Excerpt: Secrets

“Sorry about that, Joanie’s being a brat today.” Mandy raised her eyebrows at Ryan. She could never tell whether Joanie really was being a brat, or if Ryan was just playing the part of a constantly annoyed older sibling. It was very hard to tell.
A voice called in from the kitchen, “I’m not being a brat! You’re just being a total bitch because Dad made you stay home!” From somewhere inside the kitchen a door was slammed shut and something crashed onto the floor.
“Leave us alone, Loony Tunes or I’ll wash your mouth out with soap and some toxic substances. Got it?” There was no answer so Ryan spun toward Mandy and gestured toward the steps. “Shall we?”
“Why yes, I’d loved to dance with you. I thought you’d never ask,” Mandy said in a simpering voice before what she had said hit her. If she was going to make tell Ryan she was a lesbian, she’d definitely have to watch the almost lesbian jokes she made without thinking, just like every other person in high school in America.
Ryan laughed and closed the door to her room quietly. “So, what do you want? And then you can entertain me.”
Mandy cracked up. It was probably mostly her nerves, but it was kind of funny that both of her friends ordered her to entertain them on the same day. It was like she was the only free person out of everyone she knew.
Once she calmed down, after receiving strange stares from Ryan who knew better than to ask. “So I have something to tell you. Something serious. Really, really serious.” She watched her friend carefully and Ryan ran her fingers through her hair.
“I knew this day would come,” Ryan said melodramatically, trying to relax into the hard wood chair at her desk. “It’s alright. You can have him. I don’t like him very much anyways. I only went out with him ‘cause he asked and I wanted to go on a date with somebody. It’s not like I want to mate for life with him.”
Mandy stared at Ryan. “What are you talking about?” She asked, feeling very confused. Ryan was talking about boys when she was going to confess to being a lesbian.
“Ricky. You like him and you’re worried about it because I went out with him on Friday. Well trust me, there was nothing there. No spark, no warmth, no- man that was dirty.” Mandy waited for Ryan to talk herself out.
When she did, Mandy explained, “Uh, no. You’re welcome to keep him.”
“Oh.” It was either Mandy’s imagination or Ryan looked kind of disappointed. She couldn’t believe that Ryan wanted to give Ricky to somebody else, but then again she could. Ricky really wasn’t Ryan’s type. “Well, tell me.” Mandy took a deep breath and opened her mouth to speak, but Ryan cut her off. “Stop being so melodramatic. Did you fail a test? Or –gasp– your parents are making Kyle come home for a visit?”
“Ry! Stop it! You’re making light!” Ryan laughed and Mandy slapped her on the arm. “You’re so awful. I really mean it.”
“Fine, fine just tell me. The anticipation is absolutely-” Mandy shot her friend a nasty look and Ryan held her hands up defensively. “Yeah, I’m done now. Take it away, Ern.”
“See, I’ve known for a while, but I didn’t um, know how to tell you, although I’ve kind of wanted to because, you know, you’re my, erm, best friend, so this is kind of, you know, hard for me to just say this ‘cause, uh, I haven’t exactly told anyone else, so you’ll be the first person to know besides of course me, but you knew that…” Mandy trailed off, realizing that this was going to be harder than she thought.
Quickly, she glanced up at Ryan who actually looked kind of worried. “I should probably just spit it out.”
“Yeah, probably.”
Mandy wrung her hands together. “So um yeah, I like-” She stopped quickly, unable to believe she was actually telling Ryan her biggest secret. Ryan gestured for her to continue. “I don’t like boys.” She stopped pacing in front of her friend and looked her straight in the eye.
Ryan just stared at her. “Wait, I’m confused. What do you mean, you don’t like boys?”
Mandy just shrugged. “I just don’t like boys in that way, like you do.” Comprehension dawned on Ryan’s face as she realized what Mandy meant.
“Wait, so you’re a-” Ryan stopped just short of saying it and Mandy sat down hard on the bed as her legs gave out. Waiting for Ryan to react was even harder than telling her, Mandy realized.
“Yeah,” She said, forcing the tears to stay in her eyes and not trickle down her face. Mandy was succeeding, but only just. The tears were threatening to spill over any second. Her voice quivered as she said, “I’m a lesbian.” She had a smile on her face, but it was the sad smile of someone who had just done something scary like she had.
“Oh.” They sat in silence, Mandy not even trying to see the expression on Ryan’s face. It was too nerve wracking to even think about. “So, um, do you want to talk about it?” Mandy lifted her shoulders slowly, then let them fall. She had no idea what she wanted, she couldn’t even remember what had possessed her to tell Ryan. “So I was way off base when I asked you about Ricky, wasn’t I?”
Mandy nodded. “Yeah. Just a bit.” Ryan was taking it better than Mandy thought she would, although there was still plenty of time for a freak out. Or what if Ryan just stopped talking to Mandy altogether? Mandy felt like going back to bed and never getting up again. Why had she told Ryan? Why had she put their friendship at jeopardy for a stupid thing like telling the truth?
“Do you want to change the subject or can I ask you some questions? Because I have to admit, I’m pretty curious about it myself.” Mandy nodded slowly. She didn’t want to have a long in depth conversation analyzing her sexuality, but if Ryan wanted to ask a few questions, she deserved that. “Ok first of all, how long have you known?”
“Um, I don’t know,” Mandy whispered hoarsely. “Freshman year I guess.”
“Alright,” Ryan nodded as though that were acceptable. “Why didn’t you tell me then? I’m your best friend; I have the right to know these things.” Mandy kneaded her hands into the bedspread. “Not only do I have the right, I want to know these things. I hate that you had secrets from me. Why?”
Mandy shrugged and didn’t answer the question for several long minutes. She didn’t want Ryan to think she didn’t trust her, because that wasn’t it, but that’s what it sounded like. “I didn’t tell anyone. I was just scared.” She shrugged again and began pulling herself a little tighter together.
Ryan frowned, but nodded. “Ok third question, and I swear this is the last and by far the most important in my mind.” Mandy bit her lip nervously. She didn’t even want to think about what Ryan was going to ask, but she did kind of owe her for not telling in three years of knowing. “Do you think that I’m hot?”
“What?” Her mouth dropped open. Ryan stood up, grinning, and struck a pose.
“Do you think I’m hot? I mean, guys say I’m hot and stuff, but they’ll say anything for sex. Hell, they’ll say George Washington was hot if it’ll get ‘em sex, so I can’t really trust them. You on the other hand, I can trust you.”
Mandy turned red and muttered her answer under her breath. Ryan leaned forward, indicating that she couldn’t hear and Mandy repeated herself louder. “Of course you’re hot, everyone in the school knows that.”
“They do, don’t they? Well, I must say they have quite good taste, and so do you. But don’t think I’ve forgotten you waited this long to tell me. I’m going to remember that for a very long time.” Mandy relaxed, realizing that Ryan was completely ok with it.
Never in her wildest dreams did she think Ryan would take it that well. She hadn’t even taken it that well when she’d realized it freshman year. There had been lots of sitting in her room, staring at the wall trying to figure out what the hell it had all meant. Ryan seemed to take it in stride, as though she’d known for years and just had it confirmed. “Did you know already? You’re acting like…”
“No, of course not. If I had known, I would’ve told you ages ago, silly,” Ryan said, waving her hand in a wild dismissal. “But Clark’s gay, so I guess the second gay friend is no longer shocking.”
“Clark’s gay? Clark Sherwood?” Ryan nodded. “How did I not know this?” Mandy felt even better when she realized another friend was gay. Maybe sometime she should talk to Clark about it. About what exactly, Mandy didn’t know, but it was comforting just to know she could.
“So I guess this is it then. I’m assuming this is all you had to tell me?” Mandy nodded, having decided not to tell Ryan she liked her. “Ok good. I’m cool with the whole lesbian thing, but I don’t think I could take much more than that calmly in one night.”
“Oh, well that’s it. For a while at least. Who knows when something else major in my life might happen?” Ryan laughed and Mandy even managed a little chuckle. “So we’re good then?”
“Definitely. We’re definitely good.”
Mandy nodded, smiling her first real smile in what seemed like forever. “Good.”