Excerpt: The Blame Bearer

Keelan Fitzgerald sat on the uncomfortable metal graveside chair shrouded by the standard green acrylic cover, with her eight-year-old nephew Quinn to her right and her mother Anna to her left, watching the NYPD color guard decked out in their full-dress uniforms carry her brothers’ coffin from the hearse as a lone bagpiper played Amazing Grace. The polished gold buttons on their uniforms would have gleamed in the sun, along with their 8-point duty cap brims, but instead, the reflection of gray clouds shown in their shiny patent leather sheen.

Carson Fitzgerald’s coffin was draped with the standard NYPD green and white flag, the five alternating stripes signifying the five boroughs. As far as the eye could see, there was a sea of blue to pay their last respects to a name that seemed synonymous with the force, which for the Fitzgerald clan was the family business. This wasn’t the first NYPD funeral Keelan had been to but she swore it would be her last. All told, this was her sixth funeral she attended where flags were folded, 21 gun salutes were had, the Emerald Society band led the funeral procession and bagpipes as well as bugles mourned the passing of another fallen police officer and another dead member of her family. Keelan thought the Fitzgerald’s had spilled enough blood for the city of New York and its outlying boroughs.

The overcast day fit the mood of the somber occasion. Keelan was of the opinion that birds shouldn’t be singing today, nor should the sun be shining with the other half of her self was waiting to be lowered six feet into the ground. She brushed back a lock of black, curly hair that had fallen in her blue eyes, then placed her arm on the back of her nephews chair, her hand resting comfortably on his small shoulder, just like Carson had done with her when they were kids attending their fathers’ funeral. It’s funny how history repeats itself, she thought. Quinn’s mother and Carson’s widow, Katie, sat in her black dress looking forward but not seeing much of what was going on. Her green eyes were electric from the crying she’d done. She held onto Quinn’s small hand like it would tether her to earth or maybe just tether her to some small part of Carson that remained. Her other hand rested on her swollen belly, protecting the twins that would never get to know their father in first person.

As the family’s parish priest spoke about Carson’s bravery and nobility, Keelan’s eyes flitted across the officer’s standing at attention across the casket, wondering if any of them were watching her, wishing they could place handcuffs around her wrists. Decked out in all black, including her trademark black leather trench, she made a memorable, if not intimidating, impression. She also looked like the criminal element she was. She usually hid her eyes behind dark sunglasses but not today. Today she wanted to see clearly and she wanted others to see her clearly too. She wanted no mistake about her amount of grief and she knew, as did most, that her eyes never told a lie. If she wanted someone to take her word, all she would have to do was slide her dark sunglasses down her nose and let the person in front of her see the truth in those eyes. It was usually enough incentive to open even the most silent mouths.

When her visual tour of the masses, all standing at attention in front of her, was over she noticed a few sneers thrown her way and she replied in kind with hard looks of her own. It didn’t bother her, she was used to the looks and the barbed comments; nor the disappointment she was to her family but she would not be intimidated or made to feel she had no place mourning her slain brother. Although today, for a brief moment she wanted to give in to the weakness, she wanted to stand and scream, “Piss off, my brother’s dead!” As her mind was about to disconnect once again, she heard a choked sob, much like the sound of a broken heart trying to be stifled. Looking in the direction the cry had come from, her own bruised heart broke a little more. It was Katie; Sweet, sweet Katie, her mind supplied very much on its own. Katie was the only lass she begrudged her brother for winning.

Carson and Keelan met Katie on the same night. They were visiting a local pub and Katie was waiting tables. She was a vision of petite beauty with her corkscrew hair bouncing, her fair skin dotted with freckles, the tights jeans molding to her lower body and a pink shirt outlining her ample chest. The twins both wore expressions of interest in the college junior who was a few years younger than the siblings. They couldn’t decide if the view of her was better coming or going but neither could argue the things her dimpled smile did to them. The adjectives used in conversations about their waitress were ‘melt’ and ‘putty’ among others. As they continued to order beer after beer to get Katie to visit their table, the twins both did their best to win over the beautiful Irish lass that night but in the end it was Carson that had the most charm…but just barely. At least that’s what Katie told them later. Keelan always suspected it was his manly mustache that tipped Katie over the edge.

Carson and Katie started dating right away and were together as much as their schedules would allow. Two months later, an unexpected surprise in the form of a blue line on a white stick had them planning a quick wedding. Seven months later, Quinlan Macallister Fitzgerald made his way into their lives—the spitting image of his father and aunt. In subsequent years they spoke of how lucky they were that getting married so soon hadn’t been a mistake. They were obviously in love with their unexpected son binding them closer. Though Katie didn’t get to finish her college education on time, she still earned her degree in Nursing after Quinn was old enough for daycare.

Hearing another soft sob, Keelan kissed Quinn on the side of the head as she lifted him onto her lap and slid over into his chair. The arm that was holding vigil on Quinn’s shoulder now rested on Katie’s and the dark hair that made a home there moments earlier was replaced with curly reddish-blonde corkscrews. Katie turned her face into Keelan’s shoulder and wetted the leather of her coat. In Keelan’s mind a mantra began to loop, “I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry…again.” She closed her eyes as a memory suddenly flashed before her eyes from just a few months ago and a heavy burden slammed upon her shoulders not for the first time since her brother had been killed in the line of duty.

“Kee, I’m tryin’ to be serious here. This is important to me.” Carson implored his younger sister.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

A light touch on her forearm made the memory dissolve and turn her focus on her mother. She took the tissue her Ma was holding and gently wiped Katie’s face as she sat up straighter.

Anna Fitzgerald continued looking at her remaining child, and once again, thought what a disappointment she’d been and in secret corners of her mind, wishing Carson was sitting here instead of Keelan. She could never figure out how the smart, young girl turned into such a rebellious young woman whose path always tended to skew to the left of good. No matter what she did or said, she couldn’t seem to get through to her. After her husband Thomas passed, she had moments where she thought she’d have to beat the devil out of Keelan but Carson would give her a look, take Keelan aside and with a nod of her head, she’d promise to behave. She couldn’t help but wonder who was going to keep her in line and out of trouble now. She knew her son did his fair share of deflecting attention from his sister along with their family name. She was still embarrassed that a child of hers, a Fitzgerald, had served prison time. Anna wasn’t certain she’d ever forgive her daughter that transgression. There were so many infractions piling up, Anna didn’t know which one would be the straw that broke a mother’s back. A whispered, “Ma,” brought her back to the moment and she realized she had missed the Benediction. Another thing she would no doubt blame her daughter for.

The only thing left of this day was the traditional wake that followed the service. Food would be served, whiskey and beer would be imbibed and Keelan would do her best to steer clear of most of the guests paying their respects and Anna would do her best to steer clear of her daughter. Except for her son dying, this was a typical family gathering for Anna.