Evaluate the Excerpt of the person above you

Excellent idea! It's always great to have a moment to pause from your own work and see what others are working on.

I've read yours Xav, and I think it's a brilliant start! I noticed that you're a fan of Brian Jacques, and it shows. The detail about designing chairs for three tails in particular is a sign of your strength in creating a world around animals. You also have a talent for scene and atmosphere; I felt transported to the place you were describing when I read it, especially in the beginning when you are describing Jera's apprehension.

My suggestions are very minor. There are a few run-on sentences (I likewise have a bad habit of trying to fit too many ideas in a single sentence, but it's easier on the reader if you can break things up a bit and make sure you aren't putting a comma where a period or, at the very least, a semicolon is better suited), and I might suggest creating a page break when you shift POV between Jera and Frederick (I'm sure I'm not spelling that the way you do, but my brain's a bit addled seeing it, as it's almost the same as my own main character!). Having a visual break for the reader will make that transition a bit less jarring--sort of a cue that says "something is changing here, be prepared!"

Very good work, Xav. I'll definitely check back for more!

There's life outside Nano? Who knew?
http://rampantwhistler.livejournal.com

Hi fellow Minnesotan (rampantwhistler),

I really enjoy the concept behind your writing: science versus religion; macrocosm versus microcosm. Not much to nitpick, I would just encourage you to go back over your writing (in December, the editing month!) and keep an eye out for over-romanticizing everyday occurrences. Ultimately I think the goal of writing should be to connect, and it's a bit of a stretch to have a lot of moments that are big and inflated. Rarely do people look at their spouse and wonder big, vague things like how they got so lucky. They might notice how the laugh lines look softer in the light from the desk lamp, or how her eyes appear as blue as they used to at that moment. I dunno... a touch of the specific. Or really, how tired they look.

For now, I say, just keep write, write, writing. I'm hesitant to even give any critique at this point, cause I think it's important (for myself anyway) not to get bogged down in editing and self-criticism at this output stage.

Hi rampantwhistler,

I know that I'm supposed to evaluate the person after you, but--what the hey--I loved your novel concept.

I read amymatic's critique and, to a point, I agree with her. There does seem to be a disconnect between your characters that makes them seem more like colleagues or acquaintances rather than spouses. But I don't think it's because your prose is over-romanticized. I think it's because it's overly reserved. They're just so polite with each other.

And maybe that's just the kind of people they are, the kind of marriage they're in, but if so, you need to establish that better. As a writer, make a point of commenting on that and how it deviates from the norm. Because, normally, people are freer--more themselves with the people they're close to. And, believe me, if my husband called my core beliefs "a dream world" or some childish fantasy, my first reaction would be hurt followed very quickly by anger--no matter how many times we'd had that fight.

Now, I'm not saying that you have to write that fight, but I would suggest you allow that fight's history and your character's humanity to show a bit more. Let Doctor Gottschalk roll his eyes at his wife for constantly clinging to her irrational beliefs. Let him think that they're beneath someone like her, who's so logical and intelligent about everything but this. Let the wife have a flash of hurt--or even indignant irritation--at the fact that her husband would continue to ridicule something so important to her without even trying to understand. I think that if you allow your characters these moments--these very human flaws--you might discover things about them that surprise even you.

Remember, with story characters--much like real people--it's the flaws more so than the virtues that define them. It's the growth from these flaws that make a story. So don't be afraid to give your character ample amounts of...fertilizer in which to grow in.

Just a thought.

Very interesting choice of point-of-view, given the setup.

We're clear, from the dialogue, that something is amiss from the very outset. I think a little too much is revealed at the very beginning, in Lenten's detailed thoughts about how Rowan reminds him of his brother, but otherwise... very interesting setup. Since Lenten and Mei actually know the true nature of the place, I would tell a little less of Lenten's point of view. The punch line "you can't leave" and the reason why are the payoff of this scene.

But hey, this is a NaNo novel aka True Raw First Draft, which means you have a nice fat chunk of finest Italian marble out of which to carve Michelangelo's David. And this is a really, really interesting premise, this crossing-of-the-worlds B&B. I do like the beefing about the duties of the hotel manager, because that starts us off in familiar territory (omigosh, another horrible day at work) so that we think we know what's going on.

I really do like this setup, a lot, and I am wondering who else is staying at this hotel, and what happened to Rowan's family, exactly.

Tell all the truth, but tell it slant. (Emily Dickinson)

2009: The Reincarnations of Miss Anne
2008: The Scottish Play, or Fire and Ice

Thank you, aurora17!

Yes, it was an odd excerpt choice to pick--I should have picked one from Rowan's perspective--but I wanted a scene that introduced the reader to the hotel and the "rules" of the world and this one seemed to do it best.

As for what you said about Lenten's brother and plot spoilers, this is why I love having other people read over my stuff; they see so many things that I just don't--being too close to the story to have clear vision. Reading it back, I can totally see how it looks like Ash was a victim of the hotel--he wasn't, but it absolutely reads like he was. I'll have to take a look at that section (later, during the Great December Re-Write) and see what I can do with that. But, thanks for pointing that out--I never would have seen it on my own!

Awesome eval!

Hey, aurora17.

Looks like you're off to a great start. The synopsis sounds like a fascinating novel. Your ear for description is very evocative, almost musical, and there are great flashes of humor that really shine.

If you rewrite, some of the description, lovely as it is, could stand some trimming down; it borders on the purple at times. And the breezy humor of the synopsis wasn't matched by the dreamlike quality of the narrative, so you might consider either punching up the narritive or calming down the synopsis.

Overall, a lovely excerpt - a painting-in-words.

When the Bees Have Chosen. I'm covered in bee stings, and you keep calling me by your dead girlfriend's name. Do you think we could, maybe, save the philosophy for later?

http://backbooth.thesane.net

Thanks, elidecaf! Great feedback.

I completely agree with you about the cutting, and oh yeah, the synopsis was written before I got started. It's an interesting question, though, how to pitch the emotional range of a synopsis--I have extremely funny scenes coming up, as well as stuff that verges on horror (except it's all firmly based in history).

Purple... fading into the ultraviolet at times, actually: one of the glories of first draft. But if we don't let 'er rip, there's nothing to take out. My favorite revision tool is the axe.

Again, thanks for taking a look.

Tell all the truth, but tell it slant. (Emily Dickinson)

2009: The Reincarnations of Miss Anne
2008: The Scottish Play, or Fire and Ice

*bump*

When the Bees Have Chosen. I'm covered in bee stings, and you keep calling me by your dead girlfriend's name. Do you think we could, maybe, save the philosophy for later?

http://backbooth.thesane.net

amymatic, I went to read your excerpt and it's not there. Your one line synopsis has me curious, though.

elidecaf, I read your synopsis and was intrigued. As for your excerpt, I won't point out grammar or spelling, and honestly, I didn't see any. (My son was using me for a jungle gym though, so I was a bit distracted.) I really liked it. At first I didn't know that Javiera was the one guarding the agents. I thought perhaps it was the agencies that had sent guards to keep them safe, so nice touch with that tidbit. The other thing that piqued my interest was the last line. Her metal hand? Is it a glove, or is it an artificial hand? I would like to keep reading, nice job.

"You gotta go on and be crazy. Craziness is like heaven." - Jimi Hendrix

Thula7,

Yeah, I had one up for a day or two, then realized I felt like I was painting myself into a corner so to speak. I really want to keep it fluid, and unbeknownst to me, putting the excerpt up made it feel like it was written in stone or something. No matter how much I told myself it was still editable, having it posted froze me up, so i pulled it. I felt bad participating by dishing it out then not taking it, but meh. What're ya gonna do? You gotta placate the muse.

Write, write, write.

Thula -

First of all, i clearly have to start watching Dr Who. Clearly.
I'm very intrigued and am a sucker for a story about people going to different worlds etc. I really enjoyed the part where you discussed everything she kept in her bag and especially liked the 2 pairs of clean underwear. I think you could work on making her dialogue sound a bit younger, sometimes it seems to me that she's talking a bit older than an 11 year old would, but other times it seems pretty on, but that's something that can easily be cleaned up in revisions.
I also liked that you jumped right into it, so no waiting around for her to get pulled into the other world.
Over all i liked it and was very intrigued.

Also, how did so many of you have excerpts so soon? CRAZY! ;-)

Sarah

"She said she cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short" - Brian Andreas

Thank you Sarah. As for her dialogue, I'm basing it on mostly on my daughter, who does talk a lot older sometimes. Then at others, she talks a lot younger. She spends a lot of time reading the unabridged dictionary (true). But for anyone other than my daughter, I can see where that could be beyond the suspension of disbelief. I might end up making her twelve still. But that's what December is for! :)

"You gotta go on and be crazy. Craziness is like heaven." - Jimi Hendrix

My son was a lot like that at that age. He would talk like a 40 year old and carry on a whole conversation that way and then suddenly revert back to his age and talk your head off about video games. I still refer to him as "the old man."

Thanks, Thula7! Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. There was...a thing. It had lots of words.

Yes, Ofeibea has an artificial hand. Lost it earlier in the novel. I do so love making my characters suffer!

Anyway, thank you very much for the kind words; I'm so glad to hear my excerpt piqued your interest.

When the Bees Have Chosen. I'm covered in bee stings, and you keep calling me by your dead girlfriend's name. Do you think we could, maybe, save the philosophy for later?

http://backbooth.thesane.net