Excerpt: Stories of the House: Being a Collection of Tales of the House, of Weary Travelers, Other Lands, and General Nonsense

First Spiral
First Circle

Old Man Clock
There is an old man in the entry hall
Who ticks and tocks all night long
I come to him and ask of he
‘Why do you tock? Pray tell me.’
His whiskers twitched and pointed to nine
Old Man Clock, well that’s just fine
a little chickadee going twee, twee, twee
Twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, twee, twee, twee
The pendulum of the Old Man Clock
Is a rotten hand twitching all night long
It swings and twitches and rocks ‘til dawn
it goes tick tock in Old Man Clock
Twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, tock, tock, tock
Old Man Clock he opened his eyes
And stared at me as I started with fright
‘What are you doing in the front entry?’
He said as much, very gently
‘Come, don’t be shy. Pray tell me.’
The clock struck ten, hand and chickadee
Twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, twee, twee, twee
‘I need a candle from the entry hall’
I whispered and whimpered at the Old Man Clock
That old man, he raged at me
‘Foolish boy, don’t you see!’
You thief! You weasel! You little lackey!’
‘Don’t you see that’s thievery?’
‘The clock struck eleven, the chickadee went ‘teehee!’
Twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, twee, twee, twee
‘You steal from me a friend of my own?’
‘Welcome guest of this house disowned
‘your punishment at twelve will be’
Twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, twee, twee, twee
I gape and stare at the cracked Old Clock
‘Truly sir, spare a candle could you not
‘to light my way out of the wood so fraught?’
Clock raged again, ‘you’ll not have my friend!’
‘such careless use, he would melt to his end!’
Tick tock tick tock says the clock
Twitch, twitch, twee, twee,
the hand and little chickadee
‘Foolish Clock! Old Cracked Clock!’
‘Find a new candle, for your friend I care not!’
Old Man Clock, he raged at me.
‘Your punishment at twelve will be!’
‘You selfish, impudent rude little boy!’
‘Your body on the floor in front of me!’
‘Old man Clock you don’t scare me!’
Twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, twee, twee, twee
The rat ran down with the chickadee
Twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, twee, twee, twee
The clock struck twelve and he looked at me
Twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, twee, twee, twee
‘Old man Clock you don’t scare m- ’

Dust bunnies crawling across the floor
Under the couch and under the boards
Spreading dust and soot and fuzz
Feeling very nice to the touch
A bed made of dust bunnies
A pillow made of soot
Your hair is black
your feet are warm
thank the dust bunnies
They’re very good

Windows are shuttering
Books all a cluttering
Spoons dance on the roof
Ruffling feathers
Spectacular letters
A toadstool soup
Dust bunnies bouncing
While demons are dancing
Ghost and ghouls delight
Glow worms spread about
Twist and give a shout
The cats playing all night
A party tonight
From dusk ‘til dawn
A tapping in the walls
And Music down the halls
The jukebox is running full time
Headless mounts yawn
Spectors run along
While billiard balls click a rhyme
An orange warm cloud
Floats right on by
Out of the kitchen
And into the mind
Tickling the mice
Right out of their holes
Plenty of cheese for
Rodents alike to hold
Curtains a waving
Gravediggers are spacing
The wolves don’t howl at the moon
The zombies not moaning
The floor boards not groaning
Everyone having a great time
The little girl ghost
Who is such a great host
She sits all alone
By the dusty library zone
She is writing in her diary
While listening to old time music
Pumpkin juice is flowing
The moonlight is growing
Every dark soul has turned up
The vampires arrive
Quite beautiful and spry
Always quiet as a ghost
The gentle Mr. Hyde
Who just wants to have a good time
Hear! Hear! Raise a toast.
The gremlins are pounding
The whistles are sounding
The vampires drink wine glasses of blood
A headless man will tell a story
About the times of nightly glory
The candles float quietly on by
All are listening
Eagerly anticipating
The stories in which they delight
Suddenly an interruption
Does break the discussion
The doors burst down
‘The vampire hunters!’
The pale ones splutter
‘They just never know when to quit!’
They flew into a rage
Casting aside their capes
Then ran away from their foes
While the mice run for cover
And the whole house shudders
The demons stopped their dance cold
‘I’m sorry sirs you’ll have to leave’
The head Spirit said as kindly as could be
The poor baffled humans looked on
They set upon the gentle creatures
The fight sent up the Screechers
Everybody covered their ears in vain
The poor armored knight
Had to calm them down from fright
Before anyone could continue on
Chaos ensued
The jukebox changed tune
And every dark creature was dancing
Flit about the clumsy humans
Avoiding their silly weapons
The werewolf sent up a howl
The curtains on humans draping
The hunters were all a flailing
The cook spilled the Jell-O on the floor
The pots and pans a clanging
The sink started draining
And a poor sap got a door to the head
Jitterbugs started raining
They thought it was entertaining
To see everyone dance about so
The bats were all flustered
And around the enemy they clustered
The men fell down with a thump
The little girl came crying
A lamp came suddenly flying
And hit the lead hunter in the head
The vampire scooped up the child
And turned on the men so wild
‘How dare you hurt her so!’
They knocked the men about
Then threw them harshly out
Into the cold white snow
The candelabra’s beat the rest
Until they ran into the nest
Of dust bunnies fuzzy and black
The dust bunnies pelted
Although the men hardly felt it
An honorable attempt at least
They then threw them out
And with a shout
The rascals were now gone
Then with a slam
The party they began
That had so rudely been interrupted.
The punch went around
The eyeballs bounced up and down
The skeletons took the dance floor
They danced and twirled
‘til the clouds by curled
And the dawn crept through the windows
But those silly undead
Some of them need to get a head
They kept right on after the morn!