Excerpt: Conceptual Anatomical Sadness

I sat alone in a room listening to the music that left me feeling the notion that my heart was going through something deep and unintelligible, something brilliant and empty at the same time. The concept of opposites leaving the circular formation of an opposing idea left to no one, but the fleeting moment of one coherent thought. Does this make any sense or have I simply lapsed into some undiscovered plane of thought? Have I lost all logical form of communicative nature? These are the questions that find themselves in my mind.
As long as the year’s end approaches, the concept of inquiry slows down and leads toward something more acceptable along the lines of insomnia and commiseration between the combination of heart and heart-sickness.
I sat in a relatively quiet restaurant, thinking these kind unpleasant thoughts to myself wishing, hoping, searching for something to do, something to think or be, someone to become and this is what I found. There is a line from an old movie that has David Goldblum in it and it consistently reminds me of myself. “Wherever you go, there you are.” What the fuck does that mean? I have no idea, is there a point to any of this or is it all just the meandering thoughts of a wandering existence desperately searching for something more. But, fuck it, I have shit to do today.
I got up from the restaurant, paid my bill and looked for the nearest subway station. The conglomeration of corporations and governments alike is leaving this world empty and lost, drowning in it’s own fucking piss…capitalism, what the fuck else could it be? Fuckin’ nothing, that’s goddamn right, isn’t it? Anyway, so I’m looking for the subway station and I stumble upon someone I know, someone I know well, but not well enough, you see it’s difficult to understand the nature of flirtation in a world where language is not what it once was. If only I could perhaps begin to understand. Hi, how are you? The conversation began to start with simple pleasantries and kind gestures and then all too abruptly it left, or rather she left and I was left…alone again to search for the damn subway. Shit, I really do actually have to be somewhere and I can’t find the damn subway entrance. I eventually found what was to me, the entrance into a small little world of intravenous bloodlike passages that led left and right, up and down at the same time. I was in the subway system somewhere, just how fuckin’ long do I have to walk before I actually get to the train.
Train scene one. This is how I felt about my life. I was in a movie, I say was, because I am not who I am, I am only who I was, moments ago when the train left the station and then I was someone else, I am always someone else; unbecoming and becoming again the self and the other. My life was not dissimilar from a move, because no matter where I went, there I was, always was, but never is.