[YOUNG ADULT] Wings

Title: Wings

Length, Draft and Language: 1300~ words

Brief Summary: A boy born with wings exposed to the world for the first time. From childhood to young adult.

Known Issues : The cliched Mr Miyagi Sato.

Critique Requested : Want to know how effective it is at hooking in reader. Also whether enough emphasis on Lucas having wings.

Critique Tolerance: Very high. No need to think of my personal feelings :)

Experience & Goals: Rough first draft - trying to hook in reader

Method of Communication: NaNoMail, in here

Thanks!

Lucas felt like a freak – no, he was a freak. Everywhere he went, heads swivelled to look at the huge crowd following him before focusing on the small twelve year old.
They certainly weren’t looking at Rosa. In fact, Lucas doubted any of them would have even noticed her among the frantic torrent of reporters that scrutinized his every move, if she had not been holding his hand. In a rather cruel twist of fate, Lucas always thought Rosa was the ugly mutant. Not that he minded, but up until roughly an hour ago, every time he saw her when she came up to clean his room or bring food, he couldn’t help but have a slightly repulsed feeling at the unnatural emptiness that surrounded her back.
Surely something protruded from her shoulder blades? If not magnificent wings like his, complete with light almond-brown feathers, then small, naked ones, like the chick hatchlings he saw on one of his animal documentaries. But there was never any bulges in the back of her shirt, much less holes for the wings to peek out.
His senses were on fire, and he noticed every flash of bright photography, every gasp of disbelief, every car window being rolled down. There was a hoard of photographers, reporters, some children who were thoroughly enjoying themselves and even a small news helicopter hovering about him. Lucas eyes flickered around, never staying at one spot for too long, taking in every little feature. Every thing screamed for his attention, from the huge helicopter above him, to the smallest mole on one of the child’s arms.
To make matters worse, it seemed like the whole world was focusing its attention into a tight beam, which shone brightly upon him – and for a small part, that was true. Unbeknownst to him, all the cameras near him captured his every move which were being transported to people’s televisions all over New York City and the world.
Lucas blinked. The amount of flash photography was blinding, and to be honest, he was exhausted with all the walking. His thirst to discover the world didn’t seem quite so big when he considered how much his feet ached, and how much his wings itched. He longed to take off the heavy cardigan that was suffocating his wings, but Rosa had made it clear multiple times that that was absolutely forbidden.
The large space and amount of people surrounding him was quite frankly, horrifying. Lucas was intimidated beyond belief and would have liked nothing better than to hide away back in his room. His natural curiosity won out however, and Lucas forced himself to keep going, keep taking each overwhelming step following Rosa, and trying hard not to pass out.
As a result of being cooped up in a room all his life, coming into the open for Lucas was an almost religious experience. He was in so much awe of the world, that he couldn’t stop taking in every little detail. It threatened to overwhelm his being, but Lucas didn’t care, he wanted it all. He sucked it all up greedily, determined to prolong this sense of euphoria.
All around him, the presence of other human beings buzzed. It touched some secret chord that had never been felt, and Lucas could see, for the first time, all the vibrant colours, hear all the different sounds, and feel like never before.
Before. Before, when he was all alone, staring out his window at the distant abandoned construction sites, did Lucas ever feel this kind of feeling. It was a small thrill that would ignite his imagination and he would find himself getting lost in the large vastness of the outside. Only now, it was a few hundred times bigger.
But then, the world could not touch him, could not harm him. Right now, it was the same world, same alien beauty, but up close! How terrible it was! How clear, and cruel, and vivid!
Surrounding him, life! Colours! People!
Lucas found himself wheezing slightly, feeling out of breath. The world rotated around him at impossible speed, until everything was a shapeless blur. He felt dizzy, sick, and tired. His panic attack escalated, and Lucas found it harder and harder to breathe.
Rosa, sensing something was wrong, stopped their brisk march, and carried him up onto a public bench.
The next five minutes for Lucas seemed to stretch out for an eternity. His head pounded, and everything was going out of control. Having never experience anything even close to a panic attack before, coupled with the intensity of his surroundings, Lucas’ brain shut down. He could not remember what happened next, but Rosa later told him that the shop they wanted to visit was just around the corner, and she had picked him up and ran to it.
When he came to, Lucas began to notice his surroundings gradually, like an animal shaking off sleep.
He could hear the constant noise outside, and see the bright colours outside the window, but it no longer threatened to overwhelm him. More satisfied now, Lucas surveyed his surroundings. The lights were dim, and the walls grey – like at home.
Feeling content and somewhat more in his natural surroundings again, Lucas could not help but feel the – difference outside. Inside: peaceful, familiar, sage. Outside: loud, scary, exciting.
His musings were interrupted when he heard Rosa muttering angrily behind him, whilst shooting looks of pure venom towards the shop window where masses of people lay camping, waiting for Lucas to come out.
‘Stupid Rachel – oh! It’ll be good for him! He should know the world! – he’s more of my son anyways. Lady doesn’t even visit the kid half the time for…’ at this point, her words were completely undecipherable. Lucas gave a small cough to announce he was up again, and was rewarded with much fussing over him by Rosa.
After she was sure that he was fine, they began to go around the strangely deserted store. Rosa occasionally asked Lucas what coloured he preferred when picking out a t-shirt, but apart from that, he was mostly left to his own devices. Not wanting to experience the reporters again quite so soon, Lucas found himself drifting into the back of the store.
He was admiring a small porcelain vase in one of the back rooms when a soft voice surprised him.
‘Hello there.’
Lucas jumped, and whirled around, almost dropping the vase. He guiltily replaced it before looking more closely at the stranger. He was a thin Japanese elderly, who reminded Lucas strangely of a willow (he had once watched a documentary about trees). Silver-haired, and dressed neatly in a white shirt, he seemed to fit perfectly in the shop with its white walls and spotless floor.
‘I’m Sato, and you must be Lucas.’ His English was impeccable, without a trace of an accent. ‘Rosa has told me all about you.’ As he spoke, he studied Lucas just as carefully as Lucas studied him. However, Lucas found it off that Sato focused primarily on his face, barely giving his wings a glance – something that he found strangely disconcerting.
Their eyes met, and Lucas was instantly entranced. His pupils so resembled the night sky that Lucas often enjoyed gazing at, that he was momentarily taken aback.
‘Yes,’ Lucas managed to say, before remembering the crash course in manners that Rosa had taught him. He held out his hands, and shook Sato’s hand.
Rosa’s head popped into the doorway, and saw Lucas shaking Sato’s hands. She winked familiarly at them both, before motioning for Lucas to come next to her.
‘Here’s the money for the clothes -’ she counted out bits of money onto a desk, ‘Well, I can’t thank you enough, Mr Sato. I don’t know what I would do without the small wonders in life.
Sato nodded in acknowledgement to her thanks. He walked with them out the door, and waved goodbye as they left, with the media following their every step.
Sato turned back to his shop door, and changed the shop sign back from closed to open.

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