The Paxtangbo; or The Birth, Death, and Violent Emotions of Arnold Nawrocki and Others Like Him
an excerpt

WCRAP Broadcaster Hugh Jass: Hello, this is Hugh Jass, reporting for WCRAP. A few days ago, a new religion was founded, Paxism, that calls itself "the cool religion". We are here today with the founder of the religion-

The Pineapple Fiend: Actually, I'm just the spokesman.

HJ: - yes, yes, we are here with the spokesman of the religion, the Pineapple Fiend.

TPF: That's simply fantastic.

HJ: Erm... yeah. Well, anyway, why did the people in charge decide to make this religion?

TPF: I don't know, we felt like it.

HJ: Can you maybe shed a little more light on why they made this religion?

TPF: Well, I suppose one reason is that we were tired of all the lameness going on in the world. You know, there are a bunch of religions in the world, but none of them are really cool. I mean, shouldn't that be what religion is about? You'd think that with all those religions some would be pretty cool. But people keep making such a big deal about religion, they're really not cool at all.

HJ: Can you please explain the cool/lame concept to me? I am a tad confused.

TPF: Well, you know, some things are cool, and some things are sort of just lame. That's like... the good things are cool... and the bad things are lame. Lame things are just like... stupid. But cool things are really awesome and stuff.

HJ: It seems that cool and lame are two pretty primitive, uneducated words. Why did you decide to use them instead of... say... good and evil? Light and dark?

TPF: Well duh! It's not like lame things are evil. I mean, the ABC song is pretty lame, but it's not like it's evil or anything. Lame things aren't evil. They're just like... crap. Usually lame people are just crappy dudes trying to be cool. They're not trying to be evil at all, they're just really, really, lame. It's also that we wanted to put the words in language that even stupid people can understand.

HJ: Didn't someone say "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions"?

TPF: Dude! Hell is a Christian belief, not a Paxist. We don't talk about Hell. But we still say "What the hell". I mean, that's a pretty cool thing to do, saying "What the hell".

HJ: Um... yeah. That's right. So does your religion have a holy book or some sort of scripture? What sort of things does it have in it?

TPF: Yes! It's flipping AWESOME. It's like, at least the parts with the story stuff in them, it's pretty much the best novel ever written. Totally beats the crap out of Moby Dick.

HJ: Wait... I'm a bit confused. So this is a novel? Most holy books aren't novels. They're usually made to convey to the reader a sense of what the deity wants.

TPF: Our holy book exists for entertainment value, not for some kind of "FIND SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTMENT" crap. It's a really great read. An amazing work of fiction.

HJ: A work of fiction? But surely that's not the point of a religion? You have to believe in the religion! Religions must have faith to exist. Without faith, religions are nothing! Please explain this to me and our WCRAP listeners.

TPF: No, no, you are mistaken. According to a very important Paxist belief, anything that anyone invents, makes up, and holds in their mind is true, in a different plane of living. So, yes, we do believe in the stuff in our holy book. It is true in the same way that all made up things are true.

HJ: Wouldn't that also mean that you believe in Christian beliefs too? Don't you also believe in every other religion, even the ones that you think are "lame"?

TPF: Which is precisely the point of Paxism! Everything is real! There is more than one true god! Do you know what Pax means? It means peace! And since every religion is real, well then, we can all be peaceful! There's no reason to fight!

HJ: If every religion is real, then what's the point of being a Paxist? Why can't you be some other religion? Why is Paxism the religion you choose?

TPF: It is not a question about what is real or false! It's about what is cool or lame! The reason we are Paxists is because it is much cooler than the other religions, not because it is the one true religion. I see why you fail to understand Paxism.

HJ: Well, I'm sorry, it's just that it doesn't seem to make much sense.

TPF: The reason it doesn't make sense to you is because you are accustomed to lame religions! Try opening your eyes to the coolness all around you!

HJ: Well, um... what is this holy book's name?

TPF: The Paxtangbo.

HJ: Well, I must say, that's very creative. What would you say is the most important aspect of your religion?

TPF: That's easy man, definitely Rule Seven of the Seven Very Important Rules: "Nobody may take Paxism seriously. This is the worst thing a Paxist can possibly do." That is pretty much the rule that I live by.

HJ: Is this to say that Paxism is some kind of joke? A parody, designed to mock famous religions like Christianity?

TPF: No! Unlike some parody religions, following this religion will make you happier. It might not end your suffering, but it might slightly lessen the pain. What we mean by that rule is that if people start taking the Paxtangbo literally, then bad things would happen, and this religion would start being lame. All religions are sort of like a time bomb, no matter how cool they are, certain people will take them too far. Then they will be lame. This rule is designed to stop that.

HJ: This seems very interesting... I suppose. I'll have to look into this further. Well, that's all the time we have for you today, so bye, Mr. Fiend.

TPF: Hey, don't I get a thank you? Manners, dude.

HJ: Thank you, Mr. Fiend.

TPF: You're very welcome.