La Petite Mort
an excerpt

Mia

Mia left school the month before her eighteenth birthday. It was after she fell in love with Sylvia Plath, after she lost her virginity, after her father packed up his bags and left home, and before she discovered ecstasy. On the last day of school, she sat in the common room with the same people she had sat next to for six years, staring at the ceiling as they discussed their future plans. Her best friend Jessica was chattering excitedly about her choice of university course, as her other friends listened intently, desperate to interrupt and share their views on the future.

"Studying Theatre Arts has been my dream for as long as I can remember," Jessica said, "I just can't wait to start!"

Jessica had shared this fascinating thought with the group at least sixty times this week, and Mia was beginning to wonder how she had remained close to her friend for so long. At this particular moment, all Mia could think about was how badly she wanted to throw something heavy at Jessica's head in order to make her shut up. It wasn't Jessica's fault, Mia reasoned. She couldn't help being excited about university and Mia supposed she would feel the same if she was actually going. It wasn't that Mia hadn't had the opportunity to go to uni. On the contrary, Mia's parents and teachers had spent months trying to talk her into applying. Mia had read through every prospectus several times, waiting patiently for a course title to jump out and catch her attention. The more she had looked, however, the less the idea of studying for another four years had appealed to her.

At first she told her parents that she would go travelling for a year, then apply to uni when she felt ready. Unfortunately, she lacked the motivation to save money or look into travelling, and as the school leaving date came closer, she had given up on the idea entirely. Finally, after listening to countless lectures from her mother about how she was wasting her life, she applied for a job in a small coffee shop in town called Club Cappuccino They were desperate for staff and had offered her a full time position just a few days after her interview.

As she sat now, on the last day of school, listening to her friends discuss their future plans passionately, she wondered if she had made the right decision. The situation only got worse when Jessica turned to her and said, "I can't believe you're not going to uni. That's so rock and roll." Mia smiled bitterly at her friend's patronising comment, again asking herself how she had remained friends with Jess for so long. "Yeah, that's me, rock and roll through and through," she said sarcastically, fidgeting with the ends of her shiny black hair. "At least I'm not going to spend the next four years of my life getting into debt and fucking everything that moves."

Looking offended, Jess stood up and changed the subject quickly. "Well, come on," she grinned, "Let's take some photos and say our goodbyes."

After what seemed like hours of hugging her friends, promising eternal friendship and getting pictures taken of her standing outside the school gates, Mia managed to escape. She felt a tinge of sadness as she walked home from school for one final time, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't bring herself to get excited about what lay ahead for her.

"Right, so I'm going to leave you with Nina here, and if you've got any more questions don't hesitate to ask," said Anna, the manager of Club Cappuccino before hurriedly rushing away to her office to "add up some figures." Mia looked timidly at the girl assigned to work with her, slightly frightened at the thought of being thrown in the deep end. Nina was taller than Mia, and irritatingly thin, with long straight auburn hair and sparkling green eyes. She wore a pair of frayed blue jeans and a black t-shirt with a cat on the front. She had a bright blue stud in her nose, and a tattoo of a black rose circling her wrist. "Hey," Nina said, surprising Mia with her friendly tone of voice, "Don't panic, it's much easier than it looks."

Nina stayed by Mia's side for the rest of the day, helping her out when she made till errors, showing her how to correctly clean the coffee machine and encouraging her to steal chocolate muffins when Anna wasn't looking. Before long, the girls got to talking about how they had ended up working at Club Cappuccino.

"I was at uni studying English," Nina explained to Mia, "I took the job on part time to help fund my degree, but I despised my course so much that I left after the first year. Luckily Anna was looking for extra help, so she took me on full time and I've been here ever since. My original plan was to go back to uni and do Film Studies, but I guess I just never got around to it," she smiled.

"Thank God," Mia replied, "All my friends left school and went straight into uni. I thought I was the only person in the world who didn't want to go."

"No, you're not alone," smiled Nina, "Most of the people that work here are university dropouts. It's quite pathetic really. They should rename this place Club Dropout."

They spoke about their friends, families and lives for the rest of the day, pausing intermittently to serve customers or clear tables. Mia found Nina incredibly easy to talk to, certainly she understood her much better than she did her friends from school. At the end of Mia's shift, Nina suggested that she come out for a few drinks with the others from work.

Mia spent almost an hour on her hair and make-up that night, attempting to make herself look perfect. It wasn't often she got nervous - she had always been the leader of her group of friends - but today she was feeling very anxious at the prospect of meeting a new group of people. As it turned out, she didn't have much to worry about. Mia automatically felt welcomed into the group and could easily relax around them.

Three of Nina's friends turned up at the pub. Alex was tall and attractive, with blonde hair and a sexy smile. He made Mia laugh with his dry sense of humour and she immediately found herself blushing when he spoke to her. Kate was a beautiful petite girl who seemed wonderfully laid-back. She was well-spoken and quiet, but told fascinating stories of experiences Mia had only dreamed of. Finally there was Jack, a dirty-minded guy who often disgusted the others with his jokes. He was the first person to introduce himself when Mia arrived, and the first to offer her a little pink pill.

Mia had never had anything against hard drugs, but until now, the most she had done was smoke a little weed at parties. Suddenly, here she was, surrounded by all these new and interesting people, being offered 'e.' When it became apparent that Mia had never taken it before, all four of the others offered her guidance about drinking water, and telling someone if she felt unwell. They explained that the first high she would experience could never be repeated, and that there was no point ever searching for it, because that was how people got themselves addicted.

Mia stared at the tiny pill in her hand, not quite believing that this one pill would alter her brain chemistry. It looked just like a painkiller, she smiled, and swallowed it over subtly with a glass of water, nervously glancing around to check the bar staff couldn't see her.

The group moved on to the club next door, where almost everyone was dancing. Mia assumed that the majority of the crowd were on drugs. Just as she was spinning around on the dance floor, ready to ask Nina when the pill would kick in, a wonderful sensation hit her. The colours and lights around her seemed so much more beautiful than they had a few seconds before, and she had an over-whelming urge to hug and kiss everyone in the room. She danced for hours, feeling like she could go on forever. Before she knew it, something had taken control of her body, and she found herself grinding against Nina, touching her hair, her back and her face. She had never been attracted to another girl before in her life, but every part of her needed to touch and kiss Nina, so she did. Mia doubted that this moment would ever be mentioned again, and she didn't mind. As she kissed Nina passionately on the mouth, she felt like she was thanking her for introducing her to these beautiful people and this unique world she never imagined she would be a part of.

When Mia got home that night, she didn't sleep. She lay on her bed, exhausted, but completely unable to go to sleep. She had been warned that this would happen, but nothing had prepared her for how terrible she felt as she lay there, dehydrated, unable to move her limbs. That night, she swore never to take another pill.

Jessica

It was one week into Jessica's first term at university, and she was utterly lost. Her class was full of beautiful, stylish women who congregated in groups in coffee shops, discussing plays they had starred in together, making pretentious comments about symbolism in Hamlet. Jessica spent her lunch hour on a bench alone, nibbling on sandwiches and lacking the courage to speak to these superior beings. This wasn't how it was meant to be. She had dreamed of studying Theatre Arts since she could walk. At five years old she had performed monologues for her parents, and at fifteen her Drama teacher had named her the best actress in school. Yet here she sat, eating lunch alone, too frightened to talk to the more talented girls.

The highlight of her week was her class with Dr Anderson. Dr Anderson fascinated her, with his slightly crooked smile and unique perspective on Shakespeare's heroines. Sometimes she caught him looking at her and wondered if he noticed her lusting after him. She dreamed of staying behind after class, under the pretense of requiring extra help with her essay, in the hope that he would close over the door and kiss her hard on the mouth. It was ridiculous frankly, to dream that a man as experienced and intelligent as him would show the slightest interest in Jessica. Jessica knew she was attractive. She was small and slim, with curves in the right places, and long blonde hair which stayed perfectly straight even in a storm. She had been told she could light up a room with her smile. However, compared to the flawless girls in her class, with their clear skin and perfectly toned legs, Jessica was a nothing, and she knew that.

Pushing her thoughts to the back of her mind, Jess gathered up her belongings and began the walk to Dr Anderson's class. She had applied a little extra make-up today, worn a slightly shorter skirt than usual. She knew it was crazy, but she still held on to the hope that one day he might notice her.

Nina

It wasn't supposed to be like this. At sixteen years old, Nina had had her whole life planned out from start to finish. She was going to university to study English Literature. She would spend four years reading Bronte and Keats, and talking to wonderfully eclectic people in glamourous clothes, spending time with artsy boys who wrote her poetry and took her for picnics at midnight. Then when she was finished her degree, she would get a job in publishing and work on her novel in her spare time.

It hadn't worked out that way. Nina had spent the majority of her first year of university drunk or high, sleeping with boys whose names she didn't remember the next morning, and handing in assignments late. She was never sure why things had worked out the way they did, or when she lost the motivation to pursue what had once been her dream, but here she was, a 22 year old coffee shop barista with no long term goals. As she looked at the new girl, Mia, she saw herself at 18, lost, pressured and confused, desperate for someone to validate her existence. Nina liked her, and whilst she wanted to help her find her way in the world, she knew she would merely end up drawing Mia into the only world Nina knew: a world where the day didn't truly start until 11pm when the clubs opened.

Nina turned around and glanced at the boy who lay beside her in bed. She could barely remember meeting him the night before. He was attractive, she supposed, but no more so than any of the others. He was generic and dull, and she felt bored even looking at him. She knew he would never call her again, and that was the way she liked it. The sex hadn't been particularly memorable, so she would have no problem forgetting everything about this boy. She fumbled around in the dark, trying to gather up all her clothes and leave before he woke up. She hoped he wasn't one of the needy types, who would get upset if they woke up and saw her leaving.

Nina pulled her jeans on and quietly made her way over to the mirror. Her hair was dirty and sticking up in strange places. She had black mascara stains on her cheeks and her pupils were like saucers, serving as a reminder of the excessive amount of coke she had snorted the night before. She could still taste stale cigarette smoke on her tongue and her legs were covered in bruises from falling over and bumping into people in the club she had been in.

Fuck, she thought, I'm due in work in an hour. Doing her best to cover up the evidence of last night's coke and vodka fueled adventure, she dragged a brush through her knotted red hair and scrubbed her face clean. Finally, she reached for her striped gray sweatshirt and pulled it over her head to cover bruises and love bites. Nina took one last glance around the boy's messy student flat to see if she had left anything important behind, grabbed her over-sized handbag and headed for the door.

Mia

As she served yet another hazelnut latte to a middle aged middle class woman, Mia noticed Nina walk in the door and her face automatically lit up. Recently, Nina had been the only person to help Mia get through the long days at work. She looked rough today though, Mia noted. Her hair was scraped back like she had done it in a hurry, and she wasn't wearing her usual three layers of make-up. Nonetheless, she smiled slightly upon seeing Mia's face and walked towards her purposefully. "Hello Miss Mia, how are you today?" Nina asked in a surprisingly cheerful tone.

"As well as could be expected. Better now you're here to chat to," smiled Mia, "I take it you were out last night."

Nina laughed slightly, "Is it that obvious. Yeah, I just went out clubbing with a few mates. Pulled a boy, can't remember his name."

Nina never failed to shock Mia with her honest and open nature. She said things Mia sometimes wished she could say, but didn't have the courage. Nina clearly noticed her shocked expression, tapped her shoulder playfully and giggled, "Yeah, I'm a whore. Deal with it."

"Quiet night in tonight then?" Mia asked.

"Are you having a laugh?" grinned Nina, "We're all going to Kate's for dinner. You're invited, bring a bottle."

Before Mia had time to respond, they were interrupted by a large well-dressed woman. "Exuse me," she said in an irritated tone, "Can I have a large hazelnut latte?"

Mia arrived at Kate's flat at 6.15 pm, with a bottle of white wine and a few CDs in tow. Kate lived in a nice modern flat, with wooden floors and pictures of film stars on the walls. Mia wondered how Kate paid for such an up-market flat on her minimum wage, before deciding that her parents must be well-off.

"Hi darling," echoed Kate's warm voice as she entered the flat, "Everybody's already here, come in and have a seat."

Mia sank into a brightly coloured beanbag in the corner of the room and glanced around at her newfound friends. She had been out many times with them since that first night when she had taken her first pill. She had not kept the promise she had made herself, and had spent quite a few nights dancing around, high on ecstasy. The thing was that when she was with the others, she lost her self-discipline and found it hard to say no to anything.

As she looked around the room, she began to understand what Nina had meant by the word "dinner." There were takeaway menus on the coffee table for anyone who wanted to order food, but next to them lay five lines of coke, laid out carefully by Kate for each member of the group. It all seemed so very natural to have such substances sitting next to wine glasses and magazines. As if reading her mind, Alex walked over to the table, leaned over and snorted his line, before throwing his head back and uttering the words, "God, that's good."

She hadn't been able to stop watching Alex since the night she had met him, and she had become so nervous about her crush that she hadn't even told Nina of her feelings for the boy. As the group chatted about music and took the drugs, she found her eyes drifting to where Alex was sitting. Silently, she got up and inhaled the line of coke lying on the table. The high hit her almost instantly, and she felt completely euphoric. It wasn't a waiting game, like ecstasy, where you were never sure when or where the drug would kick in. Suddenly she had the urge to take on the world, and felt like she could if she wanted to. Mia wandered over to the sofa Alex was sitting on and perched next to him. "Hey," he said, "What's up?"

Without saying a word, Mia did something she would never do when sober. She reached out and touched Alex's smooth cheek, before pulling him in towards her and kissing him hard on the mouth. He responded immediately and kissed her passionately in return. The rest of the group barely batted an eyelid as he ran his hands over her large breasts and whispered in her ear, "Pehaps we should go upstairs."

Mia wondered for a second if it would be acceptable to use Kate's bedroom, before realising everyone was too high to care. She followed Alex upstairs and into a large bedroom. Before she had time to think, Alex pushed her onto the bed and climbed on top of her, kissing her mouth and neck passionately. Hungrily, he ran his hands down her neck and pulled open her shirt, revealing her black polka dot bra. Reaching inside, he grabbed her breast, before pressing his lips against her small pink nipple and biting roughly on it. Within moments he had his other hand on the button on her jeans, and was undoing it and pulling her zip down expertly.

Alex threw her jeans on the floor and pushed up hard against her, his cock moving against her wet little cunt. As he finally pushed her pants to the side and thrust himself inside her, she breathed a sigh of relief. It felt like she had waited her whole life for passion this intense. As he thrust inside her again, Alex bit her shoulder hard, leaving a small red mark, before scratching his nails down her chest and making her scream out very slightly.

"Keep going," Mia muttered, and he bit her shoulder again, harder this time, shocking her as she noticed that he had drawn blood. Alex groaned loudly and came hard inside of her, before climbing off of her, lying back and lighting a cigarette.

Jessica

She stood outside Dr Anderson's office anxiously hopping from one foot to another. Everyone in the class had been asked to go see him individually to discuss their essays. She imagined that this wouldn't be a problem for the other people in her class, but as for Jess, she was nervous. Standing directly in front of Dr Anderson alone was a frightening concept - she knew she would stutter and giggle like a silly little girl. A silly little girl was the very last thing she wanted him to perceive her as, because he was so grown-up and clever. She was desperate for him to see her as a mature, intelligent young lady, with fascinatingly unique views on plays and theatre. Something inside her told her that she couldn't pretend to be something she wasn't. Jess knew she was immature for her age. She hadn't lost her virginity yet and she still couldn't drink more than three vodkas without being sick. At school, while all the other girls were going out clubbing and meeting guys, Jess was going to bed at 11pm with a cup of hot chocolate, and attending church with her parents on sundays.

So, the idea of Dr Anderson being remotely interested in a girl like her was laughable. Yet she couldn't stop thinking about him. Sometimes she accidently forgot to pack her things away at the end of class, because she was still staring at him compulsively, utterly captivated by the way he moved and spoke. Her thoughts were interrupted by an all too familiar voice, calling her name, "Jessica Reid."

Grasping apprehensively onto her copy of Much Ado About Nothing Jess stepped into his office.

"Sit down," he said in a welcoming tone of voice, and she did so, glad that she didn't have to think about what to do. He began speaking to her about Much Ado... before asking her what she was planning to write about. Stuttering very slightly, she spoke in a soft voice of Shakespeare's heroines, and how she felt that Beatrice broke the mould he had made for them. She was writing about Beatrice as a character and how she would be presented on stage, because she was such an gutsy, exceptional character.

Dr Anderson smiled and nodded patiently along with her, taking care not to speak until she had finished. "That's a good idea," he said encouragingly when she was finished, "I love Beatrice." Jess blushed the second he complimented her, and decided that he must simply be humouring her because she was so quiet and nervous around him.

Dr Anderson stepped up out of his seat and walked around the desk to where Jess was sitting. "You needn't be so nervous around me, you know," he said, with a smile, "I like you too."

Jess was surprised by the simplicity of his last statement. It was like they were school kids in a playground, like there wasn't a twenty year age gap between them. Jess looked up into his eyes, still not knowing if she had dreamed the last five seconds of her life. Perhaps he meant, "I like you as a teacher should like a student" or "I like you as well as the other students," but there was something about the way he was looking at her which suggested otherwise. He seemed to be gazing into her big blue eyes with genuine longing.

Quietly, Dr Anderson stepped away from the desk he had been leaning on, and shut his office door. Upon returning to where she was sitting, he took Jess by the hand and pulled her up out of her chair. Without uttering a word, he ran his creased hand down the side of her face and gently pushed a strand of her blonde hair out of her face. Placing his hand on the back of her neck, he pulled her carefully towards him and kissed her tenderly on her full pink lips. It was like something out of a fairytale, Jess thought. It was so simple and perfect, like nothing she had ever experienced or thought she would experience. She kissed him back and it felt so wonderfully natural to be doing so. In that very moment, Jessica Reid, the good little Christian girl who went to bed at 11pm every night, fell madly in love with a man twenty years her senior.