Excerpt: The real reason why Iceland is bankrupt and how we need to fix it ! ! !

Welcome back it’s Felicia Sparkly (and Patti). Hey Patti? (Yes?) Where did your windings go? (Oh yes the imaginary people of windings lands were upset they were associated with such a horrid novel that they that requested I no longer use windings.) So now what are you going to do to take up pointless amounts of space? (Oh don’t worry I have many lab reports and essays due . . . I may even have a research paper or two to write.) GROAN!!!! (Oh please you’ll begin to love it.) Yeah in the same way I began to love the time I broke my ankle because it gave me sympathy and you know what sympathy results in? (What?) FREE DRINKS AT THE BAR WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP HOLLA HOLLA YEAH THAT’S WHAT I CALL FIERCE WHOOP. (I am ashamed to know you.) Hey, you created me! (Unfortunately.) So it has been an epic year. (How so?) Well, now that my life story has been exposed I have sorta become a kinda how do you say well cultural icon. (Felicia, I hate to break it to you, but sometimes I begin to think Marty Beller is slightly more famous than you.) NEVER! I may not be Angelina Jolie but there is one thing I definitely know for sure, I AM TENS HUNDREDS MILLIONS BILLIONS TRILLION QUADRILLIONS (We get it.) NEVER! I NEED TO FILL UP SPACE. Buy anywhore I am an infinite times more famous than Marty Beller. (So Felicia?) Yes? (What have you been up to?) You should know you are me. (Well yes but I think it would be better for the readers if you explain it.) What readers, your predator on the Nanowrimo web site? (Well maybe he is interested in my work.) Yeah but he is a creeper. (Yeah but maybe he is a creeper who would want a writer for the next great movie.) And the likeliness of this happening is? (shut up I can dream.) So let me get this straight you are hoping this creeper on the Nanowrimo web site is a famous hollywood agent who wants you to write his next great amazing script? (Stop it you’re starting to make sense.) Fine so what did you want me to do again? (explain what you have been up to.) Well I’ve been basically up to nothing. (Oh come one Felicia spill the beans.) Well to be honest I have been getting a little interested in politics. (uh huh.) No no no I am. I have learned from Arnold Schwarzenegger that once you think you are done with your show business career then it that means it is time to move on into politics. (Is that because you are getting old and ugly?) Hey! (Well I am just saying that you haven’t have to most rising career.) No I do have a rising one . . . in politics. (Well they always said politics is show business for ugly people.) No I am still beautiful, You know sometimes people ask me how I stay so beautiful. (So what do you tell them?) I did not say anything I just put dollars in their thongs. (Felicia those are strippers they are supposed to tell you that you are pretty . . . that way you give them more money.) No they were not strippers they were exotic dancers. (Sorta like John Linnell is fundamentally disgusting and hideous with teeth that can project out of his mouth so much that hey can use them as a pick for his guitar is “quirky”.) No unlike John Linnell, these strippers actually have talent. (No way, John Linnell has plenty of talent.) Name one talent he has. (He can play the accordion.) Big whoop, and Frank Zappa played the guitar. Neither of them were any good. (Well neither Frank Zappa nor John Linnell play the banjo.) You know Patti? (What?) You have quite a point there with that banjo comment. (told you.) I will now take this moment to fundamentally express how I feel about banjos. BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER!
(Felicia that was more than a moment . . . . quite frankly that was numerous pages.) Yes but I hate banjos so much that I needed numerous pages to get that off my chest. (I have a feeling that banjos will be the next Deborra-Lee Furness.) Well that very may will be. You see I saw Deborra-Lee Furness in a movie and she may be completely ugly, but she is a decent actress. (Felicia that was rather nice what happened to you?) To be completely honest I am trying to ignore anything or anyone Australian . . . except for Kylie Minogue. (Phew! I was going to say something.) Do not worry Patti I am you and you are me an you love Kylie Minogue even though she is Australian. (Exactly.) You know the fact that we like one Australian shows how accepting we are of inferior cultures. (How true.) But back to banjos yes the stupid horrid disgusting unnecessary instrument of the banjo. You know another way to pronounce banjo would be like bano as in bathroom because it is a pretty crappy instrument. I have never been listening to music and suddenly have had the thought of “Hey this song is good, but what would make it better is a twenty minute freeform banjo solo”. NOPE IT NEVER HAPPENED EVER IN MY LIFE AND I WILL BE DAMNED SURE THAT IT NEVER WILL EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER HAPPEN IN MY LIFE. (Felicia I have to agree with you on this.) Yes banjos are filth I would rather be friends with a murderer than a banjo player. I believe that everyone who is a banjo player has kidnapped beaten and held someone hostage. That is just how terrible banjo players are. (Okay that may be an exaggeration.) No it is completely true. (Who told you that?) Where I got get my information from is irrelevant. If I knew how I know all the stuff I know then I would only know half as much. (Well what’s half of nothing?) HEY!!! I have plently of knowledge. (Like what?) Well for starters I can name every canadian Prime Minister. (Well then name them.) Sir John A. Macdonald, Alexander Mackenzie, Sir John Abbott, Sir John Thompson, Sir Mackenzie Bowell, Sir Charles Tupper, Sir Wilfrid Laurier, Sir Robert Borden, Arthur Meighen, William Lyon Mackenzie King, Richard Bedford Bennett, Louis St. Laurent, John Diefenbaker, Lester B. Pearson, Pierre Trudeau, Joe Clark, John Turner, Brian Mulroney, Kim Campbell, Jean Chrétien, Paul Martin, Stephen Harper. (Felicia that was completely pointless no body cares about Canada.) I LOVE CANADA I’M CANADIAN. (I thought you said you were from Australia.) I TOLD YOU TO NOW MENTION THE “A” WORD. (Anderson Cooper?) ANDERSON COPPER!!!!!! DREAM BOAT. But no not him. I mean Australia. Oh crap now you got me saying it. (Saying what?) Australia! . . . oh snap I did it again. (You did it again! that is a song by Kylie Minogue.) I love Kylie Minogue! (Where is she from again?) Australia. CRAPPER you made me do it again. (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.) Stop it . . . you know how I feel about that wretched place. I wish we could convert all the banjos in the world into bombs and then go blow that place up. That would be like killing two birds with one stone. But yes I am no longer pretending . . . ahem . . . claiming to be Australian. (YAY.) I am now American - Canadian. (What?.) Well yes, I was born in America but then a massive snowman swept my family up and we landed in Canada. (Explain please.) Easy . . . you know how Canadians are complete bastards and are always sending us their cold air. (Umm, sure.) Well this day Canada was feeling rather vengeful and decided to send America the world’s biggest cold front. (I have a bad feeling about this.) Well don’t, trust me it’s a good story. (In the same way Twilight is a good story?) NO unlike Twilight this story does not involve creepy stalker vampires and werewolfs and helpless naive girls. (Can you tell the story in a Twilight version after you finish?) No that would be completely stupid . . . now tell me why I would do that? (Because it adds words.) Hey, I like that maybe I’ll tell three versions . . . (What would be the third?) Well first there would be the real one, then the twilight one, and then then then then (out with it.) Then there would be the hyperbole version. (HYPERBOLES!!!!! GASP THEY ARE THE MOST ESSENTIAL PIECE OF LITERATURE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. I THINK IF THE WORLD DIDN’T HAVE HYPERBOLES IT WOULD BLOW UP. . . . . . . . . . . IN FACT I AM THOROUGHLY CONVINCED THAT THIS WHOLE ECONOMIC DISASTER WE ARE IN IS DIRECTLY DUE TO WALL STREET’S LACK OF HYPERBOLE USE.) Well actually I think the whole economic mess is due to Wall Street’s overuse of hyperbole . . . . but then again that is for later in this tale. (NO YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR HYPERBOLES ARE BEYOND NECESSARY IT IS ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL . . . WHAT YOU NEED IN LIFE : FOOD, WATER, SHELTER, AND HYPERBOLES ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! IF HYPERBOLES DID NOT EXIST THEN NO ONE WOULD EVER CLAIM TO BE A THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS FAN . . . THEY WOULD BE LIKE SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS ? AND THEN SOMEONE WOULD ANSWER “MEH THEY ARE OKAY THEY ARE NOT MY FAVORITE BAND BUT SOME SONGS I LIKE I DO NOT KNOW IF I WOULD GO SEE THEM IN CONCERT BUT I MIGHT BUY ONE OF THEIR CDS IF IT WAS ON SALE OR SOMETHING. BUT IF YOU ASK SOMEONE WHAT HE OR SHE THINKS OF THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS AND THEY ANSWER IN HYPERBOLE IT WOULD BE LIKE : THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ! ! ! ! THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ! ! ! ! THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ! ! ! ! THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ! ! ! ! THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ! ! ! ! THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ! ! ! ! THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ! ! ! ! THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ! ! ! ! THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ! ! ! ! THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ! ! ! ! THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ! ! ! ! THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ! ! ! ! THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IS THE BEST BAND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ! ! ! !

ESPECIALLY MARTY Beller HE IS THE BEST DRUMMER THAT HAS WALKED THE EARTH. SOME SONGS CANNOT BE PLAYED BUT CERTAIN PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT AS TALENTED AS MARTY Beller. MARTY BELLER'S ASTRONOMICAL ASTOUNDING AWESOME AMAZING ADMIRABLE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .) Well that’s a lot of alliteration. (I WILL NEED TO ADDRESS ALLITERATION LATER BUT BACK TO THE TANGENT . . . . DRUMMING ABILITY MADE RINGO STAR WANT TO BECOME A DRUMMER. . . . MUSIC WOULD NOT EXIST IF MARTY Beller DID NOT PLAY THEY DRUMS IN FACT THE WORLD WOULD BE SILENT. . . . MARTY BELLER’S DRUMMING HAS CURED CANCER. . . . . MARTY BELLER’S DRUMMING CAN RAISE THE DEAD . . . . . MARTY BELLER’S DRUMMING CAN MAKE SINNERS GET TO HEAVEN . . . . MARTY BELLER’S DRUMMING CAN MAKE CHILDREN DO CALCULUS . . . . MARTY BELLER’S DRUMMING CAN SAVE THE ECONOMY . . . MARTY BELLER’S DRUMMING CAN MAKE PEOPLE BEAUTIFUL . . . MARTY BELLER’S DRUMMING CAN CAUSE WORLD PEACE ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ) If Marty Beller’s drumming can cause all these things then how come none of these things have happened? (Well They Might Be Giants is too busy belittling them selves with children’s records, and the government does not want this secret to get out. I mean if everyone knew Marty Beller’s drumming can create world peace then there would be no news and no news means no television and no television makes life boring . . . . Yes Marty Beller is so amazing and humble that he refrains from drumming in order to better the entertainment value of life . . . . what a guy! Let’s here it for Marty Beller ! ! ! ! ! WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP

But back to my story of how I was born in America but was forced to move to Canada. Yes . . . so I was perfectly content with my life in America. I mean free health care is nice but if the health care is free is there ever really health care? (that is pretty deep.) Stop interrupting. So anywhore . . . (sorry for interrupting before.) . . . YOU’RE DOING IT AGAIN! Yes but in America i was happy. To be frank I planned on staying in America my whole life. I mean America although it has its faults . . . is a rather nice country to live in. I mean we have diversity and really I sense a spirit and honesty from the American population. You know what? (what?) I FREAKING LOVE THIS COUNTRY . . . . . THE UNITED STATES IS THE BEST COUNTRY IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD AND THAT IS NOT A HYPERBOLE! ! ! THAT IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT! ! ! ! I AM GOING TO NOW BREAK DOWN CRYING IN THE AMOUNT OF LOVE I HAVE FOR THIS COUNTRY U - S - A ! ! ! ! ! !

(*enters with a bikini clad woman holding an American Flag . . . patriotic music is playing in the background*) Very nice, stealing a joke from a movie . . . you know that may be the only funny thing in this whole novel. (hey at least I am trying . . . you know what?) What? (at least I am putting forth the effort to try and craft a wonderful literary masterpiece some people cannot form sentences.) You call this word vomit sentences? (*cries a little okay a lottle* . . . you hurt my feelings) Yeah well get used to it sometimes it pays to be frank. But back to my Canadian story. I like America but one day those bastards in Canada sent down the world’s biggest cold front. Now this was not just any large cold front. Oh no this cold front was bigger than Mika’s ego. (I thought this was not supposed to be the hyperbole version?) Oh no that line about Mika is true. But this cold front absolutely devastated the entire town I lived in. I mean schools were not just closed for days they were closed for weeks. I did not think it could get any worse but it did. It started to precipitate . . . heavily. This is the most precipitation any place in the whole entire world has gotten. It snowed and snowed

This snow was not letting up anytime soon let me tell you. It snowed for 2 weeks straight. Now initially as a young girl I was excited for the snow. Oh sure the snow was great for the first couple days. I mean who does not love snow balls and snow angels and igloos and snow men. All of those things are fun. Before this terrible disastrous storm I had many fond memories in the snow. I mean one time I remember building a whole snow tunnel in my front yard and drawling all threw it . . . and another time I made a snow man that was rather large. It was at least 5 feet tall. Oh how I was proud of that snowman. But back to the story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . after the fourth day of snow it started to become dangerous. No one could leave their homes. The snow was piled up feet above the homes. Since the news program was too dedicated to Britney Spears’ latest endeavor, no one was warned of the oncoming snow. But it was worth it because everything Britney Spears does is extremely important . . . . much more important than any major natural disaster. Because frankly Britney Spears is a natural disaster herself. (BRITNEY BREAK!!!!

Superstar
Where you from, how's it going?
I know you
Got a clue, what you doing?

You can play brand new to
All the other chicks out here
But I know what you are
What you are, baby

Look at you
Gettin' more than just a re-up
Baby you
Got all the puppets with their strings up

Fakin' like a good one
But I call 'em like I see 'em
I know what you are
What you are, baby

Womanizer, woman-womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh
You're a womanizer, baby

You, you, you are
You, you, you are
Womanizer, womanizer
Womanizer

Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

You got me going
You're oh so charming
But I can't do it
You womanizer

Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

You say I'm crazy
I got you crazy
You're nothing but a
Womanizer

Daddy-O
You got the swagger of a champion
Too bad for you
You just can't find the right companion

I guess when you have one too many
Makes it hard, it could be easy
Who you are
That's just who you are, baby

Lollipop
Must mistake me, you're the sucker
To think that I
Would be a victim, not another

Say it, play it, how you wanna?
But no way I'm ever gonna
Fall for you
Never you, baby

Womanizer, woman-womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh
You're a womanizer, baby

You, you, you are
You, you, you are
Womanizer, womanizer
Womanizer

Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

You got me going
You're oh so charming
But I can't do it
You womanizer

Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

You say I'm crazy
I got you crazy
You're nothing but a
Womanizer

Maybe if
We both lived in a
Different world

It would be all good
And maybe I could be your girl
But I can't
'Cause we don't

Womanizer, woman-womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh
You're a womanizer, baby

You, you, you are
You, you, you are
Womanizer, womanizer
Womanizer

Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

You got me going
You're oh so charming
But I can't do it
You womanizer

Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

You say I'm crazy
I got you crazy
You're nothing but a
Womanizer

Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

Womanizer, woman-womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh
You're a womanizer, baby

Oh baby, baby
Oh baby, baby
Oh baby, baby
How was I supposed to know
That something wasn't right here
Oh baby baby
I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah
Show me, how you want it to be
Tell me baby
'Cause I need to know now what we've got

[CHORUS:]
My loneliness is killing me
I must confess, I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time

Oh baby, baby
The reason I breathe is you
Boy you got me blinded
Oh baby, baby
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
That's not the way I planned it
Show me, how you want it to be
Tell me baby
'Cause I need to know now what we've got

My loneliness is killing me
I must confess, I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time

Oh baby, baby
Oh baby, baby
Ah, yeah, yeah
Oh baby, baby
How was I supposed to know
Oh pretty baby
I shouldn't have let you go
I must confess, that my loneliness
Is killing me now
Don't you know I still believe
That you will be here
And give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time

My loneliness is killing me
I must confess, I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time

I must confess that my loneliness
Is killing me now
Don't you know I still believe
That you will be here
And give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time

Baby, can’t you see
I’m calling
A guy like you
Should wear a warning
It’s dangerous
I’m fallin’

There’s no escape
I can’t wait
I need a hit
Baby, give me it
You’re dangerous
I’m lovin’ it

Too high
Can’t come down
Losing my head
Spinning ‘round and ‘round
Do you feel me now

With a taste of your lips
I’m on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic
And I love what you do
Don’t you know that you’re toxic

It’s getting late
To give you up
I took a sip
From my devil's cup
Slowly
It’s taking over me

Too high
Can’t come down
It’s in the air
And it’s all around
Can you feel me now

With a taste of your lips
I’m on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic
And I love what you do
Don’t you know that you’re toxic

Don't you know that you're toxic

With a taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic

With a taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic

Intoxicate me now
With your lovin' now
I think I'm ready now
I think I'm ready now
Intoxicate me now
With your lovin' now
I think I'm ready now . . . . . okay Britney break over ! ! ! ! ! ! !)

BUT since we did not know of the oncoming storm we had no time to prepare for emergency supplies. So we had nothing and we were snowed it. And after a while of being confined forced to do something you begin to go stir crazy (sorta like writing for national novel writing month . . . . . . . . except I am willingly subjecting myself to this torture.) Eventually we started to starve. But we still did have television. So while we all were starving for food, we were not starving for Britney Spears news. And sometimes that Britney Spears news was the only thing that kept us going. Sure we were beyond starving and started to become emaciated, but the fact that we knew Britney Spears’ song Womanizer was the number one single in the country was all we needed to make us want to live for another day. We lived by Britney Spears. I do not think she will ever know how much she affected us. But then the unthinkable happened (GASP NO I THINK I KNOW WHAT’S COMING) . . . of course you do . . . . you are writing this piece of weird crap. Anywhore the worst thing that could ever happen in the whole world happened (someone got leukemia?) . . . no. (Someone was murdered in broad daylight?) . . . . no. (Bob Dylan was deemed invincible?) . . . . . . no. (Marty Beller quit drumming forever?) . . . . . no! (New Jersey turned republican?) . . . . . . . . . . NO! Why are you even asking these questions you know what will happen? (Yeah, but I wanted to add drama....*DUH DUH DUM*) What was that? (My dramatic music . . . )

But no the worst thing ever happened . . . (duh . . . duh . . . DUM ! ) THE TELEVISION WENT OUT ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! (NO ANYTHING BUT THAT PLEASE STOP TELLING SUCH AN AWFUL STORY CAN YOU PLEASE WARN ME WHEN YOU ARE ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING THIS HORRID AND EVIL . . . . . . . . . . JESUS , THIS IS THE LITERARY FORM OF PUTTING SOMEONE THROUGH THE HOLOCAUST ! ! ! ! ! ! ! SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB

! ! ! ! ! !) ENOUGH ! ! ! THAT IS ENOUGH HYSTERICAL CRYING ! ! ! ! ! NOW YOU KNOW I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE WRITING THIS SO DO NOT COMPLAIN ANYMORE ! ! ! ! NOW I AM GOING TO FINISH MY STORY WITHOUT ANY INTERRUPTIONS OR COMMENTS FROM YOU ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! D’ACCORD? (But . . . . but . . . . but . . . . but . . . . . . THE WORD COUNT ! ! ! !) Did you ever think of just writing the story and not going in such long and random tangents? Maybe if you actually wrote then you can maybe become good gosh “good” at writing. (I’m going to leave now . . . you hurt my feelings. Tell me when you are done with your whole America Canada childhood story.) Fine! Now since the television went out there was no Britney Spears news. We now had nothing to live for. Everyone in my town had given up hope of ever being rescued. Without Britney Spears coverage on television it was like taking away oxygen . . . in the same sense we could not live with out it. Sans Britney Spears news we attempted suicide. Now since my family did not have any supplies our suicide attempts were rather lackluster. Apparently running into the wall does not kill you . . . . . . . . . . it just gives you a major bump on the head. But while my suicide attempt failed other people were successful. One of my neighbors lived at the top of a hill. This was the tallest hill in the community. My neighbor . . . . . . . . . . for privacy purposes I will call this neighbor “Clay Aiken”. Clay Aiken was a huge Britney Spears fan. And I think this person might of been a bigger Britney Spears fan than me. Yeah I know I didn’t think it was possible. But Clay Aiken started gathering snow. I initially did not know what Clay Aiken was going to do with the snow. But I soon found out. Clay Aiken was crafting a killer snow ball. He planned to jump inside the snow ball and roll down the hill. Eventually Clay Aiken’s snow ball would gather enough snow that the extreme cold and pressure would crush him. Therefore, brutally killing him. Yeah I know you are all wondering “couldn’t he just of hung himself with the cord from his television set?” And honestly he could of. Why did not and choose to use the more difficult method of suicide is beyond me. And now I will never be able to ask him because his attempt, while dumb and complicated, was successful. So then the snow ball rolled from the top of the hill to the bottom of the hill. Unfortuantely my house was in the snow ball’s trajectory. So my house was picked up in the snow ball and was crushed. Fortunatley I survuved. However I was trapped in the snow ball. The snow ball rolled for what felt like days. I later found out that the snow ball rolled five hundred miles.

When I wake up yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the woman who wakes up in Canada
When I go out yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the woman who goes to Canada

If I get drunk yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the woman who gets drunk in Canada
And if I haver yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the woman who's havering to you in Canada

But I would roll five hundred miles
And I would roll five hundred more
Just to be the woman who rolled 1000 miles
To fall down in Canada

When I'm working yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the woman who's working in Canada
And when the money comes in for the work I'll do
I'll pass almost every penny on to the Canadian Government

When I come home yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the woman who comes back to Canada
And if I grow old well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the woman who's growing in Canada

But I would roll five hundred miles
And I would roll five hundred more
Just to be the man who rolled 1000 miles
To fall down in Canada

When I'm lonely yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the woman whose lonely without America
When I'm dreaming yes I know I'm gonna dream
Dream about the time when I was in America

But I would roll five hundred miles
And I would roll five hundred more
Just to be the man who rolled 1000 miles
To fall down in Canada)

Hey ! ! ! ! I told you to stop interrupting. (Sorry . . . but hey it reminded me of that song by the Proclimers) Yes but there is a time and a place for things. Rewording songs in not appropriate now. (Who said this novel was appropriate? . . . . because frankly I listed on the National Novel Writing Month website that this genre was erotic fiction.) *Slams head on desk . . . . multiple times* oh why am I not surprised by this? (Because you are me and I am you . . . . it is very deep)

BACK TO THE STORY ! ! ! ! This snow ball carried me over five hundred across the Canadian border. Now since this is not Mexico and honestly not many Americans are illegally sneaking into Canada, because who would want to be a resident of a country the rest of the world views as wusses, there were no border police. So me and Clay Aiken rolled right into Canada. Now you may be wondering whjy we just did not leave immedietly and go back to the United States where we can be seen as tough and strong and not like unneccssary Canadian wusses who worship Celine Dion. Well there are two reasons . . . one is I like Celine Dion and I thought it was great being around people who also worshiped her . . . it was sort like the whole country was this close knot Celine Dion fan community. But more importantly . . . . . . . . . . . . . . being carried by a huge snow ball over five hundred miles is not an easy recovery. Now back in the states I did not have health insurance. This is because I think ti is more important to pay the cable and bill and know what Britney Spears is up to instead of buying health insurance. Because you may only get sick around three or four times a year. But Britney Spears news . . . . . . . . . . . there is something about that crazy girl everyday. Since I was injured I needed medical attention. Guess what? (What?) CANADA HAS FREE HEALTH CARE. So I decided to stay in Canada for a while . . . . .just until I recovered.
I planned on staying until I recovered but then I met a man in the hospital. (was he a nurse . . . . . oooh a male nurse . . . . a murse . . . . no a murse is what a man purse is called. What is a good name for a male nurse?) What about just calling him a nurse? (No I need to be judgmental of someone’s profession.) Isn’t that a little mean? (Yeah.) And you are okay with being mean to people? (Yeah.) *Slams head into fist*. (Yes what is something that is respectable but defies gender expectations? . . . . hmm it has to out there! ! ! ! ! There needs to be something that is awesome but a little feminine. Sorta like the best of both worlds . . . . . . why is nothing coming to mind ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?) Did you try checking your national novel writing month profile? (No why?) You might find a clue. (Okay . . . . I am a little dubious but I will look at my national novel writing month . . . . . I do not know what could be so great but feminine - esque.) And now we wait! (Yes while I find out what on earth could be the answer enjoy a musical break.) What music? (Why of course Prince . . . . . what could be the answer?) *Slams face into fourth wall* some people cannot see the forrest through the trees!

All 7 and we'll watch them fall

They stand in the way of love

And we will smoke them all

With an intellect and a savoir-faire

No one in the whole universe

Will ever compare

I am yours now and u are mine

And together we'll love through

All space and time, so don't cry

One day all 7 will die

All 7 and we'll watch them fall

They stand in the way of love

And we will smoke them all

With an intellect and a savoir-faire

No one in the whole universe

Will ever compare

I am yours now and u are mine

And together we'll love through

All space and time, so don't cry

One day all 7 will die

And I saw an angel come down unto me

In her hand she holds the very key

Words of compassion, words of peace

And in the distance an army's marching feet (1 2 3 4 - 1 2 3 4)

But behold, we will watch them fall

And we lay down on the sand of the sea

And before us animosity will stand and decree

That we speak not of love only blasphemy

And in the distance, 6 others will curse me

But that's all right (That's all right)

4 I will watch them fall (1 2 3 4 5 6 7)

All 7 and we'll watch them fall

They stand in the way of love

And we will smoke them all

With an intellect and a savoir-faire

No one in the whole universe

Will ever compare

I am yours now and u are mine

And together we'll love through

All space and time, so don't cry

One day all 7 will die

[(Just how old)]

And we will see a plague and a river of blood

And every evil soul will surely die in spite of

Their 7 tears, but do not fear

4 in the distance, 12 souls from now

U and me will still be here - we will still be here

There will be a new city with streets of gold

The young so educated they never grow old

And a, there will be no death 4 with every breath

The voice of many colors sings a song

That's so bold

Sing it while we watch them fall

All 7 and we'll watch them fall

They stand in the way of love

And we will smoke them all

With an intellect and a savoir-faire

No one in the whole universe

Will ever compare

I am yours now and u are mine

And together we'll love through

All space and time, so don't cry

One day all 7 will die

[(Just how old)]

[(Just how old)]

[(Just how old)]

U dont have 2 be beautiful
2 turn me on
I just need your body baby
From dusk till dawn
U dont need experience
2 turn me out
U just leave it all up 2 me
Im gonna show u what its all about

U dont have 2 be rich
2 be my girl
U dont have 2 be cool
2 rule my world
Aint no particular sign Im more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your

Kiss

U got to not talk dirty, baby
If u wanna impress me
U cant be 2 flirty, mama
I know how 2 undress me (yeah)
I want 2 be your fantasy
Maybe u could be mine
U just leave it all up to me
We could have a good time

U dont have 2 be rich
2 be my girl
U dont have 2 be cool
2 rule my world
Aint no particular sign Im more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your

Kiss

Yes
I think I wanna dance
Gotta, gotta
Little girl wendys parade
Gotta, gotta, gotta

Women not girls rule my world
I said they rule my world
Act your age, mama (not your shoe size)
Not your shoe size
Maybe we could do the twirl
U dont have 2 watch dynasty
2 have an attitude
U just leave it all up 2 me
My love will be your food
Yeah

U dont have 2 be rich
2 be my girl
U dont have 2 be cool
2 rule my world
Aint no particular sign Im more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your

Kiss

I never meant 2 cause you any sorrow

I never meant 2 cause you any pain

I only wanted

wanted one time see u laughing

I only wanted 2 see u laughing in the purple rain.

Purple rain

purple rain

Purple rain

purple rain

purple rain

purple rain.

I only wanted 2 see u baby in the purple rain

I never wanted to be your weekend lover

I only wanted 2 be some kind of friend

hey.

Baby

I could never steal u from another

It's such a shame our friendship had 2 end.

Purple rain

purple rain

. . .

I only wanted 2 see u underneath the purple rain

Honey

I know

I know

I know times r changin'.

It's time we all reach out 4 somethin' new

that means u 2.

U say u want a leader

but u can't seem 2 make up your mind

I think u better close it and let me guide u 2 the purple rain.

Purple rain

purple rain

purple rain

purple rain

Whew ! If u know what I'm singin' about help me and

Come on raise your hand

purple rain

purple rain

I only want 2 see u

only want 2 see u in the purple rain.

(OH MY GOD I GET IT I KNOW THE ANSWER IT WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME ! ! ! ! ! HOW COULD I OF BEEN SO STUPID ? ? ? ? ? ? I AM LISTENING TO HIM RIGHT NOW ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS WHY OF COURSE IT WAS PRINCE ! ! ! ! ! ! ! PRINCE ! ! ! ! ! FROM NOW ON THE MALE NURSE WILL BE REFERRED TO AS PRINCE ! ! ! ! ! IN HONOR OF THIS AMAZING DISCOVERY I WILL NOW POST A PICTURE OF THE PRINCE SYMBOL ! ! ! ! ! ! And you know how a picture is worth a thousand words ! ! ! ! ! ! eh . . . . eh . . . . . eh.) No it’s not! (Be quiet I am posting a picture of the Prince symbol whether you like it or not.) *Sigh* some people never learn . . . . go right ahead. (YAY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Here it is
*

Yes this tangent was correct. In the Canadian hospital I feel in love with my male nurse. (*AHEM* Prince.) You know what? I am not even going to argue this. In the Canadian hospital I feel in love with Prince. (Huh? Another romantic interest, didn’t you cover your romantic life in last year’s novel . . . . remember Jamarcus and your daughter Jamargot that later became David Tennant? . . . . . . speaking of David Tennant . . . . . . . HE IS LEAVING DOCTOR WHO . . . . . . . . . . . . YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY

) YES I KNOW but this is my new biography ! ! ! ! I need to have a more conventional life story for what happens later in this novel. (Getting carried over the border in a giant snowball is conventional ? ) No, but the public cannot believe the story about my abuse to Jamarcus and my daughter becoming a now soon to be unfamous actor.) So in Canada I loved Prince I loved Prince more than anything.

Prince was a good partner. We wore the same clothing. Well not all the same, some of his stuff was a little too flamboyant for my personal tastes. But most of our style was similar. I will admit Prince was a much better walker in heels than I was. That man could of walk from Toronto to Vancouver in heels. In fact he even played hockey in heels he would prevent even the best from scoring. (How could he do that ?) Special high heel skates. (That sounds like an awful idea . . . . worse than high heel crocs.) Yeah, it was a pretty bad idea but Prince mastered the high heel skates. He would of made the NHL he he decided not to play professionally. (Why ?) Name one professional NHL hockey player. (UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH . . . . . . . UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM . . . . . . . . ERMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM . . . . . . I can’t) Exactly, Prince did not want to completely dedicate himself to something that would not give him fame. (And being a male nurse would give him fame? ) Yeah, maybe not but he wouldn’t have to work as hard at being a male nurse rather than days of practice trying to become a professional hockey player. (Why didn’t he just become a figure skater ? ? ? ?) Well, Prince was too good he would of outshone the ice dancers. (D’accord)
So that is my normal story. I guess I should start the Twilight version now. I wonder what my word count is up to now? (Let me check.) *Twiddles thumbs*. (There are 11,945 words so far.) How many words did you want to be up to by now? (Sixteen thousand.) How are you going to do that? (Like this : word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word

.) I am absolutely ashamed of you. (Why?) That was absolutely pathetic attempt to fill word count. I cannot believe you word resort to something like that. (So maybe I lack creativity . . . . what are you going to do about it ?) You know what? (What?)

TWILIGHT VERSION TIME ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

I originally was born in Phoenix Arizona. I loved Phoenix. In fact . . . . . I will always hold a special place in my heart for Phoenix Arizona. I believe that Phoenix Arizona is the reason I am who I am today. I could never speak bad about Phoenix . . . . or even Arizona in general. Nothing bad has ever come out of Arizona. (What about John McCain?) Okay most things that come out of Arizona are not bad. (Well what about Area Fifty - . . .. .) We are not discussing that ! ! ! ! (Why not?) Because it does not provide any relevant information. (Yeah but nothing in this novel provides any thing profound or in that case relevant.) WE ARE NOT DISCUSSING AREA 51 IN THIS NOVEL, NOR WILL WE EVER ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHY ANYONE WOULD WANT TO TALK ABOUT AREA 51. IT IS NOT LIKE THERE ARE EVEN ALIENS THERE. (Are you denying that Area 51 is not real?) YES! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AREA 51 OR ALIENS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
But one day I decided to leave Arizona. That is because I lived with my mom and her boyfriend. However, my mother loved her boyfriend more than she loved me. I wanted her to be happy so I decided to leave. If my mother was happy I was happy. So I went to live with my Dad in Forks. Now if everything good . . . . (except for John McCain) comes out of Arizona then everything awful comes out of Washington State. (Well, what about grunge music, and Starbucks?) My point exactly. In fact grunge killed dance music and I love dance music! You know the Pet Shop Boys are the fourth most successful dance music act in the United States? (whoop . . . . . . . . . whoop . . . . . . . alert the media . . . . . . . . z z z z z z z *snore* z z z z z z z z z z z .) HEY THAT IS A LITTLE SUCCESSFUL ! ! ! ! (Yeah but it could be said They Might Be Giants is a little successful.) But the Pet Shop Boys had Neil Tennant in it. (And ?) That is where David Tennant got his stage last name from. (Uh huh ?) Remember how David Tennant is my son . . . initially daughter? (Yeah.) If the Pet Shop Boys did not exist than David Tennant would not exist. (It does not matter now though because David Tennant is leaving Doctor Who . . . . . so he will become washed - up.) Yeah I never expected much from him.

But I did not like Forks. I hated the rain, the darkness, and most of all the lack of civilization. However, I did like being with my dad. You see, prior to my move I only my Dad one month out of the year. So now that I was going to live with him permanently I was pretty excited. This would either be great or an epic fail.
So I packed my bags and left Phoenix. I landed in the Seattle airport and my dad was there to pick me up. I was relieved to see that he cares about me and didn’t just leave a stranded at the airport.
I then got in my Dad’s car. My dad is names Charlie and he is the town police man. We drove from the Seattle airport and went to his house in Forks. The next day I went to the local high school. A lot of the kids there were very nice. This was a surprise to me because back in Phoenix I was a bit of an outcast.
There was this one boy that really caught my eye. His name was Edward Cullen. And boy he was so hot. (How hot was he ?) Hotter than John Barrowman and his husband Scott Gill COMBINED ! ! ! ! ! ! ! (WOW ! ! ! !) Yeah I know. (So I take it you do not care for Robert Pattinson playing Edward Cullen in the movie ? ? ?) ROBERT PATTINSON IS NOT HOT AT ALL ! ! ! IN FACT THE ONLY THING I FIND MORE REPULSING THAN ROBERT PATTTINSON IS BANJOS ! ! ! ! ! ! YUCK BANJOS WHAT A DREADFUL INSTRUMENT ! ! ! ! ! I BET ROBERT PATTINSON PLAYS THE BANJOS ! ! ! ! ! ALL YOU NEED TO MAKE A HORROR MOVIE IS ROBERT PATTINSON AND BANJOS ! ! ! !

But my version of Edward Cullen was just absolutely gorgeous. Except one day in math class he was sitting next to me. I said hi and then he ran screaming out of the room. I did not know why. I later found it it was because he was a vampire and he was super attracted to my blood. I also later found out that he could read minds. Well that is everyone except my mind.
But one day Edward Cullen wanted to take me on a car ride. I said “sure”.
To which he responded “You know, you really shouldn’t go with me I’m dangerous”.
I replied with “WELL WHY THE F&^%$@!@$%K DID YOU ASK TO GIVE ME A RIDE! ! ! ! ! EDWARD CULLEN YOU MAKE NO SENSE ! ! ! ! ! IF YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO BE UNABLE TO RESIST MY SUPER SWEET AMAZING BLOOD THEN DO NOT HANG AROUND WITH ME ! ! ! ! ! YOU DISGUST ME EDWARD CULLEN ! ! ! ! ! ! I THOUGHT YOU WERE HOT AND SEXY BUT NOW I REALIZE YOU ARE JUST WEIRD AND CLINGY ! ! ! ! ! ! GOOD LORD, MAYBE THERE AREN’T ANY OTHER MEN MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN YOU BUT UGLY FUNNY IS BETTER THAN PRETTY WEIRD ! ! ! ! EDWARD CULLEN YOU ARE PRETTY WEIRD ! ! ! ! ! IN FACT -”
I was mid sentence when Edward Cullen threw me in the car and drove. (This reminds me of you interaction with Jamarcus, maybe you are just getting a taste of your own medicine.) JAMARCUS DOES NOT EXIST AND I WAS LYING IN THE LAST NOVEL ! ! ! ! ! But his car was a red corvette. In fact it was a little red corvette.
(GASP ! ! ! ! THIS REMINDS ME ! ! ! !

I guess I should have known

by the way you parked your car sideways

That I wouldn't last. See you're the kinda person

That believes in markin' out once

love 'em and leave 'em fast.

I guess I must be dumb 'cos had a pocket full of horses

Trojan and some of them used

but it was saturday night

I guess that makes it all right

and you say

what have I got to lose".

And honey I say:

Little red corvette

baby

you're much too fast.

Little red corvette

you need a love that's gonna last.

Guess I should have closed my eyes

when you drove me to the place

Where your horses run free

'cause I felt a little ill

When I saw all the pictures of the jockeys

that were there before me.

Believe it or not I started to worry

I wondered if I had enough class.

But it was saturday night

I guess that makes it all right

And you say

baby

have you get enough gas?" oh yeah.

Little red corvette

baby

you're much too fast.

Little red corvette

you need to find a love that's gonna last. - oh no -

A body like yours ought to be in jail

'Cause it's on the verse of bein' obscene.

Move over

baby

give me the keys.

I'm gonna try to tame your little red love machine.

Little red corvette

baby

you're much to fast. . .

Little red corvette

honey I you gotta slow down.

Little red corvette

'cos if you don't you're gonna run into the ground.)

NO IT WAS NOT LIKE THE PRINCE SONG ! ! ! ! ! Besides you already had your Prince break!!!!!!
But Edward and I rode in the car. We drove over 500 miles . . . . (Cause I WOULD DRIVE 500 MILES . . . . . ) DON’T YOU DARE ! ! ! ! . . . . . .(darn it). Even though we drove 500 miles it was a pretty quick ride. (That’s what she said) I told you, it was not like the Prince the song. It was a quick ride because Edward Cullen insisted on driving 6,000 miles per hour. We over the Canadian border. I then started my life in Canada.
(Why didn’t you just go back to Forks when the ordeal was over ?) Because Edward Cullen turned out to be evil and raped me. I was then caught in an abusive relationship where Edward Cullen would beat me if I didn’t do everything he said. Yes Edward Cullen was hot but he was scary mean and abusive. Yeah fairy tales do not exist. But through that whole ordeal I am now able to speak out against domestic violence and I made that one of my platforms to speak out on for the rest of my life. (That is pretty noble) Yeah well, no woman should ever have to feel “trapped” in an abusive relationship.

THAT WAS THE TWILIGHT VERSION ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! (That was nothing like Twilight . . . . Edward Cullen turned out be a rapist ! ! !)

SINCE THIS IS THE HYPERBOLE VERSION I WILL ONLY USE CAPITALS ! ! ! ! ! YES I WAS BORN IN THE MOST DISGUSTING AWFUL WORST PLACE ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET IN FACT I THINK SATAN WOULD LOVE TO RELOCATE HELL TO THIS PLACE ! ! ! ! ! (what place would that be ?) HEY ! ! ! WHAT GIVES ? ? ? . . . . . . WHY NO CAPITALS THAT THUS EMPHASIZE THE USAGE OF HYPERBOLE ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? (meh you are using capitals I no longer feel the need to use hyperboles .) WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU DENYING HYPERBOLES ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THAT IS LIKE DENYING THAT BARACK OBAMA WILL BE THE BEST PRESIDENT THIS COUNTRY EVER HAD. IN FACT BARACK OBAMA WILL BE SO AMAZING THAT THEY WILL RE NAME WASHINGTON D. C. OBAMA D. C. IN FACT WASHINGTON STATE WILL BE RE NAMED OBAMA. AND ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE WILL BE RE NAMED THE BARACK OBAMA BRIDGE ! ! ! ! ! ! (i have been on the george washington bridge . . . . . . it is terrible . . . . . . . . the traffic never moves.) YEAH BUT BARACK OBAMA’S AMAZING POWER WILL MAKE THE NEWLY NAMED BARACK OBAMA BRIDGE THE SPEEDIEST AND THE LEAST CONGESTED BRIDGE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD . . . . . IN FACT, THE BARACK OBAMA BRIDGE WILL A MODEL FOR ALL NEW AND FUTURE BRIDGE BUILDING. (sure) NO ! ! ! ! ! NOT SURE, MOST DEFINITELY. BARACK OBAMA BABY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN YES WE CAN

(okay “clay aiken” we know you like barack obama.) I DO NOT JUST LIKE BARACK OBAMA ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I LOVER, ADORE, WORSHIP THE GROUND BARACK OBAMA WALKS ON ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I DO NOT CARE IF BARACK OBAMA SUDDENLY BECOMES A MURDER I WILL STILL SUPPORT HIM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.
BACK TO THE STORY . . . . . YES HELL ON EARTH . . . . . . . ALSO KNOWN AS CHICAGO ILLINOIS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! (hey what gives? barack obama is senator of illinois and you love him . . . . . why do you hate chicago ?) YES BUT BARACK OBAMA IS IN OBAMA D. C. NOW. HOWEVER, THE REAL REASON I HATE ILLINOIS, PARTICULARLY, CHICAGO WITH AN EXTREME PASSION IS BECAUSE THE MOST SHITEOUS . . . . . . . . . . HORRID . . . . . . . DISGUSTING . . . . . . . . . WORSE THAN ARLO GUTHRIE GREATEST HITS ALBUM . . . . . . . . DISASTROUS . . . . . AWFUL . . . . . . UNNECESSARY . . . . . . USELESS . . . . . . . OVERRATED . . . . . . . . PATHETIC . . . . STUPID . . . . . . . YUCKY . . . . . . ICKY . . . . . . GROSSES . . . . INFERIOR . . . . . CRAPPY . . . . CRUMMY . . . . . . DREADFUL . . . . INADEQUATE . . . . STINKING . . . . . . CRUDDY . . . . BLAH . . . . . . . BEASTLY . . . . . SUBSTANDARD . . . . POOR . . . . . . . . UNSATISFACTORY . . .. . . DEFECTIVE . . . . . VILE . . . . . . WICKED . . . . AND MOST OF ALL THE WORK OF PURE EVIL STYX COMES FROM CHICAGO ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

(STYX ! ! ! ! ! I HATE STYX WITH AN IMMENSE PASSION ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THE ONLY MUSICIAN WITH LESS TALENT THAN STYX IS FRANK ZAPPA ! ! ! ! ! BUT THANKFULLY HE IS DEAD ! ! ! ! ! ! HOWEVER, UNFORTUNATELY STYX IS STILL LIVING ! ! ! ! ! DOWN WITH STYX !)

HEY I THOUGHT YOU HAD SWORN OFF HYPERBOLES ! ! ! ! (oh no that was definitely not a hyperbole . . . . in fact it was more of an understatement) D’ACCORD.

CHICAGO WAS THE PLACE THAT WAS TAINTED BY THE HORRIBLENESS THAT IS STYX. I NEVER HATED A PLACE SO MUCH AS I HATED CHICAGO. OR SO I THOUGHT ! ! ! ! ! ! ! BUT THEN WINTER CAME AND SO DID THE SNOW ! ! ! ! ! ! ! AND WHEN I HYPERBOLIZE AND CLAIM THAT IS SNOWED BELIEVE ME IT SNOWED ! ! ! ! ! ! AND SNOWED AND SNOWED AND SNOWED AND SNOWED AND SNOWED AND SNOWED AND SNOWED AND SNOWED AND SNOWED AND SNOWED

IN FACT IT SNOWED SO MUCH THAT THE SNOW BANKS PILED UP SO HIGH ! ! ! ! ! IN FACT THEY PILED NEARLY A BILLION FEET TALL ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! THE SNOW WAS SO HIGH THAT IF SOMEONE HAD ENOUGH DETERMINATION, THEY COULD CLIMB UP INTO THE SKY AND GO TO HEAVEN AND CHILL WITH JESUS. (really?) WELL NO NOT REALLY, JESUS IS A PRETTY BUSY GUY. IN FACT I THINK THIS WHOLE MIRACLES AND SALVATION THING HAS GONE TO HIS HEAD. I MEAN IMAGINE OVER TWO THOUSAND YEARS OF PEOPLE WORSHIPPING YOU CONSTANTLY. I MEAN A NEW BABY BORN . . . . THANK YOU JESUS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! YOU PASS A TEST . . . . . THANK YOU JESUS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! YOU FOUND A FIVE DOLLAR BILL IN YOUR JEAN POCKET . . . . . . . . . . . . . . THANK YOU JESUS ! ! ! ! YOU FIND THAT DRESS YOU WERE LOOKING FOR . . . . . . THANK YOU JESUS ! ! ! ! ! YOUR MOTHER WHO IS DYING OF STAGE SIX TERMINAL PANCREATIC CANCER AND ALL THE SUDDEN SHE IS MIRACULOUSLY CURED AND HEALTHIER THAN EVER . . . . . THANK YOU JESUS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I MEAN EVENTUALLY YOU WILL GET AN EGO. SO JESUS, SERIOUSLY NEEDS TO EAT SOME HUMBLE PIE ! ! ! ! ! I MEAN HE IS WALKING AROUND LIKE HE IS THE SON OF GOD OR SOMETHING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! JESUS CHRIST, JESUS IS ARROGANT ! ! ! ! ! !
BUT THE SNOW WAS SO INCREDIBLY HIGH. NO ONE COULD LEAVE THEIR HOUSES. OR FOR THAT MATTER . . . . . . THE CITY. WE WERE ALL TRAPPED. AND WE WERE TRAPPED FOR YEARS. FOR YEARS ! ! ! ! ! ! IN FACT, I WAS TRAPPED BY THE SNOW IN MY HOUSE FOR 5 YEARS AND 4 MONTHS AND SEVEN DAYS EXACTLY. AND OH YOU MAY THINK “HOW COULD THE COUNTRY IGNORE SUCH A DISASTER ?” WELL MY FRIENDS, I HAVE ONE WORD FOR THAT * * * FEMA * * * ! ! ! ! ! ! YES FEMA DID NOT EVEN THINK TO SEND IN HELP UNTIL 5 YEARS OF CONSTANT SNOWING. EVEN THEN THEY WERE SO UNPRODUCTIVE IT TOOK OVER FOUR MONTHS FOR ME TO BE RESCUED.
AFTER FEMA “HELPED” ME THEY THEN LEFT ME TO FEND FOR MYSELF. NOW A LOT HAD CHANGED IN THE FIVE YEARS I WAS TRAPPED. I MEAN, FIVE YEARS AGO I HAD NO IDEA WHO HANNAH MONTANA WAS. YES, ALL THE SUDDEN I WALK INTO A DEPARTMENT STORE AND I SEE THIS HIDEOUS GIRL’S MUG PLASTERED EVERYWHERE ! ! ! ! FOR A MINUTE I THOUGHT THIS GIRL HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND WAS ON THE RUN AND THEY POSTED WANT ADS EVERYWHERE. LIKE OSAMA BIN LADEN HAD A SEX CHANGE OR SOMETHING ! ! ! ! !
BUT THEN ONCE FEMA “HELPED” ME I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL. NO SUNLIGHT FOR OVER FIVE YEARS CAN REALLY CAUSE SERIOUS HEALTH DAMAGES. I MEAN I HAD GOTTEN SCURVY, RICKETS, BUBONIC PLAGUE, AND WORST OF ALL, I STARTED TO BECOME A BOB DYLAN FAN ! ! ! ! ! (NO ! ! !) YES, I AM ASHAMED BUT THE DAY BEFORE I CHECKED INTO THE HOSPITAL I STARTED ENJOYING LISTENING TO THE SONG “TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE”. BUT THEN, I KNEW I HAD REACHED ROCK BOTTOM. I HAD TO GET HELP.
EVEN THOUGH I HAD BEEN “RESCUED” BY FEMA THE STREETS WERE STILL LINED WITH 80 FEET OF SNOW. BUT I NEEDED HELP. NO WAY WAS I ABOUT TO BECOME A BOB DYLAN FAN. SO I PUT ON A PAIR OF SNOW BOOTS AND TREKKED TO THE HOSPITAL. LUCKILY THERE WERE SHERPA AROUND THAT LAYED ROPES AND ESSENTIALLY PULLED ME TO THE HOSPITAL. ONCE I CHECKED IN I WAS HYSTERICALLY CRYING. THE NURSE ASKED WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME. I SOBBED “I AM BECOMING A BOB DYLAN FAN” ! ! ! ! ! !
“OH MY GOD ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! GET THIS GIRL TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM IMMEDIATELY”, REACTED THE NURSE.
I WAS THEN IMMEDIATELY WHEELED INTO A HOSPITAL ROOM. MY CONDITION WAS SO SERIOUS THAT THEY KICKED A PERSON WITH THE FLU OUT IN ORDER TO HAVE ROOM FOR ME. I MEAN THE FLU YOU CAN GET A SHOT FOR, BUT ONCE YOU BECOME A BOB DYLAN IT PERMANENTLY CHANGES YOUR THINKING AND THE STRUCTURE OF YOUR BRAIN FOREVER . . . . AND FOR THE WORSE.
SO FOR MY TREATMENT I NEEDED TO LISTEN TO EXTENSIVE LEONARD COHEN MUSIC. LEONARD COHEN IS SOO MUCH MORE TALENTED THAN BOB DYLAN. BOB DYLAN JUST RAMBLES OFF WORDS AND SMOKES. LEONARD COHEN RECITES RANDOM WORDS AN SMOKES. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE ! ! ! ! ! ! IN FACT THERE WAS ONE SONG THAT I REMEMBER MORE THAN OTHERS. IT WAS CALLED “THE FUTURE” AND I REALLY DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT WAS ABOUT. BUT I DO KNOW THAT I LIKED IT AND I CAN STILL RECITE THE WHOLE THING TO THIS DAY. (no you cannot.) YES I CAN ! ! ! ! (well then do it.) FINE ! ! ! ! !
Give me back my broken night
my mirrored room, my secret life
it's lonely here,
there's no one left to torture
Give me absolute control
over every living soul
And lie beside me, baby,
that's an order!

Give me crack and anal sex
Take the only tree that's left
stuff it up the hole
in your culture
Give me back the Berlin wall
give me Stalin and St Paul
I've seen the future, brother:
it is murder.

Things are going to slide, slide in all directions
Won't be nothing
Nothing you can measure anymore
The blizzard, the blizzard of the world
has crossed the threshold
and it has overturned
the order of the soul
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant.

You don't know me from the wind
you never will, you never did
I was the little jew
who wrote the Bible
I've seen the nations rise and fall
I've heard their stories, heard them all
but love's the only engine of survival
Your servant here, he has been told
to say it clear, to say it cold:
It's over, it ain't going
any further
And now the wheels of heaven stop
you feel the devil's RIDING crop
Get ready for the future:
it is murder.

Things are going to slide ...

There'll be the breaking of the ancient
western code
Your private life will suddenly explode
There'll be phantoms
There'll be fires on the road
and a white man dancing
You'll see a woman
hanging upside down
her features covered by her fallen gown
and all the lousy little poets
coming round
tryin' to sound like Charlie Manson
and the white man dancin'.

Give me back the Berlin wall
Give me Stalin and St Paul
Give me Christ
or give me Hiroshima
Destroy another fetus now
We don't like children anyhow
I've seen the future, baby:
it is murder.

Things are going to slide ...

When they said REPENT REPENT ...

SEE ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! (i stand corrected.) YEAH YOU BETTER STAND CORRECTED. HOW DARE YOU DOUBT ME ! ! ! ! I KNOW EVERYTHING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! AND I MOST DEFINITELY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT LEONARD COHEN ! ! ! ! !
BUT AFTER ONE WEEK OF THE LEONARD COHEN TREATMENT I REALIZED HOW AWFUL BOB DYLAN AND HOW BAD HE IS. I MEAN, HE IS BETTER THAN BANJOS BUT NOT MUCH ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
HOWEVER, IN THE HOSPITAL I MET AN FELL IN LOVE WITH A MALE NURSE. NOW WHEN I SAW THIS NURSE WAS HOT, BELIEVE ME HE WAS GORGEOUS. HE WAS HOTTER THAN A GREEK GOD. I MEAN, HE WAS GENETICALLY PERFECT IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD. SIGH I AM JUST WEAK IN THE KNEES THINKING ABOUT HIM.
SO I DECIDED TO MAKE CONVERSATION WITH HIM. AND TO MY SURPRISED HE LIKED ME AS WELL. IT TURNS OUT HE HATED BANJOS TOO. SO THIS GENTLEMAN AND I BECAME ROMANTICALLY LINKED.
THINGS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP WERE GOING WELL IN FACT SUPER DUPER AMAZING SO AMAZING THAT IF WE COULD BOTTLE IT, THIS WOULD BE CALLED HAPPINESS. EXCEPT ONE DAY THIS MAN CAME IN HYSTERICALLY CRYING. I ASKED HIM WHAT WAS WRONG. HE THEN GOT ON THE FLOOR IN THE FETAL POSITION AND CONFESSED EVERYTHING TO ME.
HE APPARENTLY WAS FROM CANADA AND THEY WERE GOING TO DEPORT HIM. HE TRIED TO MURDER EVERYONE THAT WORKED FOR WWW.BANJO.COM. AT THAT INSTANT I KNEW HE WAS MY SOUL MATE AND DECIDED TO FOLLOW HIM TO CANADA. AND THAT IS HOW I BEGAN MY LIFE IN THE DISGUSTING, SHIT HOLE, BUT SUPER ROMANTIC CANADA.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
But my life in Canada was pretty positive from then on. In fact it was pretty amazing from then on. So great that I began to feel guilty. How come I was so lucky in life and there was people in the world experiencing immense suffering. So I decided to become involved in community service. (Oh, that is really wonderful ! ! ! !) I know, i felt it was my mission to help the world. And there was one issue I felt the most passionate about. (World hunger ?) No. (Genocide ?) No. (Child abuse ?) No. (Then what was your issue ?) GETTING RID OF ALL THE BANJOS IN THE WORLD ! ! ! ! ! ! ( *slaps head* yet I completely agree) So I decided I needed to make this issue grass roots. I wanted to print out fliers that said BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! BANJOS SUCK AND THEY ARE THE WORST INSTRUMENTS EVER! 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However, printing something that long on an eight by ten piece of paper would of meant that the type would of been extremely small and no one would be able to read my issue. So my new slogan was “Burn them Banjos”. I typed up and designed my flier and went to Kinkos.
The clerk asked how many copies I wanted and I said “Sixteen thousand”. And he replied “Okay that will be eight thousand dollars”.
Damn ! I had only brought a twenty. So I needed to find a fund raiser in order for me to print out and thus spread my message. I had no idea what to do. I mean I had never really had a talent I could bank on. So I needed to find a talent that was easy and could get a lot of money for.
Then, like a burst of rainbows in the mind it came to me . . . . . . . I could start a musical tribute act. I thought and thought and about what musician's music I could pay tribute too. Then I thought of it ! ! ! ! Of course Arlo Guthrie! ! ! ! ! I mean who doesn’t love “Alice’s Restaurant.” So I now I needed to go to the best costume shops and try to find an outfit that looked like Arlo Guthrie.
So I was out on my quest for an Arlo Guthrie outfit. I needed to first refresh myself with what Arlo Guthrie looked like. So on on Google I went. Yes I found a picture of him. I needed to get gray hair, a beard, and a Hawaiian shirt. Oh yeah, maybe I should learn to play the guitar or something. Or not I mean the last thing I would need to know to become a musician is music.

But since I learned the good parts of Alice’s Restaurant I went to the costume shop.
I told the clerk that I needed an Arlo Guthrie costume. I do not know what was wrong with this clerk because for some reason she had no idea who Arlo Guthrie is. I ran out in hysteria. She must of been a terrorist or something. I MEAN SHE DID nOT KNOW WHO ARLO GUTHRIE WAS ! ! ! ! ! !
So I went to the next costume shop and asked the clerk for an Arlo Guthrie costume. Now this clerk was better, but only slightly. He was only aware of Arlo Guthrie’s super dead and less talented father Woody Guthrie. So I left that costume shop.
“Where the hell are the Arlo Guthrie costumes ! ! ! ! ! ! ? ? ? ?” I asked myself.
So this third costume shop was either going to result in third times the charm, or possibly three strikes you’re out. So I went in to the shop and asked the clerk if he had an Arlo Guthrie costume. He said “Why of course we do”. Except, then I saw it on his belt loop . . . . . . the key chain. IT WAS A BANJO KEY CHAIN ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! So I ran as fast as I could out of the store and decided to make the costume myself. I WOULD NEVER BUY SOMETHING FROM SOMEONE THAT OWNS ANYTHING BANJO RELATED ! ! ! ! So I went to Target and bought the supplies myself.
I was ready, I had my outfit and I memorized part of Alice’s Restaurant. Now time to market myself to the world ! ! ! ! ! So I had to make myself known, I went to Kinkos and asked for 16,000 copies of my poster. My poster said “COME SEE ARLO GUTHRIE ! ! ! *WELL NOT REALLY BUT THE NEXT BEST THING* AVAILABLE FOR WEDDINGS, BIRTHDAY PARTIES, BAR MITZVAHS, SENIOR HOMES, AND FUNERALS” (Funerals ?) Yeah, who would not want to mourn the loss of his or her loved one with an Arlo Guthrie imitation. (Umm . . . . . . . . . how about EVERYBODY ! ! ! ! ! ! !) Well speak for yourself but I believe Arlo Guthrie can be helpful in a time of loss and sorrow.
So I got my 16,000 copies from Kinko’s. (WAIT ! ! ! ! If you could not afford the anti banjo posters before how could afford these Arlo Guthrie posters ? ? ? ) Easy, I had all my money invested in mandolin production. You know, when the economy is down . . . . invest in mandolins. MANDOLINS ROCK !

Yes I cashed out my mandolin stock and bought fliers promoting my Arlo Guthrie performing. (If you could afford the Arlo Guthrie posters . . . . . HOW COME YOU DID NOT JUST BUY THE ANTI - BANJO POSTERS ? ? ? ? ? ) You know what I am not a financial expert okay ! ! ! ! Sometime I make mistakes and cannot see the forrest through the trees. (Whatever.) So I posted my fliers all around town promoting myself. I also started doing open mic nights at clubs. I even managed to book a theater that I had never heard of before but seemed rather interesting. It had a greek sounding names. I was going to perform on “Amateur Night”. (Umm . . . . ) Let me finish, yes I was comfortable performing as an amateur because I recognized the fact that I needed to get my name out no matter how. So I perfected my Arlo Guthrie routine and arrived at the theater. The theater was not in the best neighborhood. It was in Harlem New York. The theater however was beautiful. I mean when I first entered I saw a picture of Ella Fitzgerald. And I thought to myself “Wow whoever owns this theater has great taste in music”. So I entered backstage and went into the dressing room and prepared my make up. I was extremely nervous. I mean this performance could determine whether or not banjos are destroyed or not I knew I had to deliver. However, I became increasingly concerned when I saw the acts go out before me. There were numerous rappers and rhythm and blues singers. But I did not see or hear any famous folk impersonations. I started to think this may not be the best audience. But then I told myself “Who does not like Arlo Guthrie ? ? ? “
So they called my name and I walked through the long hallway to the stage. I was so nervous. More nervous than I had ever been in my whole entire life. I then got on stage and recited my Arlo Guthrie routine. Well I was planning for it to go like this . . . . . . verbatim : Hello people, my name is Arlo Guthrie and I have quite a story to tell you it is called Alice’s Restaurant and it goes like this
This song is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the
restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,
that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Alice's
Restaurant.

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on
Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the
restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the
church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and
Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of
room downstairs where the pews used to be in. Havin' all that room,
seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't
have to take out their garbage for a long time.

We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be
a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump. So
we took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW
microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed
on toward the city dump.

Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the
dump saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving." And we had never heard of a dump
closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off
into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.

We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the
side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the
cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile
is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we
decided to throw our's down.

That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a thanksgiving
dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the
next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie. He said, "Kid,
we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of
garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And
I said, "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope
under that garbage."

After speaking to Obie for about forty-five minutes on the telephone we
finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down
and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the
police officer's station. So we got in the red VW microbus with the
shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the
police officer's station.

Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at
the police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for
being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and
we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out
and told us never to be see driving garbage around the vicinity again,
which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station
there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was
both immediately arrested. Handcuffed. And I said "Obie, I don't think I
can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on." He said, "Shut up, kid.
Get in the back of the patrol car."

And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the
quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about the town of
Stock bridge, Massachusetts, where this happened here, they got three stop
signs, two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the
Scene of the Crime there was five police officers and three police cars,
being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to
get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of
cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officer's station.
They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and
they took twenty seven eight-by-ten color glossy photographs with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each
one was to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach,
the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to
mention the aerial photography.

After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Obie said he was going to put
us in the cell. Said, "Kid, I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your
wallet and your belt." And I said, "Obie, I can understand you wanting my
wallet so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you
want my belt for?" And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings." I
said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?"
Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was, cause he took out the
toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took
out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars roll out the - roll the
toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie
was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice
(remember Alice? It's a song about Alice), Alice came by and with a few
nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back
to the church, had a another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat,
and didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court.

We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten
color glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back
of each one, sat down. Man came in said, "All rise." We all stood up,
and Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten color glossy
pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he
sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the
twenty seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with circles and arrows
and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog.
And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry,
'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American
blind justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and the
judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten color glossy
pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each
one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And
we was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but thats not
what I came to tell you about.

Came to talk about the draft.

They got a building down New York City, it's called Whitehall Street,
where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected,
neglected and selected. I went down to get my physical examination one
day, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so
I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning. `Cause I wanted to
look like the all-American kid from New York City, man I wanted, I wanted
to feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all American kid from New York,
and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all
kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I waked in and sat down and they gave
me a piece of paper, said, "Kid, see the psychiatrist, room 604."

And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I
wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and
guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,
KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and
he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down
yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the sergeant came over, pinned a medal on me,
sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."

Didn't feel too good about it.

Proceeded on down the hall gettin more injections, inspections,
detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me
at the thing there, and I was there for two hours, three hours, four
hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean nasty
ugly things and I was just having a tough time there, and they was
inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no
part untouched. Proceeded through, and when I finally came to the see the
last man, I walked in, walked in sat down after a whole big thing there,
and I walked up and said, "What do you want?" He said, "Kid, we only got
one question. Have you ever been arrested?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Alice's Restaurant Massacre,
with full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and all
the phenome... - and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did you ever
go to court?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten
color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on
the back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want
you to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W .... NOW kid!!"

And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's
where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after
committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly
looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father
rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And
they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the
bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest
father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly
'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me
and said, "Kid, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay
$50 and pick up the garbage." He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?"
And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench
there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I
said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand,
and we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,
father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the
bench. And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of
things, until the Sergeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it
up and said.

"Kids, this-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-
know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-
you-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-arresting-
officer's-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say", and talked for
forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had
fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench there,
and I filled out the massacre with the four part harmony, and wrote it
down there, just like it was, and everything was fine and I put down the
pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the
other side, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on
the other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated, read the
following words:

("KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")

I went over to the sergeant, said, "Sergeant, you got a lot a damn gall to
ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I mean that just, I'm
sittin' here on the bench, I mean I'm sittin here on the Group W bench
'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough join the army, burn women,
kids, houses and villages after bein' a litterbug." He looked at me and
said, "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send you fingerprints
off to Washington."

And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a
study in black and white of my fingerprints. And the only reason I'm
singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar
situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a
situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into
the shrink wherever you are ,just walk in say "Shrink, You can get
anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.". And walk out. You know, if
one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and
they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony,
they may think they're both faggots and they won't take either of them.
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in
singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an
organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said
fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and
walking out. And friends they may thinks it's a movement.

And that's what it is , the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and
all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come's around on the
guitar.

With feeling. So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and
sing it when it does. Here it comes.

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

That was horrible. If you want to end war and stuff you got to sing loud.
I've been singing this song now for twenty five minutes. I could sing it
for another twenty five minutes. I'm not proud... or tired.

So we'll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part
harmony and feeling.

We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doing.

All right now.

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Excepting Alice
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

Da da da da da da da dum
At Alice's Restaurant ! ! ! ! !
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YOU ARE A GREAT AUDIENCE AND REMEMBER ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT BANJO PLAYING ! ! ! ! ! ! !
However, that is not how it went. I got to the first line of Alice’s Restaurant and then a man with a cane came out tap dancing and pulled me off stage while the crowd booed. I was so humiliated ! ! ! ! (YOU PERFORMED AT THE APOLLO THEATER, A LEGENDARY STAGE FOR AFRICAN - AMERICAN PERFORMERS ! ! ! ! ! ARLO GUTHRIE WOULD MOST LIKELY NOT BE POPULAR THERE ! ! ! ! ! THAT MAN WAS SANDMAN SIMS AND HE IS THE EXECUTIONER . . . . . BASICALLY HE TAKES THE PEOPLE OFF THE STAGE IF THE AUDIENCE DOES NOT RESPOND POSITIVELY TO THEM ! ! ! ! ! YOU REALLY DID NOT LOOK INTO THIS IDEA DID YOU ? ? ? ? ? ? ) I was getting to that ! ! ! ! Anywhore I later found out that I had performed at the Apollo Theater and it was not really an Arlo Guthrie crowd. But I knew I had to raise money for the banjos or more like the getting rid of banjos. So I had to use my connections. I called my boyfriend Prince and asked him to come down from Canada. Always a good lover, he jumped in his little red corvette and was in the Apollo Theater in twenty minutes. (How did he drive from Canada to Harlem in twenty minutes ? ? ? ? ? ) You know that is not important to the plot is it ? ? ?? No the most important part was that Prince showed up ! ! ! ! ! So I then managed to save the performance by saying “Ha ha I was just kidding . . . . I am not really the performer I am just a decoy ladies and gentlemen I would like to present to you Prince ! ! ! ! ! !
And then the crowd just went wild. I mean Prince was performing for them ! ! ! ! Prince the LEGEND ! ! ! ! ! ! ! (So your performance was saved right ?) Unfortunately not. (Why ? ? ?) Well, Prince is a greedy son of a gun and he took all of the profits that night ! ! ! ! (That is greedy, but then again Prince was paid 5 million dollars to perform at this year’s Coachella .) True . . . . . . . . . Prince, while amazingly awesome and talented . . . . . thinks too highly of himself. So I was at square one, I had my Arlo Guthrie schtick and no money to print anti - banjo fliers. (So what did you do ?) Well I . . . . (Side Note : I read of Perez Hilton today that the South Park creators are planning to write a Broadway musical about mormons ! ! ! ! ) Really ? (Yeah ! ! ! ) Well, that sounds like it would be extremely funny . . . . the South Park guys often have very bawdy and clever ideas. (Yeah . . . . except one thing ruins it .) What ? ? ? (Xanadu star Cheyenne Jackson is in it .) Oh . . . . . hmmm . . . . well . . . . . . . I mean . . . . . It could be good . . . . . . . you know . . . . . . . . . . . . if Cheyenne Jackson’s part isn’t that big. (Yeah, but even if he is just in the ensemble his annoying ego will definitely be known .) Yeah, you are right. (CHEYENNE JACKSON IS AN EGOTISTICAL JERK AND A MAJOR DOUCHE BAG AND HE IS NOT EVEN THAT GOOD LOOKING. I MEAN I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT WHEN THEY SAY HE IS HOT OR GORGEOUS . . . . . . FIRST OF ALL HIS FACE LOOKS LIKE HE SMELLED SOMETHING BAD AND HE HAS EYES THAT ARE TOO CLOSE TOGETHER . . . . WELL NOT AS CLOSE AS JOHN DARNIELLE BUT PRETTY CLOSE . . . . . . . . AND WHAT KIND OF F - ED UP NAME IS CHEYENNE ? THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PORN NAME . . . . . FOR A GIRL. IF I EVER HAVE SUCH LOW SELF - ESTEEM AND DO PORN MY PORN NAME WILL BE CHEYENNE JACKSON. JUST KIDDING I WOULD NOT WANT TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH SOMETHING THAT OVERRATED. I SAW HIM IN XANADU AND HE WAS JUST DECENT. HIS PART WAS DEFINITELY NOT DEPENDENT ON HIS TALENT. I EVEN SAW AN INTERVIEW OF HIM ON YOU TUBE AND HE SEEMS LIKE HE IS REALLY DUMB AND WOULD NOT APPRECIATE HUMOR. HE IS DEFINITELY SOMEONE I DO NOT LOVE OR WORSHIP. BECAUSE LOOK JOHN BARROWMAN IS EGOTISTICAL BUT AT LEAST HE IS CHARMING AND HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR. GRANTED . . . . . IN HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY THAT WAS SOMEHOW WRITTEN BY HIS SISTER HIS HUMOR IS OFTEN ABOUT ANECDOTES WITH HIM AND POOP. BUT AT LEAST HE HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR. YOU KNOW, THAT IS WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS . . . A FRICKIN SENSE OF HUMOR. I MEAN SO MANY PEOPLE TAKE THINGS WAY TOO SERIOUSLY. SOMETIMES I AM JUST LIKE “LIGHTEN UP PEOPLE”. I HAD A VIDEO OF RUFUS WAINWRIGHT BEING A DRUNKEN MESS AT THE GLAAD AWARDS AND I ANNOTATED IT. I WAS KIDDING WITH EVERYTHING I SAID. HOWEVER . . . ALL OF THE VIEWERS DID NOT GET THE HUMOR AND WERE OVERLY OFFENDED. I HATE PEOPLE WHO CANNOT TAKE A JOKE. AND CHEYENNE JACKSON SEEMS LIKE THAT TYPE. YEAH . . . CHEYENNE JACKSON WAS THE PROBABLY THE OVERLY SERIOUS DOUCHE BAG DRAMA KID IN HIGH SCHOOL. II IS PROBABLY TRUE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT HE IS AND ACTS LIKE NOW. I MEAN I WAS WAITING IN LINE BEFORE XANADU AND I SAW ONE OF THE CAST MATES, ANDRÉ WARD, ENTER AND I DID NOT KNOW WHO HE WAS BUT SOME PEOPLE DID AND ASKED IF THEY COULD TAKE PICTURES WITH HIM AND HE DID AND HE WAS SUPER NICE ABOUT IT HE POSED FOR THE PICTURE WITH THE FANS AND HE WAS SMILING AND HAPPY THROUGHOUT OUT. AND TO TOP IT OFF ANDRÉ BENJAMIN WAS AMAZING IN THE PLAY HE WAS SUPER CUTE AND I LOVE HIS HORSE OUTFIT. THE SECOND BIGGEST DOUCHE IN THE PLAY WAS TONY ROBERTS. I DID NOT KNOW WHO HE WAS BUT OTHER PEOPLE DID AND THEY WENT UP TO HIM AND ASKED FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH AND HE RELUCTANTLY GAVE IT TO THEM. I THEN SAID “WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE PLAY ?” AND THAT JERK JUST SCOFFED AT ME AND WENT INSIDE. BUT CHEYENNE JACKSON WAS DEFINITELY TO BIGGEST ASSHOLE. I SAW HIM ENTERING AND PEOPLE ASKED FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH AND A PICTURE AND HE WAS JUST LIKE “AFTER THE SHOW PEOPLE” AND HE HURRIEDLY WENT INSIDE. WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO DO. SERIOUSLY, BE NICE TO YOUR FANS. YOUR SUCCESS IS DEPENDENT ON THEM. IF PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE YOU OR YOUR PERFORMANCE THEN YOU DO NOT HAVE A JOB. CHEYENNE JACKSON IS A MAJOR DOUCHE BAG !)

Okay I think I need to stop you before you hurt yourself. (But I’m not done yet ! ) I know, I know. How about this . . . . I am will tell my story from where I left off but now I will add a section in which I encounter Cheyenne Jackson and you can get literary revenge on that douche bag okay. (Fine .) Now do not pout . . . .trust me you will like it and feel in a sense vindicated. (Okay.) You know, you are just upset because you could not give Cheyenne Jackson the “Crazy Girl Hug Experience” . . . but trust me you can save your hugs for better, smarter, and funnier people. (I guess so .) So there we have concluded that in some point in the rest of this novel Cheyenne Jackson needs to be incorporated and somehow die. (No I do not want him to die . . . . I would rather him be upset and disappointed for the rest his life . . . I want him to feel not worthy . . . I can just imagine wiping that creepy smirk off his overly made up face ! ) Okay so Cheyenne Jackson will not die, but rather experience immense pain and suffering. (Exactly .)

Any whore (back to Cheyenne Jackson hating . . . . . on the today show Kathie Lee Gifford teased Cheyenne Douchebagson about being late and then Cheyenne JERKson mouthed the words bitch ! ! ! ! ! GOD I HATE CHEYENNE JACKSON ! ! ! !
CHEYENNE JACKSON IS A JERK !

Okay this has to stop . . . . . you are going to drive yourself mad with Cheyenne Jackson hate ! ! ! ! (What ? ? ? ? Me crazy ? ? ? ? *twitches* MARAHHAA NO ! ! ! ! ! I AM NOT CRAZY MERREIUMNASKI *TWITCHES MORE* AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH ! ! ! ! ! ) Uh huh. So I decided that I needed to really find a way to market my Arlo Guthrie routine but in the mean time I needed to get a job and I decided to look for a job. Now this job had to be only temporary . . . . only to support me until this Arlo Guthrie routine paid off. So I needed something that would me fired pretty quickly. I could not actually like the job and stick around that would be crazy ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
So I needed something that is currently laying off a lot of people. Of course . . . . . . I WOULD WORK FOR A MAGAZINE ! ! ! ! So I thought about what magazine would be the most fun to work for. I thought about working for the national enquirer but I figured that would ruin my credentials when I went on my anti banjo campaign. So I needed something salacious but somewhat respectable. OF COURSE I WOULD WORK FOR PEOPLE MAGAZINE. So when I arrived at people magazine they were forming their “Sexiest Man Alive” issue. I had to get coffee for the photographers. Hey . . . it is a living.
The first couple days of shooting went rather well. I got to meet some pretty cool celebrities. I met Matt Damon and Hugh Laurie. To be honest I was giddy girl when I met Hugh Laurie . . . . he is just so charming and gentlemanly. The photographer was like “get me my coffee intern ! ! ! NOW ! ! !” and I was like “ * giggle giggle * Sure ! ! ! !”
Then, one day I had to be on set with Kevin Jonas. ( KEVIN JONAS SEXIEST MAN ALIVE ? ? ? ? WHAAAAAT The HELL ? ? ? ? ) Yeah I know . . . . I did not get it either . . . . . but I figured that since this is the same magazine that once made John Linnell one of the most beautiful people . . . . . . . People Magazine may have slightly different standards of attractiveness. But I was talking to Kevin Jonas about various things. Actually most of the conversation was about him . . . . . for the record Kevin Jonas is a pretty arrogant man. But overall he managed to make polite conversation. I even made for some pretty amazing awkward moments. Such as the time I told him he looked a little like Rufus Wainwright. Actually that made him cry. But then again if someone told me I looked a pathetic talentless gay french canadian meth addicted arrogant jerk I might cry too. Anywhore I was able to tell him about my other career venture. He was oddly interested. In turns out his parents are big folk music lovers and he was a huge Arlo Guthrie fan. (And by huge we mean ONLY Arlo Guthrie fan ! ! ! ! ! ) Yeah, but that is still more fans than They Might Be Giants has. Kevin Jonas even asked me to go on tour with him. I questioned him why he wanted to bring me. I mean, he had not even heard me play. He then explained that they were planning on taking Girls Aloud on tour with them. However in rehearsals they realized that Girls Aloud’s music is better and more amazing than the Jonas Brothers’ music. And you know, you cannot take an opening that is better than you on tour with you. ( Wow when Girls Aloud makes more credible music than you do . . . . you know you must be absolute crap. ) Hey I never told Kevin Jonas I was a fan. So I was honored that I would go on tour with the Jonas Brothers. However, I was forced to decline. I was nervous that I might alienate the Jonas Brothers fans that play banjos. But, I still had some desire to take Kevin Jonas up on that offer. He actually was very nice about and said “Well that is fine, but if you change your mind here is my manager’s phone number”.
I was plenty content working a People on the “Sexiest Men” issue. That is until we had to shoot the sexiest man alive. It started normal just an every other day. I got coffee for the photographer. But then there he was . . . . . THE ENEMY ! ! ! THAT HORRIBLE DISGUSTING AUSTRALIAN SCIENTOLOGIST HUGH JACKMAN ! ! ! ! ! He was on to me . . . . he came up to me and tried to sabotage my beliefs by putting out his hand and saying “hi”. BUT I AM SMARTER THAN THAT. I immediately replied with AHH GET AWAY FROM ME HUGH JACKMAN . . . . . . YOU ARE A HORRIBLE AUSTRALIAN SCIENTOLOGIST GRR ! ! ! !

I then threw a fit and destroyed the People Magazine set. Needless to say, I immediately called Kevin Jonas and took him up on his opening act offer.
So within twenty four hours I was already planning to go in to the rehearsal studios with the Jonas Brothers. Wow . . . . sometimes things happen fast. (Yeah especially when you only have about 2,500 words to write. )
So rehearsals went to plan. I performed the opening concert. I was only the opening act so I only performed for about eighteen minutes. Or Alice’s Restaurant. Or technically one song . . . . well if you consider Alice’s Restaurant a song.
During the tour i had a lot of time to talk to the Jonas Brothers. I kind of wished I was a twelve year old girl when I talked to them to I could feel the giddy excitedness that they feel. I mean I think they are “cute” but I do not find them hot and they do not have the legs for the skinny jeans they wear. Oh well . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . of all the Jonas Brothers, I grew the closest to Kevin. He and I just really hit it off. I mean we both loved Judy Garland, Girls Aloud, Kylie Minogue, and drag queens. Now I did not find this behavior strange for a twenty one year old straight man. I mean I wish more guys were secure in their sexuality enough to admit that they like watching Sex And The City re runs. I mean that show is very entertaining. Anywhore . . . . . Kevin and I became best friends on the road. I mean we told each other all of our secrets. I can recall one night how I told him how I feel inadequate in the world and that being on tour with all of the Jonas fans did not really help me. I mean, when everyone is screaming for someone else . . . . . . . . . . it can cause some self doubt. But Kevin was very nice about it. He told me how he used to be the opening act for Hannah Montana. ( Wait I thought it was Miley Cyrus .) Yeah . . . . . . she is bi polar. Sometimes she wants to be Hannah Montana and some times she wants to be Miley Cyrus. (Either way . . . she is still an ugly girl. ) Yeah I know. (I mean if you are going to paste a girl’s picture everywhere couldn’t you at least make her pretty ?) Ummm . . . . . haven’t we had this conversation before ? (Oh yeah we have . . . . oh well it bears repeating .) Yeah . . . . but Kevin told me about how Miley / Hannah / Ugly was an absolute narcissistic bitch. I then questioned Kevin about why his younger brother Nick dated that ugly hag. He told me that sometimes people latch on to someone more famous in order to help his or her career. I mean wow I would never do anything like that. (Ummm ! ! ! ! ! PRINCE . . . . . . . MAYBE ? ? ? ? ? ) Oh yeah . . . . . but that was different . . . . somehow. (Sure .)
However my relationship with Kevin Jonas was purely a friendship. I never felt anything romantic when I was talking to him. That was nice you know . . . . . I had a friend who can speak to me from a male point of view. It was nice when I had questions about relationships or dating. Kevin Jonas saved me quite a lot of money in therapy bills. (YAY KEVIN JONAS FOUND A USE IN LIFE ! ! ! ! ) Yeah, true. Speaking of . . . I asked Kevin why he did not sing. He told me that he wanted to be the main singer of the band. He even had a pretty decent singing voice. I mean he would never win American Idol . . . . but you know he could be a pop star. His voice is better than both of his siblings. However . . . . . . he was afraid that if he was the lead singer . . . . the paparazzi would invest too much interest in him. Yes my friends . . . . . Kevin Jonas had a secret . . . . a big . . . although not completely surprising one. It turns out that Kevin Jonas was gay. (Oh big shocker there !) Yeah I know not the surprise of the century . . . but still it was something that could hurt a career that was largely supported by Disney. (Ah . . . that is why John Linnell is not out of the closet . . . and why he hides his massive drinking problem. ) Sure . . . you know all of this false accusation will somehow get you in massive trouble some day. (Yeah . . . but it is so worth it !)
Now Kevin’s secret was something I would never tell to anyone in the whole world. (And so you are putting it in the novel ? ? ? ? ? ) Well, I am pretty sure no one will read this. But even if someone manages to stumble across this poorly written novel . . . . they need to read this part. (If this is the most important part . . . . then why didn’t you place it in the beginning of this tale . . . . . you know . . . . before the Canada story, the banjo hate, and the Arlo Guthrie routine ? ? ? ? ? ) Well, it’s your fault . . . . . you are the one writing this.
I was somewhat surprised by Kevin’s secret. I mean just last week I saw a picture of him kissing a girl. He told me that the girl was just a decoy . . . . you know something to fool the public.
Kevin also told me another secret. He had a boyfriend. I was the only person he told. He did not want to tell his family because he was afraid that they would shun him. You see, his family is very big on christian values and followed a church that did not support the idea that being gay is a choice. Since I was a massive Judy Garland fan . . . . he figured he would tell me about his boyfriend first. He did not tell me his name . . . . . he just said that he was also a performer. Except he was not connected to any children’s brand. No . . . . in fact he was a Broadway star. So he was out. Except he never talked about his boyfriend because his boyfriend was Kevin Jonas.
Kevin asked me if I wanted me to meet his boyfriend. I said yes . . . . . . . . being a lover of Broadway I was intrigued. I wanted to know who Kevin was dating. But I will have to explain that in just a bit.
You see, since I was on tour with the Jonas Brothers I had made merchandise to sell before the concert. I figured someone had to buy it. I mean this is America . . . the place where you can sell pet rocks. ( Hey Pet Rocks are talented . . . . . they can sit . . . stay . . . . play dead .) Exactly . . . . there had to be someone stupid enough to buy my shirts. However I wanted to get clever with my shirts. I had jokes and puns printed on them. Some jokes were like “What do you call something that goes ha . . . . ha . . . ha . . . . . . Clunk . . . . . SOMEONE LAUGHING THEIR HEAD OFF ! ! ! ! !” And I had puns such as “A pencil could have an eraser at each end but would would be the point” . . . and “A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is a period because that’s what ends his sentence”. But here is the real kicker . . . I claimed that all proceeds of the shirt sales would go to charity. What charity you ask . . . . (no not really .) Why of course the ABC ! ! ! ! ! (I am to afraid ask . . . . but what does ABC stand ? ? ? ? ) The Anti - Banjo Charity. (Oh boy .) Yeah so I was raising money for my real issue with the shirt sales. But the fans did not know this but I did not care. Soon . . . there would no banjos in the world. Then my mission would be complete ! ! ! ! ! MWAHH HAA HAA . . . . MWAHH HAA HAA . . . . . MWAHH HA HA . . . MWAHHH *couch couch* . . . sorry I choked on my breath mint.
So Kevin Jonas wanted to introduce me to his boyfriend. We were to meet i Kevin’s hotel room. I waited for a bit and then he entered. He was tall and had the biggest forehead ever ! ! ! ! (Tyra ? ? ? ? ) No . . . . I wish. No this boyfriend was worse . . . . much worse. (Who was it ? ? ? ) It unfortunately was Cheyenne Jackson ! ! ! ! (CHEYENNE JACKSON AHHHH NOOO * body begins to fill with rage * I HATE HIM GRR .) WE KNOW YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT CHEYENNE JACKSON ! ! ! ! And frankly I have the same hatred for him. I didn’t trust him from the instant I met him. But Kevin seemed extremely head over heels in love. I did muster up enough politeness to shake his hand and hello. We then proceed to get into small talk. Well my talk was small . . . frankly he could not shut up. I mean I had never met a man so egotistical in my whole entire life. I was so disappointed in Kevin. I mean he was a nice boy . . . not an exceptionally good looking one . . . . . but a nice one nonetheless . . . he could do so much better. Well actually, he was better looking than Cheyenne Jackson. I do not care what people say about him . . . he is seriously not hot. I mean if Kevin dated John Barrowman then I would been immensely jealous. Frankly I would of devised a plan to turn Barrowman straight and steal him from Kevin. But Kevin made his choice of Cheyenne Jackson.
After Cheyenne left, Kevin asked me what I thought of him. I wanted to just scream out “HE IS HORRIBLE DO NOT EVER GO NEAR HIM ! ! ! ! !” But I did not want to do anything that would get me kicked off the tour. I had banjos to destroy ! ! ! ! ! ! So I responded with the cleverly indifferent saying “If you are happy . . . then I am happy”.
During this whole time my boyfriend Prince began to become suspicious of my relationship with Kevin. he thought we were an item. I forgot to tell you . . . . Prince . . . while a musical genius . . . . . is a bit of the jealous type. I wanted to tell Prince that Kevin was gay . . . . but I couldn’t just reveal a sworn secret like that. So I just had to tell Prince to trust me. However, he was not buying this. He thought Kevin was evil and wanted to hurt him. I was afraid for Kevin’s safety. I loved Kevin dearly and I did not want to be partly responsible for his death. So I had to bring this news about Prince to Kevin. He knew that North America was not safe for him. So Kevin pulled a couple strings with his touring management and . . . . OFF TO TOUR ICELAND WE WERE.
Now . . . obviously the Jonas Brothers’ management was unsure of why we wanted to go on a tour of Iceland. I mean the whole country was bankrupt and no one would be able to afford a concert ticket. But Kevin Jonas is quite a clever liar and he told his people that the Jonas Brothers needed to bring their celebrity to Iceland. Their celebrity could bring awareness to the awful state if the country. It would be seen a “charity work” in the media. So the Jonas Brothers’ management ate this lie up. I knew that the real reason we had to go to Iceland was to get away from Prince. Prince demands high prices to have him anywhere. So obviously since Iceland was bankrupt . . . . . . he was not coming for free. So it was the tour of Iceland for us.
Unfortunately, Kevin insisted that Cheyenne come. he told his parents that Cheyenne Jackson was his personal assistant and spoke fluent Icelandic and could guide him around the country. His parents somehow believed this.
The first concert in Iceland went rather smoothly. I really have no stories from that concert. Everyone played his or her set list perfectly. However I have some things to say about the bus ride over to the venue.
You see Cheyenne Jackson was in the car talking about what else ? ? ? ? . . . . .himself. And these are the snippets of conversation I got. “God I am pretty”. “You know I am arguably the most talented person on the face of this planet”. “Sometimes I feel bad for other people . . . I mean they will never be as sexy as me”. “Sometimes I looks in the mirror and I am afraid that I am looking at someone hotter than me . . . but then I realize that it is just me”. “You know if the bus turned over and killed us now I would be perfectly content dying. That is because I will die being this gorgeous”.
Growing increasingly annoyed over Cheyenne’s ego, Kevin’s parents tried to change the subject. They said to him “So Cheyenne we heard you speak Icelandic”.
Cheyenne responded with “Of course . . . . fluently”.
Doubting this claim Kevin’s parents replied with “So say something in Icelandic”.
Cheyenne proceeded to make this weird horrid nasal sound. Frankly it sounded like an injured moose. For a second I thought Sarah Palin had gotten lost and shot Cheyenne Jackson. But, unfortunately Cheyenne was not dying. However, while this sound was completely gibberish . . . it did sound vaguely like Icelandic. This satisfied Kevin’s parents enough and they were quiet for the rest of the bus ride. Which meant that Cheyenne then started talking about himself again. I looked over at Kevin and he somehow seemed unfazed by this horrible example of self promotion. Kevin just stared at Cheyenne googly eyed.
I really became increasingly nervous about Cheyenne. He always asked Kevin how much money the Jonas Brothers were making and seemed to really want to know Kevin’s pin number. But I could not get overly involved in this because I had to look at my own finances.
With the brief North American and the Icelandic tour, I had earned quite a bit of money. Some of it was from touring . . . . . but most of it was from my shirt sales. I realized I was not the only one who enjoyed a bad joke.
I looked in my bank account and I had 50,000 dollars. That was more than enough to get my anti banjo charity started. Since I was already in Iceland I figured I would start in the country.
The Iceland economy was pretty much in the toilet. So the Icelandic people were getting ready to over throw their government. I knew that this was my time to come to power. But I needed to get my name out there. And I also needed to find a husband in order to project a positive family image. So naturally I asked Kevin if he would like to be my fake husband. Of course . . . he agreed.
Now how was I going to get my name out there ? ? ? ? Oh yes . . . why of course I am now “married” Jonas Brother. So I made Kevin get on the local Icelandic news program and proclaim that his new wife was going to run for political office and that the people of Iceland should vote for me.
Sadly Kevin is the unnecessary one in the Jonas Brothers. So initially no one was listening to us. We then made Nick and Joe Jonas go on the local news and tell the people of Iceland to vote for me.
The Jonas Brothers’ plea actually worked. The people of Iceland petitioned for me to be on the ballot. I then realized how much power the Jonas Brothers had and why Kevin couldn’t come out of the closet.
So with my new found money I was able to buy some clothes and media coaching. I was about to possibly become Prime Minister of Iceland.
Over the next couple months I campaigned all around Iceland. I was seen as the hip candidate and someone the youth would campaign for. I was excited over this and really hoped that enough people would vote me into office.
The night of the election I should of been glued to the television. I mean I could become leader of Iceland. However, there was a Girl’s Next Door marathon on E! and I had to watch that. I mean Kendra is amazing ! ! ! ! She flashed parliament ! ! ! ! ! So it was not until the next day when I looked at the Icelandic newspaper that I was very confused. I had no idea whether I won or not. That is because the newspaper was printed in Icelandic and I do not know any Icelandic. So I managed to get on the internet and google my name. Normally I google my name for fun. But now . . . . . I had a real purpose. And the I saw it on MSN “Felicia Sparkly . . . former entertainer elected Prime Minister of Iceland”. I did it ! ! ! ! I was now ready to spread my message ! ! ! !
However it was only until after the election that I realized . . . . ICELAND IS FRICKIN BANKRUPT AND I HAVE TO FIX IT ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
You may be wondering how the Jonas Brothers kept their career while Kevin was my “husband”. Well, I did say before that Kevin is unnecessary to the band. So they found some other moderately attractive man to stand behind Nick and Joe and pretend to play the guitar. And surprisingly the fans were just as happy.
So I needed to establish my political issues. But I needed to encourage the people of Iceland to band together. They had to be strong if they were going to get out of bankruptcy. I knew I was not a financial expert so I needed to hire someone that knew money.
Hmmmmmm . . . . . who could I ask ? ? ? ? Of course . . . . Suze Orman ! ! ! ! ! ! I needed Suze Orman to fix the Iceland financial crisis. But I couldn’t just tell Iceland that I was passing the financial planning on to someone else. I needed to distract them. So I made my first speech about my charity mission. I was short and went like this :
“Ladies and Gentlemen of Iceland we are all gathered here to celebrate change. A new fresh beginning for Iceland. These financial times will be trying . . . . however if we are able to band together then the reward of financial security will be that much sweeter. Now I believe I have identified the main reason why Iceland is bankrupt. And that culprit is banjos. Yes, ladies and gentlemen . . . . banjos are slowing the Icelandic economy. No longer can we let this happen. We need to all thoroughly dispose of all of the banjos in Iceland. That way, we can start to re build this fine country. So please . . . for everyone - if you have banjo please ship it to Australia. Thank you for your time and god bless you all ! ! !”