked at at one of those bars where women dance in order to make other men happy...what do you call it...oh yes a strip joint. Yes my mother shook her tailfeather night after night for thirty years straight. All to make married men a little bit happier. Yes I know she was such a giver. You know, i don’t condemn stripping. I mean hey, If you’ve got you looks and a hot body then why not. And even if you’re ugly then still why not. It’s a wonderful way to make a living. I started stripping when I was 13. The best decision of my life. It made me realize that devaluing yourself for money can make you happy because money makes you happy.
I can remember my first time on the pole like it was yesterday...wait a minute, it was yesterday....ask Patti how that happened. (Once again I do not know...my best guess is some sort of time machine where the only way to get it to work is to dance the time warp...It just a jump to the left. And then a step to the right. With your hands on your hips. You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. Let's do the time-warp again...wow I love the Rocky Horror Picture Show.) In the dark of the club my name was called. Then nervously I came out from back stage. The song Radio Gaga by Queen came over the loudspeaker. Yet again you will have to ask Patti why Radio Gaga was playing because it was 1953 and Queen wasn’t around until the 1980’s. (Ughh I don’t know...look if you are still reading this book the I think you understand by now that I did not fact check my sources.) I was shaking with excitment. “All we hear is radio GAGA”. Slowly I braced myself up against the pole and spun. And spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun....wow you read all the way through that....hey this novel needs 50,000 words. Well anyway, ladies and gentlemen before my spinning I had drank a whole bottle of gin. Not a good idea. Bygoneit I had spun myself into a nauseas mess. I felt dizzy and my head started to spin. Then in an instant I vomited all over the man I was giving a lap dance to. Furiously he stood up and started screaming “you stupid drunken ugly whore control your stomach”. Well, after that I had just had it. I pulled off my pair of 6 inch clear plastic heels and ripped off my fake nails and went to town. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over I hit they guy. I’m surprised he even live through my beating. I mean I did jab the heel a couple times in his heart. Needless to say the strip club did not hire me ever again. I wonder why? I was always so nice to the customers....hmmm oh well. Well after that night I started working at a different joint. This place was called The Electrical Fox. Yes that name never made much sense to me either. Well, after 3 years of dancing I was...let me find the right words.....thrown...no...kicked...nah.....well, let me put it this way, I’ve never left anyplace without being asked to leave first. (Sadly this is true.) You know, it’s a wonderful way to live. Just do whatever you want. It’s a rather zen like existance. You know, when it’s time to leave...they’ll let you know. Ain’t no enigma there. Anyway, was I was asked to leave the Electrical Fox because I was pregnant. It was sort of like the virgin mother of god...except I knew how it happened. After 11 1/2 months my first child Brady was born. Oh yes I loved Brady. Let me tell you something all these fucking doctors and medical professionals think they know everything. Well ladies and gentlemen let me tell you...they are all fucking wrong. They all say ohh don’t drink when your pregnant because it might harm the baby. You want to know what I think (NO! NO!) well to fucking bad Patti I’m telling them anyway. I think that whatever doesn’t kill the baby makes it stronger. Had I not drank all throughout my pregnancy then Brady would not always be the designated driver. That son of a gun can drink 40 shots and still act sober enough to pass the sobriety test. 18 times tested and never booked for DUI. He can thank his mother for that. That bastard hasn’t seen me in 25 years. Jeez the last time I saw him I was visiting him in Washington D.C. There he and my cousins staged what they like to call an intervention. Well, I got a little perturbed and one of the terms of my parole was that I had to go to rehab. Now ladies and gentlemen, I don’t mind rehab. I don’t mind. It’s a nice little vacation. You know it doesn’t last long. Well rehab was a blast let me tell you that. You think I went to rehab to solve my problems and address my feelings of abandonment...uh No. Thats what I have my best friend alcohol for. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no I went for a vacation. For the best vacation i went to to the Promises rehab center in Malibu California. There I saw such celebrities as Britney Spears, Robert Downey Junior, Lindsay Lohan, Paula Poundstone, Rufus Rainwright, Andy Dick, Ben Affleck, and Matthew Perry. You know, all the people that really don’t want to get better. Ohh gossip, let me tell you something Ben Affleck did not have a drinking problem, he just had a bad bender in vegas that was caught on tape. So Promises was just career damage control...you know clear his name. And no amount of rehab could save Andy Dick...Andy Dick is my favorite junkie. Well, Promises was awesome. I had a private chef, daily massage sessions, and my own plunge pool in the room. Ohh it was just AMAZING. One of my best memories from rehab was when Andy Dick, Britney Spears, and myself decided to act out the show Dateline to Catch a Predator. Andy Dick was the pervert (big stretch there) Britney was the child, and me I was Chris Hansen. In fact I might even have a transcript from there....hmmm.....looky....look....look....ah yes here it is. (Okay before Felicia gets started I must warn you that some people may be offended...apparantly pedophilia is not most amusing of topics....but however, if you do find transcript amusing, then WELCOME TO THE CLUB. You my friend are member of the disgustingly untasteful sense of humor club shall we sing the song for all the inductees...yes okay......ready, 1 2 3...
I hope that our few remaining friends
give up on trying to save us.
I hope we come up with a fail-safe plot
to piss off the dumb few that forgave us.
I hope the fences we mended fall down beneath their own weight.
And I hope we hang on past the last exit;
I hope its already too late.
And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
someday burns down;
and I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away,
and i never come back to this town again.

in my life,
i hope i lie,
and tell everyone you were a good wife.
and i hope you die!
i hope we both die!

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow;
I hope it bleeds all day long.
Our friends say its darkest before the sun rises,
we're pretty sure they're all wrong.
I hope it stays dark forever.
I hope the worst isn't over.
I hope you blink before I do.
I hope I never get sober.
And I hope when you think of me years down the line,
you can't find one good thing to say.
And i'd hope that if I'd found the strength to walk out,
you'd stay the hell out of my way.

lalalalalalalalalalalala

i am drowning.
there is no sign of land.
you are coming down with me,
hand in unloveable hand.
and i hope you die!
i hope we both die!

Okay thats enough of that song)

4- Andy- I’m HERE!!!
Britney- Hey y’all come on in
Andy- FUCK YOU
Britney- y’all Just sit over there on the chair...listen I just spilled vodka y’all all up on my shirt and I need to go wash it y’all.
Andy- Do you have any vodka for me?
Britney- Naa uhh y’all my baby just done drank it all up he’s a thirsty sucker y’all
Andy- Aw shit could this get any worse
Felicia- Why yes it can
Andy- [starts sobbing] I didn’t mean to
Felicia- You mean you didn’t mean to send her a video of you doing the time warp naked?
Andy- Well I just wanted to teach her
Felicia- You wanted to teach her how to do the time warp naked?
Andy- Uhh yeah
Felicia- I find that hard to believe
Andy- I sent it to her because I have no talent
Felicia- While I believe you have no talent don’t you think you could of sent her different videos?
Andy- If there was a video of me doing something talented don’t you think I would send it around the world
Felicia- Hmm that is true
Andy- [hysterical crying] I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
Felicia- ENOUGH I DON’T CARE IF YOU ARE TRYING TO INCREASE THE WORD COUNT OF THIS NOVEL, THAT WAS JUST ANNOYING!!! But anyway if you are sorry....well, you know what I always say- If you weren’t molseted when you were younger then you must of been an ugly child
Britney- Felicia y’all didn’t done watch the marathon on MSNBC today....that is not how it goes.
Felicia- I didn’t watch it I was out drinking
Britney- Really what alcohol did y’all done drink
Felicia- Jack Daniels
Britney- Southern Whisky woo hoo y’all that done be some mighty fine good stuff
Andy- You are all looking at me like I’m a faggot. You think I’m a faggot. Well let me tell you something, YOU’RE THE FAGS FAGGOTS... YOU’RE THE FAGS.
Britney and Felicia- ANDY!
Andy- Sorry I just need some fucking attention
Britney- Well y’all anyway Felicia y’all the show don’t let those peverts get off, y’all you got to be like mad at them y’all
Felicia- Oh I see
Felicia- Do you know who I am
Andy- No I’m too high to know who I even am
Felicia- Well my name is Chris Hansen and I’m from dateline NBC
Andy- You mean this is going to be on TV?
Felicia- Yes as a matter of fact it is
Andy- Well yay fucking yay
Felicia- you’re free to go now
Andy- [mocks being tackled beaten and arrested by the police]
Britney- y’all great job. Y’all done did the bestest job in the world. Andy you need an oscar for that performance
Andy- Well thanks a fucking bunch.

5- Why yes I had a grand old time in rehab. Yes it was great. We had rehab in the morning, I went shopping during the day, and drinking at night. Then the same thing the next day. Ohh it was the best vacation of my life. While rehab was fun and dandy, like all good things it had to come to an end. Well, after rehab those bastards gave me a bill for 50,000 dollars. Apparantly professional “help” doesn’t come cheap. Well, to pay off my debts I found a lovely job performing at a vacation resort up in....oh what’s it called?....the pokapies.....the poapoos.....what is it? (The Pocanos.) Thanks Patti. You know I almost had it but then you and your ideas had to but in. Well night after night I performed at the resort in the Pokapies. And boy do I have stories from there. But, I’ll get to my stories later, first I must teach readers my life lessons on money. (Note: Please do not ever under circumstances apply these lesson to your life. Let me tell you if you do any of things Felicia is about to list the it may result in alienation of loved ones, an FBI file, deportation, debt, and/or death...actually most like ly death. JUST NEVER DO IT!.)

Lesson One- Credit cards are a lovely way to pay off debts. If you reach your limits on one card, just charge it on another card and vise versa

Lesson Two- Robbing banks = quick cash

Lesson Three- Don’t be a prostitute, be a madame. They don’t sleep with the guys and still get half the cut

Lesson Four- Alcohol is a necessity just like food and clothing are

Lesson Five- If you lock your keys in your apartment don’t hire a locksmith, just buy a new apartment

Lesson Six- Marry rich and divorce well

Lesson Seven- Don’t live at your house because that is where the FBI looks first

Lesson Eight- Having debt makes you human

Lesson Nine- It’s only counterfit if it is Monopoly money

Lesson Ten- Fake your death and collect the life insurance.

(ONCE AGAIN PLEASE DO NOT FOLLOW THE LESSONS...IN FACT RAISE YOU RIGHT HAND AND RECITE - I UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WILL NOT FOLLOW OR APPLY THE LESSON TO MY LIFE.)

There you have it, my life lessons on money. Please use these everyday and reap the rewards. Just remember to thank me when your life becomes amazing.

But back to the Pokapies. Yes I remember when I first saw him, Jamarcus. He was a fine gentlemen. Perfect in everyway. I just loved the way he would gaze at me. When looked ever so intently in my eyes sometimes I did not know whether he wanted to make love to me or kill me. Hmm, maybe it was a little of both. Well, Jamarcus was a lovely fellow. But you see ladies and gentlemen, I was a little slow to realize Jamarcus was interested in me. But the thing is he wasn’t subtle. Every night Jarmarcus would watch me sing my act. Now I’m not one to put on heirs (Yes you are.) YOU KNOW WHAT PATTI, YOU AND YOUR FUCKING COMMENTS.....JUST STOP IT...I KNOW WHO I AM AND YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL ME!....SO TAKE YOUR TWO CENTS AND STICK WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE. (YOU DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE...IN CASE YOU ARE FORGETTING, I AM THE ONE THAT CREATED YOU...REMEMBER? TOO MUCH IMAGINATION AND BOREDOM!.) AHH HELL TO THE NO I GOT MY OWN THOUGHTS AND IDEAS YOU DON’T NEED TO HELP ME WITH NOTHING! I’M PRETTY SURE I WOULD DO JUST FINE ON MY OWN. (OH YEAH?.) YEAH. (OH YEAH?.) YEAH. (OH YEAH?.) LOOK BITCH I DON’T NEED YOU AND THIS BOOK DON’T NEED YOU. (WELL FINE THEN MAYBE I’LL LEAVE.) THEN LEAVE. (YOU KNOW WHAT THIS ALTER EGO THING IS OVER YOU AND ME ARE THROUGH...GOODBYE.) DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT!
Uggh where were we, ah yes the Pokapies and Jamarcus. Yes, every single night Jarmarcus would watch me perform. And now I can say without interruption that I am never one to put on heirs. But I will say that I am the best singer in the world. I mean Aretha Franklin ain’t got nothing on my vocal ability. God looks up to me for inspiration. So when Jamarcus was seeing my shows I just figured that he was just going for his listening pleasure. But for some reason he would hang out after the show and make small talk. Or at least I thought it was small talk. Who knows, I was so drunk that he might of been making small talk or he might of been raping me. Now after about 3 months of Jarmarcus attending all of my shows it hit me like a ton of bricks. Jarmarcus liked me. (Psst. don’t tell Felicia I’m here but the truth is Jarmarcus liked her because she got free drinks at the bar.) Hmm maybe it was the tequila talking. But when I found out Jarmarcus liked me, I started hitting higher notes in my act, teasing my hair up a little more, and wearing a more electric shade of lipstick. All to get my man. Well let me tell you something, after my slutty “ahem” sultry makeover Jarmarcus finally asked me out. One night after the show, he knocked on my dressing room....a real gentleman....and nervously said “would you like to go for a ride on Sunday”? Well at first I said no. Sunday is the lords day and I know I am not one of many morals, but I will say that I will never have hankie pankie on Sunday. But it turns out he meant a ride in his car. Well, after the confusion was figured out, I immedietly accepted. All the rest of the week the only thing I could think about was my upcoming date. You see, I actually liked Jamarcus. While I have dated in the past, I was never this nervous. The week seemed to go by so slowly. For all I know It might of gone in reverse. Oh yes, I am definitely sure it went in reverse. Tuesday’s tomorrow was yestersay’s today. Hmm that didn’t make much sense. Well neither has much of this novel. Actually when you think about it, a lot of things don’t make sense. Like why Mr. Carroll believes he is gods gift to the universe when really he is just a arrogant, egotistical, chauvanistic, jerk who needs to get that fucking pole out of his ass. As you are gasping now it gets worse...Mr. Carroll is also a republican. You ever like somebody and then you find out he/she is a republican and you’re like ohh I’m out. This is a lesson to all of the single women reading this book, never marry a republican....they are boderline crazy “ahem” I mean devout Christians. You know when Mr. Carroll dies of AIDS because the only man who would hook up with him is an infected meth-head at the gay bathhouses the world will cry “Halleluia”. You know thats why I keep on living just so I can see the day when Mr. Carroll kicks the bucket. Yes, a lot of things don’t make much sense...funny how that is.
But finally Sunday came and I was a panicy mess that morning. You see, I never really was a good dater. But I felt something around Jamarcus and I did not want to lose that feeling. So I had to prepare to edit myself. Talking about stalking people, alcohol, strip clubs, rehab, and especially Andy Dick were off limits.
So later that day I heard a knock at my room and.....and......and....oh I forget what happened I need something to refresh my memory. Oh what to do alcohol only takes the pain away. Gee, If Patti were here she would know exactly what happened.
after all she did create me. NO NO NO what am I saying me and Patti are through forever. Well maybe I’ll call her. You know to catch up on old times sake....keep this a secret but I kind of miss her comments. They gave me time to drink. Now look at me my blood alcohol level has dropped below 0.2. No wonder I’m starting to feel depressed. Hmmm. Ring ring hello Patti? (Felicia, why are you calling me I am you besides we are arguing remember?.) Yes, but I just wanted to see how things were going for you. I kind of miss you. (You do?.) Well, yeah kinda would you like to give us another shot? (I really don’t know, I’m going to need to think this over) Please just answer me tell-- (me baby girl cause I need to know...lalala...I need to know .) Oh Patti! Is that a yes? (I guess another try couldn’t hurt.) OHH YAY! Umm...ahh...look by the way, could you remind me of where I am? (Uggh alright.....you just getting ready to go on a date with Jamarcus....he knocks at your door....you answer the door and Jamarcus is standing there all debonair with a single red rose.)
Oh yes of course. So I heard a knock at my door. Just then, my heart went a flutter. (Felicia, I recommend doing this part in poetry it will add zip and possibly words to the novel.) You know what Patti let us go for it.

I heard a knock at my door
My gut sunk to the floor
Was Jamarcus really sure
But I mean I did cure
Bubonic Plague
But his knowledge of this was vague
Knock again the door went
Oh god my angel is being sent
from the heavens to my flask
oh this gin better act fast
Felicia are you there he cried
I was but what I really wanted to do was hide
Felicia come on we’re going to be late
I didn’t know what to anticipate
Was he a great guy
Or just one big lye
It is a risk I must take
But I’d rather sit here and procrastinate
Felicia please
oh no I feel a sneeze
Felicia your rhyme doesn’t make sense
Neither does Mr. Carroll for the reasons I stated above
(Ok Felecia I think this poetry should stop now I think it might be a little to advanced for you.)
Are you kidding me? This is fun.
(Whatever, call me when you are done.)
Almost as fun as a day in the sun
Jarmarcus grew impatient
He just could not wait
It had been three hours
What I wanted to take a shower
Finally I got the courage
From something called murrage
(Now what in the world is murrage?.)
I don’t know
You just got to go with the flow
I opened the door
And after looking at him
All neat and trim
I felt in my heart
That this was a new start
But this novel is still young
Only 8,255 words done
And more as they come

Ok Patti I’m done with my freeform poetry. (YAY YAY YAY YAY.) Ok, I will admit that the poem didn’t make much sense. So I will increase my word count...I mean do you a favor by explaining the scene again. So Jarmarcus knocked at my door. I immedietly felt the butterflies in my stomach. I ran into the bathroom to hide. And take some murrage. (There is nothing in this world called murrage.) Well that does not matter because I took it. Yes the murrage worked wonders. Jamarcus keep waiting.
“Felicia come on”. He called.
“No I’m too scared”. I remarked.
“What are you afraid of?”, he asked
“I afraid you won’t like me”, I replied
“Felicia, why of course I like you that is why I asked you out” he said
“Really?” I wondered
“Really” he assured
“Really?” I wondered
“Really” he assured
“Really?” I wondered
“Really” he assured
“Really?” I wondered
“Really” he assured
“Really?” I wondered
“Really” he assured
“Really?” I wondered
“Really” he assured
“Really?” I wondered
“Really” he assured
“Really?” I wondered
“Really” he assured
“Really?” I wondered
“Really” he assured
“Really?” I wondered
“Really” he assured
“Really?” I wondered
“Really” he assured
“Really?” I wondered
“Really” he assured
“Really?” I wondered
“Really” he assured
Well after the 29th really Jamarcus got a little annoyed. So like any good man he kicked down my door scooped me up and threw me in the trunk of his car. (Felicia, that is not really what happened, When Jamarcus came to your door you bolted out like lightening and you scooped him up and threw him in the trunk of the car.) Yes I know but when I’m acting like a damsel in distress it makes the novel more suspensful....you know, my version adds plot to this story. (Yes, but this novel has already managed to have negative plot and any now would just be a drop in the bucket. Now Felicia please resume telling the rest of the story truthfully.) FINE! UGGH! You know I was trying to do you a favor but NOOO, everything has to factually correct....fine....apparantly fabrication is wrong.
So when Jamarcus knocked at my door I rushed out of there so quickly he didn’t know what hit him. All of the sudden without thinking I picked up Jamarcus and ran. You see ladies and gentlemen, When I get excited I tend to make rash decisions. Like the time when I climbed Mount Everest, I got so excited I jumped for joy at the summit and lost my balance. I then fell five miles to the bottom of the mountain. The guide leader was so embarrased at my actions that he decided to erase my name from all of his records so any history of me climbing Mount Everest was erased that fateful day. So my decision to throw Jamarcus over my shoulder and run to his car was hasty and rash...but oh so much fun. So with Jamarcus screaming at top of his lungs I knew that it would annoy me pretty quickly. So I had to put him in a place where the sound would be muffled. Naturally, I thought the trunk. Still to this day I think that was a great idea and I stand by it. Now stuffing Jamarcus in the trunk was not the easiest thing in the world. Especially when he was resisting and fighting back. He should of known had he just shut up, he would of been allowed to sit in the front seat. So after Jamarcus was stuffed in the trunk of the car, I realized that I had smudged my lipliner. I wanted to look nice on our date. Like any good doll I went back to my room and tried to reapply my lipliner. However, I just made it worse and got so frustrated. “That’s it “ I said. I decided to have a clean slate and start all over again. So I threw off all my clothes and went into the shower. The shower was fun I was singing and dancing and dancing and singing. Then, after my shower I needed to primp my hair. So I got out the blow dryer and curling iron and dried and curled and dried and curled and dried and curled. And let me tell you something, after my hair was done ooohhh I was the cat’s meow. MEOW! Even as gorgeous as I already looked I wanted to look extra special for Jamarcus so I meticously applied make up and got a manicure, pedicure, and waxing done. And boy did I look hot. Now ladies and gentlemen, over the years, I’ve learned some tips and tricks about make up and I would like to take the time to share them with you. (OH PLEASE, IF YOU HAVE ANY COMMON SENSE DON’T DO ANYTHING FELICIA IS ABOUT TO SAY!.)

Tip One- The less you wear the less likely you are to get noticed

Tip Two- Ask someone to punch you in the mouth, I will make your lips look more pouty and sultry

Tip Three- Eyeliner lines your eyes so make sure it is noticeable, the more you look like a raccoon the better

Tip Four- Lashes should be a minimum of two inches in length

Tip Five- Never have your lipliner be the same shade as your lips, dark lipliner with pink lipstick is the most flattering to any lip types

Tip Five- It’s never one or the other if your lips are bold then your eyes need to match them. Pair a sparkly shade of eyeshadow with a sparkly shade of lipstick. Ps. That is why my last name is Sparkly.

Tip Six- Sunscreen is for whimps

Tip Seven- If you look at Mrs. Carroll, she has the right idea

Tip Eight- Instead of trying to hide dark circles, play them up. Place some black shadow underneath your eyes and see the results

Tip Nine- In order to transition from day to night with your look, always wear your makeup for evening during the day

Tip Ten- If you get makeup tattoooed on you, then your mornings will be a lot easier

There you have it, some of the best advice on make up. (NEVER EVER EVER DO ANY OF THESE.)

Back to Jamarcus. So after I was all prim and proper I realized that three hours had just passed and Jamarcus still in the trunk. I was rushing out the door and I realized I left the television on. Well, the program that was on television was E! True Hollywood Story. I’ll have you know I am a big fan of E! True Hollywood Story....wink wink to the executives at E!....I would really like an E! True Hollywood Story. Any way, this E! True Hollywood Story happened to be about The Spice Girls. Now you see, I loved and am still in love with The Spice Girls. So naturally I made myself a cheese plate, and sat down on the couch. For the next hour I watched the E! True Hollywood Story of The Spice Girls. And let me tell you something ladies and gentlemen, I do not regret it. Who knew Baby Spice was actually a bipolar drug addict and Ginger Spice murdered her eighth husband. Absolutely fascinating. After the E! Hollywoodd Story of The Spice Girls was over it hit me again. Jamarcus had been in the trunk for four hours now. So this time I really rushed to the car and opened the trunk. Apparently Jamarcus is not very strong and had I left him in the trunk for fifteen more minutes he would of died. Talk about a whimp. But everything was okay because I was the hero and saved him. Luckily Jamarcus was such a gentlemen. After seeing me all dressed to the nines he immidietly forgave me. Jamarcus always appreciated me because I often liked to get all pretty and dressed up. So finally after a long day, my date with Jamarcus started.

6- So for this chapter I will be describing our date as a romance novel story.....please enjoy.
It was a cool spring day and Jamarcus put the key in the ignition. He looked at me and said “Let us go for a ride”
Oh yes! I cried take me away. Vroom went the engine of his car. His car was a cherry red Ferrari (actually it was a beige Honda Accord) The white leather seats of that car popped against the red exterior. The engine muffled and off we went. Up in the Pokapies, the trees lined the street in an ever so linear fashion. The road seemed to go on forever, quite like my love for Jamarcus. He then glanced at me and with a wink all of my fears were taken away with his kind eyes. just then the car started to go faster. The foliage became a green blur and my adrenaline started to go. 45 miles an hour, 50 miles an hour, 60 miles an hour, 70 miles an hour, 75 miles an hour, 80 miles an hour, 81 miles an hour, 82 miles an hour, 83 miles an hour, 84 miles an hour, 85 miles an hour, 86 miles an hour, 87 miles an hour, 88 miles an hour, 89 miles an hour, 90 miles an hour we were going. At that exact moment i never felt so alive. I was riding in a hot car with a hot man and myself looking ever so hot. Time seemed to stand still the faster we went. Oh the way Jamarcus moved that stick shift. I felt like we were in a real race car. Oh on that country road we went.
However, all of the sudden I see something coming towards the windshield. What ever could that object be I wondered. But before I could ask Jamarcus, we hit it. That object actually turned out to be a turkey. Crash it went against the windshield. It startled me. The turkey sunk into the windshield and left a depression that resembled that of a baby’s bassenet. After the initial impact, the turkey started to roll across the windshield like a tumbleweed. “Jamarcus” I screamed. But it was too late......for the turkey.....Jamarcus was fine. The turkey had gotten its delicate wing stuck on the side window. The blood poured all over the words “Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear”. A fear and panic flowed throughout my body. The turkey was flapping and squaking as the car raced by at 90 miles and hour. Then, in an instant the wing of the turkey was ripped off. Oh it was horrid gruesome and disgusting. But at least the wishbone was stuck on the mirror.
Jamarcus then pulled off the road and into a ditch. We pulled out his silver motorola cell phone and dialed. 9-1-1. The electronic sound that was let out as the buttons were pushed echoed throughout the surrounding woods. The opearator answered and said in a husky voice “911 what is your emergency”
“A turrrkeyyy.....a turkey just hit my car” Jamarcus nevously said.
“A turkey?” questioned the operator.
“Yes a turkey” Jamarcus reassured.
“Well do you want us to cook it?” asked the operator.
“WHAT!” exclaimed Jamarcus.
“Yeah, well what the hell do you want us to do for you” replied the operator.
“To send help” said Jamarcus.
“Fine a police man will come”, the operator snapped back.
The dial tone then resumed. DROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG. After about an hour of waiting, the red and blue lights of a police car came into view. Help was coming. YAY. The police car strolled up behind the car and the officer came out. Step by step he neared our smashed vehicle. Wow he was getting close. And boy let me tell you he was GORGE! He looked like Johnny Depp. I mean hello! (OK I put the Johnny Depp reference in because I just saw Cry Baby on You Tube.....hmmm I love You Tube......the last 5 movies I’ve seen have all probably been on You Tube....let’s see Dorian Blues, X-Men, X-Men 2, Time Bandits, and Cry Baby. Yep.....paying for movies is so overrated.....but back to Cry Baby.....Oh my god it was so good.....well so bad it was good......but that is kind of like all John Waters films....I love Johnny Depp even though he is conceited, naive, egotistical, and obsessed with natural and organic so he makes other people make his environment more “bohemian”.......but he is gorgeous.....sigh.) Yes Johnny Depp. I was about to lose my shit and jump on top of him, but then I remembered that I was on a date and I don’t think Jamarcus would appreciate infedelity on the first date....cheating is for the third date. So the gorgeous police man leaned up the car and asked “What seems to be the problem”?
“Well, a turkey hit the car” said Jamarcus.
“Really well let me see if I can help you”, remarked the sexy police officer.....I’ll have you know that from now on the police officer will be refered to as Mr. Sexy Johnny Depp Look A Like Police Officer.
Strip! I thought....but I was good I kept my mouth shut.
All this while the turkey had been rolling around and sqauking. If Yoko Ono was personified through a turkey then this would be the prime example. I mean the AHH and OOO and frankly it sounded like a dying alien.....see perfect.
“Well unfortunately the turkey cannot be saved” said Mr. Sexy Johnny Depp Look A Like Police Officer.
“So I will have to shoot him. I’m sorry it had to come to this”, said Mr. Sexy Johnny Depp Look A Like Police Officer mournfully. Having not been listening I just nodded and smiled. BOOM went the sound of the gun. During this time, Jamarcus had called for help and the manager of the resort was on his way to get us. So we waited in the car and I felt my heart break a little when Mr. Sexy Johnny Depp Look A Like Police Officer drove away. Oh well not the first time in my life I had been disappointed....but I do wish something more seroius had happened so Mr. Sexy Johnny Depp Look A Like Police Officer could stay longer and comfort me. But beggars can’t be choosers.
As we waited my stomach started to growl and my blood sugar dropped. So like any good gentlemen he grabbed the dead turkey and started plucking the feathers off. One by one the feathers fell to the ground. Yes the turkey was stripped naked to the skin. Then Jamarcus started a fire are skewed the turkey on the twigs that he found on the ground. Crackle went the sound of the flesh. After about thirty minutes the turkey was ready. I devoured the charred flesh and looked into Jamarcus’s eyes. He looked back at me.
“Do you love me?”, he asked.
“Yes, of course I do”, I replied. Even though I may of loved Mr. Sexy Johnny Depp Look A Like Police Officer slightly a bit more. Oh well white lies. Afterword, we kissed. The kiss lifted me higher than any alcohol could of....okay another white lie you should know by now that love alcohol more than anything in the world....even more than Mr. Sexy Johnny Depp Look A Like Police Officer. I know....it is that extreme. But we kissed, we did more than kiss. And just then, the resort manager knocked at the window. AWKWARD!!!!!MAJOR AWKWARD.....but ladies and gentlemen, I love awkward moments. YAY!!!!!! But apparently Jamarcus does not like awkward moments. So he screamed and quickly grabbed his pants and started dressing. But I said FUCK GETTING DRESSED I’M COMFORTABLE. So I entered the resort manager’s car stark naked. And boy was it fun.

7- So Jamarcus and I continued to date. After a couple of weeks of getting to know you getting to know you getting to know you blah blah blah....boom it turns out I was pregnant again. Now this came as a shock to me because I was in my early fifties. But I was excited. Now that I was pregnant Jamarcus had to do everything for me. You know, I couldn’t leave the house because everyone would laugh and gawk at me....they would say “OH LOOK AT THAT CRAZY OLD LADY......THINKS SHE’S PREGNANT.....HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. (That is true, I would of died laughing if I saw Felicia pregnant.) Yes even with my demands Jamarcus was so wonderful he followed all of my orders. So nine months passed.....now I would love to increase the word count by describing the entire nine months but....I really would just be repeating myself....With the spun and over and sorry I think you had enough repeats. So heres a summary of my pregnancy.

Felicia- JAMARCUS.....I STARTING TO FEEL SOBER GET ME SOME VODKA!
Jamarcus- Felicia I would love to but apparently this new study says that pregnant women are not allowed to drink alcohol.
Felicia- WELLL FUCK THEM I KNOW WHAT I WANT AND I KNOW WHAT FEELS RIGHT
Jamarcus- Fine my love
Felicia- Exactly now hop to it
Jamarcus-whatever
Jamarcus would then return with the alcohol and I would take a drink and say
Felicia- JAMARCUS THIS IS THE WEAKEST VODKA I”VE EVER TASTED TAKE IT BACK
Jamarcus- They were out of vodka at the liquor store, so I bought you grain alcohol instead....you can’t get any stronger than that....sorry babe
Felicia- SORRY BABE? IN CASE YOU ARE WONDERING, I’M THE ONE PREGNANT AND I NEED TO DRINK OR ELSE THIS BABY WILL NEVER PASS THE SOBRIETY TEST!!!! GET ME STRONGER ALCOHOL NOW
Jamarcus- Fine I’ll see what I can do
Jamarcus would go back to the liquor store and buy a different brand hoping it would be better and then would return home to find me sobbing and all apologetic
Felicia- WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO WAAA HAAA HAAA BOO HOOO.....I know I said no more repeats but it was just too tempting.
Jamarcus- Felicia darling why are you crying, did I take too long? I really tried to get home as fast as I could it is just that----
Felicia- NO IT’S NOT YOU IT’S ME.....I WAS MEAN TO YOU AND I FEEL BAD ABOUT IT....REALLY REALLLY REALLY BAD.....PLEASE JUST FORGIVE ME.....YOU KNOW MY HORMONES ARE ALL OUT OF WACK AND JUST ANYTHING COULD SET ME OFF....YOU DID NOTHING WRONG YOUR ARE PERFECT JAMARCUS....MY LOVE.......MY LOVEY LOVE LOVELY JAMARCUS.
Jamarcus- Oh sweetheart I thought I did something wrong
Felicia- Come here you (shall I start playing the violin now or later?.) PATTI! YOU ARE RUINING THE MOMENT! Anyway back to the story-
Jamarcus- Oh baby I love you
Felicia- WHAT! YOU JUST LOVE ME? YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO ADORE ME.....WORSHIP THE GROUND I WALK ON.....KISS ME FEET EVERY SINGLE DAY AND YOU JUST LOVE ME
Jamarcus- That’s not what I meant
Felicia- WELL WHAT DID YOU MEAN?
Jamarcus- Felicia, baby I meant that you are my everything. You are my sunshine, my life, the air in my lungs, the entitiy that fills my soul.
Felicia- WAA HAAA SOB That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard....come on over...I’ll show you what you mean to me.
(Sorry to interupt it is just that I need to find and easy way to quickly increase my word count......since I’m not the most creative person in the world, you will be forced to read my lab report.....I know this is dirty but as Machiavelli said the end justifies all means.

Patti Mansbach
Ms. Smith
Geophysical Science
12 November 2007

1. Breaking Minerals:
Procedure:
-The “teacher” (or scientist in the video) smashed the minerals thus breaking the crystals.
-Then the students were asked to examine the crystal shape of the broken particles.

Questions:
2. Examine the broken pieces with a magnifying glass under a strong light.
a.) Describe the shape of the fragments and sketch one of them in your notebook.
The broken pieces resemble that of the larger rock. larger halite cube

smaller halite cube.

3. Select one or a few of the fragments, and break them again with the hammer. Again, examine them with the magnifying glass.
a.) Describe and sketch the fragments in your notebook.
The broken pieces resemble the once broken rock and the original rock.
medium sized halite cube smaller halite cube

5. From the results of your following investigation, answer the following questions.
a.) How does the characteristic shape of the halite fragments differ from the characteristics of the calcite shapes?
The halite breaks in a neat clean shape while calcite breaks in a more asymmetrical “blob like” shape.
b.) Why do you think that the fragments of the crystals have regular and distinctive shapes?
All of the atoms in each mineral are bonded in similar ways, thus all of the broken pieces of the mineral will look alike.
c.) Why do you think that the halite fragments and the calcite fragments have different shapes.
I think they have different shapes because halite and calcite have a different crystal structures. So they will break differently.

Conclusion- This exercised showed how each mineral has a distinct crystal structure. It also showed that if a mineral is broken it will break into a shape that is similar to the parent rock. For example halite will always break into a cube. And calcite will always break into an asymmetrical “blob like” shape.
2. Stacking Spheres
Procedure:
-Cut four squares of corrugated cardboard. Make the edges of each piece long enough so that five marbles can line up along the edges. Tape the pieces together to form a square enclosure with vertical walls.
-Line the bottom of the cardboard enclosure with a single layer of marbles. Next, carefully add a second layer of marbles, with each marble in the second layer directly above the marble of the lowest layer. Continue adding layers until you have filled the enclosure. You have created a regular three-dimensional array of marbles.

Questions:
2a.) In your notebook describe the geometry of the array of marbles.
All of the marbles are stacking up in a similar pattern and each layer resembles the layer below.
b.) How does the geometry of this array compare to the geometry of the crystal fragments you produced in the activity before?
Like the minerals, if a segment of the marbles were observed the segment would resemble the larger segment.

3. There is another way to pack spheres in a regular three-dimensional array. Build another cardboard enclosure. Lay the marbles of the second layer in the “pockets” formed by the three adjacent marbles of the first layer. Add layers until you have filled the enclosure.
a.) In your notebook describe the geometry array of the marbles.
The second layers of marbles fill in the gaps and create correlated layers.
b.) How does this geometry array compare to the crystal fragments you produced in the earlier part of the investigation?
The geometry array of these marbles is similar to the crystal fragments because no matter how big or small the sample they will form in a similar pattern.
c.) Can you think of a third way of building a regular three-dimensional array of marbles in a cardboard enclosure? If so, sketch and describe the array.
You could place the marbles in an abnormal shaped container. For example a pyramid shape.

Conclusion- When stacking the marbles, each layer resembled the layer below. This showed how minerals form in similar patterns. Just like minerals, if a segment of the marbles were taken, it would resemble the larger segment.

3. Mineral Identification
Procedure:
-Read the “Digging Deeper” section
-Get the minerals and the mineral identification kit from the teacher
-Test the hardness, streak, color, specific gravity, cleavage, and crystal shape

(table on next page)

Conclusion- Each mineral has a specific hardness, streak, color, specific gravity, cleavage, and crystal shape. Therefore, in this segment we had to identify mystery minerals. Each mineral was tested for its specific properties and was identified.

4. Check for understanding

1. What is a mineral?
A mineral is a naturally occurring inorganic crystalline solid.
2. Why do different minerals have different properties?
Different minerals have different properties because they have different atoms, bonds, and crystal structures.
3. Is color a good identifying property of a mineral why or why not?
Color alone is not a good identifying property of a mineral because both gold and pyrite are the same color yet gold and pyrite are very different.
4. What is the difference between cleavage and crystal shape of a mineral?
Cleavage is how many sides of the mineral break evenly into a flat plane while crystal structure is how the mineral atoms are formed and what shape they will break into.

5. Pie Graph
Procedure:
Create a pie graph for the minerals that make up the earth’s crust.
(next page).)
Ok Patti that was horrible....but it did add words....hmm I’m torn on morals....oh well we can over look the lab. So that pretty much summed up my pregnancy....I was a hormonal mess and Jamarcus was a perfect gentlemen. Well, nine months later I went into labor. Thankfully, everything went well....none of my hips cracked. Now you might be wondering why I did not marry Jamarcus....you see ladies and gentlemen, Jamarcus was cuban and I am Irish, German, English, and French.....in other words I’m white. Now back then interracial marriages were considered taboo. But don’t worry not being married did not change our relationship. (Wait wouldn’t it be “even though we were unmarried, it did not change our relationship”...it adds words.) Hmmm...true...but there is no need to worry (ooh good one.) Yeah I know...I have a way with words......but there is no need to worry, even though Jamarcus and I were not married, it did not change our love or relationship. I truly did love Jamarcus. Truly truly truly did I ever love him....sigh.

Wait...what chapter are we on? (I think it was eight) Oh yes....well even if we aren’t on chapter 8.....we are now.

8- Jamarcus was truly lovely. Except one night he was driving home from his job and a police officer pulled him over.....now ladies and gentlemen this police officer was not Mr. Sexy Johnny Depp Look A Like Police Officer....NOOOO!...from what I heard this police officer looked like Liza Minnelli’s ex-husband David Gest....I know right more EWW than Hugh Jackman’s wife....and that’s saying something. Now when Mr. Unsexy David Gest Look A Like police officer pulled over Jamarcus I often wonder if Jamarcus was sexually assaulted....because if its David Gest...you know...and the last thing I would want is David Gest raping my sweet gorgeous Jamarcus. (Okay why does Liza Minnelli keep marrying gay men...I mean David Gest...okay....but Peter Allen!!....Seriously look up video clips of him on Youtube....If she could not tell from that then she must be pretty dumb...I mean he is in a skin tight shirt dancing with maraccas for crying out loud......regardless I still love Liza Minnelli.) But Jamarcus was caught with some marijuana....for my nausea and some cocaine....I mean unidentified white powder....my nerve medication. So Jamarcus was arrested and you know with our laws, innocent until proven guilty...that is unless you are a minority...then it’s straight to the pokey you go. So the bigot bastards in the judicial system threw my cuban lover in prison.....for 30 years....now I tried to keep in contact with Jamarcus, but you know I was on my own and had to work again....so it was tough. Yeah I mean the visits behind the glass were nice, but I needed something more. So sadly overtime I eventually lost contact with Jamarcus. I guess today he is still in prison...while I haven’t talked to him in almost two decades, I still think about him everyday...every single day....sigh...I really did love him....he was the love of my life. (okay so apparantly the robots on NaNoWriMo are reporting I have less words than I thought....so guess what....song time....hmm what song.....lets try an original creation...here it goes
Save me not
and leave me here to rot

Quit wasting your time
I’ll never be fine
Just give up
‘cause I’m stuck in a rut

You try so hard
but my advice is to just discard
me from your life
and leave me to stab myself with a knife

Save me not
and leave me here to rot

Oh please stop trying
you’ll just be left sighing
you’ll have to admit
that I’m not worth it

la la la la la

OHH GUESS WHAT......MORE WORDS....YES LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I PRESENT YOU MY ENGLISH ESSAY...WOOO HOOO....OOOHHHH OHHHH.....HANDS IN THE AIR.....PARTYYY.

Patti Mansbach
Ms. Salerno
English 2 E
12 November 2007
Losing Our Intelligence
Pulitzer Prize winning author Alice Walker has often started controversy with her beliefs and statements. One controversial statement that Walker made is “I’m always amazed that people will actually choose to sit in front of the television and just be savaged by stuff that belittles their intelligence”. While I agree with this statement, I disagree that this is bad.
In modern society there are a lot of depressing things on television. With the war, economy, elections, murders, etc. the world is not a kind place. I believe that if the only programs you watch on television are serious and informative then you will be depressed every second of your life. Therefore, dumb television show such as Jerry Springer, Maury, Viva Laughlin, and E! True Hollywood Story can better society.
While I admit, being culturally aware is a good thing and necessary, sometimes we as a society need to find out “who the baby daddy is”. Watching stupid television is fun. Frankly, it is more fun to discuss Flavor of Love than the war in Iraq. However, Alice Walker has yet to grasp that concept.
My motto is “don’t take life too seriously, no one gets out alive”. Maybe Alice Walker should start living by that. People who take the world too seriously are no fun and boring. So maybe watching the E! True Hollywood Story about Paula Abdul actually is a good thing for this crazy world..)
Ok Patti, this whole schoolwork posting has to stop. (Yes, but but but I’m not a very good writer and I just wanted quick words. And besides it is not like anyone important will read this novel..) Uggh fine, just limit it alright? (Fine.)
Now when I lost Jamarcus, I was so distraught. I mean here I was a single mother with no career or skills. But I knew in order to support my alcohol problem...I mean my daughter Jamargot that I would have to work. But let me tell you something, work did not come easy for a single elderly alcoholic mother. Ohh no they wanted those young sober people.....apparently drinking on the job is not “acceptable behavior”. And without Jamarcus, I had no guidance in my life. So ladies and gentlemen, I went against one of my rules of money (gasp.) I know I admit....ladies and gentlemen, I Felicia Sparkly entered the sex business. Now you might think....”Okay a madame cool”.....but no....I was not a madame.....I.....I......I was prostitute. YES YES YES YES I was a hooker on the street corner. I know I’m a horrible person.....If you feel like putting this novel down in disgrace now I give you permission....BOOO HOOO......oh god sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob......OHH PATTI GET ME ANOTHER DRINK........THIS IS A VERY TOUGH SUBJECT FOR ME TO DISCUSS!!! sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob. (Sure Felicia here is some gin and tonic......I understand this is a very difficult subject for you to discuss...I mean look at the example you were setting for your daughter Jamargot.) Thank you....gulp.....My daughter......oh heavens no....to be honest I never really liked children all that much. Frankly, they took up too much time....I mean the time I spent changing diapers I could of spent drinking. (Well at least you are owning it.) True.....but I was so upset about breaking one of my money rules......I might of taken my life during that period had it not been for Jack Daniels. But I will give myself credit for this much, I in no way did not work a Pimp. No way am I going to do all the work and then give someone else half my cut and get beaten for the pleasure of having me work for him....no no no no no no never......just never. Also during this time my daughter Jamargot got taken away....apparently my career choice was not suitable for a mother.....ughh.....bastards....but hey at least I had time to drink....woohooo.
But I will admit it was hard being a prostitute. I mean I was elderly and unappealing. Now I may be old I may be blind I may be viciously unkind but I could still read what they were thinking. And they were thinking “EWW like no I would not want to hook up that crazy old woman...I would rather hook up with that other hooker down the street.....hmm is that hooker Hugh Jackman’s wife Deborra-Lee Furness....wait no it is just a tranny in a blonde wig.....oh well I bet Hugh’s probably more attracted to that tranny than his haggard wife”. (OOHH more Hugh Jackman gossip....okay well in an interview Hugh Jackman said he bedded over 1,000 women....I know eww right....like now I know why he and his wife adopted children......trouble conceiving.....NOOO....his wife probably would not want to go near him with a fifty foot pole......I mean she probably could get hepititis just by looking at him....well, Hugh says he is so in love with his wife but you know once a pig always a pig.) Patti please stop interrupting with celebrity gossip......half of the stuff you are saying you are unsure if it is actually true. (Hey hey hey blame the people that compared the tranny hooker to Hugh Jackman’s wife...it’s not my fault.) Ugghh I am too sober to argue this with you.

Well clients did not come easy working as a prostitute. And ladies and gentlemen it is a major blow to the ego when the Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like tranny gets more clients than you. So in order to compensate for my lack luster sex appeal I started singing for money. Yes, I placed a hat on the ground and belted at the top of my lungs. I sang everything. I sang Alanis Morissette, Amy Winehouse, Arctic Monkeys, Avenue Q, The Beatles, Beck, Bjork, Blind Melon, Bob Dylan, The Cranberries, songs from Cry Baby, The Darkness, Frou Frou, Garbage, The Gossip, Hole, Imogen Heap, Kiki and Herb, The Killers, Le Tigre, I receited some Lewis Black comedy, Mika, Modest Mouse, The Music Man, Nick Gilder, Nirvana, No Doubt, Ok Go, Peter Bjorn and John, Radiohead, REM, Rent, The Rolling Stones, Scissor Sisters, Show Boat, Simon and Garfunkel, Talking Heads, That’s Entertainment, Tom Petty, U2, Under The Influence Of Giants, The White Stripes, and songs from the movie Xanadu. (Okay okay I admit I just named all of the artists on my Itunes account.) They all got a modest response but suprisingly, songs by They Might Be Giants got the biggest acclaim. Which is strange because I thought Anna Autilio was they only one who actually like They Might Be Giants but I guess I thought wrong. Yes, on days where I didn’t sing They Might Be Giants songs I made about 150 dollars but I quickly realized that if I sang They Might Be Giants songs all day I could make 2,000 dollars. (Figured you would appreciate that bit Anna.....lol.)
Well, one night I was singing some of my own material and a record executive heard me sing. Now you might wonder why a record executive was around when I was singing but apparently it turns out that the Debbora-Lee Furness Look A Like tranny was pretty popular. Yes that tranny got clients all day.....I mean I could of retired a millionaire if got even half the clients the Debbora-Lee Furness Look A Like tranny got. But, alas, I was old and ugly in the bad way. (Ha ha ha ha...I know I’m going to hell but I am for sure going to have fun on my way.)
That night the record producer heard me and was intrigued. He said I had a voice that was the perfect tone to be fixed by computers. And let me tell you I was flattered beyond belief. I mean this record executive was telling me that I was almost good enough to be considered talented. Oh I was over the moon with glee. So that night after the record executive was done with the Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like tranny....hey he was interested in my voice....not my services. (Okay I am watching television right now and I just saw a commercial for hair gel where two people in opposite apartments jumped on the electrical wires outside the buildings....fine commercial but at the bottom it said “done by trained professionals do not attempt”....first of all if you have the desire to jump on top of electrical wires then you are fucking stupid and secondly who in the world would think that the people were not trained professional.....you know how in my english essay Alice Walker said television ruins your intelligence....WRONG.....stupid disclaimers ruin your intelligence.....I mean one time I bought a CD player and since I’m such a big nerd, I read the warranty.....well in the warranty it said Does not protect against water damage, fire damage, blah blah blah......well at the end it said “or acts of god”....ha.)
So when the record executive was done, he came back and said “I really love your voice and I would like to give you my card. Call me at one of the numbers below.”
Since the next day was Sunday ,and I will have no hankie pankie on Sunday, I had some free time. So I decide to give the record executive, whose name turned out to be Russell, a call. Here is how the call went-
Felicia- Hello is this Russell?
Russell- May I ask who this is?
Felicia- Umm I’m the prostitute you gave your business card to the other night.
Russell- Why Debbora-Lee how are you?
Felicia- No I’m not the Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like tranny I’m the singing prostitute.
Russell- Oh yes yes the singing tranny...Why how are you?
Felicia- No I’m not a tranny I’m an actual woman.
Russell- SHUT UP...NO WAY!....YOU JUST BLEW MY MIND!
Felicia- Yes do you want me to prove it to you?
Russell- NO! I mean if your that ugly and admit to being a natural woman then I believe you.
Felicia- Yes, anyway I was calling you about my singing.
Russell- Yeah sure love.....I really enjoyed your voice.
Felicia- What di you love about my voice?
Russell- When it was inaudible.
Felicia- If you hate my voice then why did you give me your card?
Russell- You see darling I trying something new.
Felicia- What is it that you are trying?
Russell- Well, now a days women have little self confidence and my idea is to have a no talented ugly singer become a big star.....you know relate to the women of the world.
Felicia- Are you saying that all women are ugly?
Russell- Heavens no it is just that when the women see you and hear you they will think “Hey I may be poor and ugly but at least I’m better than that haggard old tranny”.
Felicia- Well if you wanted a tranny you should of gotten that Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like one.
Russell- Hate to break it to you but no one, man or woman could ever be better than the Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like tranny.
Felicia- Okay what is great about her.....why is she so popular I mean she looks like Deborra-Lee Furness for god sake, and let me tell you something not everything Deborra-Lee Furness does turns to gold I mean her and Hugh Jackman’s production company Seed Productions did produce the unsuccessful Viva Laughlin which was a copy....I mean remake of the British show Blackpool. So you might want to rethink the tranny my friend.
Russell- Well for your information more people saw Viva Laughlin than than have you as a hooker for the evening.
Felicia- Tushae.....Viva Laughlin was loved by tens of people. Anyway back to my singing--
Russell- Yes yes back to business come by the studio this afternoon love and we’ll record some demos...and we will go from there.
Felicia- Okay I’ll be by there later.
Russell- I hate to be rude but I have an appointment with the Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like tranny....so I am going to have to hang up now.
Felicia- UGGHH....Fine!
(Okay you might be wondering what Deborra-Lee Furness looks like so here is a picture.)
*
(I know I vomited a little in my mouth the first time I saw this picture too...I mean first of all lose the Garth Algar glasses and the synthetic wig.....wait why does her hair looky plasticy....maybe she is sick and needs to wear a wig....OH NO MAYBE SHE HAS CANCER....HUH THAT MEANS I’M AN EVIL PERSON.....YOU CAN’T MAKE FUN OF SOMEONE WITH CANCER....NO NO NO NO PLEASE DO NOT HAVE CANCER.....PLEASE JUST HAVE BAD FASHION SENSE.....AHH.)
So anyway later that day I went to Russell’s recording studio. After my discussion with him on the phone and our meeting in the city slums I thought I had a good knowledge of who he was. You know total male chauvanist pig (Okay Felicia that is not that hard to point out.....all men are chauvanist pigs.........OHH yesterday I was watching watching Doctor Phil and this chick on there was a man hater and they were trying to change her to love everybody......and I’m like why?......all men are disgusting jerks.) True but Russell also had another side to him.....he was a born again christian. Yes he was jesus republican. I cringed too but I will say that being a born again christian is better than scientology. (Amen.) He would always go off into little speeches about Jesus in between my recording sessions. But there will always be one that sticks out in my memory. Yes this speech summed up jesus for me. Here it is.
“I used to be a committed atheist. Now this was not based off of any thing valid or logical. It was just what I learned in school. I thought that evolution was correct and people just used god as an emotional crutch. Well, when you look at the evidence the truth is that it takes more faith to be an atheist than it does to believe in god. I mean you really have to ignore the facts.
Today in society we relate the word atheism with intelllectual. Now that is the exact opposite of that word. Now I have an intellectually stimulating theory. My theory is about where the soda can may of come from. Billions of years ago, there was a big bang in space nobody knows what caused the big bang it just happened. From this bang issued a rock and on top of this rock issued a sweet brown bubbly substance. And over millions of years aluminum creeped up the side forming itself into a can then a lid and then a tab. Then millions of years later red paint, blue paint, and white paint fell from the sky an formed itself into the words twelve fluid ounces. Now you might be saying what are you doing? You are insulting my intellect. And so I am. Because we know that if the can is made there must be a maker. To be designed there must be a designer. To believe the soda can happened my chance is to move into an intellctually free zone. Basically it is to have an echo when you think; it is to have brain liposuction.
“Behold the atheist’s nightmare a banana. If you study a well made banana you’ll find on the far side there are three ridges. On the close side two ridges. If you get your hand ready to grip a banana you’ll find that on the far side there are three grooves on the close side two grooves. The banana and the hand are perfectly made one for the other. You’ll find the maker of the banana almighty god has made it with a non slip surface. It has outward indicators of when it is ripe: green too early, yellow just right, and black too late. Now you’ll find with the soda can makers that they placed a tab at the top, and so god has also placed a tab at the top of the banana for you. When you pull the tab, the contents don’t squirt in your face. You’ll find the wrapper which is biodegrade able has perferations. Notice how gracefully it sits over the human hand. Notice it has the point at the top for easy entry and it is just the right shape for the human mouth. It is chewy, easy to digest, and it’s even curved towards the face to make the whole process so much easier. Seriously people the whole of creation testifies to the genius of god’s mind...”
And so Russell struck me as odd but I figured hey if he could get me a record deal then I’ll agree with him on the banana thing. So into the recording studio we went. We decided that I would write all my songs...apparently my writings were so bad they made other sucky writers feel better. (Hey Felicia, that is a good symbol of this novel.....this novel is so bad it makes other people who write poorly feel better about themselves....they’ll be like “hey I may not be able to write but at least I didn’t overuse an unfunny joke about Hugh Jackman’s wife Deborra-Lee Furness”.....the tranny prostitute!...okay I should stop that now.....give me the next section to get it out....like the rest of my useless comments that I translate in wingdings so I can increase my word count....I mean bridge cultures......feel free to read over this part.
DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY DEBORRA-LEE FURNESS Look A Like TRANNY ....okay now that I got it out of my system for the time being......continue reading about the record deal.)
Yes so this is my first song that I wrote.....it was a very personal song about my childhood......it was titled Magical Unicorns That Go Floating In The Sky..........rather uplifting.

Daddy come back
Daddy I’m sorry
I’ll make it better

Daddy Mommy’s not quite right
I really need you tonight
‘cause I’m scared
and you’ve gotta fight
for me

And I’m lost the maze
of world’s craze
You’ve gotta see me through this haze
And Daddy your demons
Are just like my problems
We’ve gotta solve them
But your not here
And I’m struck with fear

A knight rescues her princess
But you left me abandoned
Your coop you’ve flown
and left me alone

But Daddy your demons
Are just like my problems
We’ve gotta solve them
But your not here
And I’m struck with fear

People say how could I want a man who hurt me so bad
and left me so sad
But Daddy if you only knew
how much I love you

I’ll make it better
And this is my plea
That you gotta forgive me
‘Cause I’m lost the maze
of world’s craze
You’ve gotta see me through this haze

The rest have given up on you
And me I’m close too
But even though I grieve
I still believe

But Daddy your demons
Are just like my problems
We’ve gotta solve them
But your not here
And I’m struck with fear

You’ve got to admit
Whether or not you love me
And if you do please show it
It’ll give me such glee

But Daddy your demons
Are just like my problems
We’ve gotta solve them
But your not here
And I’m struck with fear

Daddy come back
Daddy I’m sorrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.....funny, no one ever really understood the humor in that song.....well maybe because I wrote it when I was drunk is the reason I find it funny. Oh well, any way the song was recorded and pretty soon we had a whole album completed. Russell and I started shopping around the album to different radio stations. But, apparently they did’t think that the quality of the artist was up to par with their music standards. In other words....they thought my album was crap. Now I admit my album may of been a littled flawed....mostly to my drunk recording sessions......but I mean if Britney can record an album drunk anyone can. (OMG BRITNEY FAILED HER DRUG TEST.....THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!......and now her camp is trying to say that her drug was her ADD medicine.....yeah except the fact that unless specified, court drug tests don’t check for the drugs in ADD medicine...HA HA HA HA HA......you know her kids are going to be messed up....oh well.)
Well after Russell and I did some careful consideration we thought that we needed to find a place that accepts “unconventially talented musicians”....in other words musicians who suck. Well just then a light bulb went off in both of our heads. MTV!!! I mean all they do is play crappy whinny emo music to stupid teenagers. YAY!
MTV was interested except they wanted a music video to the segment. So off to film a video we went. Now the video shoot was emotional roller coaster. We did a whole video where I was in prison. This immedietly brought me back to Jamarcus. So in between takes I would do a shot of Jack Daniels in honor of Jamarcus. Anyway, from what I understand, the video was supossed to tell the story about how I was trying to contact my father in prison and the glass was holding me back....yeah I didn’t get it either....ha oh well, at least we had a video for MTV.
My video premiered at six in the morning because that is when MTV actually only shows music videos anymore...apparently the latest Next episode is so important they need to re run it 16 times an hour......but hey, they did make that dollar. Even though my video wasn’t showwn during peak time, it still got instant attention. I mean who knew the whiny emo kids got up so early? Well, that doesn’t matter because I was an overnight star. YAY finally fame what I desired second only to alcohol.
Well. after my success Russell had to talk to me about my image in the media. Now he told me that in order to keep my fame I would have to keep my mouth shut and not let talk shit about anyone, especially Hugh Jackman’s wife. Now I couldn’t agree to that. Believe me if I knew how to keep my big trap shut I would. (Felicia be honest no you wouldn’t.) I know....I mean talking behind people’s backs in poorly written novels is so tempting.
But now I had to present myself as a squeaky clean 25 year old when really I was in my 60s and if it wasn’t for that Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like Tranny, I would of fucked more men than Boy George. (Ha ha I love the whole lawsuit against Boy George....apparently he hired a “man of the evening” and then chained this “male of the evening” to his wall and left him there for a couple days.....now I understand the fact that he likes outsider art but does it have to be at the expense of the male prostitute....I mean that “male of the evening” has to work hard for his money....he can’t get paid being chained to an over the hill pop star’s wall....regardless I still think this whole story is quite comical...then again I liked Viva Laughlin so don’t trust my judgement.)
Yes no one could know that I was a singing prostitute, or that I abandoned my daughter, or my whole rehab incident. Yes from now on I was Felicica Sparkly a virgin pop singer who has never tasted a drop of alcohol, who was discovered at a christian rock concert, and considers hell too much of a swear word for her. I knew immedietly that this lying shit would be pretty fucking hard. But it was a price I needed to pay for my picture in the tabloids. I love the tabloids for a while I always kept track of my own life by reading the National Enquirer because frankly, they did a better job than me remembering half the nutso crazyo shit I did. What?....you think I really acted like an innocent twenty something...ha ladies and gentlemen, here is another life lesson- Don’t change yourself, just lie. I mean I could get sober and lead a good moral christian life...but, it is easier to not do so and say I did....besides if I was sober what would I be working for.....I mean hey if I didn’t have such a dependence on alcohol the could of retired off of my mother’s inheritance.....wait inheritance what inheritance?....I was born dirt poor in Melbourne remember. Yes so alcohol kept me working.
Now with my “image” taken care of I had to sell and promote my album. Now apparently having drunken tyrades as your press tour is not the best idea.....I needed to hire a real saleswoman.....or a man who sometimes is a woman....I think you can guess where I’m going with this....YES I hired the Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like Tranny. (I know I said I wouldn’t use the joke anymore...I know I was supposed to get in out of my system with the massive amounts of repeats before....but ladies and gentlemen, me making fun of Hugh Jackman’s wife Deborra-Lee Furness is a necessity for me.....kind of like how alcohol is a necessity for Felicia.) Yes I mean hey I’m not a hater I’m a congratulater....if that Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like Tranny could sell then I’ll use her. (Not a hater a congratulater....Felicia, weren’t you a little bitter towards the Deborra-Lee Furness look A Like Tranny just before....I mean I’m just saying.) You think I can remember what i said...ha...but even if I was bitter towards the Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like Tranny, this time it is convenient for me.
Yes, that tranny could sell everything and anything. And belive me she did. So the tranny worked wonders hawking my “unusual album”. Basically she sold the biggest piece of crap to millions of people. I mean if she did promotion for Viva Laughlin, it might still be on the air......yes she was that good. So with the MTV and the Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like Tranny on my side my debut album went quintuple platinum. It broke all previous records for a new artists. Now, you might be wondering if the critics liked my album and let me tell you, after some careful bribery using the Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like Tranny, the album got rave reviews. Yes I was on my way to the big time.
With this instant exposure I was given everything my heart’s desired. I keenly remember (Felicia stop lying you cannot keenly remember anything.) I vaguely remember one night after I was performing in my hometown of Yonkers...I mean Melbourne...Yonkers Jesus what was I thinking. Yes in Yonk--Melbourne, I asked for a techno privacy scarf now you maybe wondering what a privacy scarf is....a privacy scarf is something you put over your eyes and creates a fabric tunnel so no one can see what you are doing.....here is a picture of it. *
Yes and they got me one. SEE ANYTHING I WANTED! Now you might be wondering why I wanted a techno privacy scarf.....I can’t have the paparazzi taking my picture while I’m looking up ways to find cheap pain killers. I’m a born again christian......remember.
As soon as my first single dropped I had to come up with another song. Now the record executives did not want another ballad so I needed to write a club anthem. When I thought about club anthem, I immedietly thought about my days stripping. Now I thought, if was stripping what song would I want to dance to. That was inspiration enough. So my next song was titled Jealously...I said it was about a man that hurt me in my past.....but really it was about the Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like Tranny. (I can’t stop okay I need to go to bad joke rehab but i don’t have any money for Promises and I’m afraid that real rehab will solve my other problems...so now you readers will have to deal...I’m terribly sorry.) So this was my next single.

Mr. or Mrs. Lee
I’ve some great jealousy
I wish guys would love me
Like they do for you
ohh ohh ohh

I sing a song
‘cause you can do no wrong
Baby Baby Baby
I wish I was lucky
But my skills are sucky

I look into your eyes
with such great despise
They feed off your lies
And I can’t take it
‘cause want it
and I need it
and I feel it
and I want to be just like you

Oh Mr. or Mrs. Lee
I’ve some great jealousy
I wish guys would love me
Like they do for you
ohh ohh ohh

The people they be wondering
could you offer me love like that
but my voice is thundering
And I’m alone at night with my cat

Your shallow ways
keep them coming back
they look at you and gaze
And I have to get them by talking smack
They give you praise
And I’m spiraling off the track

Mr. or Mrs. Lee
I’ve some great jealousy
I wish guys would love me
Like they do for you
ohh ohh ohh

I’m second fiddle
And your the big shot
All I can do is have my thumbs twiddle
While your showing them what you got
‘Cause your so hot
And I’m not

Mr. or Mrs. Lee
I’ve some great jealousy
I wish guys would love me
Like they do for you
ohh ohh ohh

But now I know
I can’t be you
You’re just a show
I found a way through
I’ll leave you to blow
The rest of the crew

Mr. or Mrs. Lee
I’ve some great jealousy
I wish guys would love me
Like they do for you
ohh ohh ohh

Yes jealousy became a national club anthem. People all over the world were asking me about this Lee person. Russell had reminded about my image so I came up an elaborate story. I told all the interviewers this story.
“When I was fifteen and was in the strip club...ha ha ha ......strip club.......I meant a club where they strip you of your sins. Yes in the christian sin stripping club I met a boy. This boy was named Deb--DONNY. Yes Donny Furnace. And Donny was a dreamboat. I mean he prayed for me every single day. I really grew close to Donny. I remember when Donny first told me he loved me. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the whole entire world. Donny told me he wanted to be close to me. We both decided to save ourselves for marriage. No hankie pankie ever. We were the perfect couple. But then another girl named Debby Lee started to get close to Donny. And before I knew it, at the end of camp Debby was pregnant....by Donny. This was the saddest day of my life. I was so hurt and angry I didn’t know how I would get through this difficult time. Then I found alcohol....I mean turned to jesus. Yes I asked Jesus to make this pain go away. Lo and behold Jesus became my new boyfriend. I learned that if a man does not treat me right then I don’t need him.”

HA HA HA HA HA HA....I can’t believe they bought that. I mean me in a christian camp. (Hey you never know what some people believe.....I mean some people are actually scientologist and proud to be.) Yes I’m convinced the interviewers must of had brain liposuction.
But I really did know deep down inside that I couldn’t keep up my lie. I mean I tell people everything. I give my wisdom to every conceivable topic...often without consent. I mean that is just how I am. I tried to talk to Russell but he was busy. He was busy going to Christian Rallys where he was giving speeches about homosexuality and Johnny Depp. He said “Johnny is a sweet piece of ass but I would never touch him because I'm not gay, and if you're gay you're not straight, and I'm straight so I'm not gay. He's pretty hot, though. I would let him blow me."
After this quote I started to evaluate my position with the recording label and Russell. I mean yes had a huge single and Russell was a ball of fun....but I didn’t feel protected. What I longed for was the security and protection I felt when I was with Jamarcus. I mean Jamarcus loved me.
So after one year of recording with Russell, I made the tough decision to quit. I will say the split was amicable. (Felicia, you came in half naked and drunk and you shouted and quote “Look bitch, I ain’t being your monkey. You know what I like me I’m not a born again christian and you need to realize that. I fucking hate you, this studio, and bananas. You know what, I think bananas have roots in evolution. I’m leaving! You may not agree with this......but let me tell you something, you need to accept me. I am Felicia Sparkly a sixty year old drunk former prostitute who lives a life of no regret....SO SUCK IT!.) Yes but at least my tirade was better than scientology. (True.) So Russell and I were no more. This was my time and I was ready to do it alone. I found a recording studio and was ready to make my mark. This music would be me. Raw, emotional, and undiluted. (Oh no I think I know where this is going.) Of course you do Patti!.....you are writing this....remember? (Oh yeah.)
My next song would be titled Viva Laughlin

Hugh
What the hell did you do
Viva Laughlin
Really was suckin
Bad idea
Copying off of Blackpool
You stupid fool
It wasn’t a big hit there
So even a prayer
Would go to waste
Your decision to produce was made out of haste
Your Wolverine
Your Nicky Fontana was obscene
Seriously why did you think that idea was good
Because that’s not what the world understood
An alarming amount of people committed suicide after watching your show
Ohh oh
Melanie
Did you even see
The script to read
And you can’t use the excuse of scientology
‘cause you ain’t
one
The second show
was somehow worse
than the first
yes it was that bad
and so sad
don’t ask me how
the pilot aired
I want whatever cbs is smoking
‘cause at first I thought they were joking
musical comedy drama
I thought I was going to vomit
bad idea
worse idea
cop rock came to vegas
but for the few
who
actually enjoyed it
stick around
for June to come
‘cause Patti will continue the saga
for script frenzy
oh yes groan

Yes I truly felt confident in my song. (Felicia, that was terrible it didn’t even rhyme or make sense.) MAKE SENSE?......this whole novel doesn’t make sense. (True but couldn’t the song be a little better?....I mean it sounds like you wrote it in 3 minutes.) UMM excuse me!...... not me but YOU wrote it in two minutes! (Fine...I really don’t want to argue with you....just continue talking about your new album.) LIKE I WAS SAYING.........this new album was my true self. So the next month the album was released.
Unfortunately, The Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like Tranny had gotten a record deal from Russell and she couldn’t help me anymore. So this time I was going at it alone. Now, the night before my album was supposed to be released, I went out to Club Hyde to celebrate. Now I hadn’t been to Hyde since my stint at rehab, so I was determined to have fun. So after about 12 shots of tequila, I was ready to begin my serious drinking. I had every drink at the bar. I blew all of my earnings in one night. Well the whole club had to celebrate with me. What can I say I’m a giver. And so after about 65 drinks of everything, I was feeling pretty good. So I decided to show everybody how good I wasbfeeling. Now in my mind I thought it was a good idea to do a wondeful strip tease for the paparrazzi. I always wondered why Hugh Jackman willingly produced Viva Laughlin....I now realize, that he was drunker than me. Because I will admit that my strip tease is bad.....but nothing except scientology could ever be worse than Viva Laughlin. Anyway, I had tons of fun that night. I was acting coy and demure by lifting my skirt and showing the world my junk. I also now understand why Britney Spears goes around without panties on.....you know it was a rather freeing feeling. That draft felt nice. So that night I went home happy and excited for the next day.
Although I thought it was a good idea, the parents who read the papers the next day disagreed with me.....apparently having pictures of your strip tease does not make you a good role model for young girls. Like I said before.....I think stripping is a wondeful career. So I made it known to the press. I said “Strippers are the support system of the world’s marriages.....without them who would the man beat off to.” And I thought that was just the most beautifully crafted eloquent quote in the whole world, the NATIONAL COALITION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF WOMEN IN THE WORLD AND THE UNIVERSE AND IN PARELLEL UNIVERSES did not think so. Those bastards got my album pulled from every major retailer’s shelves. And boy I was pissed. So might of sent some death threats to he NATIONAL COALITION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF WOMEN IN THE WORLD AND THE UNIVERSE AND IN PARELLEL UNIVERSES...but according to my lawyer.....since this case is pending I’ve already said too much.
So with this bad publicity, people organized protests of my album. Meanwhile, that Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like Tranny’s album went nine time diamond. She became the biggest recording star of all time. WHY IS SHE BETTER AT EVERYTHING THAN ME....WHY........WHY........WHY.......WHY!!!!!! So when the final sales came out it turns out that my album sold negative 11 copies. I didn’t even know that was possible...but apparently it was. The only person who sold less albums than me in the history of time was Kevin Federline. (Okay how much am I loving this Britney Spears meltdown......every ran over paparrazzi foot is like a hug from Jesus....no not Oprah Jesus it’s not that good......I mean I feel bad for the photographer......I imagine that would hurt. OHHH did you hear about how she failed her drug test. Miss Unfitney parent.....ha ha ha BAD PUN. Let’s see if I can relate Britney Spears to the Movie Thumbelina....hmmmm this is tough but let’s try....OHH Britney lost her kids like how Thumbelina’s mother lost Thumbelina....WOOHOOOO.....Victory Lap.....that was a good one....that was like one of the best ones......see everything in this world can and will be related to the movie Thumbelina by me.)
With the disappointing sales of my album, I needed a way to create buzz. You know, to keep my celebrity alive....the only part I was concerned with. I mean, yes the critical acclaim was nice but really I just wanted my name in the papers. So create buzz, I naturally thought Larry King! I will of course show the transcript but I will have you remember that my drinking problem...no not problem...how do I put this....yes my humorous and sometimes erratic/erotic behavior is thought to be related to my drinking. (Oh dear god...please if you are easily offended skip this part......well I figure if you made it this far then you are not easily offended so proceed.) So as you desired, here is the transcript from my Larry King interview.

Larry- Hello Felicia.
Felicia- Howdy Larry.
Larry- Howdy?...Are you from Texas?
Felicia- Larry?...Did you even read my biography?
Larry- Who are you?
Felicia- I’m Felicia Sparkly damn it.
Larry- Huh.
Felicia- The famous recording star.
Larry- Well I’ll use the word famous loosely.
Felicia- Well I’ll use the word alive for you loosely.
Larry- Where were you born?
Felicia- Yonkers....No!....fuck....I was born in Melbourne Australia.
Larry- I went to Australia once....I woke up half naked and shouting the torah.
Felicia- Larry this interview is not about you!
Larry- Who are you?
Felicia- I’m Felicia Sparkly the famous recording star.
Larry- Ha!
Felicia- Larry? How come the words “Larry doesn’t know who Felicia is” are scrolling across the botoom of the monitor?....I think the people watching television get that concept already.
Larry- WAIT WE’RE ON TELEVISION?
Felicia- Yes Larry!
Larry- Since when?
Felicia- Larry you’ve had your show for over twenty years.
Larry- AND NO ONE TOLD ME ALL THIS TIME.
Felicia- Larry....it’s pretty obvious.
Larry- EVERYONE IS FIRED! INCLUDING YOU FELSHA!
Felicia- Larry I’m Felicia Sparkly.....and you cannot fire me....I’m the interviewee.
Larry- I’m interviewing you?
Felicia- YES!
Larry- Who are you?
Felicia- UGHH!....I’m Felicia Sparkly!....look just ask me another question.
Larry- You have an album?
Felicia- Yes...why thank you for asking. I actually just recorded a new album. It is a really personal confession about my childhood, struggles, past, and my hopes.
Larry- What was wrong with you childhood?
Felicia- Well, my father left when I was young and I really had to face the world alone.
Larry- Is that why you have a drinking problem?
Felicia- I don’t have a drinking problem.
Larry- What are we talking about?
Felicia- Larry...get with the picture, we are talkinh about my childhood in Melbourne
Australia.
Larry- My ninth wife was Australian.
Felicia- Well, I’m sure that’s wondeful......but how does that pertain to me?
Larry- I don’t know.
Felicia- Larry do you know anything?
Larry- I know lots of things!
Felicia- Like what Larry?
Larry- I know I died 5 years ago.
Felicia- Larry we all know that!
Larry- How long did it take to record your album?
Felicia- Two hours.
Larry- That’s not very long.
Felicia- Yes but it was the most emotionally draining two hours of my life.
Larry- Do you know of this Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like Tranny?
Felicia- Why?
Larry- Because my producer is telling me she / he helped promote your first album.
Felicia- Yes that is true.
Larry- She has an album now.
Felicia- Yes...I know that.....gggrr.
Larry- Grrr....your a tiger.
Felicia- What?
Larry- How is your tiger?
Felicia- I don’t have a tiger!
Larry- Yes you do!
Felicia- Larry! I don’t have a tiger!
Larry- Then what is in your vegas show?...HUH!...Oh got you there.
Felicia- I don’t have a Vegas show.
Larry- You are telling me you don’t have a huge magic act with tigers in Vegas?
Felicia- Yes!
Larry- Who are you?
Felicia- I’M FELICIA SPARKLY!!! I’M A RECORDING ARTIST AND I HAVE A NEW ALBUM COMING OUT. I DON’T HAVE A LIONS, OR TIGERS, OR BEARS OH MY. LARRY PAY ATTENTION. AHHHH I NEED A DRINK!
Larry- What’s your favorite drink?
Felicia- Gin and tonic.
Larry- Oh I like whiskey sours.
Felicia- Good for you!
Larry- How do you feel about the Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like Tranny’s album going ten times diamond?
Felicia- It only went nine times diamond Larry.
Larry- No it went another diamond ten minutes ago.
Felicia- #$@@^%$#^Y %#U)*)^%*)^%*)) &(^((&($%(&()#$%))&$)&) $#&)$)%%^^&*()(!!#$@#%$@^% $%^%# %#@#$$%&$## &&&&^$$ @#%%^^^^ &&*** ~~~~~``` @#@$%#$ %^$%& ^$& ^& $& $%^& @@$%#^ $%^ $@#% %$ *^%*&(9769&( 967( 67( $%67 3 @@7&^U56u %^U %^ ^%U %^U # u#4 u3u 3$U 3$ U^#U%&I*756!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Larry- So are are you upset about the Deborra-Lee Furness Look A Like Tranny’s album going ten times diamond?
Felicia- No. It is fine I wish her the best of luck.
Larry- Was your childhood happy?
Felicia- Like I said.....my childhood was not happy.
Larry- What was so unhappy about it?
Felicia- Without my father I felt alone.
Larry- Why did your father leave?
Felicia- HOLY COW A FOLLOW UP QUESTION!!!! GOOD JOB LARRY!
Larry- Huh?
Felicia- Well....before we got off topic again.....I think my father left because he had his own personal demons that he needed to address.
Larry- Was your mother upset about this?
Felicia- I mean yeah....wouldn’t you be upset if the love of your life ran away and had to get away from you?
Larry- Maybe.
Felicia- Well when my father left, my mother really became depressed and apathetic.
Larry- How did you deal with your parents being physically and emotionally absent?
Felicia- For a while I got very upset...I started cutting myself and devaluing myself......but one day I realized that I can’t fight their demons.
Larry- How was your relationship with your parents?
Felicia- I never really blamed myself for my parents’s problems. I just was very angry...I was angry at my dad for treating my mother like that and I was angry at my mom for allowing herself to demean her self worth and stand for the treatment my dad gave her.
Larry- I imagine that would be upsetting.
Felicia- Yeah it was.
Larry- How did your childhood affect who you are today.
Felicia- BOOO HOOO......oh god sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob.....THIS IS A VERY DIFFICULT THING FOR ME TO DISCUSS LARRY BOOO HOOO......oh god sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob.....I’M TERRIBLY SORRY....BOOO HOOO......oh god sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob.
Larry- Here have a tissue.
Felicia- Thank you.
Larry- Well we have to go to commercial break....but stay tuned because we will be back with more Fushia.
Felicia- LARRY MY NAME IS FELICIA!
Larry- What?
Felicia- You called my Fushia...my name is Felicia.
Larry- Where’s my assistant?
Felicia- You fired him.
Larry- Really?
Felicia- Yes...really you did Larry.
Larry- Well hire him!
Felicia- LARRY! He left the building.
Larry- Well then go get him.
Felicia- Larry! I don’t know where he went.
Larry- Then you get me my coffee.
Felicia- FINE!....I really don’t want to argue with you anymore Larry....I’ll get your stupid coffee.
Larry- Plain talking....Plain talking
Take us so far....take us so far
Broken down cars...broken down cars
Like strung-out old stars....like strung-out old stars

Plain talking....Plain talking
Served us so well....served us so well
We travelled through hell....travelled through hell
And oh how we fell.....Oh how we fell

Lift me up, lift me up
Higher now upper
Lift me up, lift me up
Higher now upper

Plain talking....Plain talking
Is making us cold....making us cold
So strung out and cold....so strung out and cold
I'm feeling so old......feeling so old

Plain talking....Plain talking)
Has ruined us now.....has ruined us now
You'll never know how.....never know how
Sweeter than thou......sweeter than thou

Lift me up, lift me up
Higher now ama
Lift me up, lift me up
Higher now ama
Lift me up, lift me up
Higher now ama
Lift me up, lift me up
Higher now amaLift me up, lift me up
Higher now ama
Lift me up, lift me up
Higher now amaLift me up, lift me up
Higher now ama
Lift me