Excerpt: 30 Steps On How to Not Get What You Want

It's not that hard. You don't even have to make an effort. Just go to some place crowded (mall, bathroom mall, government office) and the ideas automatically start hurling themselves at you like paint balls. Those that hit you in the face and make you bowl over win. The imaginary paint seeps into your brain and sticks and coats and burns your eyes and there you have it. An idea. A want.

So you take this advice and go home early from work. Your feet are sore because of the five-inch heels you wear, but you trudge on, and are partly satisfied by the perverted looks directed at your butt. You go to the nearest mall and pretend that you have enough money in your purse to buy an ice cream cone and you hold your chin up, proud of your ironed office coat, your ironed office pants, your secondhand heels that make your bum stick out, and you hunt for that want.

Your first stop is the cafe. Cafes are an ideal place for your purpose because they are the breeding ground for fellow idea-stealers. You stare at the person in front of you. She is wearing shiny, figure-hugging leggings and you think, "you got that from Lindsay Lohan". You move your head to the left and you spot a guy wearing shutter shades while reading Cosmo. Yes, he got that from Kanye West (the shades, of course, not the Cosmo. Well. Maybe.). You look to the right and you see middle-aged Korean men talking about salvation. Obviously, they got that from Jesus.

You use the time standing in line to think. You weigh the pros and cons of wanting to
be/see/love Lindsay, Kanye, or Jesus, and you realize that being/following a crackwhore, a talentless hack, and the son of God are not viable options for your life right now. You need something feasible, or at least something you can accomplish if you win the lottery. So you look around some more until the woman at the other side of the counter forcibly smiles at you and asks what unreasonably expensive cup of crap you want to buy. You suddenly remember being broke so you avoid the embarassment by ordering Peppermint Mocha, perfectly aware that they only serve that brew during Christmas. And it is April. The woman forces another smile and tells you its not available and you put a look on your face that says "Aw" and walk away without another word.