Ten Nanooks Plus a Time Machine
an excerpt

Tick. Tock. Tick……. Tock……. Tick……..
“Um… I’m getting a little bored here,” said one of the Nanooks.
The two Siberian Huskies were soaked to the bone in seawater. They were pitiful, just sitting there on that rock, with nothing to do.
“Blah!!” Said the Nanook’s brother, also a Nanook. “I bet I’m boreder than you are!”
“I doubt that.”
Hm. Let me see here. How do I accurately illustrate how boring it is to sit on a rock in the middle of the ocean with nothing to all day? Ah, let me introduce myself. I am Daniel Hastings, more commonly known as “Author Guy” to these two here. And I am writing this novel. Is this going to be a good story? Well, to tell the honest truth, I don’t know right now. Let’s find out!
“Huh? Did I just hear a way out?” D. Nanook’s ears perked.
“Oh boy, I’d love to get off this here rock!” R. Nanook exclaimed.
No, it’s just me.
“Oh, drat. It’s just ol’ Author Guy.”
“Blah. I’m sick of him. The old brattybum.”
Hey, I may not be so bratty after you hear this news.
“HUH??” The Nanooks suddenly had my full attention, with bright eyes, tails wagging hopefully. “Just what sort of news?”
Well… What I’m writing here is called a sequel. Can you guys say that? Repeat after me: SE-QUEL.
“Se… quel.”
That’s right, and you see, I’ve been mulling it over, and I’ve been thinking you guys deserve another chance. What you did in last year’s novel was… pretty bad, to say the least. But I think I’ll give you a chance to redeem yourselves.
“Oh GOODY! I knew you’d come around!”
“Thank you a million times over, Author Guy!”
But there is a catch.
“Oh?”
Yes, you see, I’m giving you until 50,000 words to set things straight. If you’re still creating problems and nothing is resolved by then, you have failed, and back to the rock you go, marooned forever.
“Gulp.”
“That makes me uneasy.”
“Me too.”
So, I’m going to release you, and you better not waste time. And you better hope I’m not feeling to descriptive this November…
“Golly, please, NO!”
And don’t do too much excessive talking, playing 20 Q or whatnot. Stay on track, and see if you can’t save the day for once.
“You got it!”
All right. You have 49,598 words to go. Go!
The Nanooks smiled brightly. They were glad.
Until they had been smiling for over half an hour, and still saw no sign of rescue.
R. Nanook ventured to break the silence. “Uh… Author Guy?”
“Shhhh! Quiet! You’re wasting words!” D. Nanook put a finger to his lips.
“Well so are you by saying that!!”
“I… Oh.”
The Nanooks fell silent.

Later in the story...
The were sitting rather glumly on a log in front of the entryway to their home. When the looked up and saw themselves walking towards them, their faces turn a ghostly white.
“B-b-b-b-uh st-tt-t-t-uhhh…” D. Nanook stuttered.
“YIPERS! Who are these mysterious newcomers who are apparitions of a later self?” R. Nanook leaped to his feet.
“Never fear! It is only us! We bring with us important news from the future!”
“Ha! And what makes you think we should believe you? We don’t even know who you are!”
“Let’s not get ridiculous,” R. Nanook sat himself down on the log next to the younger Nanooks. “We’re you, of course. Please don’t ask about the details, we’re not scientists.”
“So,” D. Nanook sat on the other side of the log, sandwiching the two Nanooks, which made them feel very uncomfortable. “What’s the date?”
“Don’t ask. We don’t know.”
“We don’t know either, that’s why we ended up here, because we overshot, and now we’re here talking to you. We told ol’ Bunny-ears that we wanted to go back to the year of the mission to the moon, but I guess we got the month wrong, or something. Or the day.”
“Who’s Bunny-ears?”
“He’s the guy who built our deceased Time Machine. Uh oh. R. Nanook? I just realized, I don’t think we can get back to the present now—”
“You mean future,” one of the Past Nanooks interrupted.
“Because the Time Machine is no more! What’ll we do? We can’t go through life with four of us, it just wouldn’t seem correct!”
“Oh boy. Well, we’ll figure something out. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. For the meantime, we gotta tell these Nanooks not to go on a vacation?”
“Huh?” The Past Nanooks were thoroughly confused. “What do you mean, not go on vacation?”
“Well, we know something about the future that you don’t. You see, your so called ‘vacation’ is actually going to turn out to be an ‘adventure.’”
“Umm… How do you know that?”
“Because we’re from the future!”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Neither do I.”
“Neither do I.”
“I don’t think I do either. What do you think R. Nanook?”
“Well, the problem is that I don’t remember what we were unanimously agreeing upon that we don’t believe.”
“It was something about time travel.”
“I don’t believe in time travel. It’s only science fiction.”
“But the problem with your statement is that this is science fiction. Just ask Author Guy!”
“Hey, you know him too?”
“Yeah, and the reason we are here is that we have something very important to tell you concerning him, your planned vacation which will backfire and turn into an adventure, and the success of an Expedition to the Moon.”
“I don’t believe in space travel.”
“Neither do I.”
“Neither do—wait a minute, of course I do! I’ve been to the moon!”
“Ha, no you haven’t.”
“Yes I have! So has D. Nanook!”
“No I haven’t!”
“Not, you, my brother, D. Nanook!”
“I am your brother!”
“No, this D. Nanook!”
“Yeah, me! I’ve been to the moon.”
“Hm.” Past Nanooks stroked their chins. “Is it really made out of taffy?”
“Yup, blueberry.”
“Ah. There’s evidence that you’re just pulling our legs. They don’t make blueberry taffy.”
“Apparently not. But taffy existed in blueberry flavor before Beanies were making taffy. The moon really is made our of taffy.”
“Yeah, it’s the core.”
R. Nanook and D. Nanook from the past still did not quite understand who these two newcomers were and where they came from. It was rather eerie, but of course, lots of eerie things happen to them.
“So you’re trying to say that you are us from the future, after going on a vacation that turns into an adventure, getting shot to the moon, and finding a Time Machine…?”
“Precisely.”
“And you came here specifically to… tell us not to go on vacation?”
“Precisely again. You see, on your adventure, er, vacation, you will get caught up in an Expedition to the Moon, and you will cause the Expedition to get stranded on the surface of the moon, and it will be all your fault!”
“Hey! Don’t put all the blame on us! We haven’t done anything yet! If anything bad is going to happen, it will have been your fault, ‘cause you’ve done it!”
“All right, it’s both our faults! We’re you, and you’re us! So if anybody points any fingers, they get reflected and point right back at you.”
“The point is, we have come back here (actually by accident), and we decided to fix what we did, now that we’re here, so we would be very appreciative if you were to not go on vacation.”
“Wait!” D. Nanook held up his hand. “Don’t make a decision yet, I need to confer with my brother.” He drew R. Nanook aside.
“Well?”
“I’ve just thought of something. What is to become of us if we convince these two not to go on vacation? Just think. If they never leave, then they will never go to the moon, will never have gotten marooned on a rock at sea, and will never have discovered the Time Machine. If they, who are we, never discover the Time Machine, we will have never come to this point in history to tell them not to go on vacation! If we aren’t here to tell them not to go on vacation, history would have played out the original way, and they would have gone on vacation.”
“Aha. I see them problem. And then they would have discovered a Time Machine and gone back to convince themselves not to go on vacation, in which case they would, because they would never be there to convince themselves. Hm. What should we do?”
“Hee hee. Let’s see what happens to the Universe if we convince them not to go on vacation.”
“Oh gee, I hope nothing bad will happen to us!”
The Nanooks came back to the still very confused Past Nanooks.
“We have decided that we won’t be letting you go on vacation. Sorry, just can’t let you do that.”
“Oh yeah?” the Past Nanooks rolled up their imaginary sleeves. “I’d like to see you make us!”
“Yeah! Where do you two come off ordering us around?”
The Nanooks realized that they were not going to be able to stop these to without a little persuasion. Meaning a fight.
“Step aside, ‘cause we’re going on vacation!”
“Oh yeah? You and what army!”
“Armies don’t go on vacations! Nanooks do!”
“Oh no they don’t!”
“Thataway, Now you’re coming around to our way of thinking!”
“No, I said Nanooks don’t go on vacation! If they try, all they go on is an adventure!”
“Oh yeah? Says who?”
“Says we?”
“You and what army?”
“You’re just feeding us a pack of lies, blubberfaces!”
“Oho! Now you’re insulting yourselves!” R. Nanook stuck out his tongue.
“Hey! No, I was insulting you!”
“We won’t take that insult, ‘cause we’re you!”
“Whatever!”
D. Nanook held up a paw. “Enough! We aren’t going to let you go on vacation, period! So it doesn’t help arguing with us and insulting us.”
Past R. Nanook got an idea and drew Past D. Nanook aside.
The Present Nanooks glowered apprehensively at their conspiratorial counterparts.
Soon they came back, glaring challengingly into the Present Nanooks’ eyes. “We will set you an ordeal. It is the only way to make things fair and square.”
“Very well then, what is your ordeal?”
“We challenge you to a game of twenty questions. If you are victorious, you shall have your way. But if we are victorious, you buddies have to step aside and let us go on our vacation in peace.”
“And if we are victorious, what makes us believe that you will stick to your promise and stay at home?”
“You have our word as Nanooks!”
Present Nanooks looked at each other and nodded. “Very well, then. We agree. How ‘bout R. Nanooks against R. Nanooks, and D. Nanooks against D. Nanooks?”
“Naw, I think it would be better to have Present R. Nanook go with Future D. Nanook, and Future R. Nanook go with Present D. Nanook, or visa versa.”
“I guess.”
“So do I.”
“So do I.”
“Okay then. I’ve thought of something.”
“So have I.”
“So have I.”
“So have I.”
“Well somebody has to guess!”
“Okay, I guess I’ll guess.”
“Me too.”
R. Nanook paired up with D. Nanook from the past, and D. Nanook paired up with R. Nanook from the past. R. Nanook was trying to guess, and so was past R. Nanook. Both D. Nanooks had thought of something, and now both R. Nanooks tried to guess.
“Is it a shoe?”
“No.”
“Is it a stinky pumpkin?”
“Is it a forgotten briefcase?”
“Is it a frog-headed, slimy-eared, two-faced Nanook from the past that won’t listen to his elders?”
“Elders indeed! No, no, and NO!”
“Harrumph! Is it a Time Machine?”
“Is it a Time Machine?”
“No.”
“No.”
“Is it a rocking horse?”
“Is it a—wait a minute, how is it that you keep guessing the thing I’m about to guess in this game over here?”
“I’m you, remember?”
“Weird.”
“No.”
“Yes, it is too weird!”
“It is not a rocking horse!”
“Is too!”
“Is not! I should know, because I’m the only one who knows what I’m thinking of!”
“Is it a frog?”
“No.”
“No.”
“I haven’t guess again!”
“Oops, I overheard their game.”
“Oo goody! I got a free guess. Now I know it’s not of frog!”
“Is it something that glows in the dark?”
“Hey, that’s something about the thing I’m thinking of, it’s not legal!”
“Yes it is!”
“No it isn’t!”
“Yes it is!”
“Yeah, I think it is.”
“Oh.”
“Is it a—”
“No, it doesn’t glow in the dark.”
“Googolplex?”
“Even if I knew what one was, the answer would be no.”
“Is it a giant ant?”
“A squid?”
“No, but—”
“A piece of beef jerky?”
“No.”
“No, I think that squids are not a valid thing to guess about.”
“Oh.”
“No.”
“No.”
“What are you saying no about?”
“No.”
“Hey! I haven’t guessed, and you’re already saying no!”
“No.”
“See?”
“Well, you see, I knew that the next thing you were going to ask about was if it was a book, so I said no, ‘cause it’s not a book.”
“How did you know?? That is scary.”
“Hm. Time is weird.”
“What does that have anything to do with it?”
“Is it a blimp?”
“A ton, that’s what!”
“No.”
“How does that relate to how you knew what I was going to guess next?”
“Is it a planet two trillion miles from here?”
“I don’t know.”
“C’mon! Is it a planet that far?”
“Hey, I’m not answering to the questions in you’re game, I’m just saying no, I don’t know how time relates to how I knew what he was going to guess next!”
“Oh.”
“No.”
“No what?”
“No, it’s not a planet that is two trillion miles from here.”
“All right, is it a magazine holder?”
“No.”
“Is it a tooth brush?”
“A candy apple?”
“No.”
“Yum! No.”
“Is it a gun?”
“Is it a manual?”
“Heck no.”
“What’s a manual? Never mind, I’m sure you don’t even know, and the answer is no anyway.”
“This is pointless.”
“No.”
“Is it a goat?”
“Yes it is!”
“I won?”
“Not you, I said it’s pointless.”
“No, it’s not a goat.”
“I don’t think we’re getting anywhere.”
“Well so far we’ve ruled out several things!”
“Yeah, only a few more guesses, and I’m bound to have won!”
“No, I’m pretty sure I’m going to win.”
“Ha! I’d like to see that!”
“Yeah, me too!”
“If only we had a mediator. That way we would surely know that I, R. Nanook, am victorious!”
“Not you R. Nanook, me R. Nanook!”
“That’s what I said! Me R. Nanook!”
“No, you said ‘I’ R. Nanook!”
“Same thing!”
“Except that ‘I’ R. Nanook is totally bad grammar!”
“Hey, I know her, she’s a nice ol’ gal!”
“I don’t know my grammar, that means neither do you, ‘cause you’re me!”
“No, I could have learned something in the future that you know nothing about!”
“Uh, Bro? We don’t know who our grammar is. We never met her, and never heard of who she was.”
“Ha! See? I told you so! Thpbpbpbp!”
“Hey! Don’t spit at me! I don’t deserve it!”
“Is it a cow?”
“Grrr! You’re making me very angry, the way you look at me!”
“Well, you deserve it! It’s bad manners to spit. Thpbpbpbpbp!”
“Hey! Practice what you preach, preacher!”
“Preacher, yourself!”
“Is that supposed to be an insult?”
“Uh…”
“You are a dopey ball of blubber!”
“So are you! You ate too much candy! We don’t. We resolved to abstain from it in your future, so ha ha!”
“Why, you scheming, slithery, slimy scummy tooth brush!”
“Tooth brush?”
“Um, for some reason it was the first word that popped into my mind!”
“Ha ha ha ha ha! You’re so stupid. You’re trying to insult us, but you’re actually insulting yourself when you act so stupid! Ha ha ha ha ha!”
“Oho!”
BOP!
One of the Past Nanooks threw the hardest punch he could muster at one of their later counterparts.
“Huh!” he went sailing head over heels until he landed in a pile of leaves. At first no one said anything. Time seemed froze for a split second, until, “Waaaaahhhhh! Moooommyyyyy!”
“Ha! Cry for you’re mommy, you little crybaby!”
“Hey! I can’t believe you just did that to my brother!” When the sobbing Nanook’s brother flew a punch at the Past Nanook who had hit his brother, all mayhem broke loose.
Whap!
Socko!
Shazam!
“Yow yow yow!”
Blamo!
“Eech! Oo, you got me nosy.”
“Ha ha! Nanook is nosy.”
Whack!
“Owy.”
“Is it a chain?”
POP!
“I guess not.”
Whacko! Sock! Flappa flappa.
“Is it a doorbell?”
“More like a dumbbell! Ha ha ha!”
Kablooey!
“Hey!”
Smack!
“Gerroff! Hey! You’re biting me tao-tao!”
“Why, you bumble faced piece of disgrace!”
“Hey, that was a good one!”
“Thank you!”
POW!
“So was that!”
“Grrrrrrrr!”
This went on for a while, until the Nanooks had scratches and bruises all over their bodies, and they could barely breath. The fighting ceased, and they leaned back against some trees to catch their breath.
“Whoo! So who wins?”
“Is it a pancake?”
“Ha ha.”
“No, really! Is it?”
“No. Nice try, but no.”
The Nanooks were all ready to just sit there and faint. But they didn’t. Nobody knew what to do. Twenty questions didn’t work, because none of them really knew how to guess what their opponent was thinking of. Fighting had only gotten them all bruised up, and hadn’t resolved anything.
“Is it really worth it to got through all of this, just to go on vacation?”
“Um, maybe not. I guess that if these Nanooks are so determined to stop us that they will fight us to the death, maybe there is something to what they say.”
“Are you recommending that we listen to them?”
“Yeah! Why not?”
“Oh. I guess we sort of had it set in our minds that we were going on vacation. But okay, I’ll agree to that.”
“Aha! Now you’re talking sensibly! I take back every single one of those insults.”
“Me too.”
“Me three.”
“Me four. I’m sorry.”
“All right. Now, if we go away, how will we know that you’re really going to stay at home, and you’re not going to just sneak off on vacation anyway?”
“You have our word as Nanooks!”
“All right then. Settled. No vacation.”
“Settled.”
It was sort of silly that they had to go through all of that to get to that conclusion, but that’s Nanooks for you.

Then… a paradox occurred. Do you know what a paradox is? It is what Dr. Cnelvskietz has been worrying about all this time. A paradox is something that contradicts itself. It can’t be possible, because you go around and around in circles, and, well, it just doesn’t work. Sort of like this sentence: This sentence is a lie. Well, if it’s a lie, then the sentence is not a lie. And if the sentence is a not a lie, then it is a lie. You get it?
You see, if the Nanooks traveled back in time, and convinced themselves not to commit the action that led them to the Time Machine, than they never went back in time to convince them not to go on vacation! And if they weren’t there to convince themselves, then they would have gone on vacation, and discovered the Time Machine, which means that they were there to convince themselves not to commit the action that led them to the Time Machine and not convince themselves… You could drown in your own frustration if you try to figure it out.
So, for the story’s sake, what should happen? Should the entire Universe collapse in confusion? Or perhaps there are many, many parallel universes, and as the Nanooks traveled through time, they crossed over to one of these?
How are the Nanooks going to get back?
Are the Nanooks going to disappear?
Are the Nanooks from the past going to have to go on vacation and discover the Time Machine, even if they don’t want to?
There are many theories about time, but which one of them is true in Beanie Land?
R. Nanook and D. Nanook’s vision went blank.
“Hey! Who turned out the lights?”
“Yeah? Where are we?”
They still could see anything, but they knew that they were not where they last knew they were. There was no longer the gentle breeze on their faces, or the sound of the wind blowing through the trees. There was no warmth from the sun beaming down on them. It was all of a sudden cold, clammy, and most uncomfortable.
“Oh great. Not another adventure!”
“Where are we anyway?”
“Oh no! We didn’t do anything wrong did we? Is this because we tampered with history?”
“I certainly hope not. Uh oh…”
“Oh great…”
“Author Guy? Did you do this to us?”
Ha! Of course I did! Even if I had just given you a bunch of candy, I would have done it to you. I’m not all mean and cruel. You just keep doing things that get you in trouble.
“Oh. Uh… we didn’t cross over 50,000 words yet, have we?”
No, let me do a word count, and I’ll get back to you.
No, the word ‘you’ was the 30,777th word.
“Oh great. We’re getting close. What will you have us do?”
Well, I’m sorry, but you can’t do anything right now but get rescued. If you get rescued, you should try to undo what you just did.
“If we get rescued?? Author Guy, it’s only thirty thousand, you said yourself!”
Oh, great. I was trying to keep my readers in suspense, but I guess I have no choice. When you get rescued, if that makes you feel any better.
“Yipers! Where are we anyway?”
That is for me to know, and you to find out.
“Oh great.”

Later in the novel...
There they were, in the bushes sneaking up on the Nanooks planning their vacation.
“Hee hee!” D. Nanook giggled. “They think they are trying to scare those poor Nanooks over there, but they have absolutely no idea that they are being sneaked up on as well!”
“Yeah! Let’s go into the bushes ourselves.”
The Nanooks tiptoed up behind the sneaking Nanooks. They were so close now that they could have reached out and tickled their tails. But they pounced.
“BOO!!”
You wouldn’t be able to comprehend how startled they were. They visibly jumped about four or five inches into the air. That’s pretty high for a Beanie.
“EEEEEK!”
The two Nanooks on the log were surprised as well to see themselves go soaring out of the bushes. And they were even more surprised when two more of themselves came walking out into the open laughing their heads off.
“Oh no! We never paid some forgotten debt to some forgotten brothers!” They tried to hide behind one another, but they couldn’t both hide behind each other at the same time.
“Never fear,” said the D. Nanook who was not afraid but laughing. “We aren’t brothers, we’re future versions of you!”
The two Nanooks who had been scared picked themselves out of the dust of the road and brushed themselves off. “Whew! How did you get here?” They said. “Wasn’t the Time Machine gotted blowned upperoo?”
“I think that’s bad grammar.”
“What I meant was, how did you get here? The Time Machine is no more!”
“Long story, Bro. Oh wait, you’re R. Nanook. Long story, me.”
“All right, what’s going on here?” The Nanooks from the far past stepped over the log they had fallen over and stared disbelievingly at the others. “What are you guys talking about?”
“Yeah, and who are you anyway?”
“We’re Nanooks! All six of us!”
“Yeah, I guess that makes six. And we came here by Time Machine, but we don’t know where these two jerks came from! The Time Machine crashed!”
“I told you, it’s a long story!”
“No, I told him.”
“No, you told me!”
“No, that one over there told you!”
“Me?? I’m just an innocent by-stander!! Me and my bro here were just sitting here minding our own business, planning our vacation, when you guys waltz in and start making things very confusing!”
“NO! You can’t go on vacation!” Both Middle Nanooks shouted at the same time.
“Yes!” The new Nanooks shouted simultaneously. “You have to go on vacation! The Expedition needs you!!”
“What? That’s blasphemy!” cried the middle Nanooks. “You can’t say that! Now where are you from, past or future?”
“Future!”
“A sign that you’re lying. If you were from the past, then you would be able to get here with a Time Machine. If you’re from the Future, there would be no Time Machine, and you’d be stuck where you are!”
“No, we said it’s a long story!”
“Wait a minute, wait a minute!” The Past Nanooks held up their paws. Let’s get a few things straight…”
“You stay out of this!” some of the Nanooks barked.
“Oho!”
“Now, you need to stay home from the vacation. You’ll ruin a perfectly good mission to the moon!”
“No! You have to go on the mission, because you’ll end up saving them, and then you’d find the Time Machine, and the past will fulfill the present!”
“What? You guys are talking gibberish. What did you say?”
“The Time Machine! If you don’t go on vacation you will never find it, and we’d never get here, like we are now, so you are going on vacation, so don’t let these two here convince you otherwise!”
The Nanooks on the log glanced at each other. “We can’t tell the difference between you two, er, four! So how are we to tell who’s telling the truth?”
“Because we’re telling the truth! You need to stay home from you’re vacation because it will turn into an adventure!!! You don’t like adventures! And we know it will, because we are from the future, and we know all that happened! It was an adventure!”
“But there’s more to the story! The spaceship’s nozzle was already leaking! And we have to be there to save them, and dig the shaft to the pressurized air pocket!”
The Nanooks on the log turned their heads from one set of Nanooks to the other, not knowing all that was going on. Their heads were spinning.
“All righty, you two. Let’s take this outside!” The Middle Nanooks rolled up their imaginary sleeves for battle.
“We are outside! We can’t take it outside if we are already outside! The thing of it is, we’re right and you’re wrong. You just have to accept it. We’re farther from the future than you. We outrank you.”
“Oh no you don’t!”
“Yeah, you better believe it! Just as you are trying to convince these Nanooks of something that they don’t have a clue about in the future, we are trying to convince you of something that will happen in the future that you don’t know about yet!”
“Oh yeah? Well, you can’t, because there is no way for you to get here to tell us that, so you’re lying!”
“There is another thing you guys just have no idea about! You can’t know that we won’t find another way to travel through time, because you don’t know the future! We do know the future in relation to you, so we know what we’re talking about, and you don’t!”
“How are you going to prove it to us?”
“We’ll show you, right now.”
“How, we said!”
“By beating you up! You’ll believe us then! Grrrrr!”
The two from the far future leaped at the two Nanooks who were trying to convince the two that were on the log not to go on vacation and smacked them over their heads as hard as they could. They recovered quickly from their daze, however, and retaliated with full force. D. Nanook went for the future R. Nanook’s stomach, and the other R. Nanook smacked D. Nanook from the future on the top of his head. Instantly a small war ensued. Fur went flying all over the gravel road, and a cloud of dust rose up to the tops of the branches of every tree.
The two Nanooks who were minding their own business and planning their vacation jumped off the log they were sitting on and tried to break up the fight. But when they came near enough, they were grabbed and pulled into the conflict as well. Soon all six of them were scrambling themselves and whacking and thwapping and smacking and cracking themselves to smithereens. Finally one of them stopped and said to the rest of the group, “Ahem. I don’t think fighting is doing us much good.”
“Wait a minute, which one are you?”
“Which one are you?”
“Which one of us is who?”
“That one is he.”
“I’m D. Nanook. Which one’s my brother?”
Three Nanooks raised their paw.
“Let’s not get ridiculous! I only have one brother!”
“Where’s my brother? I feel lost and confused.”
“You guys swallowed us up!”
“Wait a minute. Let’s get things straight. If you are a D. Nanook, go over there, and us R. Nanooks will stand over here. Then we’ll have gotten that much straightened out.”
They separated out into R’s and D’s. Once they had done that, they still had no idea how to locate the right partner.
“Let’s see. You look like my brother… of course, so do you, and so do you. Heck, you even look like you could be my brother, but you’re me! And you, too!”
“Well, just think. Each of us should think what they were doing last before they came here. I was riding on the back of a Dragon.”
“Then I’m with you.”
“Ah! One pair down. I was talking about going on vacation.”
“Aha! So was I. I’m with you.”
“I guess that leaves us, who were stuck in another world with some weird robot griping at us.”
“Huh? I haven’t heard that one,” said the D. Nanook who had last been riding on a Dragon. “Aren’t we the ones from the Future? This is confusing me.”
“It doesn’t have to, you see, now you are both in the past. In fact, we will probably be Past Nanooks fairly shortly, if we realize that we need to come back here for any reason.”
The Nanooks had sorted themselves out now, with the Past Nanooks in their pair, the Middlish Nanooks in their pair, and the Future Nanooks in theirs. The Middle R. Nanook then asked a question. “So, Future Nanooks. You never answered how or why you got here.”
“Ha! Okay, since it’s a long story, we might as well start now.”
“It all started when we were trying to convince you two,” R. Nanook pointed at the two who had gone back to sit on their log, “not to go on vacation, because it would supposedly turn into an adventure, and go sour on you, who are us.”
“Yeah, and not only that, but we figured that you would get caught up in the first mission to the moon and ruin it, so we were actually trying to prevent that.”
“It turns out that the Expedition would have gotten stranded on the moon without us anyway. And had we not been there to save them, they would have never returned.”
“And also, if we let you convince these two not to go on vacation like you did last time, then you would get stuck in a dreary cave, and get dripped on. It was called a… um… what was it called again, Bro?”
“Like a, a paradigm.”
“Yeah. We created a paradigm, and Plu got the flu.”
“That is to say, the robot representing the Physical Laws of the Universe got so confused that he made us go back here to stop you.”
The Middle Nanooks rubbed their heads. “Well, uh, that’s quite a story!”
“Yeah, and those Nanooks over there would say that your story is quite a story!”
“Yeah, s’pose they would.”
“So now do you believe us?”
The Nanooks who had come to convince the Nanooks who were planning on going on vacation not to go on vacation drew each other aside and conversed with each other in hushed tones.
“They’re being conspiratorial,” said Future D. Nanook to his brother, Future R. Nanook.
“Yeah. Look at their faces. I see contempt and mockery.”
“And distrust and disloyalty.”
“Ha! Does that mean they are not loyal to themselves?”
“I guess we Nanooks like it best when we are the futurest. It means we know something the other Nanook doesn’t.”
“Yeah. Good grief! That means that two Nanooks could come waltzing around the bend at any given moment, and we would not be the futurest anymore!”
“That’s a scary thought!”
“Let’s just hope it doesn’t happen.”
When the Middle Nanooks were done with their scheming, they turned back to the other two pairs, a big smile on their faces. “We just came up with the greatest idea, and it’s the only way anything can get resolved between us.”
“Let me guess. A battle of wits, and a game of 20 Q?”
“How’d you guess?”
“Let’s just say we’ve played the game before.”
“Of course you have! We all have, so of course you have! You’re from the future, so you’ve done everything we’ve done and more!”
“Aha! So now you admit it. We are from the future.”
“Well, you say you’re from the future anyhow.”
“So having played the game before does not—”
“No, not just any game of 20 Q, the game of 20 Q! We’ve played the one we’re about to play before, that’s how we knew!”
The Nanooks had to think about that one for a while. “No, you haven’t, because we haven’t started, and it will be a whole new game with six of us rather than four of us.”
“Aha! But it originated with the same idea, and it is basically the same game, just ‘cause we’re from the future, and we know everything!”
“You don’t know the things that happen in your future!”
“Um, well, I’m sure we could find out!”
“Well, then we could find out, too!”
“Not nearly as efficiently! You said yourself you have no idea how we traveled back here, and that the Time Machine was destroyed, so how are you going to find out about your future?”
“Ha ha! We got you good that time!”
“No you didn’t, ‘cause we’re coming after you full force!”
Battle broke out again. And when they had thoroughly disorganized themselves and beat each other to a pulp, they sat down and some of them fell flat in exhaustion from fighting.
“Whew! I suppose we’ll have to sort ourselves out again. Let’s see…” They devised a clever system of naming themselves. The Nanooks who were sitting on a log planning a vacation before the war were named Nanook Pair number One, and the Nanooks who had just dropped off the back of a Dragon and parachuted back to earth were called Nanook Pair number Two, and the others were of course, Three. They also decided that if any more of them showed up, they would be sequentially called, Four, Five, etc.
“Okay, Ones, we’re the champs at this, because we’re the ones that are smarter and know more about the future.”
“In that case, Twos, us Threes will win.”
“Oh no you won’t!”
“Oh yes we will!”
“Okay. I’ve thought of a thing. One of you two try to guess what it is.”
“But I’ve already thought of something, and was hoping that someone would have to try and guess it.”
“All right, then you try to guess what he’s thinking of.”
“But wait a minute, I’m a One, and you’re a One!”
“Then I have to guess what the Twos are thinking of?”
“Well, D. Nanook Two will be guessing what you’re thinking of, and R. Nanook Two will already be thinking of.”
“Oh boy. I’m already confused. At least we have ourselves named properly.”
“Yeah, that’s a relief.”
In a little while they had it all straightened out, and began playing the game.
“Is it a horse shoe?”
“Yes.”
“It is?”
“Is it a garbage can?”
“Just kidding.”
“No, you can’t take back a question once you’ve asked it!”
“Hey, I was just kidding that it was a horse shoe!”
“No.”
“Yes!”
“No, It’s not a garbage can.”
“Oh.”
“Is it a pineapple parlor?”
“No.”
“Is it hilarious episode of Captain Tao-tao?”
“Is it a country not too far south from Beanie Land?”
“Is it a rawhide bone?”
“No.”
“I forgot which question was for me.”
“No.”
“I truly did!”
“I’m asking questions of you. I’m R. Two.”
“No you’re not! Let’s not get ridiculous!”
“What?? We all agreed that’s how we would name ourselves!”
“Hey! I’m an R. Three!”
“I’m a D. One.”
“Do I get any special prize for being an R. Two? I mean, after all, it does have a nice ring to it.”
“Is it a Nanooky Pooky?”
“What’s spooky? Ee, I’m scared.”
“I’m sacred too.”
“Not sacred, silly. Scared.”
“Oops. Hee hee, typo.”
“Is it a frog wearing underwear?”
“Now you’re getting a little ridiculous.”
“We say ridiculous a lot, don’t we.”
“I’m getting a thesaurus.”
“Not until after the word war. I mean, the game of 20 Q. Good grief! Where did word war come from?”
“You’re weird brain.”
“You’re insulting yourself you know.”
“Well, I got a lot smarter since then.”
“I don’t that. It looks like we get dumber!”
“Is it in a trunk?”
“Like a car trunk?”
“I’m asking questions here!”
“So am I!”
“You’re in a different game. I’m going against R. Nanook Three!”
“Is it a pickled carrot? We used to fight over those, remember?”
“Yeah.”
“I got it? I won?”
“No, I said yeah, I remember. Dotty would only put one pickled carrot in the jar of pickles, and we would always fight over it because it was the only thing in the jar that wasn’t green.”
“Yeah. I don’t know why Dotty would always give us those jars of pickles. She knows we don’t like them!”
“Is it a ghost?”
“A can of soda?”
“No, it’s called POP!”
“No, it’s not a ghost.”
“It’s also called soda, isn’t it?”
“Is it a white vehicle used for transporting military personnel?”
“No.”
“No.”
“No, no, no!”
“Is it a flagpole?”
“No.”
“Is it a dryer?”
“Is it a table?”
“Is it a television set?”
“Is it a—”
“Wait up, I haven’t said no to your last question yet!”
“No.”
“No, and I’m guessing he’s gonna say no too.”
“No to what?”
“I said no too, not no to!”
“Huh? You just said no to, not no to! You said the same thing!”
“You had to read what I said!”
“Is it a bone?”
“Then you’d get it!”
“Huh?”
“What about a bone you’d get?”
“Not me, it was you!”
“No.”
“Yes!”
“I said no! I know what I’m thinking of! And you don’t!”
“Is it a stainless steel sink?”
“Yes! That’s it!”
“Really?”
“No.”
“I won!”
“I just said no!”
“You’re in some other game!”
“Not this time!”
“Do you like candy bars?”
“Of course! Why’d you ask? You know me better than I do!”
“I’ll have you know I know you better than I know myself!”
“Aren’t we playing 20—”
“Shaddap!”
“Well, somebody’s yipey today!”
“Is it a computer that Laptop built?”
“Is it a sausage link?”
“Is it a cucumber salad?”
“Yuck!”
“No.”
“No.”
“Is it a cucumber salad?”
“Of course not! Why would I think of such a thing? How could you think of such a thing?”
“I was bored.”
“Is it a—”
“We’re not getting anywhere.”
“I noticed that.”
“Can you guys just take our word for it?”
“Can you just take our word for it?”
“No! We will do as we please, thank you very much.”
“Yeah! We’re going on vacation!” D. Nanook One mistook the R. Nanook standing next to him for his brother. Well, his brother from his own time period.
“No, I’m not with you! I’m a Two!”
The Nanooks realized they had to reorganize themselves.
“All the Ones say Aye!”
Two Nanooks said aye, and they formed a pair.
“All who’s a Two say Halloo!”
Two Nanooks said halloo, and they formed a pair.
“All Threes say me!”
“Me!” All the Nanooks left (two left) formed a pair, and called themselves Threes.
“Now. Let’s be orbitalized.”
“Don’t you mean organized?”
“Precisely.”
“Now, where were we?”
“Where was I you mean, before I was so rudely interrupted?”
“Sitting on that log.”
“Yeah! Get the bump off the old log and deviate from the mold! You’ve been sitting there the whole time we’ve been talking and fighting!”
The Nanooks babbled on and on for about three hours, until the sun was setting behind Moss Hill. They had almost brainwashed themselves in their nonsense. They each had completely forgotten what their mission was by now, but when they realized that the sun was going down on them, the realization that they didn’t know why they were standing there with two copies of themselves came upon them.
They all decided to take a nap, right there on the lawn until the sun woke up again on Moss Hill. Funny thing, were there two Moss Hills? The sun always rose and set on Moss Hill. How can that be? It would be a folly thing for a logical human being to try to comprehend that. Leave it to the Beanies.
“Good night, Nanooks.”
“Yup. Goodnight. I really have no idea why there are so many of us. Maybe we’ll remember in the morning.”
“Hopefully. It’s sort of a weird thing.”
It wasn’t long before they were all fast asleep. Dusk gradually turned into night, and the dew fell upon the six sleeping Nanooks. They all slept at right angles to each other, that way they wouldn’t get themselves mixed up in the morning. Yes, that means that Nanooks Three had to sleep standing on their heads. Despite the awkward position, they snored on, louder than all the rest. The sound of the six sleeping Nanooks was so loud that they scared away woodland creatures for a great distance in all directions.
When morning came, the cock crowing up on the hill awakened the Nanooks.
“Yipers! I’m up and wide-awake!” they all said in unison, as they all jumped together. They were all the same, so of course their natural reactions would be the same.
“Oh, it’s just that ol’ bird again! He does that to us every morning. It’s always the same!”
“Speaking of the same…” (All of this they all said at the same time). “Good grief—ahhh!! How do we break free of saying the same thing at the same time?”
Then, since they were so fed up of all being exactly the same, they started to do completely random things. They all did random things, but they at least were not exactly the same.
“Hale-Bopp!”
“Oort Cloud!”
“Sedna!”
D. Nanook Two did a cartwheel, while R. Nanook Three did a somersault.
“Cannon!”
“Ball!”
“Beach!”
“Coconut!”
“This is starting to turn into word association!”
“Heads!”
“Tails!”
“Jackhammer!”
“Jackhammer?? That doesn’t have anything to do with tails!”
“It doesn’t have to! I’m deviating! Wasn’t that our goal? You didn’t say jackhammer at the same instant!”
“Oh yeah.”
“So. Who am I? What is life’s purpose? Why am I all of a sudden feeling so philosophical?”
“I remember who I am. I’m a Nanook number Three, and I think I’m also an R.”
“Oh, I’m with you. Weren’t we just trying to convince these folks that we are from the future and they have to listen to us?”
“Oh man. How’re we going to do that?”
“You guys, you’re just going to have to trust us. We can’t think of a way to actually disprove your doubt, but there’s no doubt about it, we’re Nanooks!”
Each Nanook had to mull over this. The next Beanies to speak were Nanooks number One. “Well, we can’t speak for Twos, but we agree with you.”
“Yeah, because we want to go on vacation, not because we believe what you’re saying about a paramount.”
“You mean a parachute,” corrected R. Nanook Three.
“Wait a minute, I thought you were talking about a parashears a moment ago!” D. Nanook Two said.
“Something like that. But as we were saying, we agree with the Threes that we should go on vacation.”
“B-b-b-but…” Twos began to stutter.
“No buts about it! We know what we’re talking about, Twos,” said the Nanooks number Three. “We know what we’re talking about.”
*
Once the Nanooks had all come to an agreement that they had to go on vacation, and they had to not battle and create a ‘parasocks,’ they came to the sudden and harsh realization that they hadn’t the slightest idea of what to do next. There were now six of them, instead of two, and they had no way of getting back to their own time periods.
“Oh great. What are we supposed to do now? Do we all go on a vacation?”
“No! That wouldn’t work! Let’s think. There must be an answer!”
“Well, we obviously have to let the Ones go on vacation, but that leaves you Twos, and us Threes.”
“Well then what do we do?”
“Well, you and I know about the 50,000 word goal, right? But the Ones don’t.”
“Yeah.”
“Maybe Author Guy has an idea for us on how to save the day. But he perceptibly isn’t going to tell us. We just have to think of something. We tried stopping the Ones, but that didn’t work.”
“Yeah, I thought it would though. But you say it wouldn’t. So it didn’t save the day?”
“No! It caused even more problems! Can we think of a way to save the day that won’t cause even more problems?”
“Hmmm.”
The Nanooks sat down on the ground to do some heavy brainstorming, except the Nanooks number One, who went into their house to pack.
“Well, all these horrible things began to happen when the Evil Dr. Crony invented the Time Machine. Maybe we could stop him!”
All of their eyes lit up at that idea. “Excellent idea!”
“So we’ve got the mission to the moon covered, Ones are taking that. How would we prevent the Scientist from building it? We’d have to have a Time Machine to find him, wouldn’t we?”
“Hm. Yeah, I can’t think of a way, unless we could go jump on that stump again.”
“Well, we don’t know how that whole thing works. I’m down with that idea.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“ ‘Down with that’ isn’t a real phrase?”
“It doesn’t exactly make much sense…”
“What I mean by that is, I don’t like that idea. Because those stumps are a little weird, and have adventure written all over them.”
“Yeah. We need to find another way to get there.”
“Great. I just realized that we won’t find a way unless we ask.”
“But who do we ask?”
“I’d like to ask Author Guy, but he gets kind of touchy sometimes, and doesn’t answer us.”
Well, today I can see that you really need my help—
“Oh boy, Author Guy!!”
Yes, it’s me. And I think you guys have a really good idea. But you need some bits of information that you don’t have.
“Like?”
Like that you don’t have to have a Time Machine right now in order to stop Dr. Chrono. There is a Time Machine in your time period right now. It’s over in Rondon. But you’ll have to journey to it, and you might even have to battle a few Anenemies, because it is in Anenemy custody.
“What does custody mean?”
It means that the Anenemies have it, and they’re not going to just give it to you if you ask real nicely.
“Big Question, Author Guy.”
Yes?
“Can we go get help? I got an idea.”
What is it?
“Can we jump through the stump, and then jump back again, so that we can get eight of us together? That way we will have strong numbers to defeat the Anenemies!”
Hm. That’s an idea. Although I don’t know how many Nanooks I can manage.
“Great! Would it work though?”
Well, it’s worth a try. Over and out.
“Wait! How do we get there?”
Go to the “Anenemy Base for the Development of Secret Lethal Weapons” in Rondon. You’ll find it.
“We better. For your sake.”
“Not his sake, silly! Our sake! Remember? We have to shape up and do something that brings out good character in us before the fifty thousandth word!”
“Alright. You, Nanooks number Two, you come with us. We’re going on a little trip through time again.”
Thankfully they could remember where the stump was, just a little ways away from their home. The four Nanooks scrambled up on top of it.
“Hm. I wonder why we never discovered this before.”
“Yeah. We’ve lived here a long time, too.”
“So, are you going to leave us in the dark as to how this works?” said R. Nanook Two.
“Oh, that’s right. You’ve never used them before. Well, all you do is count to three, and then jump. Warning, though. When you jump, you vanish, and all you can do is think for a while.”
“Good point.”
“Are you ready?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be!”
“Okay, then one, two, three jump!”
The Nanooks jumped, and were gone.
*
When the Nanooks finally came out of the blackness, there they were in that same jungle they had come from last time they were here.
“Great, Threes. We don’t know where we’re going,” said D. Nanook Two.
“Yeah. Let’s hope that you know what you’re doing!”
“Aw, yeah, we do.” The Threes jumped off the stump, and motioned for the Twos to do the same. “Well, come to think of it, we don’t really have to change stumps, right?”
“Yeah, because the stump will transport us right back to that same point in history that we arrived last time!”
“Okay. Let’s go!”
Before the Nanooks number Two could jump off the stump the Threes were already climbing back up. But just when they were going to swing over the top, the Twos’ eyes got really big, and they pointed to something off in the distance.
“Y-y-y-yipers! What’s that??”
The Nanooks number Three were so startled that they fell back to the ground. “Whe-where, where?” They looked where the Twos were pointing, and saw Ruby and Rufus.
“Ruby and Rufus?”
“Yeah! What are they doing here?”
“Most likely adventuring. Let’s go talk to them!” suggested R. Nanook Three.
“Talk to them? Are you insane? They’re filthy with adventure! It clings to them like mud!”
“They might have some good ideas.”
Then Ruby and Rufus spotted the four Nanooks and came over to them as quickly as possible.
“Nanooks! You’re not supposed to be here! We sent you back to where Plu said! Now why did you come back?” Rufus put a paw to his eyes to block the glare from the sun. “Nanooks? How many of you are there? Which one of you are the Nanooks?”
“Me!”
“Me!”
“Me!”
“And of course, me!”
“I see.”
“We came back here because we’re making for ourselves an army.”
“Yeah, because we’re going into battle against the Anenemies. We’re going to steal their Time Machine.”
“But in order to do that, we need numbers. So the only way we can see to multiply ourselves is to jump on the stumps.”
“But the problem is, we don’t want to go back to the point all the other Nanooks went. We want to go a little in the future from there, because we want to let them work through all of the fighting and come to the same conclusion we came to before we left, to save words. I suppose that sentence didn’t save any words. Oh well.”
Ruby and Rufus glanced at each other. “Man, there are a lot of strange things that happen to us, but I just gotta laugh at this one!” said Rufus.
“Well, we can help them, can’t we?”
“Yeah, we made some very interesting discoveries about these stumps. You see, the ones in this forest only go back to the one stump near your house, Nanooks. Only at different time periods. But there is a stump that is slightly larger than the other stumps that will take you to another forest where you can jump on the stumps and go to some other stump besides the one near your home.”
“Oh! Oh oh oh! Can you find the stump that will take us to the next morning from this one?”
“Of course! Would you like it to be anytime really specified? Or just sometime tomorrow morning?”
“Doesn’t matter. My brother and I don’t carry watches, we just estimate.”
“Okay. Follow us.” Ruby and Rufus strode through the forest, and the Nanooks followed them. The Nanooks weren’t exactly sure how the two adventurers know what they were doing, but they watched and learned. They passed rows and rows of stumps, all of which looked exactly like the stump in the woods by the Nanooks’ house.
It was a longer journey than the Nanooks anticipated. It was a whole hour before Ruby and Rufus had to stop and think.
“Okay, I think we should take out the notes we made,” said Ruby, so Rufus reached into his pack and pulled out a small notepad. He had scribbled many notes about their discoveries on it, and had made a few makeshift maps as well.
“Okay. Let’s see here… Aha! The stumps going north from here are sequentially one hour into the future. So we could go about four or five stumps north and the Nanooks would be about where they said they wanted to go.”
“Well then let’s make it six. Knowing the Nanooks, they probably would sleep in a little later than five in the morning,” said Ruby.
“Oh boy!” The Nanooks scampered on ahead of Ruby and Rufus, counting out six stumps. They stopped at exactly the sixth one, and waited for Ruby and Rufus to catch up to them. The only reason for this is so they could thank them.
“So are you going to be all right from here?” asked Rufus when they got around the corner.
“Yup! If all goes well!”
“Thank you for taking the time to show us the way!”
“Now we don’t have to waste thousands of words re-arguing with ourselves!”
“Goodbye!”
“Goodbye!”
“Goodbye!”
“Speaking of not wasting words…”
“Okay, goodbye!”
“On a count of three, one, two, three, JUMP!”
POOF!

Later...
A week later the Nanooks were all ready for their big mission. They went and copied themselves, and then they left. It would be a long journey to Rondon, but not as long as the one the Ones were going on.
They journeyed across land and see, and asked many Beanies for directions. Most of the Beanies they asked looked curiously at the Nanooks, because why would eight goofy looking dogs be asking how to find an Anenemy Base?
The Nanooks did not have very much trouble getting there. It only took one week, which was passed by playing a weeklong game of 20 Q. I don’t need to go into the details of how the game was played, or I might get to fifty thousand words before the Nanooks have time to accomplish their goal.
They had accumulated a good pile of maps and directions. So it wasn’t that difficult to locate the Anenemy Base. However, they had no idea what it would look like. So they were surprised to discover that most of it was under the ground. They didn’t mind though. They were used to that sort of thing.
“All righty, fellows. We need to formulate a plan. We can’t just waltz up there and expect them to give us the Time Machine.”
“You’re right. Let’s use our numbers to defeat them in battle.”
“Well, something tells me it’s not as easy as all that.”
“I agree. Inside I’m quivering in me booties.”
“Except you don’t have boots.”
“Might I suggest a way we can at least get into the building?”
“Shoot.”
“NO! We don’t even have any guns!”
“No, what’s you’re plan?”
“Why don’t we dig around the entryway? That way we don’t have to think up a way to convince the Anenemies that we belong to the Base!”
“Ah! Dazzling!”
“But once we are inside, how are we going to find the Time Machine?”
“Well, we spend time looking in each of the rooms. Our plan has to work like clockwork. Or we’ll fail.”
“Including the part about getting back in one week’s time so we don’t create another parapet.”
“You mean paramecium.”
“I thought it was a paragon!”
“Whatever! We all know what we’re talking about when we say something that sounds like paraxial.”
“Parasol!”
“Ah! It doesn’t matter!”
“What the point was, is that we don’t want to give Plu anymore stomach aches.”
“Yeah. He really didn’t like that parallel we made.”
“Well, whatever we do, let’s do it now, and let’s do it right.”
“Okay! Secret hand shake!”
“I’m not exactly sure we have a secret hand shake.”
“Yeah, and even if we did have a secret hand shake, how would we do it with eight of us?”
“Well, let’s make one up right now!”
“Okay! Whatever the spirit moves you to do, do it. And remember it, and that will be our secret hand shake.”
They tried it, but it was rather disorganized and messy. But it worked I guess.
“Cool! We’ve got a secret hand shake!”
The Nanooks then put there hands in the center of the circle, and shouted at the top of their voice,
“Let’s go NANOOKS!”
“Uh oh. I hope no Anenemies heard us!”
*
Two of them stayed back to stand guard while the rest of them went into the ground. It took two others to dig the tunnel, while the other four just followed.
The Nanooks can dig a tunnel with their bare paws faster than most tunnel digging machines. The tunnel’s length was increasing so fast that the four who weren’t digging and weren’t standing guard had to go from walking to running.
“Jogging, more like.”
“Yeah, we’re jogging. Running would be much faster.”
Oh yes, they are quite right. Not only are the Nanooks the fastest diggers in the world, they are also the fastest runners. There were rumors among the Beanies that the Nanooks had run faster than the speed of sound once, but no one had an actually record of that.
The two diggers came up against a concrete surface.
“Uh oh, this isn’t one of those concrete cubes that we find under the ground so often, is it?”
“Well, usually the walls of those start closing in on you, and swallow you up.”
“Never swallowed me up, I’m still alive to tell about it!”
“So, if this isn’t a dangerous concrete cube, what is it?”
“Well, I’m guessing it’s a wall to the Anenemy Base for the Development of Secret Lethal Weapons.”
“Oh! How do we get through here?”
“Well, we could just use our jackhammers.”
“How many do we have?”
“Nine.”
“How did we get such an odd number of jackhammers?”
“No, not nine. That was a typo. I meant none.”
“NONE? Oh great.”
“How should we get through here? We always have jackhammers with us!”
“Well, I don’t know! I didn’t pack them!”
“None of us do.”
“Nobody packed the Jackhammers?”
“Well, we always just sort of have them, whenever we need them!”
“How about the bazookas?”
“Um… none.”
“No bazookas either??”
“Oops, another typo. We have nine.”
“Oh. How’d we get such an odd number?”
“Don’t ask me, I don’t do the packing.”
“Neither do I.”
“Alright, we could substitute bazookas for our jackhammers.”
“Yeah, I suppose. Here’s one for each of us, and that leaves one left over.”
They distributed the bazookas amongst themselves. “Heck, we could even use them as weapons if we really have to!”
“Naw, These things are too good for Anenemies. Only T-rexes.”
“Yeah, ‘cause they’re so big and mean.”
“On your mark, get set, fire!”
All eight Nanooks launched their bazookas at once, creating a huge explosion that could be heard for miles in all directions. It was so loud and devastating that | a shock wave went throughout the entire complex, alerting every Anenemy of the arrival of the Nanooks.
“We are in the building!”
“Copy! We are in the building!”
“What are they building?”
“Smells like fish.”
“Huh?”
“I mean, something seems fishy. It’s too quiet.”
“Well, after that big explosion, anything would seem quiet, even Middle City at rush hour!”
“Well, probably the reason for that is because you get real deaf after an explosion like that.”
“DEATH?? Yipers!”
“No, I said deaf!”
“What?”
“Deaf!”
“Never mind.”
They slogged through the rubble the giant guns had piled high. A few of the giant boulders tipped precariously, being treacherous, and making the Nanooks think they were going to fall. ß
They a, threatening the eight Nanooks, who were trying to find their way through it to the other side.
“Oh great, I lost my gun.”
“Here. Take the extra one.”
“Thank you.”
Parts of the hallway had caved in, so the Nanooks had only one way to go. They dearly hoped it was a good way to go, because it was their only option.
“I hope this is the right way.”
“Wouldn’t it be cool if we walked right into the Time Machine, and we didn’t have to put up a fight to get our way?”
“Yeah! It would all work like clockwork!”
“I think clocks go tick, not boom.”
“Boom, click, same thing.”
They were running now—
“Jogging, more like.”
Jogging, whatever. They were picking up the pace all the same, because they thought they heard Anenemy voices following them. Gruff Anenemy voices that were barking and hollering.
“Oh dear. I hope they don’t have guns. The sight of a gun pointed at me makes me all tense up and I almost faint. Then I usually get shot.”
“You’ve never been pointed at by a gun!”
“Oh. Yeah, I guess you’re right!”
“Fight? I hate fighting! Except with my brother.”
“No, I said right!”
“No, I heard you, you said fight!”
“I should have.”
“Huh? I don’t get it.”
“Neither do I.”
“All right, Fours. We need to get the show on the road. Stop yapping and let’s pick up the pace again.”
The Nanooks were running now—
“No, we’re briskly jogging now.”
Good grief! You’re going about forty miles per hour! I call that running.
“We could probably be doing sixty right now if we really tried!”
Good grief.
“Where did that expression originate? I don’t feel good when I’m grieved.”
The Nanooks had to stop when they came to a four way stop.
“Being Futurest of the group, I would like to propose that we take a left turn,” said D. Nanook number Five.
“Well I think we should go straight, and I’m a Five too!”
“Oh dear. How will we ever decide? This really is a pickle.”
The answer came to them when they heard the Anenemies behind them again in hot pursuit.
“Ahh!” Without thinking, each of them went down a different way: R. Nanooks Two and Three ran left, R. Nanook and D. Nanook Four with D. Nanook Two went right, and R. Nanook and D. Nanook Five with D. Nanook Three charged off straight.
“EEEEE!”
“We’re gonna diiiiiiie!”
When they realized they had separated, they whirled around, and ran back to the intersection.
Blam! Maybe a little too fast, they collided in the middle.
“Owy!’
“We can’t let that happen again! Our plan has to work like a clock, remember? Let’s draw straws.”
“No, that doesn’t work. Let’s flip a coin!”
“We don’t have a three sided coin though.”
“Oh yeah. How ‘bout we do the commonsense thing and try to be as far away from our pursuers as possible, and go straight?”
“Well, don’t forget, we’re also looking for the Time Machine.”
“Straight!”
“All right, straight.”
Off they ran, down what they thought was straight, but as it turns out, they had gotten mixed up when they collided into each other, so they were really going back the way they had come.
“Oh no! The Anenemy voices! They’re getting nearer!”
“It also sounds like they’re coming from ahead of us now! We’re being samwiched!”
“Great.”
“Oh! An idea! Let’s use our bazookas again!”
“Excellent idea!”
The eight Nanooks staked themselves out in a circle, pointing their weapons outward to protect themselves.
Then about twenty fierce looking Anenemies stormed around the corner and spotted the Nanooks. The Nanooks didn’t know what to expect.
“All right, you eight, you’re under arrest!”
The Nanooks stuck their tongues out and pointed their bazookas at the Anenemies. “Ha! Says you and what army?”
Just then about fifty more Anenemies came charging around the corner.
“Oh. That army.”
“What do we do now, Bro?”
“We ask them politely where they keep their Time Machine.”
“Good idea.”
“Ahem! We have come here to steal, er, confiscate your Time Machine. And if you resist us, we blow you up. It’s as simple as that.”
All eight of them gulped when about thirty or forty more of them joined the group.
“GULP!!!”
Like that. But they weren’t sure what the Anenemies intended to do. They were clearly fearful of the Nanooks’ bazookas.
“So, what’s it going to be?”
The Anenemy in the front of the group hesitated, and then pointed down the hall. “When you come to a four-way junction, take a left. That room holds the Time Machine.”
“Thanks!” The Nanooks dropped their weapons and jogged off after the Time Machine.
“We’re not jogging, we’re running!”
Oh. Whatever.
In less than a second they had turned left at the fork in the road, and BAMMO! They smacked into the doorway that said “TIEM MAHSHEEN” on it in bright, bold lettering.
“Quick! Get inside!”
It was, of course, dark inside, and ironically it was too dark to find the light switch. Thankfully R. Nanook Four tripped on it, and the lights came on, revealing the bright red capsule on the tripod.
“Gee, I don’t see a Time Machine, unless that red thing is one.”
“It probably is. Quick! Get inside!”
All eight Nanooks scrambled up the ladder in single file. When they went through the trap door (which, by the way, did not squeal on its hinges), they were disappointed to discover there were only eight seats. This meant that they would have to spend an immense amount of time deciding who would get the seats.
“I’m fine with standing.”
“So am I, I guess.”
“So am I.”
“Me too.”
“Well, why don’t we all just stand, so we don’t waste time?”
“Great. Done. We’ll all stand.”
“Well, as long as none of them are being occupied, all just sit if you don’t mind.”
“Nope. We already decided, we’re all standing.”
While a few of them were still arguing over the seats, others began to look for the control panel. You see, the Nanooks were still remembering the last Time Machine, and were looking for a control panel that looked similar to that one. But this new Time Machine looked slightly different, and the Nanooks were getting worried that they may not be able to work this new Time Machine.
“I’m worried that we might not be able to—”
“Shh! I think I heard Author Guy say that already! You’re wasting words!”
“Author Guy? What’s our word count?”
Not going to tell you. Top secret confidentially classified information not to be disclosed. You’d just panic, and not think straight, and you wouldn’t be building character in the last two thousand words of your—
“ONLY TWO THOUSAND?? AHHHHHH!”
Me and my big pen.
“We’re gonna diiiiiiiiie!”
NOT IF YOU SHAPE UP AND DO WHAT YOU KNOW NEEDS TO BE DONE!!!
“Oh.”
“Kay.”
“Oh… kay. Oh… kay.”
“Okaaaaay, okaaaaaay, ooooooo!”
“Shut up!”
“Sorry. You should have said it funny, like shuddup, or something like that, so Author Guy doesn’t spell it two words.”
“Does it even matter?”
“Just for future reference!”
“Hey! This thing over here looks rather controlly, and, er… panelly,” R. Nanook Three pointed out. They all rushed over, and there was the control panel, just waiting for them to type in a time.
“Great. Now we just have to type in the correct time.”
“When did mister Coca Cola invent the Time Machine in the first place?”
“Well, I think it was ten years from the time we first discovered the Time Machine, wasn’t it?”
“Well, if that’s true, then it would be about eleven years or so from now.”
“I think that’s a fairly good guess. Let’s just hope we come out a little before the bunny-rabbit builds the Time Machine.”
So they typed in eleven years into the keypad, and when they had finished setting it up, they hailed everyone to get ready for time travel, but everyone was too busy hailing, and weren’t ready.
“Oh well. I’ll just press ‘GO.’”
Beep.
The Nanooks began to bounce around the capsule. Bright white light beamed through the many circular windows, putting spotlights on the Nanooks.
“You’re on the spotlight, so what do you do?”
“I say, beep bop boodlelot, doodley doo!”
“Hey, that was a good one!”
The Nanooks’ bouncing became more and more turbulent, until they were bouncing off the ceiling and walls like super balls.
Boinga boinga boing
“Weeee!”
“Oucha oocha eek.”
“I can’t wait till we get there!”
As soon as the Nanooks who said that had said that, they machine halted, and they went sailing forward, creating a hog pile in the front of the capsule.
“OOF!”
“Not a hog pile, a dog pile!”
“Yeah, or a pile of Nanooks.”
“We’re fluffy! It didn’t hurt!”
They picked themselves up, and left the Time Machine as promptly as they could. They were on a mission, and they were bent on completing it.
“We’re on a mission, and we’re bent on completing—”
“Shuttup. There. Was that any better?”
“Good. Now, where are we?”
They must have been in the same place. But most likely it was a different time.
“Hm. I guess this Time Machine only transports you through time. I didn’t like it when we ended up way up in the sky.”
“Yeah, or in that very cold place.”
“Well, I think that is where we want to be right now. Uh oh. I just realized that we have no idea where that was.”
“Yeah, besides the fact that it was very white and blustery, how are we to know how to get there?”
“Well, I guess we’ll just have to ask around.”
“Wait a minute, wait a minute.”
“Yes?”
“It was just a season, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So if we ask how to get to a very cold place, the seasons may have changed by now, and it’s summertime there.”
“Great. Well, when in doubt, just ask Author Guy.”
“Author Guy?”
“Author Guy?”
No answer.
“Darn him. I MEAN—”
“Well, he must have his reasons for leaving us up to our own devices.”
“Yeah, maybe he wants us dead!”
“Naw, I—”
“Huh! Hide!”
The Nanooks crouched in the shadows when they heard voices outside of the doorway.
“I tell you, I’m getting close to building it again! Yes, yes. I know it’s been ten years since I built it last, but for some reason no matter how I try building it again, it doesn’t work for me!”
“Well, if you don’t have that Time Machine rebuilt for us within ONE MONTH, we take all of your reward money back. Do you hear me?”
“Well, yes, I do, but—”
“The bet wasn’t only to see if you could build a Time Machine, your bet was to build a Time Machine for the Anenemies!! And if you still haven’t done that ten years later, maybe we’ll just take all your money by force!”
“Force?”
“Yes, force!”
The Nanooks could see two figures now. One was a tall Anenemy, with a tough looking helmet and armor, the other was a rabbit in a white lab coat, and had spectacles that hanged lopsidedly on his face.
“Oh dear,” whispered the Nanooks amongst themselves. “That’s the Scientist! Get him!”
They leaped from the shadows and dove straight for the rabbit. “Chaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrge!’
“Eeeeee!”
The next instant he was buried in Nanooks. The Anenemy who was talking to him was so startled that he turned and fled down the corridor.
“Hm. Where did the rabbit go?” The Nanooks wondered. “He couldn’t have gone far, could he have?”
There was a muffled sound from beneath them.
“Mmmrrph! Gmeoffff! Mmm knnnt bbrreeeee!”
“Oh, is that you under there?” the Nanooks asked.
They let him off, and the Dr. got up, a little wobbly at first.
“Whata whata—who are you?”
“We’re Nanooks!”
“And we come to stop you from building a Time Machine!”
“Ahh! Then they’ll take away all my reward money!”
“Listen, Bub, we’ve got about two thousand words to—”
Four hundred thirty-one, you mean.
“What??” The Nanooks were shocked.
“What is this nonsense?” Dr. Cnelvskietz tried to extract himself from the mob of Nanooks.
“Wait a minute,” he said, once he had gotten a good look at them. “You’re the eight that stole my Time Machine ten years ago!”
“Yes, and for good reason, too. Come into the room, we need to talk.”
Dr. Cnelvskietz was about to protest when he was dragged in anyway.
“How do we say it in under four hundred thirty-one words??”
“What you need to do is not build a Time Machine, and—”
Guys, I’ll take care of this. The Nanooks told Dr. Cnelvskietz of all the paradoxes and horrible things that would happen if he built a Time Machine, and went on and on trying to convince him of their point of view, and it would have been over five thousand words if I typed out each one the Nanooks said. Finally…
Here it is, Nanooks:
Dr. Chrono Cnelvskietz relented, and said, “I will not build a Time Machine. It means that I would have to give up my life dream of building a Time Machine, but I am willing, if it causes so many problems in the Universe. However…”
“There’s always a however,” thought the Nanooks.
“However, it would cause yet another paradox. You see, if I never build a Time Machine, you Nanooks would never be able to come here to tell me not to. So a special plan must be employed, accommodating the fact that each of you need to go back to your own time period, so there aren’t eight of you living at once.”
“Huh? Please tell us your plan.”
“Hm. Is there a course of action that will A: not cause a paradox, B: get you eight back to the times you belong, and C: allow me to keep my reward money?”
“We don’t care about that. We just want to go home, and forget about the whole episode.”
Dr. Cnelvskietz sighed. “I believe my life has been… wasted.”
“Oh.”
The Nanooks glommed to the side, where they communicated inaudibly amid themselves. Well, inaudible from Chrono’s perspective.
“Bros, I think what Author Guy wants us to do before fifty-thousand words is not so much save the day, but get some epiphany, or good character.”
“Yeah. In addition to saving the day, we should learn some very important lesson, which might make there be a moral to our story.”
“Igotagreatidea!Let’ssayeverythingwithoneword!Thatwaywe’vegotmuchmuchmoretimetosayexactlywhatwewant!”
“Oh!You’reagenius!”
“Nowlet’sgoovertothatpoorolddearthatfeelslikehewastedhislifeandcheerhimup.”
The Nanooks went back to the Dr. and said:
“We are very sorry. It’ll be okay. Maybe you’ll find a new passion, like… gardening.”
“Yeah, cheer up.”
“Wait! What did you say?” The Dr.’s eyes opened wide.
“Cheer up?”
“No, before that!”
“Oh, gardening! That’s just an example of—”
“Eureka!” He did a boogie of ecstasy. “You guys are geniuses! I should have known all along! It’s not Time Machines I’m into, I’d much rather be cultivating the soil, growing oats, beets and beans!”
CONGRATULATIONS NANOOKS!!! You passed the test! You pulled through, and all before fifty thousand words! I will say though, had you only tried to be heroes and saved the Universe only, I would have considered banishing you back to your rock out in the middle of the Long Sea, but I can see this adventure has instilled good character into each of your hearts.
The Nanooks sniffed. “Aw, gorsh.”
“You sure know how to make a guy cry.”
“I feel emotional.”
The Nanooks gave each other a big group hug, and pulled Dr. Chrono in too. They probably would have pulled me in too, if they knew how.