Excerpt: This Daisy Wears Chuck Taylors

Becoming a Girl Scout Leader isn't quite as easy as I thought it was going to be. It sounded simple enough, go to the Girl Scout website and take the one-hour online training class.

After the first three pages I was directed to a questionnaire. I was feeling pretty confident until I opened the document and realized it was full of open-ended questions.

I thought this thing was going to be multiple choice with circles to color in. I was ready to watch the online video and then go to the questionnaire to answer five questions about what I just viewed.

Negative.

I had to answer questions like:

In what ways can you help the organization fulfill its mission?

Keeping in mind the three leadership keys – Discover, Connect and Take Action – how can you help girls to achieve their leadership aspirations?

And then the final question -- the kicker which produced a large, expanding ring of sweat underneath each arm pit:

List three ways, including the reasons why, you would enjoy being involved in Girl Scouts.

Uh, Houston? We have a problem. I know this is a volunteer gig and all, but I really am doing this under duress. How am I supposed to come up with ways – much less reasons why – I would enjoy being involved?

What the hell, man? I wanted to drop my kid off for an hour or so twice a month so she could wear a blue vest and make a Popsicle stick doll with yarn hair. That is how I would enjoy being involved, Girl Scouts of America – at an arm’s length.

Are you still interested in me becoming a volunteer if I’m honest? No? I didn’t think so.

I felt like I was competing in the Question and Answer segment of the Miss America pageant. I imagined myself picking a folded piece of paper out of a glass fishbowl as I stood next to the MC.

I’m not a girlie-girl, I never was. So even though I imagine I am exploiting my looks with the express goal of earning scholarship money to hone my mind – they’re always in pursuit of financing higher education in the Miss America pageant, aren’t they? – I see myself wearing a modest black dress, maybe with a few sequins, and a pair of Converse low tops.

I don’t think I’d have sequins on my Chucks. That might be too over-the-top. But I do love my Converse low tops and I wear them proudly at all times, so I’m sure I’d pair that dress with some comfy Chucks.

I have many different pairs, 14 at last count, in different colors and designs and I enjoy all of them immensely. Each pair is a work of art; they are comfortable yet stylish and I will wear them until my dying day.

In fact, if I won the lotto I would buy a new pair for every day of the year. Yes, 365 pairs and then some.

Hell, if I won the lotto I would commission some sort of shoe designer to create the designs in colors I deem appropriate. I’d also have a fire-proof walk-in closet built in my house with shelves of varying levels to show case each pair. The bottom third of each wall would be covered in mirrors so I could check out my look.

I would never want full length mirrors, though, because I have some issues when it comes to self esteem. I don’t need to see my face or my hips. But I do enjoy admiring a new pair – or a well-worn pair for that matter – of Chuck Taylors.

So I figure if I’m winning the lotto, I might as well dream big.

Anyway, back to my anxiety sequence. Somber yet suspenseful music plays as I reach into the clear fishbowl to choose my question.

The B-list celebrity with expertly coiffed hair and a crisp tuxedo opens the paper and slowly reads into his hand-held microphone.

"List three ways, including the reasons why, you would enjoy being involved in Girl Scouts during your reign as Miss America if you are, indeed, crowned Miss America, Amanda.”

I smile wide and wrap my hand around the microphone – above his hand since he will not release the mic into my custody – and I lean forward to provide my answer.
I make sure to employ the time-honored tradition of slowly restating the question to buy myself more time.

"The three ways, including the three reasons why, I would enjoy being involved in the Girl Scouts during my reign as Miss America if I am, indeed, crowned Miss America would be my ability to deepen my bond with my daughter as her Girl Scout Troop Leader.
I would be able to strengthen my own leadership skills.

And lastly I could create a Utopian society of children and adults who always wear Converse low tops."

I bow slightly, still holding the mic, then yell "Converse low tops rule!” making sure to issue a crazy scream ala Howard Dean at the post-caucus rally in Iowa.

Then I pivot and exit stage left.