The Trials Of A Greengrocer (Provisional Title - I'll Think Of Something Much Wittier In December)
an excerpt

[I think I need to slow down, lest my entire novel succumb to the garbage below]

“Mr. Robinson is coming!” Doug warned from the door. Sure enough, through the window, Mr. Robinson’s silvery hair and white suit could be seen strolling through the crowd down the high street. Fortunately, he was delayed at the door for a while as there were several old people blocking the entrance, examining the special gherkin display by the door. This gave the staff the opportunity to put in their earplugs.

Even so, the noise couldn’t be completely blocked out. Titus Robinson leapt into the middle of the room, tore a megaphone from the harness on his belt, and shouted through it, “I KNOW YOUR GAME, GREEN!”

Half of the old people in the shop collapsed, suffering from heart attacks at the sudden earth-shattering noise (part of Titus Robinson’s plan might also have been to cause structural damage to the shop). The other half of the old people must have been deaf.

“Good evening, Titus!” Mr. Green said jovially, despite the fact that it was just gone 9am. “So you know my game, do you? I am not surprised! It’s no secret that my one single aim is to sell the best quality goods in the world, for the best prices!”

“OH, THE BEST PRICES YOU SAY?” Titus Robinson continued through his megaphone. “YOU MEAN, THE BEST PRICES FOR YOUR POCKET! I NOTICE YOUR TOMATOES ARE 40 PENCE EACH! 40 WHOLE PENCE! MY TOMATOES ARE A MERE 38 PENCE! AND THEY ARE ACTUALLY REAL TOMATOES, NOT ROTTEN POTATOES PAINTED RED!”

“Rotten potatoes painted red?” Mr. Green repeated, with mock disbelief in his voice. “What on earth are you talking about, Titus? I source my tomatoes from the famous tomato growing valleys of Namibia, where they are given unique juiciness by the high organic content of the soil, thanks to dying elephants!”

“YES, I’LL BET YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE ROTTING CORPSES,” Titus Robinson replied. “OR MAYBE NOT, SEEING AS YOU PUT SO MANY ARTIFICIAL FLAVOURINGS AND ADDITIVES IN YOUR FOOD! MY TOMATOES ARE PRODUCED IN EASTERN ENGLAND, BY GOOD OLD BRITISH SOIL, AND PUT STRAIGHT FROM THE PLANT INTO THE PACKET, WITH NO ADDED CHEMICALS!”

“Well now, Mr. Robinson, that’s hardly a great achievement,” Mr. Green rebuffed. “To be quite honest, it’s much easier to pick some fruit and put it in a packet, but all that plastic is bad for the environment! That’s why my produce comes only in paper bags, or none at all! We run a carbon neutral business, unlike your smog factory over there! Now, if you’ll excuse me, Mr. Robinson, we have customers to serve. Don’t you?” Mr. Green said, smiling broadly.

“HAHAHAHAHAHA,” Mr. Robinson laughed through the megaphone. “I KNOW YOUR SECRETS, YOU TREACHEROUS LITTLE WART! I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU PAINTING YOUR VEGETABLES GREEN! ARE THESE REALLY GREEN BEANS, OR ARE THEY JUST GREEN CIGARETTE BUTTS, I WONDER? ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!” And with that, Mr. Robinson picked up a green bean and put it into his mouth. “AH, NO, I CAN’T TELL WHAT THEY ARE, FOR ALL THE ADDED SUGAR! IT’S AS IF I’M EATING ICE CREAM!” Mr. Robinson laughed again.

“Eight pence please,” Mr. Green said, charging Titus Robinson for the bean he had just eaten.

“I’LL GIVE YOU TEN!” Titus Robinson said. “YOU’RE GOING UNDER, GREEN! YOU NEED AS MUCH HELP AS YOU CAN GET! Actually, I’ve changed my mind, give me my two pence change,” he continued, lowering the megaphone.

“Here you go!” Mr. Green said, handing over a shiny two pence coin. Mr. Robinson examined it meticulously, as if not believing that it was real, or perhaps that it belonged to an alternate dimension, and then, finally accepting its validity, walked slowly out of the shop, backwards, never taking his eyes off Mr. Green.

“I’VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU, GREEN!” he yelled, backing into the street. A large crowd had gathered around the door, as they always did when the two grocers collided. Titus Robinson began appealing to the crowd to visit his shop with his megaphone, and then led the way back to it. About two people followed him, and the rest just laughed and went across the road into Tesco.