[FANTASY] Gods, Devils and Birds

Length, Draft and Language 1557 words, Draft 2.0

Brief Summary (not more than 300 words) A thief steals a phoenix egg to get magical powers.

Sub Genre & Keywords - fantasy, dark fantasy, sword and sorcery.

Known Issues - This is a rewrite of a previous draft that had the following problems: too many unexplained terms, characters that were flat, sensory deprivation, non-use of tags, telling and showing in the wrong places.

Critique Requested - I want to know if the stuff from known issues is still an issue. Are there parts that are confusing? Is there Info dump in the wrong places?

Critique Tolerance - 10--burn me, as long as you're specific.

Experience & Goals - Second draft, trying to get this published. Was on critique circle.

Anything else? Disclaimers (violence, strong language, graphic sex, etc.) If you're offended with the idea of someone eating a god, or you won't read stories where someone eats a raw egg, this isn't for you.
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Celdron was supposed to steal a green phoenix--feng huang egg as the locals called it--egg from the nest. According to Kendra, his informant, the nest was one-hundred-forty paces straight from the center main chamber from there several tunnels curved out from the center. The path he was supposed to go down was level. He saw the light at one-hundred-twenty-nine paces. He looked around and saw the open sky. Maybe his paces were larger than hers? He looked at the map of the cave and the instructions. He traced his finger along the path. The map was so confusing. How did these people get around?

There were rumors that they believed the birds were psychic, but everyone outside of this city in the North knew that was just crap they made up to boast how great these stupid birds were. How the locals could think they were Gods because they were big was beyond Celdron.

It had to be this exit. Alright, there had to be a ledge. He peered out to the left. He thought about the old convention of not looking down, but found himself looking at how wide the ledge was anyhow. He tried not to get dizzy from the drop down. He calmed his mind. Alright, this was the first time he had to steal something from so high, but the principle should be the same. He breathed. He counted the width of the ledge with his boot. It was exactly five boot widths across. He went to the right. He put his back to the wall and sled a foot along the ledge. It was windy this far up. Even with the coat he wore, it was still chilly. He wished for the warmth of his cloak, but knew it wasn't smart to go out with a cloak in weather like this.
He suddenly was aware of his knapsack. It was hanging from his belt too low. His leg work was getting mashed up. He was stuck half way here and half way back.

Kendra in her most authoritative bird guard tone had said he only had two candles to get the egg and escape. They would be back from patrolling for kleyersha soon. Celdron privately thought that kleyersha was also a hoax. But it took a thief to know a thief.

He carefully reached down for the sack and hitched it up. A strong wind whipped into his face. He tried not to scream and hung on with all his might. This path was longer than he was expecting. After he breathed more deeply, he shifted the sack up and tried to tie the loose straps with one hand into a knot. he shifted the whole thing to his left side.
He moved his feet side to side again along the ledge. The ledge was gently curving up. He finally saw the nest. It seemed further than Kendra had told him it was. It was beyond him why a guard would sell out her own gods.
He finally reached the nest which was huge. He had to climb up the sides to get inside. It smelled vaguely sweet and spicy mixed with the smell that must have been the birds themselves.

Kendra hadn't told him that the eggs were supposed to glow. It was almost beautiful. Such a shame that he was going to eat it for magical powers. He now believed it when he'd heard from that tavern down South a solaros ago that one could get magical powers from eating these eggs. Why else would they make such a complex maze in the rock face?
Maybe the lunaros of planning were worth it. He selected the smallest looking egg, as he'd agreed with Kendra. It was more out of practicality of bringing it back than it was respect.

He cracked the egg not able to resist just a taste of his victory. It tasted gooey and sweet in his mouth. However, this was just the egg white. He really wanted to taste the yolk.

"Those bird worshipers don't know what they're missing!" he said.

He took the cracked egg and replaced the pieces of the egg. He used the sappy material that Kendra had given him to seal the egg. He was surprised it worked so well.

The embryo shouldn't have developed visibly yet. At least that's what Kendra had told him. It would make him feel a little guilty to eat the actual bird.

Despite it being smaller than the others it was still half his height. He untied his knapsack. He took out the fine net. He wrapped it around the egg. Perfect fit. He hitched it up onto his back with the straps he'd made earlier. The egg now glowed weirdly. He ignored it.

The sun had moved a lot. He had maybe one candle left from looking at his shadow. The birds would be back soon. He couldn't stall.

The straps cut into his shoulders. He tried to find his balance and stepped out onto the ledge. He had to go face first this time. The torque of the egg made him bend backwards. He struggled to hold onto the cliff. It made him wonder how the riders of these birds could do this every day.

He finally made it back to the tunnel entrance. A strong gust of wind knocked him forward. He struggled to regain his balance so the egg would not crack. He couldn't see well in the darkness. He'd gotten here by following the tunnel wall and counting steps. He also could see better in the dark at that time since his eyes didn't have to adjust so much, but now coming from the bright light he couldn't see anything. The egg faintly glowed in the dark. He placed his hands along the wall and counted his steps down the corridor. He almost panicked when he counted to one hundred thirty three and didn't see the light of the main chamber. He slowed his breathing and reminded himself that the egg would make him step smaller steps. He continued until he saw the soft glow of the main chamber.

He cheered under his breath. He'd finally made it! He turned around once to celebrate, but then found himself staring in Kendra's eyes. A sword was firmly lodged at his throat.

"It's the wrong egg. It's not a green's egg, idiot! It's a red one. Return it."

Celdroin couldn't understand how she would know that. But maybe the woman was lying.
"You want part of the cut, don't you?" Celdron asked.

Celdron hitched the egg up on his back. The straps only cut into his shoulders more.

More footsteps resonated in the main chamber, however he couldn't figure out which hallways it was. Celdron cursed.
He hadn't even gotten a chance to drink the yolk yet.

"Return the egg or I'm in deep trouble."

"What? Why?" Celdron said. He tried not to say too much.

A bird screech from outside echoed down the halls. Kendra pulled him into one of the hallways.

"Xiao Si's nest was raided!"

He peered around the corner of the tunnel. It was the bird worshipers. They were in their riding gear--low boots, tight pants and a loose fitted shirt and jacket. Even though their eyes were all distant, they scattered quickly. They commanded several guards who spread out.

"The sacred egg is gone?" A priest inquired.

"No, it's still here, but the thief stole a red egg."

The voice was still a little distant. It was only a matter of time before they discovered him. Celdron scrunched his shoulder against the wall trying to hide the egg.

"The thief is still here. Xiao Si can still hear her egg."

Celdron cursed. They were psychic afterall.

Celdron looked around the corner again. If he was going to be caught he may as well benefit from the magical power of the egg. He set it down on the ground. He ignored Kendra's comments about how he was breaking the deal. He rubbed his shoulders. He turned the egg on it's point. The air sack would be at the bottom of the egg. The yolk would be there.

He cracked it, reached past the soft film and then drank what yolk he had left in his hand. Torches lit up around him. At least five swords were aimed at his throat. There were twenty more soldiers in the main chamber.

Celdron cursed. The stories weren't true. Where was the magical power? He didn't feel any different.

"We save you and yours from kleyersha and this is how you repay us?"

The same thing about kleyersha. He couldn't believe that these bird worshippers actually believed a children's tale used to make them behave. Who would believe such a tale about a beast made up of two people.

The hairs of his arm, sticky with the broken egg, clung. The egg dripped.

He ignored the scream of the bird down the cave and a woman holding her head.

He spotted Kendra, also in their custody. Figured. She wasn't bright enough to keep her mouth shut in her panic.
He regretted going to all this trouble if this was the result. No magical powers afterall. This was the last urban legend he was going to follow.
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