New Shoes
an excerpt

Chapter 4: Original

Alvise and Cleto walked out of the police station, rubbing their red wrists.
“They said ‘a’ slap on the wrist, not enough to knock out an expert midget stuntman.” said Cleto, squinting in pain.
“Yeah, they itch they sting so bad.” Alvise scratched his wrists, “I just wanna kick the living shit out of everything moving in an inhuman manner right now!” Cleto’s eyes widened as an idea popped into his head.
“That’s it, Alvise!”
“What’s what?”
“You can win a karate tournament for tons of money!”
“Are you crazy?”
“It doesn’t take that much effort to do a front flip when you’re bouncing on a mattress, so it can’t take much effort to break a son of a bitch’s hip in five different places with one Ong Bak chop to the fuckin’ kidneys. Come on, Alvise, you’re the only one with a black belt!”
“But I haven’t used my skills in a long time, Cleto. So long that I forgot what fricken fighting style I mastered in. Plus I lost my karate belt.”
“We can still get in though, I have a plan.”
Later, Cleto stood at the whiteboard in their apartment kitchen with a marker in his hand. Alvise sat at the desk in the kitchen with nothing in front of him.
“Aren’t you going to write this down?” asked Cleto.
“’ Even as his skin crackled, even as every hair that poked out of his flesh burned off, and even as the smell of his sizzling body polluted the air, the peasant wore his smile proudly.’ Why do you think the peasant was smiling and ignoring the pain of being burned alive, Cleto?”asked Alvise.
“He…had no feeling?”
“Wrong! He had a strong mind.”
“Okay…what in the sad, blue world are you getting at?”
“I have a strong mind, my brother. I don’t need to write twat down.”
“Oh…what was that quote from?”
“GetYourGrip on deviantart, he writes some good shit sometimes.”
“Oh yeah, I know him. Yeah, he does make some good stuff, but have you seen his pictures? He seems like a fruit cake, don’tcha think?”
“Seems more like a fuckin’ retard to me…but go on with your plan.”
“Oh, right. Okay…” Cleto wrote on the board and moved for Alvise to see.
“Plan three…” Alvise read aloud, “Right, right, now the plan. Get on with the plan.”
“Mhm…” Cleto wrote on the board again and moved.
“Operation fuck shit up…” Alvise read, “well what is it?”
“We’re going to do the same thing to get in that we’re going to do WHEN we’re in…which is fuck shit up! Just chop all of the guards in their jugulars and if anyone else tries to tell us we don’t belong in there, we chop them too!”
“You’re thinking too hard, Cleto. I have a better plan…”
Later, at the karate tournament building…
Alvise wore a blue bathrobe as he walked toward the building with Cleto.
“Damn this thing itches…” Alvise scratched around his neck, chest, and arms, “Can you put this on for me until we get to the signup desk?” Alvise took the robe off and handed it to Cleto.
“Sure, Alvise.” Cleto put the robe on.
“Doesn’t that robe make you feel powerful? Like you can hand out a few good ass beatings?”
“Well…yeah, it actually does.” Cleto smiled.
“Good.” Alvise smiled back.
“What do you mean good?”
“Here we are.” Alvise opened the door and he and Cleto walked into the building. They got in a small line for the signup desk and stood, waiting. After a few minutes of thinking about Rishasha, it was their turn and they walked up to the desk where a jolly, young woman sat, smiling at them.
“Hello, how’re you?” the woman’s tag read ‘Ashley’.
“Askin’ like you give a donkey’s dick, bitch.” said Alvise, disgusted, “How does a slut like you wind up working here? Shouldn’t you be whoring it up on the streets? Oh, I see, you’d rather have the front desk position in this place so that people could stare at your tits while you’re looking down at your handy dandy notepad. Fuck Blue’s Clues, it’s Slooz Clues up in this bitch. Where’s the clues at? I bet you have a paw print tattooed right on your left titty, don’t you? Don’t you!? Haaah, I’m just messing with you, baby. Don’t worry, I love you. Show a brothuh some love, show a brothuh some love,” Alvise leaned across the desk and hugged Ashley, “Atta girl, now I’m the sensei and why don’t you question the new champion right here.” Alvise patted Cleto on the back and winked at him.
“Hey!” Cleto yelled.
“Okay,” Ashley put her pen to the notepad, “What’s your weight, sir?”
“Oh, his name is Cleto. He’s about one hundred eighty pounds, five foot eleven inches, and thirty-two years old. That should cover just about all of the questions, right?” said Alvise.
“Just about…but not all.” said Ashley. The brothers gulped. Alvise looked over at the side of the desk and saw a box full of black belts and brown belts. He leaned toward Cleto, “Distract the chick.” he whispered and knelt down the side of the desk without waiting for Cleto to start the distracting. Ashley stared at Alvise’s hair, the only part of him she could see from where she was sitting at the desk. Cleto joined in on the staring as Alvise rummaged through the box.
“What are you doing?” asked Ashley.
“Huh?” Alvise poked his head up, “Oh, your carpet had some crumbs on it and I was trying to salvage what I can, because you know, there are people out there in the world starving to death, they’d kill for that orange fruity pebble I just consumed. Besides, its not my fault your people can’t keep these carpets clean, you should have the sweeper dudes sweeping non-stop, no breaks, or nothing! People should be able to sign up to kick the living shit out of other people in a healthy environment! So don’t get mad at me, get mad at whoever’s running this pig pen you got going here!” Alvise stood up with a black belt behind his back, waving it for Cleto to grab it. Cleto noticed, took it, and put it on as Alvise distracted Ashley by smacking her cup of coffee off of the desk. The coffee splashed open all over the floor.
“Okay! I’ll just get on with the questions!” Ashley screamed in fear.
“Finish up!” Alvise shouted, then glanced at Cleto to see that he put the belt on.
“This is screwed up!” Cleto leaned toward Alvise and whispered angrily into his ear, “The original plan was for you to fight, not me! Then you go and pull some Karate Kid type shit! What the fuck is wrong with you!?”
“Look, we needed a belt,” Alvise whispered back, “and this way, you don’t have to lie. You can tell them you have a black belt, cause you’re wearing one under that robe right now, aren’t you?”
“Yes, but that’s beside the point!”
“I can see you’re a black belt…” Ashley said to Cleto, and wrote on her notepad, “Now what’s your fighting style?”
“I’ll meet you in the other room.” Alvise started to walk away.
“No! Stay with me!” Cleto whispered to him, then shouted as he started to run, “You bitch you!”
“Jubitsu?” asked Ashley.
“Oh, umm…” Cleto turned back to the desk, “actually, Jubitchu. Yeah…you may not have heard of it because it’s my own style. That way nobody knows how to counter it with their own, so they can never tell when that WITAW WIP! HIP HIP, HAWWW…is coming, ya know?”
“Right.” Ashley wrote on the notepad, “Okay, looks like you’re all set. Get ready in your room, number twelve,” she handed Cleto a key, “be careful.”
“Thank you.” Cleto ran down a hall and burst through a door where Alvise jumped out and spooked him.
“So you got in alright…job well done.” said Alvise.
“Shut up! You’re not my brother anymore, I hate you!” Cleto ran to their room number, opened it up, and went in, with Alvise right behind him. The room was big and bright, but all it had was a bed and a stool in it. Cleto walked over to the bed and fell back onto it.
“Come on, Cleto. The plan worked, did it not?” Alvise sat in the stool.
“But the original plan was for you to be the fighter, not me! At least you know some moves, I only fought with polish kids in elementary school who already had the art of flying through the air and kicking someone in their neck flowing through their veins.”
“It’s okay, bro. It’s not always the moves you know and how quick you are, but if you’re smarter than your opponent, so why don’t you kick some ass for me?” Alvise stood up from the stool and walked over to Cleto. Cleto sat up, sighed, and smiled at Alvise, “You’re only my brother for this tournament.”
“That’s my little brother!” Alvise hugged him. Suddenly, their door busted open and they turned to see what was going on. A tall, skinny, asian participant of the tournament stood in the doorway, expressing anger with his face and by breathing hard, staring at the brothers. The participant’s short sensei was standing behind him, sweating nervously. Alvise and Cleto stared back for a bit.
“What’s up?” asked Alvise.
“I kill you! You go down!” the kid yelled at Cleto.
“Hey, fuck you Mr.Miagi!” Cleto stood up from the bed.
“I put muscle right in front your chin, flex really quick, it hit your chin and knock you out!”
“What’re you doing busting up in my room and threatening me for, shrimp dick!? What’s your name!?”
“Oh, my name? My name is Gon Fok Yew!”
“Ya cock smoker! Too afraid to tell me your real name!?”
“My real name? We can make it Double Fok Yew then!”
“Get the fuck out!” Cleto lunged for the kid, but Alvise caught him and held him back.
“I kill you! You dead!” the kid reached for Cleto, but his sensei yanked on his karate robe.
“One,” Alvise turned to the kid, still holding Cleto back, “how about you go back to Ethiopia where you came from since you can’t seem to speak english correctly…two, get the hell out before I let go of my brother and he shoves his flamingo slipper so far up your ass you’ll be shitting pink terry cloth for a week!”
“You go down! You go down!” the kid screamed as his sensei pulled him away from the room and shut the door. Alvise let go of Cleto and brushed himself off. Cleto ran for the door, swiftly opened it, and ran out after the kid.
“Cleto!” Alvise chased him down, grabbed him, and dragged him back to the room, then shut the door. He threw Cleto onto the bed and sat back in the stool, “Save your energy for your match! Geez…got me chasing you and shit…” Cleto suddenly lunged for the door again. Alvise reacted quickly, almost tripping over his own feet, and grabbed Cleto as he was still turning the doorknob, then threw him back on the bed, “Save your energy! He’s just a kid!”
“Let me at em! His eyes are basically shut, he wouldn’t see it comin’!” Cleto shouted.
“You can do it when it’s your turn to fight him on the mat!” said Alvise. The door busted open and the brothers quickly turned to it. A mexican guy who worked at the tournament poked his head in, “It’s your turn to fight on the mat, monsieur.” he spoke in a spanish accent.
“Already?” both Alvise and Cleto said in harmony, confused.
“Yes, monsieurs. You have five minuits or else you’ll be disqualified.”
“Speak english!” said Alvise, suddenly angry.
“Oh, umm…you have five minutes-“
“No, the last part.”
“Disqualified?”
“I said speak english, asshole!” Alvise grabbed the collar of the guy’s shirt, pulled him into the room, and jacked him up against the wall.
“I’m sorry! Disqualified means you’ll be kicked out of the tournament!” the mexican squinted in fear, “You have five minuits!”
“You said that thirty seconds ago! Now it would be four minutes and twenty eight seconds. You trying to lie to us so we’re late?”
“No, no! Not at all, s-“
“Four minutes, twenty seconds!”
“You ought to get going then!”
“You’re right,” Alvise let go of the mexican and turned to Cleto, “He’s right! Let’s go!” Cleto stood up from the bed and ran out the door, with Alvise following behind him.
“Au revoir et bon chance!” the mexican yelled to them.
In the tournament room with the big fighting mat on a stage, waiting participants, and energetic spectators…
“Will Cleto please come to the stage,” The announcer spoke into the mic, sitting at a desk near the stage, “I said, will participant Cleto please come to the stage.”
“Bullshit!”Alvise and Cleto jumped up onto the desk from behind the announcer.
“You didn’t say participant the first time, ya dim wit.” said Alvise, and smacked the announcer upside the head. Cleto jumped for the stage, but didn’t quite make it. He hit his leg on the side of the stage and he couldn’t grip to the mat, so he bounced off and fell on the concrete floor, screaming in pain.
“What’s wrong, Cleto?” Alvise hopped off of the desk and ran over to his little brother.
“My leg!” Cleto held it and gritted his teeth.
“It’s alright, we’ll get you fixed up. It’ll all be good in a minute.” Alvise picked Cleto up and took him to another room as everyone he passed stared at them. The announcer followed them into the room. Alvise set Cleto down on a bed and rolled up his pant leg to where he could see the red mark where he had hit his leg.
“If a participant gets a bad injury they only have five or ten minutes to recover-I forget, I haven’t watched Karate Kid enough to remember-or else they’ll be disqualified.” the announcer informed. Alvise turned around, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, and jacked him up against the wall, “What kinda cuss words are you throwing at me!?”
“Stop fighting, Alvise! Help me!” Cleto screamed.
“Brother!” Alvise let go of the announcer and ran over to Cleto and studied his wound, “Alright…let me try this…” Alvise closed his eyes and clapped his hands together, then began rubbing them fast and furiously…so fast that his hands caught fire. He screamed and shook them faster than he had rubbed them. He blew on them maniacally until the fire finally went out, then sighed in relief, “Okay, well fuck that.”
“Here,” the announcer pulled a long metal capsule out of his back pocket, “Olive oil. That should do the trick.” he handed it to Alvise, who opened it up and poured it on Cleto’s wound. Cleto squinted in pain and gargled his own saliva.
“What’s going on? What the hell is this!?” Alvise turned to the announcer.
“It was olive oil! I swear!” the announcer backed away. Cleto stopped gargling and Alvise turned back to him. Cleto opened his eyes, sat up, and got off of the bed, “I feel better than before my injury.” Cleto hopped around on his once wounded leg, he kicked the metal bed frame with it, he ran up a wall and did a back flip off of it. He then turned to the others, “It’s show time.”
Cleto made his way through the crowd, swinging punches at the air, with Alvise and the announcer behind him. He hopped up on stage and walked to his side of the mat. The announcer sat back at his desk and put his headphones on. Alvise joined him.
“What’re you doing?” asked the announcer.
“Shut up and announce.” Alvise put headphones on. The announcer turned back to his microphone. Cleto opponent came up on stage with a long robe and hood on, shadowing his face. Cleto squinted, trying to see who it was.
“Ladies and gentlemen, the first match of the High Kick, Low Kick, My Kick, Yo Kick Tournament! In other words, the HKLKMKYK! Or in other words, K to the fourth power plus HLMY!” said the announcer. The crowd went wild, cheering and whistling and throwing up gang signs.
“Our first fighter in corner A, weighing about one hundred eighty pounds, reaching heights as tall as five feet and eleven inches, and as young as thirty years. A virtuoso black belt in the art of Jubitchu…Cletooooo!” the announcer read off of a paper. Cleto threw his hands up and the crowd’s cheers rumbled the floor. Alvise stole the mic from the announcer, “And in corner B, some fruit cake son of a bitch that’s going to get his ass kicked three ways from Tuesday and a roll of quarters shoved up his ass-“ the announcer stole the microphone back from Alvise.
“In corner B,” the announcer started, “weighing one hundred seventy-two pounds, six foot tall, and seventeen years old. A platinum belt in the art of Jujitsu…Gon Fok Yeeeew!” The crowd screamed and threw their water bottles in the air as Gon Fok Yew took his robe off and revealed himself. Cleto gasped.
“That’s really his name?” Alvise was surprised.
“You gon get focked op!” Gon yelled at Cleto and got into a jujitsu stance.
“Let me open your eyes a little more, prick!” Cleto got into his own improvised stance. The referee walked up to the center of the mat and gestured for the two fighters to come to him. Gon walked up to the middle of the mat. Cleto ran, jumped pass the referee, and kicked Gon in the chest. They both tumbled to the mat and rolled across it. They got up and got into their fighting stances.
“Hey, the match didn’t start!” the referee ran up to them. Alvise got up from the desk and jumped up on stage. He ran over to the referee, who was tugging on Cleto’s robe, and punched him in the side of the head, then rolled around on the mat, fighting with him.
“Come on! Make the first move, Gon!” Cleto screamed at him, still in his stance.
“You make first move, white trash!” Gon yelled back.
“Whatever you say.” Cleto ran at Gon and swung a punch. Gon dodged it and threw a chop at Cleto’s ribs, but was unsuccessful when Cleto knocked Gon’s hand away and kicked him in the shin. Gon held his leg and hopped backward on one foot.
“Didn’t think I was this good, did ya?” Cleto ran at Gon and swung another punch. This time Gon grabbed Cleto’s fist and kicked him in the ribs about seven times, then brought his leg up and dropped it down onto Cleto’s back. Cleto shouted in pain and fell to the floor, but slowly got back up.
“I see how it is. Wanna get rough, eh?” Cleto sweep kicked Gon and knocked him down on the mat. Gon flipped back up onto his feet and kneed Cleto in the eye, then picked him up and threw him off stage onto the announcer’s desk. The desk broke into splinters from the impact of Cleto’s weight smashing on top of it.

Chapter 5: Dinosaur

Alvise and Cleto were thrown out of the tournament building on their asses.
“Brother time is up!” Cleto got up off of the ground and power walked away as he rubbed his tail bone.
“Aww, come on!” Alvise got up and chased after him, “You were the one who said we should fight in a karate tournament.”
“No, I said YOU should fight in a karate tournament! Then you turned the tables…or more like flipped them into the damn wall.”
“But you’re my little brother. It’s my job to teach you stuff about life and I was helping you get experience in fighting.”
“Experience? More like memory, mother fucker, I’m scarred for life! I’ll never eat at a sushi bar again.”
“Just stop being over dramatic and relax.”
“No! I will not relax after you just wasted our time and got my ass kicked! You know what…forget doing this the legal way. Let’s get down to real business.”
“Now I’m liking the way you think!”
Later, in a deli…Alvise and Cleto were looking around at snacks.
“Should we get Pockersnips?” Alvise asked Cleto.
“Mm, I was thinking more of the Buttersnitches.” Cleto grabbed one and threw it to Alvise.
“How about Buddyduds?”
“Nah, let’s get Snicklepops.” Cleto grabbed one and threw it to Alvise.
“Oh, how about-“
“We’re all set.” Cleto walked to the checkout counter. Alvise sighed and followed. The woman at the register stared at Alvise, loudly chewing gum, as he put the snacks up on the counter.
“That’ll be four dollars on the diggity dot, boys.” the woman pushed keys on the register, then popped it open and held her hand out. The brothers looked at each other, then reached into their back pockets and pulled out pistols. They turned around to the other civilians.
“Alright, this is an up stick! Everybody get on the floor!” Cleto shouted at the top of his lungs and shot at the ceiling once. Everybody in the deli screamed and instantly got on the floor as they were ordered. Cleto turned back around to see that the woman was gone.
“Where’d she go!?” Cleto leaned over the counter to see that she was lying on the floor, “This ain’t yoga time, bitch! Get the hell up!” he pointed his gun at her. The woman got up with her hands held up, “You told us to get on the floor.”
“I don’t want to hear it! Now go in the back and get a big ass box!” Cleto ordered. The woman started to run to the back room. Alvise turned around and spotted her running, “Freeze, bitch!” he held his gun up at her. She stopped, held her hands up, and squealed in fear.
“No, Alvise! I told her to get a box in the back.” said Cleto.
“Oh.” Alvise lowered his gun, “Then go, go.” the woman ran to the back room. Alvise and Cleto turned back to the civilians and watched them, waiting for their box. Cleto folded his arms and leaned toward Alvise, “I think we’re doing good so far.”
“Yeah, me too.” Alvise whispered back, “Watch this…” Alvise held his gun up, “Everybody get up!” all of the civilians quickly got up off of the floor, held their hands up, and looked at Alvise, sweating nervously and breathing hard in fear.
“Get on the floor!” Alvise shouted. The civilians hesitated for a split second, then got on the floor again.
“Everybody do the dinosaur!” Alvise screamed. The civilians looked up at him, confused. Cleto and Alvise chuckled quietly, then Cleto held his gun up and stepped toward the people, “You heard what he said, ass wipes! Do the dinosaur!” the civilians looked at each other, all confused and not knowing what to do.
“Rawr, bitches!” Alvise and Cleto broke out into a dance and danced all around the deli, until they came back to their original spots. The register woman came out of the back room with a big ass box in her hands and walked back behind the counter. She put the box up on the counter and slid it to Cleto, “Here you go.”
“Well, put the money from the register in it, dumb dumb!” Cleto pointed his gun at the woman. She screamed and grabbed handful after handful of money from the register and put it in the box. She finished up and handed the box to Alvise over the counter. Cleto glanced up and saw ski masks behind the woman, hanging on hooks.
“Are those for sale?” Cleto pointed to the ski masks. The woman turned around and looked at them, “Yes, they are.” she turned back to Cleto.
“How much?”
“Two dollars each.”
“Can we get two, please?” Cleto pulled four dollars out of the box and handed it to the woman. She grabbed the money and put it in the register, then turned around, took two ski masks off of their hooks, and handed them to the brothers.
“Thank you.” Cleto and Alvise put the masks on, looked at each other, and nodded. Cleto turned around and held his gun up, “Okay, listen up! I’m in a bad mood, people. Not even two hours ago I got fucked up by Tony Jaa’s cousin, and trust me, it didn’t feel so sweet like candy. So I see it best you cooperate with your most extensive gratefulness for the fact that we didn’t come in here and light you all up like one big Christmas tree in the first place. And if we did, me and my brother would be the only sparkly, shining ornaments left untouched. So give us your money, shut the fuck up, and we’ll be out of here!” Cleto shot at the ceiling once again. Everybody screamed and flinched. Alvise and Cleto went around to everybody, taking their wallets and throwing them in the box. When they finished, Alvise put the box down, picked a fat lady up off of the floor, and kissed her passionately, then shoved her into a shelf of Doritos, picked the box back up, and walked over to the door with Cleto.
“Thank you for your cooperation, goodbye now.” Cleto opened the door for Alvise and they walked out, only to hear sirens and see cop cars heading toward the deli. They ran back inside and Alvise put the box down.
“Hope you didn’t miss us already!” Cleto shot at the ceiling one more time, making everybody scream once again. Alvise took his gun out, picked a lady up off of the floor, put his arm around her neck, and put the gun to her head. The lady screamed at the top of her lungs. Everybody in the deli squinted in pain.
“Fine, ya fuckin’ siren.” Alvise threw the lady back on the floor, “Alright, show of hands, who won’t be a bitch if I hold you hostage?” the civilians looked around at each other and slowly, a little boy raised his hand.
“Alright, get over here.” said Alvise. The boy got up and walked over to him. Alvise put his arm around the kid’s neck and held the gun to his head, “Kay cool.” Cleto leaned against the wall beside the door and crouched down. He slowly peeked out of the glass of the door and saw the cop cars screeching to a stop in front of the deli. Police officers hopped out of the cars and took their guns out.
“Don’t come near the door! We have hostages!” Cleto yelled. Detective Keesh pulled up beside the police and climbed out of the car with Bumpeltclunt. They walked up to the cops.
“Says he has hostages, sir.” a young cop told Keesh.
“Hmph,” Keesh took a megaphone out of one of the police cars, “How many white people?” Keesh asked Cleto through it. Cleto looked around at all the civilians, “Six out of eleven!” he yelled out.
“Damn,” Keesh said to himself, “I know it’s you two in there. Come out and let’s have a talk.” he spoke through the megaphone again.
“A taaalk…” came Bumpelclunt’s whispering voice through what sounded like another megaphone. Keesh turned to him and saw one in his hand. Bumpeltclunt put it down and shrugged at Keesh. Keesh turned back to the deli, “Come on out, mothuh fuckuhs!”
“Kiss my ass!” Cleto yelled.
“Who’s ass?”
“Yours truly!”
“First off, you don’t own one. Second, I don’t kiss animals.”
“We have hostages!”
“I think you told us that.”
“We wanna jet!”
“And rice pudding…” Alvise whispered to Cleto, “tell him.”
“And some rice pudding!” Cleto yelled out.
“If you want to jet you could have done it out the back door, but we have men blocking that way now.” said Keesh.
“No, a plane! And some rice pudding!”
“Just stop wasting everybody’s time and give up!”
“We want rice pudding!”
“Give up!”
“Rice pudding!”
“Give up!”
“Rice pudding!”
“Give…”
“Rice…”
“Up!”
“Pudding!”
“Give…”
“Rice…”
“Up!”
“Pudding!”
“Give up!” Keesh screamed. Then…no answer. He stood breathing hard with anger. What was Cleto doing? Still no answer came after they waited and waited.
“Up top!” a cop screamed. Keesh looked up at the roof of the deli to see Cleto standing there, pointing his gun at the police.
“Rice pudding, mothuh fuckuuuuuhs!” Cleto screamed as he unleashed his clip on the cops, reloading and shooting some more. The cops shot back, but kept missing. Keesh and Bumpelclunt ran back to the detective car and got in.
“Put your seatbelt on, Bumpelclunt,” Keesh put his own on, gripped the steering wheel, and looked over at his partner, “This might hurt a little.” Keesh lifted his leg up to the ceiling of the car, then slammed his foot down on the gas peddle. The car drove full speed toward the deli, bumping into the corners of the police cars on the way. Cleto shot at the car, shouting like a soldier, until it crashed into the deli with fierce force and broke through the wall. Alvise’s eyes widened. He threw the little boy that he was holding hostage at the car and jumped out of the way. The boy was hit and thrown across the room.
“Get your-“ Keesh coughed as he climbed out of the smoking car, slowly and painfully, “Get your hands up.” Alvise shot at him. Keesh ducked down. Bumpelclunt headbutted his window open, pointed his gun at Alvise, and shot his gun.
“Yikes!” the pistol flew out of Alvise’s hands, “Okay, detectives. Sheesh.” he put his hands up.
Outside, Cleto lost his balance and fell off the roof onto a police car, shattering the windshield. A cop ran up to him, “Hachop, asshole!” the cop chopped Cleto in the chest, “There! I got him!”
“Ow! As if falling from the roof wasn’t enough?” Cleto started to tear.

Interrogation III

SLAP! - Cleto didn’t jump; he was used to it by now. Once again, Alvise stood away from the table. Keesh sat in his chair with a cast on his arm and a bandage on his cheek, tapping the table with his middle finger. Bumpelclunt stood near him, wearing a patch over his right eye. Cleto coughed, Alvise sneezed, Keesh yawned, Bumpelclunt did a quieter, stretched version of Keesh’s yawn. Keesh glanced up at him, then looked back at the brothers.
“Take a seat.” Keesh told Alvise.
“Yeah, I’ll take this seat and smash you over the head with it!” Alvise ran over and started to pick up his chair.
“Alvise! Alvise!” Cleto stood up and tried to grab the seat from Alvise. Keesh took a pistol out from his pocket and shot the ceiling. Alvise put the chair down, Cleto sat back down, and a piece of the ceiling fell and cracked Keesh on the top of the head, but it didn’t faze him.
“Take a seat.” said Keesh. Alvise mumbled and sat down.
“Now I’ve got you punks…” Keesh looked back and forth from both of the brothers, “I got you good. Don’t you think so?” Keesh turned to Bumpelclunt.
“Yeah, you got em good.” Bumpelclunt answered.
“Yeah,” Keesh turned back to the brothers, “I got you good. I told you I would too. Well…I told you I’d get you…not necessarily good, but I got you…and good. So…” Keesh put his gun down and opened the folder on the table with his one good hand, “I think you boys are gay. You must be if you want to go to jail so badly…surrounded by big, greasy, hairy men. You’d love that wouldn’t you?” Keesh flipped through the papers, reading them in silence.
“He asked you a question!” Bumpelclunt walked up to the brothers.
“No, it was a rhetorical question, calm down.” said Keesh.
“He asked you a rhetorical question!”
“Sit the fuck down!” Keesh slammed his fist down on the table. Bumpelclunt walked back to his spot and hung his head in shame.
“Gosh, I shouldn’t have to get that way with my partner…anyway…” Keesh went back to reading. He seemed like he was really into whatever the papers were, smiling at some parts, and dropping his jaw at others. Bumpelclunt cleared his throat and peeked over Keesh’s shoulder to see what it was. Keesh quickly turned to him, “What!? What’s the matter?”
“Oh, umm…what’re you reading?” asked Bumpelclunt.
“Oh, it’s a printout of a book from my creative writing class in college.”
“Why are you reading it in the middle of an interrogation?”
“Oh! My bad…” Keesh closed the folder and threw it over his shoulder. He reached under the table, pulled out another folder, and slapped it on the table, “Alright, assholes! Why’d you do it!?”
“We didn’t!” Alvise shouted.
“I was there, I saw you, and I took you in my car!”
“You put guys wearing ski masks in your car, you took US out of your car. How can you prove that those guys didn’t do a ninja switch with us while you weren’t looking? Because, I mean, I was freaked out when I got out of the car, I didn’t know where I was or how I got there. W-weren’t you, Cleto?”
“Y-yeah,” said Cleto, “I’m kinda freaked out right now. Why am I here? I’m innocent, I’m innocent!”
“You got the wrong guys, Keesh.”
“Oh yeah?” Keesh stood up, “Let’s see what the witnesses have to say.”
-
“They…they wanted us to do the dinosaur. I don’t even know what that is! I mean, I know what a dinosaur is and what one looks like, but what is the dinosaur? Some kind of sexual position?”
“I let him hold me hostage. Does that make me not a bitch?”
“He thought I was doing yoga. I’m a little chubby. Skinny people do yoga.”
“The way he kissed me…I thought I was in heaven. He tasted sweeter than fudge drowned strawberries on Valentine ’s Day. And when he threw me into the shelf and fractured my spine…oh, I think I’m in love.”
“Yo dawg, I don’t know what was up with the dancing and the Land Before Time shit, but they kepts it real. They handled biniss like true robbery artists should, I give em props. And when he got up on that roof, woohoohoooo! That was tight, he duh man.”
“I was scared. Really really scared. I think I urinated my pants…and maybe crapped my drawers…and passed kidney stones.”
“I was so glad when he threw that chick that screamed, a def person would have heard that shit. That bitch could shatter steal with that scream. I think they were completely justified after that.”
“To die or not to die? That was the question that mingled in my thoughts at the time. I was thinking maybe I could get up and do some gay shit like grab their asses until they got freaked out enough to leave…but I also thought maybe they were gay and they’d assume I was also gay, so they’d take me to their house as their sex slave. But I’m not gay!”
“Those guys are awesome. Someone should make a movie about them…seriously. I’d download it. I mean…shit!”
“I knew they wouldn’t pull the trigger! I just…I felt comfortable on the floor…y-yeah, that’s it! That’s why I didn’t do nothin’, or else I woulda busted they ass within a tick of a tock! Thermal Thugs! Thermal Thugs! Represent!”
“Give up, I know you’re not a cop! That robbery was set up, played out, rehearsed! And very well put together might I add. So how much were those guys paid for that? How much are you getting paid right now? Am I gonna get paid once you finally decide to reveal that this is all fake!?”
-
“Okay,” Keesh was back in the room with Bumpelclunt, Cleto, and Alvise, “Well, a fat chick said one of you kissed her, a black man said he liked the way you two ran shit, and some guy watched Truman’s Show too many times. All in all, the only evidence that adds up to you two is that one guy thought you may have been gay. I think that’s enough to throw you boys in jail.”
“We didn’t do it!” screamed Alvise.
“Prove to me that you didn’t!”
“Prove to us that we did!”
“Uh-uh, I called it first!”
“Let’s call it to see who’s guilty! One two three, not it!”
“…not it!” Keesh said it too late, “Ohh, screw you! “ he got up and walked over to Alvise, “When’s the last time you had a TV dinner while actually sitting at the TV!? You look like a guy that doesn’t sit anywhere near a TV while eating a TV dinner just for the fact that you feel you don’t have to do what anything’s meant for because you’re a some big, tough guy! Or maybe you’re the opposite…maybe you don’t even own a TV and you feel you have to have one because everyone else has one, but you can’t afford one and you feel sad for yourself. So you rob a deli to raise the money for one! Don’t feel guilty, I’d want to rob a deli too if it came down to me needing a TV so I could watch reruns of America’s Next Top Model! That show has some good shit on it sometimes.”
“We aren’t raising money for a television! We’re raising it for shoes!” Alvise shouted, then looked at Cleto whose eyes were wide and his jaw was dropped. Then, Alvise’s eyes went wide, then he hung his head in shame when he figured out what he had said.
“What was that?” Keesh caught on and looked under the table to see Cleto wearing the flamingo slippers, “You robbed the deli for shoe money? That’s right…one of the robbers had flamingo slippers on! You’re coming in with me, boys!”
“We’re already in.”
“Well you’re under arrest!” Keesh pulled Alvise up from his seat and turned him around, then handcuffed him, “Take him.” Keesh told Bumpelclunt, who then came over and grabbed Alvise’s arm and took him across the room, toward the door.
“Get up!” Keesh pulled Cleto up and handcuffed him, “Let’s go.” Keesh and Bumpelclunt headed for the door, until it flew open and hit the wall. The chief inspector, Orfeo, walked into the room with two policemen behind him.
“Let go of those men.” Orfeo ordered.
“What’s going on here, chief?” asked Keesh. One of the officers walked up to Bumpelclunt and the other walked up to Keesh. The officers took the detectives’ hands behind their backs and handcuffed them.
“Hey, what’s this all about!?”
“You ruined a wall of a deli and hit a child, that’s what.” Orfeo explained, “You’ll be suspended for three days and spend a night in jail.”
“What!? You can’t be serious! I was just talking to the kid a few minutes ago, he was fine! I demand a lawyer!” Keesh whined as he was being taken out of the room with Bumpelclunt.
“Sorry about that, boys. He seems to always be bugging you two, so I’ve heard. Is there any way I can make it up to you?” asked Orfeo. Alvise smiled at Cleto.
“How about seven thousand dollars?” asked Cleto.
“It’s a deal.” Orfeo shook their hands.
Later, Alvise and Cleto stood on top of a storage truck, peeking down into the storage, only to see thousands of sprinkled donuts filling it to the top.
“Seven grand worth of donuts!” Alvise screamed.
“And the truck’s free.” Orfeo threw the keys up to Cleto and walked away.
“FUCK! Fucking fuckin’ fuck!” Alvise repeatedly stomped the top of the truck in a rage. Cleto climbed down, got in the truck, and started it up. Alvise soon joined him, sitting in the passenger seat. They sat in silence for a minute or two. Finally, Cleto turned to Alvise, “So what can we do with seven thousand dollars worth of donuts?” he asked. Alvise’s miserable expression changed to a smile.
Later, in the streets of Newer York City…
Alvise and Cleto sat on the huge pile of donuts at the top of a hill, cheering loudly with their hands in the air…but they weren’t moving an inch.
“Woooooooo!” Alvise screamed.
“Woooohoooo! Yeah!” Cleto screamed as well.
“Wowowowoooooow! Wooo!”
“Yeeeeeah! Woooooo!”
“Wooohoooohoohoohooooo!”
“Yeeeeeah! Yeah! Woooo!”
“Waaaaah! Yeah yeah yeah!”
“Wooooo!”
“Wahooo!”
“Wooweeee!”
“Woohoo!”
“Yeah!”
“Woo!”
“Woo!”
“Woohoo…”
“Woo.”
“Woo…”
“Y…Yeah…”
“Woo…”
“W…”
“Woo…”
“Yeah…this isn’t working out like last time.”