Excerpt:

“Mom, I…I have something to tell you.” She added, “It’s a good thing, I promise!” before Arlene had a chance to interject with an Oy, the doctor has called you about my health and you know I’m dying, that’s it, isn’t it? “A good thing,” she repeated. “Mom, I’m…I’m in love.” She clenched her eyes shut, waiting for the inevitable In love! Feh, what is he, some sort of no good lay about guy? What does he do for a living? How is he supposed to support my daughter and keep me in Prozac?

But it didn’t come. Instead:

“Oh, honey! I’m so happy for you!”

Toni and Ali answered, unsurprisingly, in unison: “You are?”

“I am! I had hoped this would happen! Where did you meet him?”

“I met him at work, actually. At the school,” Ali answered, warily.

Arlene’s bright smile flickered briefly with confusion, but then returned to its recent luminosity. “Ah, so he likes children!”

“I…suppose so,” Ali answered.

“So, you met him at work and you fell in love instantly,” Arlene surmised.

Ali smiled, remembering. “No, not really. We met at school, but it took a while. He kind of got on my nerves at first.”

Arlene smiled, remembering. “Yes, he got on my nerves at first, too.”

Improbably, Ali and Toni spoke at the same time again. “What?” they exclaimed. Ali coughed a few times, nearly choking on the sip of water she had just taken.

“You…you’ve met him?” Ali asked, aghast.

“You know him?” Toni asked.

“Of course I know him! I just didn’t know you knew him, Alison. Oh, this is going to save so much time and trouble!”

“What do you mean?” Ali asked, taking a deep gulp of her water. She was suddenly very hot, and her throat was suddenly very dry.

“He called me this morning and asked my permission to take you out.”

Toni started. “He asked your permission to take her out? What is this, the seventeenth century? Jesus.”

“I thought it was very sweet,” Arlene retorted.

“How did he get your phone number?” Ali asked. This was all too surreal.

“I assume his father gave it to him,” Arlene answered in a matter of fact manner. “He’s such a nice, old fashioned boy. His father is so proud of him.”

Ali’s water went down her throat the wrong way again. She spoke loudly in between coughs, while Toni patted her back. “You know his father?”

“Of course I know his father, darling. You know that.”

“No, I don’t know that! How on earth was I supposed to know that? He hasn’t even introduced me to his father!”

Arlene laughed. “Ali, don’t be silly. His father is a good man, a strong man, a smart man. You’ve met him many times.”

No one knew what to say for a moment, and the silence was pervasive. Silence between these three women was a completely unheard of occurrence, and it was enough to lure Lindsey out of her room to see what was going on. She snuck from her room into the kitchen, and got a snack out of the refrigerator. She didn’t want anyone to know she was there; she preferred to watch the discussion as if it were on TV.

“I’ve…Mom? What do you mean I’ve met his father many times?” Ali cold not for the life of her figure out what on earth her mother was talking about. Could it be possible? Could her mother know Charlie’s father without her knowing about it? Oh my god, are Charlie and I first cousins or something? No, no, he must just be one of those people my mom runs into everywhere, like the deli and the mall. I must have just met him a couple of times, and not paid attention. Right? Right?

“His father is my doctor, Dr. Dreyfus! You know Dr. Dreyfus, he’s my close, personal doctor; the only person in this whole world I really trust with my health. I know I have other doctors, but I always go to Dr. Dreyfus after I see them to make sure he agrees and knows what they’re talking about. I can’t believe he didn’t mention that to you. You would have thought it would have come up in conversation once or twice, since Dr. Dreyfus and I are so close and know each other so well.”

“Mom, his last name is Sussman, not Dreyfus,” Ali said. Now, she was even more confused.

Arlene argued, “No, his last name is most definitely Dreyfus. I saw his driver’s license when he was here the other day.”

“And I’ve seen his ID at school,” Ali told her mother, still trying to put two and two together. Unfortunately, she kept coming up with five or nine or twelve. “His name is Charles Sussman.”

“His name is Todd Dreyfus!” Arlene argued.

Silence again. Then:

“Oh my god, you’re talking about two different guys!” Lindsey shouted incredulously from her perch next to the breakfast bar.

The three women started. They had no idea she was sitting there. Then, all three in unison: “Oh my god, we’re talking about two different guys.”

It took them a moment to process. Finally, Ali spoke up. “Mom, who the hell are you talking about?”

“Todd Dreyfus, Dr. Dreyfus’s son! Who are you talking about?”

“Charlie Sussman, my boyfriend! Wha…So…You…” She couldn’t find the right words. “You accepted a date for me with some guy I’ve never even met?”