Excerpt: Determined to Die

"Follow me." Kaleb stepped past me and I found myself walking in the direction I had come. We walked together in silence for a few minutes. We had just passed my room when he turned to the door and opened it. We had been next door neighbors, and I had not even known. I stepped inside. As I looked around, I realized that his room looked different than the others I had seen. It seemed much cleaner. It seemed much larger. It seemed more like a home than a prison.

"H-how did you manage this?" I stammered. Turning my eyes to his face, I saw a smile resting in his eyes and mouth.

"I have many tricks up my sleeve," he winked, "Really, all I had to do was think of this place as a home instead of jail, and my body automatically decided what to do to make it a physical home. That is where almost everyone else in the orphanage fails: they hate living here, and their rooms reflect their hatred. I can assure you that if you stepped inside Arliese's room- if, by some miracle, that happened- then it would reflect what she likes. So you most likely would not like it." He winked at me. I couldn't help but smile. But his talk had also made me self-conscious: I really had been having such a bad attitude about my new home that I had been making it worse for myself. I had half the mind to march right out and let my body decide how to make my own room looked at home, but as Kaleb pointed to a small pillow that was lying on the ground, I remembered that I still needed to finish my life story.

...

I traveled the three steps to my own room and unlocked the door.

My room seemed worse than it had before. It was awful. It made me feel like everything happy had been sucked out of my very being just to lay eyes on the pitiful bed. The moth eaten curtains. The simple prison-like aura. I had never liked my room, but after experiencing the homeliness of Kaleb's, it seemed even worse than normal. I clenched my eyes shut.

"This is home, not a prison," I whispered to myself, "It doesn't need to be how you make it." I opened my eyes… The room looked the same. Things obviously were not as easy for me as they were for Kaleb.

...

"Kaleb, I don't get how you do this. No matter how happy I try to be, and no matter how much I try to enforce it in my brain that my room is a home, and not a prison, it just won't change. It still feels the same. It makes me feel trapped. It just feels dark and… Disgusting!"

"Oh, Sam," Kaleb smiled mysteriously at me, "Happiness is not the answer."

"Then what is?"

"You are going to have to figure that out for yourself. Because if I just tell you, then you will not truly have it. You might never get it. Once you actually have what you need, you will know. All you will have to do is simply open your eyes and everything will feel, see, and smell different."

"But how can you be sure I'll know?"

"Because it was the same for me," Kaleb's patience was becoming irritating in a very odd way, "You will just know."

...

"I know!" I laughed back, "It really won't be terrible to live here. Although it is certainly not my home of choice, I'm content with it." We smiled at each other. I looked at the stool once more, and then up. But as I did so, something felt different. The room still looked exactly the same, but something felt different. It did not feel miserable, even though it looked so. It looked like…

A home.

I looked at Kaleb, my mouth gaping open. He was grinning widely at me.

"It… It feels like a home!" I stuttered, shocked.

"Congratulations, Sam! You have found out how to make the most terrible of places feel like a home."

"But… I haven't," I shook my head, confused, "I didn't do anything. I don't know how I did it. It just feels different. I don't feel particularly happy about it…"

"That is not how to do it anyway, as we already discussed," Kaleb reminded me, "But you pretty much gave yourself the answer. You said exactly how you feel about it, and then it changed."

"But…"

"Think, Samantha. It is certainly not your home of choice, but… But what?" I racked my brain, trying to remember.

"But… I am content?" I looked at him hopefully.

"Exactly! Happiness does not change circumstances. Especially forced happiness, which is what I am pretty sure you were feeling when you tried last time. It is contentment. It feels great, does it not?"

"Yeah…" I nodded slowly, "It does… It's amazing… It really does feel like a home. Like I'm back at my own house with my mom and dad."

"Exactly!" Kaleb jumped up, not able to withhold his excitement any longer, "You have finally got it! I am very proud of you."

"And I…" I smiled with genuine happiness, "I am content."