Title: Captain Rabbit Ears
280 words, Second or Third Draft
Brief Summary: I am... just going to post the book if that's okay (it's not longer than 300 words... I'm really not sure where this is supposed to go)
Hey, little bunny, ye here for the tale?
Of Captain “Rabbit Ears” and the adventure they sailed?
A is for Absent so long from the sea
B is for Boat that is bidding me
C is for Chart by which we know our way
D is for Daring as we leave the bay
E is for Eddy which is actually more
F is for Fish who try to drive us ashore
G is for Glimmer and the promise of gold
H is for Heroism and the courage to hold!
I is for Intoxication by the Illumination of victory
J is for the Joy of returning to the Journey
K is for Kelp that brushes along the Keel
L is for Lagoons that seem so unreal
M is for the Map which we follow into dangerous waters
N is for Naiads who seek our rabbits for slaughter
O is for the Odds that we will survive
P is for Prayer which keeps us alive
Q is for Quiet and the air that felt so Queer
R is for captain Rabbit ears
S is for Sailors Soaring up the riggings
T is for only Ten days to reach Tillings
U is for Under the arch of the highlands
V is for Victory in finding the island
W is for the Wave of Wonderful feelings
X marks the spot! All of us are reeling
Y is for Yelp at the treasure we found
Z is for Zenith of all adventures, as it was crowned
Sub Genre & Keywords - Children's - pirates, rabbits, rhyming, ABC book
Known Issues - I don't like the letter I... but it is sort of locked into the rhyming scheme right now and I can't find another option. Also, I am not sure about the pacing and whether or not the niads are a little too mild for a second encounter...
Critique Requested - Please give me feeback on everything! What is good? What is bad? I already know what I like about it, so don't feel like you have to trash it, but any feelings and insights you have will be useful.
Critique Tolerance - Be specific... just not mean?
Experience & Goals - I have been writing for a number of years, never been published. This particular story is for a final project in my book arts class that I want to turn into a published book.
Method of Communication - Just post here if you can? If you have something long to comment on, message me.
Anything else? Disclaimers (violence, strong language, graphic sex, etc.) It's really PG. It's really short... like I said, I'm not sure where this is supposed to be, but this is the critique forum and I'm looking for a good honest critique before I properly tackle editing the illustrations.
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NaNo Winner
2007 - Zion Andrews
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Mini excerpt-
“The dead can’t die!” Maggie objected.
Dow sighed. “Oh now you’re just being didactic.”
0 / 50,000
Apr 16, 2008 - 16 33
Hi~!
That was cute!
However, I don't really see the relation of the title and the story. Like, apart from the two or three lines concerning rabbits, it could be for any sea related ABC book. Who is Captain Rabbit Ears, and why is his ABC book special? Also, you might want to consider "Captain Rabbit Ear's ABCs" or something, because I wasn't expecting an ABC book at all.
Secondly, what age group did you exactly have in mind? Because if it's the 3--6 ish group, then some of the lines wouldn't be really suitable, like "N is for Naiads who seek our rabbits for slaughter" is not a great picture for a little kid.
Did you have a specific beat in mind? Like a fixed number of syllables for lines? Dr Seuss used that and it's really effective, like questions were 7 syllables and answers were 8 in Green Eggs and Ham...(or was it the other way around?) Anyways, I think it'd be much more effective and fun if you incorporated a fixed meter into this.
I don't really understand E--E is for Eddy which is actually more. More than what...?
"Zenith of all adventures, as it was crowned" would probably cause a 3--8/9 year old to go Huh?
Overall, I think it's charming, and would look great with pretty, bright pictures. If you could find a way to incorporate more of Captain Rabbit Ears--make it his story--and a meter, it would be amazing.
I like how it's a story. Too many ABC books are just random words....
Hope this helped~!
~Aylie
----------"This is a mutiny, not a chat. We are forming treason, not spreading gossip. Do you understand?"
--Dipped In Violet, Chapter 7
73,001 / 50,000
Apr 24, 2008 - 12 46
Thank you for your comments. I think I will input some of your suggestion, particularily about word choice, etc. Thank you very much.
----------NaNo Winner
2007 - Zion Andrews
---
Mini excerpt-
“The dead can’t die!” Maggie objected.
Dow sighed. “Oh now you’re just being didactic.”
0 / 50,000
Apr 29, 2008 - 18 47
I thought that overall it had a nice tone to it. I liked the beginning of it before you got into the ABCs.
There were some lines that felt like the flow was off.
I'm not sure what this line means: E is for Eddy which is actually more. What does it mean to be actually more? I'm confused.
I also agree with you that "I" needs work. I think the two big words intoxication and illumination stop the flow because they're so complicated. I also think the number of syllables feels off.
K is for Kelp that brushes along the Keel - I don't know what a keel is (and neither will the children most likely).
N is for Naiads who seek our rabbits for slaughter - what are the Naiads? This confused me. Also the part about killing rabbits confused me. I know he's Captain Rabbit Ears... maybe with pictures it wouldn't have confused me.
Q is for Quiet and the air that felt so Queer - I don't know about calling the air "queer" - it gives me an uncomfortable feeling because it means gay (I'm not gay).
R is for captain Rabbit ears - this line felt short (not enough syllables) when I first read it, but when I read it out loud it seemed better, maybe because I drew out the syllables more when I spoke it.
S is for Sailors Soaring up the riggings - for some reason I didn't like that you used "the" before riggings, but not before tillings... it felt like it should be there.
T is for only Ten days to reach Tillings - I don't know what tillings are.
Z is for Zenith - I was confused about what Zenith is. Is that the place they were? Maybe if there's a picture which labels something as Zenith it would be clearer.
Additionally...
I noticed that on some lines, you had alliteration, and actually capitalized the second word that began with that letter too. I think your alliteration is a good idea, but I definitely don't think you should capitalize the second word. If all the lines had a second word that began with the letter, capitalizing might be ok, but since not all the lines have it, it looks funny.
I think you might be stretching it sometimes to get the second word alliteration, and when you do it feels awkward (but you do a great job most of the time). My advice is to leave it out if it doesn't feel right - don't put it in just to have it. For example, I think you should take out illumination for "I".
I really liked the ending! Great beginning, great ending, pretty good middle! :) Good luck, I think with a little more work, it is good enough to be published.