Synopsis: Free Reign

National Novel Writing Month

In the year

Two thousand and oh oh eight.

Wordiness abounds.

Novel or derivative narrative by Yolande House

Yolande Cheryl House (Patriquen, kind of)

The start of my novel, vis a vis Midnight Write last night:

I do not know how to start, but even that is a start! That is the magic of life. Everything works out, on the whole. On the balance, and for the most part. Enough to encourage an optimistic soul, but not enough to dissuade one who is inclined to see the world in severe black and white. And I am an optimist soul. Usually. For the most part. Not that I have that natural inclination. I am most certainly not a happy cheery-as-the-sun morning person who annoys roommates and family members alike. No, by nature, I can be quite cynical. –
Actually. Erase that. By nature -- i.e. When I look back at myself as a child – I was a happy and cheery and go-lucky spry. It was life, nurture -- or, lack thereof -- that hardened this soft, enveloping shell. Formed a hard edge, distrustful eye. Ever watchful and frightened, on edge and just praying for forgiveness for trespasses committed against me, in the names of those I was supposed to trust. I did trust, but trust was broken, unspoken and silenced in the light of the night take flight and reach higher my ever-loving cherry. Merry and marry.
So maybe I AM by nature optimistic and (reasonably) cheery. And … in a sad way, maybe this is a reason to be LESS optimistic. I.e. Maybe it isn't possible (or is so much harder) for a naturally cynical person to become cheery and hopeful. I have concluded that it must be – not because my own journey has been easy, but because it has been possible. But if I was, rather, uncovering my own latent – but very much present – cheery demeanour, well, that’s a MUCH different story than the original narrative crafted of my life.
This is an interesting revelation. I am NATURALLY cheery, only crappy life got in my way and dulled the sheen on my open exterior. But I had the strength and courage to wax poetic and buff to shine what was rightfully mine. Claim my birth right, my rite of passage.
And it alights, elates and waits for vision, fission coming in forms separate and joined, coined by a phrase so familiar as to be normal. The poetry in me coalesces and congeals, steals the spotlight and claims attention, not to mention what it deserves. Preserves itself all the while. Smile small and broad, shod in its own glow.
It alights. NaNo starts off (w)ri(te)ght, as I smile and style my way back to wonder; Yellow yarns yelping yoyos. I am ready for sleep to keep me awake. This is what’s at stake. My life, my vision, constructing crossroads and inroads and paths to my psyche. Help me feel and steal into myself, previous moments lost as time flies by.
A continuation of my first NaNo? But controlled and calm, the anger cleansed, already gone.

Sunday, Nov. 2 at 12:11 p.m.
I was really happy with how that first bit came out, very narrative like. Not good enough for publication or anything (ha!) but good for a drafty splurge of words, and potentially could be edited down to something more easily readable or digestible or something. Day two and only 500 words written – eep! This is unusual for me, but I don’t seem to care as much as usual./ And this chair is uncomfortable. I don’t know if this will catch fire – slight – soon and I’ll be off to the races, or if I’ll be indifferent all month. I feel the guilt monkeys eyeing me warily. By which I mean, the memoirists have been moved over into the ‘rule breakers’ forum, ouch! And there is discussion, even among memoirists apparently, of not validating because you’re not “really” doing the challenge. I mean, for people who start early and who flagrantly break the rules, fine, but just because you’re writing a different genre that Nano isn’t set up for? Strange. I defy expectations and all that, but I think the fact that I am NOT writing memoir so much this year makes me want to find more of a narrative or a theme, lest the guilt monkeys attack. Because I am quite comfortable with my “FUCK you very much, narrative memoir fits all the rules except the fiction part, and I even think it half fits that, too. FUCK you very much.” (Thank you Ani, I like that line.) And last year I read the rules board carefully and found out that they DID accept novel long poems as novels, and stream of consciousness novels. So I decided to do the latter, with some poetry thrown in. But it turns out that stream of consciousness novels really are fiction and it’s more like stream of consciousness for one of your characters, not you (or you, but through the prism of your character). So…. I really am not playing by the rules this year, when I was delighting in the fact that I’d found a way around their silly rules – writing my own thing, but in a way that did fit their rules. Sigh. And if I go with what I have been thinking this year, then I really am just plopping word on a page and that really IS against the rules. My main argument for accepting memoir would be that it IS a narrative, ya know? So.
I was very very happy with the first part of Nano came out narrative like. And it makes me wonder if the whole thing can have a narrative. Not so much a theme, the way I’ve had them. Maybe a theme as This Is Where I Am At In My Life Now. So me, now, talking as the narrator, about politics and memoir and poetry and especially dating stuff I expect. In a way continuing BOTH of my previous memoirs (ha ha which is also against the rules!!) but doing so fresh… Anyway, even if I do try to go back and forth between poetry and prose etc, I think I will try to stick to a loose narrative for the guilt monkeys’ sake if nothing else. And it is basically memoir, I suppose – stream of consciousness memoir! There, I coined a new genre. Ha ha. And my timer just startled me. I was going to reward myself with a trip to Shoppers and Sobeys (for Halloween candy if there’s any left), but maybe I will go sooner… Or maybe I should make myself hit at least 1500 words first, then that will be my walk of accomplishment. Walk of Accomplishment. J We will see. I have a few seconds left then I will spell check – by which I mean word count - this I think that’s it!
Blah. I don’t know that I have anything else to say at the moment, but I do want to hit 1500 words so I can go for a walk. Hee. I am at 1100 words and in that 10 minutes I wrote 600, so this shouldn’t be that hard. Okay, things I will likely write about this month – memoir, continuing both my first and second; poetry; prose – I consider the first essay thing very prosey; sex stuff re: my second memoir of course, but also just talking about dating and Jeff and sex with a partner…; any really anything else I want to talk about – politics, if one day I want to write some bit political essay rant, great, fabulous, awesome. Yeah. Probably memoir will be the biggest thread. So:
I palmed through memoir number one quickly last week. I was on my way to Joe Blades’ writing show on CHSR, where I was getting interviewed for Na No Wri Mo (that went well! I have a copy of an official writing interview now!) and I was looking for a writing sample. Turns out it worked out well just to have one – Susan’s – but in looking through my memoir quickly I was like Holy shit this is so ANGRY you know? Like I didn’t even know if I wanted to read the thing and get sucked into it drowning anger and hopelessness. Not that the manuscript is hopeless or that I was when I wrote it, but that it inhabits a specific state of mind that can be on the hopeless side, yes. Hard to read. And maybe if it wasn’t me, myself, it would be easier to read, but I know that that meant to me and what that did to me and I don’t think I want to go there again. That manuscript is toxic. It weighs me down and pushes me under. And I wondered if I need to re-write it. Write my general memoir again – not editing that, that tainted thing, but anew and afresh. And perhaps at the editing stage, THEN going through my old stuff and incorporating bits as seem relevant. Not that THIS will be the re-write, I do not know if I am up to that task. Intimidating mentally, fo’ shizzle. But maybe this can act as notes toward it, or something.
I do know that when I read – that book on men and anger by that writer who later wrote that AWESOME book on writing from the body – I was really unimpressed with how unresolved some of his issues were. And it made it frustrating to read. Like, for the most part it was really interesting and revealing and obviously it touched a chord in me and many other people. There was a lot of promise to it, and a lot of good stuff. But overall it was very unprocessed. You wouldn’t want all of the rawness to go away, of course, as that is part of the charm, but those parts where he obviously had big issues with his mother and didn’t seem to understand that if his dad was abusing HIM, then clearly obviously the man was abusing his mother too!! Maybe not physically, maybe it was controlling and emotionally abusive, and I realize that’s beyond a child’s understanding, but as an adult writing and reflecting on this – to not see that or raise that point or edit that in later – that really bothered me. Maybe it was even slightly irresponsible. And why would his therapists not have mentioned this? My answer actually is that he was writing in the 80s, and his prime inspiration seems to have been the Men’s Movement (shudder) and so didn’t seem to have very much exposure to feminist issues or women empowered theory or psychotherapy. Of course by this point he also had a degree in counselling, so maybe he should have learned – but it was still the 80s, and from my knowledge, counselling masters are very practical and don’t go over theory or epistemological knowledge at all. So if he didn’t already have a background in that kind of understanding, he wasn’t going to be getting it in a counselling degree.
But as a reader, and a feminist woman empowered reader of twenty plus years later, I found it frustrating that he had a lot of issues with women, and while he had worked through some and maybe even a lot, there were still some unresolved issues.
Ultimately my point is that I want my own memoir to be processed. Still raw and revealing and revelatory, but I don’t want readers to be like “Ugh, this is promising, but unfinished. She really needed to work through more stuff before revealing this to the world.” Maybe that’s another magic of drafts. And constantly working on yourself and inquiring and talking to therapists. And maybe my last manuscript of two years ago was unprocessed, too raw and angry. Maybe it was great for the time, I mean it made me sick BUT it was necessary to get out and express. And I have learned that I wrote that more in an autobiographical way (chronological, trying to cover everything, up till age 7 anyway) rather than the classic memoir way of choosing a tight theme and weaving a story and a narrative. Maybe that is what I would alternate with poems and prose bits between chapters. They would be their own chapters. I would like that. I like that a lot. So yeah maybe I need to re-write fresh, knowing what I wrote before, sticking to a tight theme and narrative, then later I can go back to my other manuscript. I’ve been having a hard time with editing the thing, so I think this might be the answer. Don’t edit. Re-write. That WAS a first draft. But now I need to write a second draft (not now – after Nano), fresh and unencumbered by the energy of the last. Break the negative energy and infuse it with love and hope. Yes. I like that a lot. J
I am so impressed by my lack of typos so far. I am correcting my spelling mistakes. I figure I can afford the time to try to save me editing time later. Future Yoey is very grateful, I am certain (Aren’t you, Future Yoey? I see her nodding in the distance…)
First online write in and my music is going and I’m caffeinated and sugared up, so all is good all is set for a productive evening. Was reading the Nano boards earlier and someone in the memoir thread mentioned she knew a serious writer who went to the Banff Creative Writing Centre for 6 weeks and just wrote whatever was on their mind, anything, and she found it was a great way to get the junk out, to cleanse and clear out her system, and also to write some things she found she would want to go back to later. And the poster said this is what she hopes NaNo to be, and I’m like – exactly! That’s exactly how I use it, how I want to use it. So that makes me feel a little more validated and focused. And more people have been posting “Hell YES I am going to fucking validate, you pussies!” in the “gosh, we’re rebels, should we really claim a victory and certificate when it really hurts no one else?” thread. I feel better now, that was starting to gnaw at me.
Other thoughts I had today: what were they? More memoir ish things. Hmm… Mayyyyyyyyybe okay I think I remember now. I wrote my 1500 words and then went out for a walk to essentially find Halloween candy but also some tofu. I was kind of pissed that Shoppers was closed (One of my Halloween candy stops) but there was a flea market on (thankfully I didn’t walk around LATER in the afternoon like I had originally planned!). And I went through it all anti social like. Found a couple of nice retro necklaces – a really nice gold pearl one (can’t be real of course but looks very pretty) and a navy blue beaded one – cheaper looking, but just COOL I thought. Funky. Wished I had come here before Halloween, as I could have gotten very cheap retro jewellery – cool stuff I would wear normally but also painful stuff that would have screamed “THIS IS A COSTUME, FUCKERS”. So, next time.
Then I go to a neat looking book table with activist books. Out of the corner of my eye I see three figures, young, and obviously looking at me or trying to catch my attention. I ignore them, as I have no interest in looking up only to be judged or condemned, I’m just looking at your shit leave me the fuck alone. Then one of them said something – maybe an amused “Hello?” So I look up and see my brother Jono’s girlfriend. Chagrined, I say hi back – and then I see Jono! He was the one who had been trying to get my attention, and he and his girlfriend were snickering that I was ignoring them. It was their friend, Claire (who I recognize from Facebook and whom I have heard on the radio – feminist show on CHSR), whom – after learning who I was – said “God, I thought that was really rude. You were just looking at stuff, and they were laughing. Now I get it!” Hah. I’d thought it was rude, too, before I knew who they were. ;)
So then the small talk started. I was a little weary, as I was in an anti- social mood like I said right upfront (to explain why I was tuning them out before I knew who they were). Anyway, I started talking to their friend I hadn’t met before, Claire, and since I’d mentioned the radio show, she started talking more about that. THEN she suggested that I go on as a guest! Me: “Uhhh. Um. Uhh. I guess I could do that. Um.” Then she said, “I mean, it’s not like you need a PhD—“ Me: “Actually, I have a Master’s in women’s history>.” “Really?” “Well, in history, and my focus was Canadian women’s history…” She asked what my thesis was , which I didn’t do a good job of explaining: “Well, it’s on Emily Murphy, and drugs, and – it’s complicated.” I was shocked that she – and Jono’s girlfriend! – didn’t know who Emily Murphy was. But like Claire said, she’s 19. She said, “Hey, I’m 19. And I have a big mouth. But we really want a lot of different women on the show, not just the same two women every week. We need women who know what they’re talking about (I forget how she phrased it – that they needed people who were experts – not even that word – but that they needed people who had facts and experiences to share – okay that’s not exactly it either. Anyway.)
And we had a nice exchange, that probably forebodes (ha! I am so negative) – uh, foretells what a show would be like:
“Women still get paid 65 cents on the dollar or something, compared to men. That’s just not right,” Claire said.
“And,” I added, “Women are more likely to work part time, to be okay with accepting those jobs and getting less pay in exchange for more freedom.”
“Yes! And they’re more likely to be social workers and be in other low- paying professions.”
“And remember that they weren’t always low paying. Those professions used to be male dominated, and they paid just fine. And they were prestigious! But then women come along, and … plop!” (Had I gone on I would have mentioned that this is why some –0 many – feminists are sceptical that more women in doctor and lawyer type professions won’t necessarily mean women will be paid more, or as much – it actually might degrade how much those professions are valued and paid. And, so, if you want to be really cold and cynical about it, perhaps men who resist women in those fields have a point – women will likely bring the status of those jobs down. And that SUCKS.
“Yes!
“Yes,” said Claire, “That’s exactly what we need!”
And… that led me to thoughts of “Huh, wouldn’t it be interesting if strangers started appreciating and valuing me for things my brothers don’t even.” If that makes any sense, and as always I am talking much more about Jordandan than about Jono. Not totally fair to Jono, but.
A couple of years ago at Christmas we – dad, Gladys, Jordan, Jono and two of Jordandan’s friends – went to Ottawa. Or, rather, Montreal. Jordan and his two friends and I were dropped off at a metro station so we could go elsewhere in the city (me to the bus station to go to Ottawa). We were sitting in a metro car and we were chatting, and Jordandan says, “So, Yolande, you were around for the anti- globalization movement of the late nineties. Did you ever go to any protests?” “Not really,” I said, “Certainly not any big ones.” I could see the disappointment in his eyes, like in 10 seconds I had gone from My Cool Older Sister Who Got Me Into Comics and Activism And Other Fun Things to Oh, She’s Lame; I Will Be So Much Cooler; I Am Over Any Respect Or Admiration I Had For Her. It felt like that iconic moment when the child realizes the parent is only human, isn’t perfect. There’s sort of a falling off the pedestal that goes on, but then hopefully you build back up and build a relationship based on two equals, two adults. But Jordandan and I have never built that. And it makes me so sad. So it felt like that was the moment when he realized that assumptions he’d made about me and my activism were misguided and that he is so much more Authentic and a Better Activist than I ever was. And in terms of radicalism – yes, he’s right, I never did go that far, but in all fairness, I was pretty far out there. I still am in a lot of my politics. And I don’t feel he sees any of that at all. He dismissed me completely, baby with the bathwater, and now I’m not in his sights at all, not as someone he respects and admires or wants to share these things with.
But, fuck, I was the one who introduced him and the family to tofu! To so many activist ideas. It’s like, listen honey, maybe I am not as radical as you are, but I also did not have the basis you have. I am not a privileged straight middle class white boy who was not abused and who has great self esteem, or at least stable and healthy from what I have seen. I did not have those advantages, and was an “other” in many ways he was not. It is arrogant for him to assume otherwise.
White boy arrogant. Middle class kid who thinks they’re all authentic and hardcore because they go to the South to volunteer one summer during the 1960s civil rights movement. (Sorry, using my history knowledge now. ;) I mean, I’ve LIVED so much. My life is not all about fighting The Man. My life is about so much more than activism and resisting the power, etc. That is a big part of it, more so than in past, but still that is very important to me. Especially since I have been dating Jeff – I had been scared off (long story – maybe that’s something I can talk about!) but I have been rediscovering that part of myself from dating him. I had legitimate issues re: activism that scared me off. So while you might see a lame older sister who was So Cool at one point, or whom you thought was So Cool, who seems to have graduated and worked and not done much else of what you consider Awesomely Resistilitory (yes made up word); while you may see that, what I see is that I was very open to activism and embraced it, and it bit me back!! Totally took my over sensitive ass and threw me on the ground and spit on my face and left me naked and crying in a back alley. And I have been limping and cleaning myself off for years now, trying to find my way back. Not to the same place I was at – no, I cannot go back there. That is damaging to me. One of the reasons I am not doing a PhD. I know that is unhealthy for me, not until I am stronger in and of myself to resist the lure of White Guilt and so many other wrongs I inflicted on myself in response to those theories and discussions and experiences. Trying to be Authentic and Real and Oh- So Strong and Crafted… So fuck you for judging me. You don’t know me, brother or not. I am AWESOME. STRONG. Have gone through and gotten through so much than you ever will in your lifetime – don’t want to make assumptions, so I will say so much more than you will at my age, I’m sure, at least. I am so deeply sensitive, I feel everything so acutely, I cannot do the things that you do. Or at least I have not, for that reason. I didn’t have the training or self confidence or resistance to group think that you have.
Anyway, so it was exciting today to think that there IS someone out there who thinks I have something to offer, when I feel like my brothers don’t. They don’t ask me about feminism or the things I have done or accomplished. Maybe men are just like that? Jeff doesn’t initiate many of those conversations either. They are much more in the moment, shared experience, rather than talking until your ears turn blue.
Anyway, that was cool,. Made me think of my astrology – surround yourself with people who intimidate you.
And I am definitely doing that this year. Which is nice. I am fulfilling my astrological omens. J I did a radio show (!!) with Joe Blades, who I have been totally intimidated of, as well as a small press fair. And I have talked to Biff Mitchell at things – a Freddy Words meeting of late – which is cool, too, and now I might be back on CHSR, holy! So neat. That is very good experience for what I hope to do, so…. And I can always change my mind of course, so.
Okay, so why not talk a bit about my activist past. Not wanting to delve too deep at the moment, and I really shouldn’t delve very deep at all (it just occurred to me that it’s possible for me to hit 5k tonight!! It’s nice to have some cushion, as my week will be busy! Probably won’t get any thing written Friday for sure. And I like writing more on the weekends, usually do 10k or so, but 5k will work quite nicely considering I didn’t write anything on Saturday (if you count the 12 a.m. writing as Friday).
So the basic story is that coming from high school and my shitty home life and other shitty experience, I came to University all revved up and open for Answers, and by gosh I found them in spades! Thus started (blossomed) my intellectual development and some severe practical knowledge catch up (my childhood skipped over a lot of “basic” knowledge, and though I have done a REALLY good job of filling them, there are still gaps here and there or things I am not terribly confident about – but really many people are like that, except those exceptional intelligent ones – who of course are who I date and to whom I am related. ;) Ha ha. Intimidation abounds.) And I took it all on, took it all in, to the point that I broke. Academia and more so activism and White Guilt (yes I will capitalize that until the day I break free) really broke me. No fun. (Oh man the word war is almost done. Sheesh. I really am used to the 15 or 20 minute ones, though 10 are nice too, especially for an official write-in. I really enjoyed this and we definitely will do it again since we had enough people but I hope we have plenty more. I think Susan mentioned doing them Sunday nights, which works. Then if I can get some of the basics down, perhaps I could schedule a couple more. These are much more convenient than in person ones, and are fun!
So I have had many deep thinky thoughts this morning, again about the chance meeting on Sunday, yesterday. I was thinking about generational differences, and how my brothers’ generation is so much more self- confident and outspoken. And I qualify that with saying that my brothers are different than I was and thus surround themselves with a different group of people, so maybe there is “my” group of people in his generation somewhere who are more similar to me, but I still think there is a generational shift. My brothers are different than I am due to a childhood that was, primarily, NOT abusive, but also was middle class, they were male and did not question their sexuality and are “Other” only in terms of how they have CHOSEN to be “Other” (i.e. have dreadlocks, dress counter culturally, etc), they are not “Other” in a way that is not of their own choosing. They grew up in a healthy household – not without problems and issues, but within the realm of normal families that does not seem to have affected their self esteem or messed them up too severely. Like I said, I think the abusive childhood part is the great gulf that separates us, perhaps propped up by the growing up on welfare thing, too, but those would explain most of my lack of self esteem and shaky self image. The other things – male, straight – help to explain why they are privileged in a way that they have not had to question themselves or work on themselves terribly much; how, activist inclined, they can IMMEDIATELY jump into the pool of activists and begin working away; they had no internal oppression to overcome, no falsehoods to question and get over, no victimization to heal and grow from. One could argue that these middle class boys, if assuming they are “better” than the likes of me simply due to their more “hardcore” activism, are quite arrogant and revel in their unquestioned male privilege – if they in fact felt hat way. I don’t think Jono does, but I have suspicions about Jordandan. And if he does feel that way, then that says a lot about him and nothing at all about me.
Oh no I have two minutes left, haha. SO my point that I’m going to need a half an hour to write out is that I feel this is generational. At my assertiveness class last week Marla was saying that she felt a huge generational divide between her and her niece’s generation – that they were self confident and spoke up and were assertive and outspoken, whereas she grew up being told that children were to be seen and not heard; and so that our generation is more shy and shaky self confident than the younger generation. I wasn’t exactly told to shut the fuck up as a kid, but yes I was essentially told that I was too young to know any better and my opinions were not valued as youth today is.
Word war, one minute already gone. I was thinking these thoughts on my way to work, too, and hoping I’d get time to write them out, but I got a couple of emails done but that’s it. Was thinking again about generational issues, that there does seem to have been some parenting changes resulting in more confident outspoken kids – I think this is something extensively documented, actually. I have seen many news stories about it. And it makes a lot of sense. On the negative side, there is also the factor of these kids being quite arrogant thinking they automatically deserve a high standard of living and good jobs, etc, without having to really work at it. That covers my generation a bit, too, I think, versus say my parents’, but it’s definitely more of an emphasis with younger people. So I think that’s something I’m observing and in awe of – like I wish I had been that confident, that confrontational. I mean, I was certainly confrontational (ha ha) but in a much more insecure and so more angry, less foundation kind of way – wibbly wobbly if you get my meaning. Whereas they are coming from a place of more self esteem and confidence and thus are more solid and assertive rather than, say, aggressive. I mean, I haven’t seen them at protests or anything, so maybe they can be quite aggressive, I don’t know – but I think there’s a difference between someone who is generally assertive who is aggressive in some situations and circumstances, versus someone who is rarely assertive, and goes from passive to aggressive… Though that is a lot of analysis and reflection on myself, and may not be as widely applicable as it seems to me to be right now at this moment.
This afternoon my cousin Sarah uploaded a bunch of old photos to Facebook, including ones of me as a kid and infant, and ones of Nanny and Papa (I wanted to say Nanny and Grampy, which is what Mom, Ashley and Nanny when she was alive used to call him – I am so divorced from the self who called him Papa, that seems so strange and distant now). There was one beautiful one of Nanny and Papa in particular – just really really nice, it brought a tear to my eyes at work and I’m glad no one was there (not that I would be looking at them at work if so, but you know what I mean). I really have to go through her pictures and save a bunch. Awe. Maybe even make my own Facebook album and add them to them – that’s what Sarah does and it’s a good idea. I want to change this music, but I think the 10 minutes is up. But I will keep typing because people haven’t stopped yet.
**
I am so annoyed by those people talking on MSN even during a word war. Sigh I managed to turn off sound – thank GOD. But I can’t figure out how to stop the blinking. I like gmail chat because, while that does blink, it’s less irritating, and if I have gmail tabbed I can close that window and I literally don’t see anything until I click on that tab. MSN is obnoxious. So… But they seem to have shut up now, so that’s good. I think I will pass on any more word wars with them, anyway. I have already met my word count goal today, even if my Excel program says I haven’t. Sigh. Oyo But yeah I don’t think I am much into writing. I do have some important things to do before Jeff comes over, so I should do them after this. I actually was watching a TV show – unfortunately it is literally 60 minutes – like including ((GOD Windows has crashed twice now!!)) Okay, I closed that window down. They were really pissing me off. I’m all fucking pissed off now, heh. Fuck fuck fuck. Trying to get some negative energy out. Fuckers. Lol. Sigh.
**
So am not ready to write at the moment, but write I will. I am still eating supper and so hungry, but I can warm it up and after 10 minutes I might feel more full, which is a good thing since I will likely get into my Halloween candy afterward. So.
I was supposed to have my first career counselling appointment today. I went down and waited for about 20 minutes, only to be asked to reschedule since their appointment scheduling system crashed and they needed to try to fix it before the end of the work day. So understandable of course, but I made it clear it definitely was inconvenient – since in the past I have waited for 20 minutes for my appointments to start (regularly this year actually) and have not said anything, so here I at least wanted to say, “Yes, this is inconvenient, as I rescheduled half my afternoon for this; however, of course I understand. It’s no problem.” And I delivered that in an assertive way, yay! I just didn’t want her to think I was all like “Yeah, sure, no problem at all, it’s not like I had anything better to do anyway!” Because she has rescheduled with me a number of times before, and my other practitioners haven’t had that need… Hmm… So yeah I just wanted to make clear that it was fine in this instance but not generally. Or something.
Anyway, what I would have talked about was about half and half job stuff (contract stuff that I’m doing now) and the family reunion (really Nan’s birthday that is turning into a small family reunion) about half the time – uncle stuff a bit, but more so I would have talked about Jordandan. I have a LOT of anger and frustration and resentment built up toward him. Wow. I think it might have only been the last few months that I really realized how much. Anyway, I think that’s very worthwhile to talk about, and it would have been great to do so with my counsellor. But too late now. Oh well. But in response I decided to write about it – it’s definitely a good topic for this here undefined memoir-ish work, but it’s also probably very healthy for me to write about right now and try to get out some anger and frustration energy before leaving for the weekend, even if all that really results is more of an understanding of why I have these feelings, even if I find they don’t suddenly life. I certainly don’t expect that. And then if I wanted to post them to LJ, or re-write for LJ or something, that would be useful too – therapeutic in a different way.
So my anger toward him. I often talk about “my brothers” but if I am talking about them negatively, I am meaning Jordandan; lately if I am talking about them positively, I am talking about Jono. :S So… Yeah. I don’t really know how to describe it or how to start, but I always seem to find a way….
We used to be so close. Is it pathetic (not just aww sad, but truly dysfunctional pathetic) that a 20- something gets along better with a 12-year-old than an early- 30- something gets along with a 20- year- old?
**
Sigh. Jeff is irritating me now. I think I am okay with it (he is basically changing our plans and making his friends a priority when yesterday it seemed he was making me a priority and that pleased me – yet he isn’t being upfront about this – it’s just like “Uh, yeah, let’s do supper! Yeah, then I’ll go to my buddies later” “Oh. So, you want to switch then?” “What?” “You want to switch with me – you come to my place earlier in the evening (rather than later like we originally planned) and then go to your friends later.” “Oh, yeah, that’s right.” “Okay, well, that’s okay I guess.” “And we can start watching now – election coverage has already started!” “Actually, the results don’t come in until 8 p.m. our time.” (Later in the conversation.) “So when will you be leaving for your friends – around 9?” “Uh, more like 8 probably.” “…” So, yeah, I will be having to say something. I already emailed – his phone was busy – to say he should head over now if he’s leaving in two hours, that he can start cooking while I finish up other things. And I added that it would be ideal if he didn’t head over to his friends until 9 or so, since election coverage doesn’t start until 8 p.m. Then in person I will say something like, “You know that election results don’t start coming in until 8 p.m., right? And so you’re really cancelling on me tonight. I’d prefer if you had been up front about this. I didn’t like that you were dancing around the issue.” And if he shows up much later than 6 p.m. (it is currently 5:56 p.m.) I will NOT be impressed. He’s on the phone with someone now. Sigh. Anyway. It’s just frustrating. At least if he was up front about it and apologized and asked for a favour and appreciated that I was being nice letting him switch and I felt good that I was doing him a favour… Instead it’s just like “Yeah, let’s do supper. (I’m impressed that he seems to have the evening free.) (Then I think to ask about his other plans – were they cancelled?) (No, they were not.) (So, what time are you heading over – 9?) (No, 8 p.m., at the same time polls close in the earliest states.) SIGH. All I can think is that he had a brain fart and was thinking “Hey election coverage is on now, so I can watch that with Yolande and then I can spend the whole night with the guys.” When I’m like, hellooooo I wanted to watch the RESULTS with you. I was worried that by 10 when you showed up the election might be over (I was probably wrong with the time zones – it should go until at least 11, though it might look likely by 10) and now you want to do supper with me – he even said “Well I have to eat” like he was fitting me into some necessary convenience and then he could rush off with friends. Maybe I shouldn’t have let him switch. It’s really shitty…
Anyway, I am dwelling now. Kind of annoyed he hasn’t gotten back to me, but I will not interrupt my word war (4 more minutes) for him. Sigh. If he’s still on the phone I am going to be really irritated, HA. I was even saying the other day that I could join him for his election party thing, and he was like Ha ha no that’s just a guy thing. Then he mentioned a woman who would be there, but said it was more her boyfriend throwing it than her. “Oh because elections are no place for women,” I said, and he laughed. “Ha ha, yeah.” But I meant that, like, uh, well, you’re kind of acting as though you think that way. O.o Sigh. Anyway, I don’t think I want to meet his friends in this way, though if he sincerely invited me I could hardly say no, though I would want time to get ready. But I do NOT think there is any risk of that happening. ;) Very annoyed with him. Sigh.
Anyway, back to another boy – my brother. I barely started talking about him. We were close when he was 12-15, and younger – that was when I was 23-26. Then since I moved back – the first year or so was fine, when I lived at or by dad’s – we hung out a lot and watched DVDs. Those were the days. Sigh. But after I left I tried to put some of those things together but they never really worked. Then I gave up and nothing happened. Then Jordandan got radicalized, and it seemed that when he took a fresh look at me after that, he sized me up and found me wanting. One day we were talking about tea – and I said honey was vegan, and he was LIVID, saying “NO, that’s made by BEES, it’s NOT vegan.” And I’m like, fine, back off. I have always had honey in tea with my veggie friends, so fuck you if I didn’t do the critical thinking to think of that in that particular way.
**
Okay, 6:20 and he is on his way over. We will end up having 1.5 hours together (if he didn’t anticipate my unhappiness and arrange to go at least a bit later) and most of that time should be cooking… Blah. I’m not terribly upset in the moment, which is nice, as I can get quite emo about him, or at least I have in the past. (There’s a fucking little bitty fly that likes to fly around my computer and lamp shade. It just showed up in the last hour and FUCK it’s annoying. It’s not a fruit fly, thankfully, a little bitter but hard to kill!) But yes I really need to say something and I’m not liking sitting here stewing. It’s seeming to take him a long time to get here, so maybe I should just get my mind off of it and try to do some deep breathing while I’m at it.
Election coverage starts at 8 – logically I wouldn’t think they’d have many results until at least 8:30 (and polls stay open as long as there are lines) but the Canadian results started coming in fast and quick once polls closed, so who knows. Okay, back after a few minutes (hah I am so not going to talk about my brother much more – which is fine – maybe I should just write an LJ post – which isn’t a bad idea at all – maybe start one tonight and post tomorrow, would not be a good idea to post something tonight – tonight is reserved for election mania!)
One reason I am annoyed is that I really did – do – hope to do the shot for each state Obama wins thing. And that is no fun alone. L I will really water down the shots of course, but ha ha it could be funny. So Jeff could have joined me for that at least. Sigh. But now I will have to conceptualize something I can do on my own or what I will do on my own. I just like time to think about that sort of thing. I just turned my desk lamp off to try to get that fucking fly to stop flying by me. At least if it flies by the screen I will have a much better shot at trying to smoosh it, it’s just that the keyboard area is dark now and that is bothersome – I KILLED THE FUCKER!!! And it was a fucking mosquito. What the fuck are mosquitoes doing out now?? Jesus. If I got a mosquito bite in this cold I think I’d faint. Jesus.
(I do find it interesting that my avoidance of contractions has gone away. I will do it if I think of it, but generally I don’t need the word count boost, so. I am excited to see what my total is and if I am over today’s total because it would be nice to built a cushion for the weekend – at least of one extra day.) So he came in here and said “Can you help me get started in the kitchen?” which is a reasonable request I suppose, but I was like, “Nope, sorry. I’m in a word war until :35. I’ll be there after that.” I explained what a word war was. I guess I kind of feel bad now if he meant he wanted my help locating knives and such rather than a pointed “Hell- LO I am not your servant, at least help me get started” because that’s what I was reacting to…. Sigh. Boys. Relationships. Are hard.)
**
Woo hoo! It is now 8:40 p.m. on election night and I am in a 15 minute word war. Jeff was over at 6:30 and we cooked until a little after 7, then watched pre-election coverage. It was nice to watch some of that. I didn’t realize there would be some VERY early results. They were able to call two states by 8 p.m. – Vermont for blue and Kentucky for red. Jeff tried to leave at about 13 to 8, and I got upset. He stayed a few more minutes, but then left about 8 to. I figure – I said what I needed to say, he should be very well aware that my feelings are hurt and I am sad, and I have decided that I will NOT let him get away with this again. And that will be easier after this experience, as I’ll be able to point to this – and maybe he will have learned something. Had he been more upfront about cancelling I’d be more okay with it. Anyway, next time on the phone I will be like “But we have plans for 10. How are you going to your friends for 8? I don’t get it.” I am looking forward to talking with Grace tomorrow to see what she thinks. She will have a good idea. J / some good ideas.
Anyway, on to other things. I am liquefied! I have had two glasses of wine, working on my third, which equals out to 12 shots or states. I don’t know how many Obama will win, but likely 20 – 30. Higher hopefully. J This will get me tipsy and I will try to really water down subsequent drinks, as Jeff pointed out (rightly) that the wine was REALLY strong. I agree.
But yeah it’s cool to watch the results. Actually right now it’s kind of fucking freaky. All the results are coming in for McCain or REALLY close for McCain and Obama. CNN people were saying they were getting emails saying “Oh shit (not really swearing) did we get this wrong? I am so shitting my pants right now.” But they’re emphasizing how early it is and we really can’t know and last time for the first hour and a half it looked like Kerry was going to be president…. So, yeah, that’s what made me turn off the fucking TV and decide to write for a bit and then go back to it. I’ll see the results at 9, and if they’re still in “too early to tell” limbo, I will write some more, or grab some stacks of paper to start organizing – actually, I think I will do that anyway. I did that during the Canadian election and it was REALLY productive. So that would be nice.
Okay now I am REALLY getting into my music, alcohol is totally helping, ha ha maybe this will be a very productive Nano night, though I don’t know how useable my text is. Ha ha. I really do think – well, I want the quality to be good, to not be crap – but I am thinking of going for 75 or 100k if I win 50k early. I decided the same thing last year but found I lost steam. I suppose my worst case scenario (I am so burnt out scenario) would be that in that case, I win a week early say, but that I will still try for my word goal or at least 1k each day. I think that would be good. Last year I got to 60k, which isn’t bad. So maybe I can make 70 or 75 k now…
So brother. Yeah I might make an LJ post. Basically there is a gulf between us. I don’t think I am just making this up in my mind, I think he really does feel differently about me, and we have never come back from that. I used to have his respect, his admiration, and I don’t think I have that anymore. Not that he thinks I’m a piece of shit, but in his world view I have fallen off his radar of Coolness and People I Want To Be Like. I am kind of convinced though, I must admit, that the day I write and release a memoir, he will read it and be like “Woah, wow, I never realized how much you went through, how much you had to deal with, I totally underestimated you and didn’t see your strength and the fact that you were and are cool in OTHER ways that maybe as a 20 year old I don’t value so much yet.” I still hold out hope for that, for sure. Yeah, I also think part of my “problem” part of the issue is that I really admire ==-- both of my brothers, but really Jordandan. I don’t want to say he is like a son, because that is wrong – he is very much like a brother where my sister IS very much like a daughter in ways, at least while she was growing up. But I have the kind of adoration an parent has, for both my brothers. I think I have projected a lot of myself and my seemingly failed hopes and dreams (I say seemingly because, hey, I am still young and maybe my dreams have changed) on to them and maybe that is not fair. Maybe they (Jordandan) don’t (doesn’t) actually see me as badly as I fear, but I DO see how far I’ve fallen in their (his) eyes and that scares me, and I wonder what’s left, and how he can possibly love and value me if his childlike adoration has completely dissipated so that he sees me for what and who I really am. Will I live up to his young adult standards? What will happen if I do not? Can I live with that? Can I accept that it’s not about me and move on?
I don’t know.
**
INSERT ALL KINDS OF WEEKEND TEXT HERE – 8,000 WORDS BITCHES!!

This is the NaNo that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends.
This novel – STARTED writing, not knowing what it was, and it will
continue writing forever just because – this is the NANO that never
ENDS, it just goes ON and ON, my FRIENDS. This novel – STARTED
writing, not knowing what it was, and it will keep o writing forever
just because.

This is the novel that never ENDS, it just goes ON and ON my friends!

But I have laptop. And thus fast writing, and thus a way to write
this weekend in Nova Scotia, which is pretty darned cool. Exciting! I
did 500 words at Susan's last week in an hour, which I can do in a 10
minute word war. Cripes. Though they were a GOOD 500 words, and that
does make a differece – not so much in November, but in the course of
life generally I will note that handwriting is perhaps a forgotten art
form that I might want to take up again, or at least once in a while.
That might be a good reason for all my notebooks – writing journals
for poetry and journal entries and art, and notebooks like the
Wal-Mart ones for writing writing, professional writing… Nice to be
able to professionally write anywhere and everywhere and doing so with
a paper and pen is, well, empowering.

I don't really want to talk about – write about – Jeff again, but I am
going to. Sad? Maybe. Perhaps I am dwelling, and that is not good, but
perhaps by writing I can work through it or work through some of it…

((Thought: I think I DO like the idea of keeping writing all month,
and aiming for 75k at minimum as long as things go well or maybe even
100k. That would be nice. The kind of writing I'm doing can definitely
sustain that – and then December can become NaNoEdMo, rather than
NaNoFiMo – I could try for say 30 hours. That would be nice. And go
through and capture pieces I feel worth keeping or expanding upon,
then go through my On Her Own piece and do the same thing in a
different document, then start

**

Okay well new people showed up and then it seemed awkward like I want
to greet them because they're actually NEW and not having been to
anything else – though one woman said she was at the group chat on
Sunday, so that's cool. Anyway. What was I saying – ha ha that hasn't
really been a problem. Okay I am distracted, it's funny. Um. So yeah
that's the good thing about having two MLs because I was like "uhhhh
have to welcome new people" and Susan was like "Uhhh let's just do the
word war and they can catch up." And the new people – well the one new
person who IMO kinda got shafted, seems just peachy keen fine sitting
there typing on her laptop. I guess not everyone needs the warm
welcome that I would want. Huh. A lesson of the ages

Okay my wrists are getting tired. Uh oh. That is not good. I wonder
how people do this normally.. I think maybe I will bring my wrist
thingy because it's especiallly my left wrist which is kind of
contorted . There I'm using my jacket a bit now – awkward yes but
hopefully that will help because yeah I can't type too long if my
wrist is bent back.

Oh I was talking about Jeff – I guess today (and keep in mind I have
had 6 hours of sleep) I am sad. I think I realized late into the night
that while I may not mind or may understand what happened last night –
as much as I am certain I will act differently in the future, as in do
this once fine I hope I communicated clealry and you understand where
I am coming from. Though I emphasized the fact that I didn't like how
he presented the info – and I didn't – rather than the fact that he
just up and changed our plans last minute and that was NOT cool. I am
 I am way too hard on myself. way to easy on him.

This is all true. So I guess late into the night when the Obama
victory became a reality and people are talking about what an historic
moment it was I was really sad, felt kinda pathetic to be sitting on
my couch all alone…. Especially when I ostensible (ostensive?)
boyfriend was off at an election party to which I was not invited. Not
cool. That felt really shitty. Really really shitty. I really wanted
my own election party. Had he told me his plans a week ago maybe I
would have invited someone else over. Doubtful, but it at least would
have been a possibility I would have been free to consider. So I
didn't like that feeling, I don't like that feeling, and I sad now. I
think that another factor, perhaps the underlying factor is that I
Still Have Not Met His Friends Yet. I kinda thought Npve,mber would go
by and I would be like whatever, so what. I am too busy to care. But
here I am. I wonder if I should – could – say "Hey, I really want to
meet your friends. I tihnk that's part of why I was sad last night. If
I'd met your friends and knew these people and you were just having a
"guy's night" without me, that might be one thing, but when it appears
to me as tough you might be trying to segregate your friends off from
me, avoid them and me – when the thought and the possibility is there
that maybe you WOULD have invited me, if I knew them or we had hung
out before, if therew asn't an additional complication of introducing
and me it being awkward… well that kind of makes me more angsty about
why I haven't met your friends yet…" I think that's ultimately what's
bothering me. I don't know how to make him introduce me to his
friends, though, when it hasn't happened in 8.5 months, and when I
have been hardcore hounding him the last 3 months.

I don't know. Boys are hard work. They need a lot of training and
patience. Is it worth it when they can take off at any minute, and
moment, take flight and fly away, and all your hard work goes down the
drain> Are you investing in this person (something you can lose), this
relationship (something else you can lose) or in yourself? Is the work
you put in really work you put into yourself, showing yourself what
your boundaries are, the crossing lines getting shorter every time,
learning what you will and will not put up with, so that next time
your fuse will be shorter and you will be quicker to say, "No, that is
not me, I a mnot comfortable with that. If you want to date me, then
these are the boundaries and the outline you can colour within, but I
won't put up with otherwise. Thanks very much!!

I am so totally fucking close to 10k, it's awesome. And I am happier
with the above writing. I am more inspired. I don't need a plot or an
outline that will fall apart half way through the month, or not get
finished and languish in a dustbin. I will just write and get inspired
and write some more and eat my way to my soul,. Layers falling off and
splashing, highlighting the likes of me and the lies within and trials
without and how everythign fits together and makes sense and has
sensical values and implicit notions that tickle at the edge of
thought and comma stretches, languishes and pulls, ethereal in your
vision demarkating you, marketing lovliness as though it was next
week's must have commodity, corroding nature implying status quoting
off the likes of you, reading and breathing and faking and nerating
and – berating, and everyone who passes by stares at us, our strange
site, 9 of us now gathered here in the UNB blue room all writing
together and laying apart, splaying at the feet of the National ovel
Writing Month gods alighting and fighting their way to prominence and
I hit the vision, I control the concete and pour cement and lament
nothing wondering where do I go from here how do I ride this wave of
satisfaction inspiration does it just stop when the month is over when
I move on when life moves in?

Spin. And stop. See where the top lays, splaying itself out for you
and you don't bother to look, write a book and no one reads was it
really written? A forest laid bared fire raged caging its essence its
mother and nature and naturalizing the contaminated water falling
briefly and sauntering, dancing away its cares and caressing spotless
floors and tiles and dirt everywhere like our house on our street
Hunterhorn street dog Maggie downstairs hit slap punch not good enough
trial cries and god poops and I get in trouble. Sister born and for
the dog I mourn and everything slips away, life ebbs but does not
flow, goes south of the border but does not tickle my trunk.

**

Another word war, yay@ Lexi is very sarcastic. It's endearing and
entertaining and amusing (she must have been very popular in high
school – she's in first year I think so that's why that comment is
relevent at the moment) but sometimes I don't know if she's being mean
or that's just her sense of humour. She'll give a sarcastic thumbs up
like "Good for you – but not really." Which… feels kind of shitty. Oh
well. TTime to move on.
So, yeah.

So yeah, I got all poetic there. ALSO, I HIT 10K!!!!!!! Hah. Those
exclamation marks come SO slowly, so not worth doing. So I am excited
– it's day 5 and I am at 10k, at this rate I will finish on day … 25.
Which I guess isn't terribly early, but I know if I really push myself
I can get some 10k weekends in there, and certainly thta won't be
happening this weekend (well, you never know – I at least would like
to meet my daily word goals, so that's 3k for fri sat if I'm back sun,
or 5k if I['m not back sun evening. I really have to email to ask if
we can be back by then, because my attitude should NOT be "uh, hey,
what time do we get back?" and then live with whatever they say. I CAN
have the self confidence to say, "Hey do you know what time we head
back Sunday> I have something at 7 I'd love to be able to go to." The
end.

Okay. Let's talk about my assertiveness course now. I haven;'t been
putting nearly as much work into that as last year, which in a way
makes sense, but in another way I have just been way too busy. I do
want to do my homework this week which I guess will be tomorrow
afternoon, though perhaps I will try to cal Cute Girl tonight in case
she's not home tomorrow afternoon. (Is it 10 minutes yet?) I am so
going to have to spell check this when I get home. Yes, I plan to
spell check this year – I figure I can spare the time, and better now
than in the future! I have learned the hard way. (More random thoughts
– Susan brought up the idea of not being an ML next year. EEP. That
sort of worries me. I would like to be an ML but not the only one. But
I am having thinky thoughts. We could – I could – approach certain
people to see if they would be interested in Mling, Mary comes to
mind. I don't know if anyone else comes to mind, sorry, Maybe Vivian,
but I picture her as a control freak, and she can get testy. :S I'd
rather Mary. One thought I just had – and no I would not want to do it
on my own – is that on the positive side if I did it on my own I could
PLAN whenever I WANTED and not be dependent on another person, which
would be nice, since this August I was SO excited and in planning
mode, but Susan

**

Word warrrrr!!! And I didn't beat my personal best last time (GRR
should have typedslower at first – kidding@ kinda, yes, it was nice to
not win everything all the time). Notice how I have stopped correcting
myself I figure I can spll check at home – this does not have spell
check. So yeah I am actually pushed to write a lot this time which is
AWESOME! I want a sticker!! I think those are great stickers. I do
like this croed, this group, though I will point out that everyone –
well, all the new people – are students. Interesting. Again, I
wouldn't think Nano was a great thing for students due to time
constraints etc. Zbut we seem to have a lot of students this year.
Which works . Cool. There is Mary Susan and jarod and I – MLs and
regulars, and still we are all young. 38 and under! Excluding Susan 31
nd under@ Excluding me and S, 28 and under@ Excluding all of us and
mary, probably about 22 and under@@ Man they need to move that
exclamation key. I fear I am slowing down oh noes@@

Oky typing I wanted to oh okay dep – riht nano. SO not being
dependent on another person would nbe nice since when I feel incpured
to inspired to plan for the year, I can just fucking do it rather than
do a bit but wait until the other person is engaged and then maybe I
am not engaged anymore, you know. That sucks. Other ideas are that if
no one else is interested in Mling then maybe Susan can stay on as the
sub ML meaning that I give her very particular tasks but otherwise I
am doing the rest. Which is more representative of this year, really.
So she could do publicity (be the contact, I could even send out press
releases) she could come to events and be all social, host a party, do
technical stuff online 0 the chatroom, chats… But otherwise I could
just do everythig and at least that would be clearer. Then if I was
busy and couldn't do it all, instead of possibly feeling resentful
that it wasn't getting done or why do I have to be the one doing it
anyway (like with the garbage I mean reculcying at home) at least in
that way I would just either do it or not do it and know that it's all
on me. So. Yeah. I would likely have fewer events, if Susan wasn;t ML
and couldn't make it to many of them. Encourage people to set up their
own write ins perhaps but otherwise have a few events but that's it.
But I like events. That's what makes nano to me@ :ign. Sigh. But you
could ask for volunteers to help out with things – postering, etc,
make a day of it. Anyway, ideas to think about and ponder on.

Oh, and Barack Obma is president!!! I think I wrote bout this last
night actually, yes I think I did and a lot of jeff emo too. I think
it's weird – there are people directly behind me and the walls here =-
"wa;;s' – are all holey so I keep hearing people talking right close
to me and I look up but non e of us are tlaking and I realize ohj
**

More writing, and I did beat my personal best, yay! I think this was
a really good idea, actually. Both the bigger prizes for your word
count goal (that isn't terribly affordable normally, but even if it
was a nice halloween chocolate bar or something, that would be cool.)
for the evening, and then writing down your personal bests, nice as a
memory piece too, and to track your progress. We will definitely do
this at my two write is (at which I guess I will still be writing even
if I've "won") – write ins. I am a little sad not to do one this
weekend. By which I mean I am a little sad there is one less of those,
especially to lose one early in the month rather than later, but there
is no helping it and we have enough other events that it really isn't
much of a loss overall.

I am… indifferent about Nova Scotia. Or that word that means both
plus and minus ---- ambivalent. I am excited in a way, because, hey,
cousins and other relatives I have not seen in quite possibly four
years by my math!!!!!! And travel and LOBSTER and parties and going to
Nan's farm and getting a Nan aand Vern visit in so that I have another
year before they'll start bugging me to visit again ;) . But also
tensive about a certain asshole, of course, and a little anxious about
the dynamic of Jordan Jono and me. Will I freak out be anxious upset etc
if they form their own little clique that I am not a part of? I have
always gotten along with my brothers really well, and been on the same
wave length on the same page as them and I fear this will act as a
test, so see if I "fit" with them as well, especially with a new
unknown (to me) person… But maybe I will be pleasantly surprised, or
maybe I'll be hanging out with Miranda the whole time or something… I
do think having the excuse of writing might be something I welcome, it
might be a nice escape. Like Saturday most people will be going
curling and I am not going and I assume a lot of the younger people
will not go – but what will we do? Walk around town? That would be
nice. But if all else fails, I can type. And that's good to know. Set
myself up in the living room, tune out and zone in and just type.
Probably what I should be doing anyway.

Man I really need a laptop if I want to be a writer, if I am a writer
and don['t know it uet, am not acting like one yet. I mean, a desktop
is nice and it;'s nice to have both, but laptops are essential. They
are so mobile and great. Even not owning a laptop I have used them
enough over the last few years that I think I have come to terms with
the idea that - the things I do not like. If a laptop was ever my
prime computer I think I would want a mouse and one of those laptop
set ups where you sit down and it is all set up like a desk top, so
that would be your home set up. But even just to have an extra
computer- even an old beat up opne – to travel around with you. I
mean, without a car I would really need soemthing light weright to
carry around. This one for ex is way too heavy. I have to look at
those books tonight and return them tomorrow. Exclamatin mark@@@@

So there's only a fe minutes left of the write in but I want to keep
writing, esp as ML I should really – since as ML I really should be
here till everyone leaves, though I was impressed last year that as
soon as 9 hit everyone pretty much took off. It was very impressive! I
don't think that's goig to happen this year. I actually am in a
writing mood tonight – and I totally wrote so much!! I am so proud!! I
think these write ins will be very productive.

**

Okay, so aparently I have about an hour of juice without this thing
being plugged in. I will just have to save a LOT because I expect this
to shut down ((note: I started at 6:51)). Not getting a lot of typing
done which is true. Msaybe I will shut this down? I do't know – these
people are interesting and maybe I shouldn't tine them out. Okay,
sounds like a plan.
And the computer is beeping at me and I don't know why. Hopefully it
will stop. I don't think it liked how I shut it down. Okay, the
beeping is indicating that battery juice is low, meaning it barely
lasted 10 minutes! Maybe turning it on again used a lot of power. So I
will get in like 200 words before it shuts down probably, and likely
won't get much more writing done. Okay, now it's beeping constantly.
It was starting and stopping before. That can't be good. Anyway I
guess I will shut this down now because this is annoying. h

**

Okay. Now it's 10 o clock at night and I'm in the hotel room. W'e're
going back to the farm soon, just got set up in the hotel room. I
don't have a lot of time – 5 mins max – but I wanted to type at least
a bit and I really wanted to say –
Accordinfg to my family, I've got my beauty bac k. Jesus, as soon as
I came in they were all like, "Yolande! I've been telling everyone how
stunned silence. Zamy said that.beautiful you are on Facebook." Me
Then I go into the living room, and people are oohing and ahhing about
my hair – Alma saying "See? I told you. It's beautiful, all soft and
embarassed, and I was like, "Oh, I cut off 8 inches. It'scurly." Me
short now." (It's midway down my back). "It's still gorgeous!" she
says. I take my hair out of my pony tail to show them how short it is.

**

Typing typing one two three. Oksy. Oksy. Wow, the keys are kind of
weird. Okay I want to write… 500 more words. Then I should go to bed.
And I am not being very productive, however I am having fun, fun with
my OLD SKOOL computer that everyone thinks is so very cute. It would
be so fun if Jeff was here. I was quite emo about that a couple of
weeks ago, but I think it' s worked out. It's nice to hav4 a "rtansi
transitional" visit, where I can picutre him – or at least a
significant other – with me. That's neat. I do swear that next time I
am here, if we are still dating, he will come with me. He won't want
to , of course, but I will work on him and hopefully by that point –
if we stay together for a couple of years, that means that he's come
around at least a bit in that area – and that would be awesome to have
Hee. He will have to get over some of his PDA phobia, toohim here.
– or at least explain to me what he is okay with in what situations,
and what he is not okay with ever, or in certain sitiations. I don't
know that I want it spelled out that clearly because again I think he
can be, uh, encouraged otherwise, but generaly it would be nice to
know where that line is, even if that's just something I observe with
his behaviour to determine for my own curiosity and peace of mind
(because when he rejects PDA I feel like he's rejecting me. Sad face.)
I would like to at least be able to touch him in front of family,
touch his arm, hug him, put my arm around him – coupley stuff I see
Anyway, a long wayJono and Kelly doing. It's cute and I want that.
to go from there to here, that's for sure.

Woo hoo, I'm at 300 words. This is pretty easy actually. I really am
seriously thinking of aiming for 100k or 75k. I know I've said that in
this document a few times now, but I guess I'm kind of excited about
the idea. I don't actually want to commit, in fear of what happened in
NaNo Year 1 (my year one), buti t would be just so cool. And even
thought this is very unfocused, I think it works. I am enjoying it.
Therew as a lot I wanted to write about today, but yeah didn't have
much access.

Uhm. Seth was there tonight, at Nan's. I voided him. HAH TYPO. I
avoided him, hee. When I walked in and all the women were fawning over
me (apparently that was so overwhelming that I didn't even register
that Althea was there – later when I saw her I said hi and Iasked if
she was there earilier, and she said, "Of course1 You don't remember?
I was the one talking about how beautiful your hair was." So apprently
that was her ) he was sitting in a chair to the right. They all said
hi to me, one by one, and he said "Hi Yolande." I completely ignored
him, not pointedly, but I said hi to everyone else and gave them hugs.

Next was in the kitchen. Jordan, Jono, Kelly, dad, Gladys and I were
talking in a circle, and Seth came in and came toward us. I actually
did a little dance trying to get away from him. He'd be beside me, and
I'd step back. Then he's come my way to get his grandson, and I'd walk
forward. Then thankfully he went upstairs to put the kids to bed.

Then I was in the second (quieter) part of the living room, in part
because he was in the main living room. He came in and came right
beside me to use the computer (there was a laptop set up on the table
beside where I was sitting, doing a live video of the busy living
room. I wasn't impresed when I found out about that. So he has some
tape of me. Sigh.). It was everything I could do to not leave. I just
stared straight ahead and told myself that if he tried to talk to me I
would leave, but otherwise I'd just try to tune him out. It worked. He
came back a second time and I did the same thing. I think he gets the
point, hopefully he respects the boundary I've put up. I've decided if
he doesn't, if I get upset and need someone to talk to – I've decided
that I can talk to Kelly. I will warn her she doesn't have to agree to
listen, and that I'd prefer she didn't tell Jono, but would understand
if he does, and then would ask he tell no one else, but I don't think
that fair of a family member… nyway. If Seth crosses the boundary I've
clearly put up, then he can deal with the consequences. I need someone
to talk to, and I would try the internet first (they have internet at
the farm, yay!!!@@@) I think Kelly is new enough to the family and
feminist enough that she would understand the need for discretion and
not be affected personally. Ex. one year I thought about the
possibility of talking to Amanda or her mom, but I decided they really
were too close to our family and while it wouldn't be as bad as
talking to my brothers, it wouldn't be ideal either.

Wow. I just wrote 900 words. I'd say I met my goal. So I should be at
12,750 + 900 now, doing the math, doing the math… 13,650. Yay!!!
Awesome. I think I will keep my head above (NaNo) water this weekend,
cause I'm sure I can get time to write tomorrow, then Sunday should be
productive witht he online write in.

So the beauty thing. SO weird. Talk about practice on how to accept
compliments. I was like "Uh, my hair is NOT nice because it's short
now. See?" Hah. (And it really is not short, it just feels that way to
me. I asked Jeff what he thought of my hair, my unspoken point being
that guys in my exp[erience like long hair and get really unhappy when
their girlfriends cut their hair short. But Jeff was like. "Anything
past the shoulders is still long to me." So he still thinks it's long,
thus no boyfriend sadness, hee. And I get the indication the idea that
he really does like it cut and didn't like how scraggly it was before.
Hee. I can see that. Anal loveable boy. ^.^

Okay, I think I should go to bed now. I am actually waking up and
enjoying myself, but I also know I am TIE- RED (that's how I like to
say tired with emphasis). Apparently we're going for breakfast at 11
and dad is paying. Sounds good to me, and not too early. But I am really tired, and even if I take some time to do some stretching or something, or deep breathing, or fantasizing about my incredibly sexy and sexual boyfriend, so open minded and kinky and eager and
appreciative. So affectionate and loving. I am starting to tear up, so I should stop. I am really really crazy about that boy. I hope I don't get my heart broken. I hope he continues to come around, and that soon he realizes just how much he cares about me and how much he wants me in his life and decides he wants to introduce me to his friends and
family, being proud that I'm his girlfriend and wanting to make me feel welcome and a part of his life.
I don't know if I wrote about this, I don't think so, but on the phone the other night Jeff said that he actually likes having parts of his life separate, me and his friends. And I semi- laughed, saying "Oh, I KNOW you like that. But I don't like that!" He was silent at
that. Hopefully thoughtful. I liked that response – what I said, which was kind of light I suppose, certainly natural and in the moment, but also very very clear. And I like that I made a simple point, like sure YOU like that, but I don't like that, and if we're going to be in a relationship, then you need to care about what I like and want, at least being willing to meet me halfway. I admit that before that phone call I kind of worried about his response if I said something like that, since at a few points in the summer, he'd said things like "This is all I can give." Not quite take it or leave it, but that was implied. So it was nice to find out that he actually does care about what I want and need, that that's a strong enough point to give him pause for thought and something to consider.
SO. I don't know if he's The One. We – and he – have a lot of work to do as a couple (and as an individual) before any serious thoughts can be had – such as actually meeting friends and family and exploring the public side of our relationship. A LOT of work to be done right there. But. He is certainly not Mr. Right Now. He is not a placeholder. He has a lot of work to do, more training that I need to do, and he has a lot of relationship issues he has to work out and get over. But there is potential there, all dependent on how he deals with it, how willing he is to deal with it. How willing we are as a couple to work on it. I certainly am willing to try. Yes, if I wanted to settle down a s a p then I would have moved on already, but I have a lot of relationship work to do, too, and he is a willing partner in this work. And with enough work, maybe we'll find ourselves quite compatible in the long run and will want to stay together as companions and lovers…
Man, my shoulders are totally cramping up. Okay, bed time. Good night. Wait, word count. 1700 words!!! Woo hoo! I totally did my word count goal today.
Oh boy. How things have changed in a mere less- than- 12- hours.
Just as I left Jordan, Jono and Kelly's room, I got quite the shock. I backed out of the room, saying bye as I'm closing the door, then I turn in the direction of my room.
There is a man standing there. Short, middle-aged, dark hair and eyes. Familiar. He was leaned over the railing, smoke trailing up from the cigarette between his fingers.
In this time I hadn't moved. Probably only a second had passed. I stood there with my hand on the doorknob, staring quizzically at the man who stared back in such a familiar way.
"Hi, Yolande," he said, his voice weary.
Jaunted awake by his voice, this confirmation that, yes, this is a man that I know, and the dawning realization that, no, this is not a man I want to spend any sort of time around, especially alone. I quickly decided what to do, my default mode in situations like these. I stared straight ahead, and started walking quickly passed him.
"Yolande, I have a question for you," he said as I passed him. (Maybe he said "Can I ask you a question?" Either way, his tone was parental and authoritative, like he was speaking with a naughty kid who needed a talkin' to. His tone was not, as it more properly should have been, genuinely inquisitive and apologetic. No, he was talking to me like I had done something wrong and he was tired of putting up with my shenanigans and we finally needed to have a talk because this was just going way too far.
But my course did not alter. At this point I had already swung past him, taking the corner swiftly and booting my way down the hall to my room. I stared straight ahead, my mind frozen, purely in self- defence mode and on high alert. My hand did not shake as I inserted the key in the door, but it took me a couple of tries to get the key in the right
way. Knowing he was watching me, I opened the door and plunged into the darkness and safety of the hotel room, my father and step-mother already snoring in their sleep.
I did not like how he talked to me. I don't think I could ever approve of how he talks to me ever again, but I thought his tone was particularly pedantic and scolding. Maybe more weary, but definitely had that cop authoritative "We need to talk" tone. When, if you suddenly find yourself alone with me and you get the opportunity to say a few words to me, wouldn't "I'm so sorry," or "I understand you want nothing to do with me, but…" be more appropriate, both in tone and content?
I don't give a shit if you have a question for me. Shove it up your ass for all I care. I have plenty of questions for YOU. You who would throw away a healthy uncle niece relationship for the chance to cop a feel one drunken night. But do I ask them? No. I don't want to know. You are a piece of garbage, and you can rot in the trash for all I care.
I did such a good job of ignoring him last night. He said hi to me, in front of everyone, at the beginning of the night, and I ignored that, instead saying hi and hugging my other aunts and uncles. Twice more he was near me, and I either danced away in discomfort, or sat there stiff and praying he'd get the point and avoid talking to me again. I really thought I'd made it clear that I was avoiding him and that I'd appreciate it if he did the same –
Yet, last night. Late last night. He thinks he has the right to address me, when I was surprised and not expecting him. When I was stunned and deer-in-headlights frozen. And those are the words he chooses to say, as though I have done something wrong (ha!), as though he's about to say, "Are you really this upset about one little thing that one night a few years ago? Can't you get over it? Can't we move on? Are you really going to avoid me for the rest of your life if you can help it, or ignore me if you can't?"
My answers: Yes, no, no, yes and yes.
I'm now at the farm. Jordan et al forgot me – or rather dad's note flew away. I got 1000 words written, though, and I needed and wanted to write them, and I'm actually pretty happy with them, too. Wow. This seated position (on the lovely large loveseat) is really uncomfortable. I'd rather be sitting with my legs down.
Anyway, apart from one rather large exception, I think this weekend is going well. I don't see how I could have not come – free trip, plus quality time with my brothers, plus getting to see Nan and Vern. They were both – Nan and Vern – very clear about how much they'd missed me and how long it had been since I was last here. So I'm very grateful to be here just to get a visit in. And I'm actually impressed with how Jordandan has been including me. It has been quite natural and it feels quite nice.
I miss Jeff. I just emailed him now, saying how the weekend was going and talking about my uncle, too. Ending with "I miss you." Awww. I told him Thursday night that I was going to miss him and he said Awww.
Oh! So I was talking to Vern. Well, rather he came over when everyone else was gone and said "I'm going to talk to my favourite granddaughter … woman. Can't exclude Nadia, but I guess she's a woman now, too…" Then there was awkward silence, as I was eating and I think he was realizing he didn't really know what to say to me. I let some
of the silence sit, then I started asking some questions, getting conversation going. One part was funny – he said "So, I guess you don't have a boyfriend or anything…"his voice laced with disappointment. "Yep," I said lightly, nodding. "Oh, you do?" his face brightened, and he looked proud. (Seriously, is being single a sign of severe dysfunction or something?) "You're just not the type to drag him around," he said, also proudly. "Yeah, I'm pretty independent," I responded.
Then he said, "You know your father is right proud of you, eh? And that he's so happy to have you right near him?" "Uh, sure," I said. "You don't know? He adores you. He feel privileged to have you so close to him (living so close I think). He's real proud of you kids."
Now it is the afternoon and I am in a hotel room with Kelly and Jordandan, having been to the curling rink and having eaten there… Man, I think alcohol doesn't like me this weekend. I am really really tired, seriously. I just want to go to sleep now. I think I will save my Coke for the car ride tomorrow, but if I had access to that room now, I must say it would be calling to me. Well, the bed would be calling to me.
Yeah, I'm just going to write about how much I want to go to sleep, heh. Sleeeep sleep sleep. How nice. I guess I should write about something real. Hey… there is that cot. I could pull that out and try to nap there.
Blah. I think I'm realizing that had I the choice I would nap at least for 10 minutes or so to trick my body into waking up, into thinking we've had a rest. But I don't feel I have that choice, which I guess is silly. I could ask Jordandan to switch places with me, or if
he minds if I lie down next to him.
Trying to get into gmail now. Slooow, but it does seem to be working. Woo! Okay, it worked enough for me to check Jeff's response (a dismissive "You’re a big girl now, just try to ignore the asshole.") I think I’m going to mail him back once I get on a computer that isn't snail slow, and say something like (yes I am reaching into my assertive assertiveness training for this): "Hi Jeff. I know you're trying to comfort me and want me to be able to enjoy my weekend here, but the way you worded your message ("You're a big girl now," "just ignore him") felt condescending and dismissive. In the future, I would
be happy with a simple offer of hugs and sympathy. I am finding this weekend really stressful with all the positive stimuli (family I haven't seen for years, etc) coupled with a person and potential situations I am actively trying to avoid. Unfortunately, in situations
of sexual harassment and assault against women, it's very very difficult to "just ignore" someone. As I said in the original message, that's what I've been doing and it still didn't work. I am not happy that he seems to feel free to engage me, and I am scared he will find another situation in which to do so. Anyway, that is getting long and I should probably only say the first part, but his wording WAS condescending, implying that I should just "put on my big girl pants" and deal with it – when, hello, this is a serious situation, ass fuck. It's not like I'm whining about some political shit I don't like, or something. And for just ignoring him, was it not clear from my message that that's what I was doing, what my original plan was, but last night startled me and I feel I now must ponder option B since option A no longer seems foolproof? Not that it was foolproof before, but now I have clear evidence that he is not "getting" the fact that I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM. Sheesh.
Man, that was crazy. The internet totally froze for like - froze for like 30 minutes. I'd go away and come back and it would still be trying to load the page… I ended up trying to shut it down and still that didn't work, so I stopped the internet card and THAT worked. By that point I'd decided on something to do off the computer – make a Holiday Wishes list. Which I meant to do earlier (last year it took me till at least mid- Nov to do and that really is way too late), and conceptualizing really is the hardest part. So if I get time I will try to post that tonight or certainly tomorrow! I am going to have SO many spelling errors and typos to correct tomorrow. Heh. It sounds like we want to be on the road by 10 am though, meaning we'd be back f back for 5, which would be lovely. I wouldn't really want to be back any later, and while I didn't mind the slow start at the time (I mean, really, I'd never been to Jordandan’s house before – I said "I'm mad at you for that!" and it's funny because I AM mad at him for that, but when I said it was understood I think both as serious and as partially a joke, and he could partially be like, hey, that's understandable, and partially be like "ha ha") but once we were on the road and when it took us till 9:30 to get there, when if we'd left straight away at 1:30 when the picked me up, it would have been about 8 p.m. and that's really when I started getting REALLY antsy. Ugh. SO, yeah, I'd like to get on the road and just go. And we WILL have to stop because I have a small bladder, but there's no reason we can't be in and out of there in fairly short order.
Hah, I think I'm going to end up getting a LOT of writing done here this weekend!! I kind of suspected that I'd either get a lot or very little done. It the opportunities were there, then I figured there would be many opportunities, and if there weren't any, well, there wouldn't be any…
But there are. And I am here. Oh, going to talk more about the internet. Apparently Vivian seems to have posted to the NaNo board, our region, saying, it seemed, that she couldn't figure out how to subscribe to the mailing list. The instructions are in my post, but it's nice that she was trying. She really isn’t missing anything, as we've had two messages sent out on it and one was from me. I don't
know if many people are subscribed there. Susan would have to check. It's too bad, because really if you are on Facebook then you are getting good constant information and reminders. But if you're not, then there's a Google calendar on the forum, but that's really it. I think it might have been more successful last year, non- Facebook wise, to have posted a sticky at the top of the forum with events and then posted a separate post for the week leading up to the event – basically what I was doing on the board last year I am doing now on Facebook. Not fair to non-Facebook people, but what can you do? Next
year our sign up sheet could include "are you on Facebook? if not how do you prefer to get your NaNo info?" The foundation of this problem is that NaNo switched to the Google calendar, so now there's a link at the top of the forum which I hope people are noticing and clicking, but last year you just had to look at the board and you saw that there were upcoming events, etc. :S I don't know. Blah.
I think I'm getting board of typing. Can it be? I think it can. Apparently it's 4:48 p.m.!!! We went to the club at 2. Maybe we ate by 2:30, and to be kind, maybe we weren't back here until 3. But they definitely started their game at 3, and it's supposed to take 1.5 hours. Granted that gives them some time to chat and celebrate, etc, but I would think it would be any time now. KNOCK. Got to go!
Bad Yoey, hah. I turned this thing on about an hour ago and then packed and took a shower. Poor thing. I think it's almost bed time, and a good thing. I'm tired and we're getting up early in the morning – Jordandan wants to leave 20 to 9. I guess dad is going to wake us up at 7:30. Ouch! Hah, dad's already going to bed.
Anyway, I can now post- mortem the weekend. As I said earlier, other than one low point, it was very good. (And a constant stress was also hard, but I came prepared to handle that, even if it was overwhelming at time – esp. The first night, which I guess was last night. Wow! It was really nice to visit family. Sad that many of the cousins weren't
there, but we talked to Sam and Jason over video conferencing. Keifer was there with his brood (3 kids!!), which was nice – I haven't seen him in a while. Nadia and her boyfriend, whom she's apparently already talking marriage (!!). Liam and his buddy "Dozer." Looked like just the kind of guy who would be nicknamed Dozer! Then most of the aunts
and uncles were there – too bad there weren't fewer uncles, heh. Emily's kids were there (though Emily was not). Althea, Alma, Anita, Yvan, Anita's husband. Anita's friends from Ottawa. Amy and Chrissy from Newfoundland (man, the mouths on them! I must say, Amy is a sweetheart. I really like her. She was the first person to look at my Facebook picture and think Mad Men – she watches that show! Very cool. I'm likely forgetting some people – oh, Cyril and Marie! I think. that's it though. Nan and Vern go without saying, and some of their local family and friends. I'll add more if I think of more.
One thing I want to say is that the weekend kind of made me sad about Jeff, and I don't mean in a missing way. :S Watching Jono and Kelly, I was thinking, "I want that." I want a partner who will hug me in public, lay in bed with me in a hotel room, limbs entwined even though siblings are present; Kelly and Jono were lying in the hotel room bed and chatting quietly and laughing their asses off, and – Jeff and I He is not my best friend. He may have become my don't do that. "best" friend here simply because I don't spend as much time with anybody else and don't have many other close friends, but we do not share and converse at that level. That makes me sad, and makes me wonder – as I often have – how long this relationship can last. At this level if we're both in Freddy Town etc I think it can last a while. I don't know if that's a good thing, if it really couldn’t
survive beyond that. But as for going to the next level – I really think that's a no at present. I can't see him at these family I'm going to feel all emo for myself now. Okay, night. functions.
Ahhh, I remember these kinds of word wars, where it starts and it takes you 3 or 4 of the 10 minutes just to get fucking started and this is fucking pissing me off now because iTunes I guess was starting up twice and it didn’t let me type so I typed a few words but nothing was on the screen – TWICE that happened, SO fucking annoying. But the song has finally started and yay music. So many typos which I will correct after. I have gotten used to typos since I used Susan’s laptop all weekend and I promise myself that in the downtown downtime when I DON’T feel like writing I will correct those. Oh my god this horrendous typing --- typoing ---- is reminding me of my first Nano, it is rather tedious and I can see how it’s a huge fucking headache to fucking edit, esp. if it’s not just shite you can cut out or skip, but there is some good narrative and story going on and you actually have to fucking massage the text just to get it readable. Okay despite the war still going on I am going to take a 60 second break just to catch my breath.
Okay. I think I hate iTunes. That is a horrible thing to say, esp. since I’ve spent $250 on an iPod (including gift money - $50 of my own cash). I really have to sit down and read a manual or something because while there are things I never did figure out with WMP and I remain in the dark with iTunes, there are things I can do in WMP that I still haven’t figured out in iTunes and OH MY GOD it’s infuriating and makes me not want to use the fucking thing at all. I think I’m a little incensed or overtired or something. Sigh I will just keep typing typoing I only have a minute left. So tired. Did a bunch of cleaning once I got home, which is AWESOME and productive
Okay, second word war and I am better set up. Two things I want to talk about, I suppose, from this weekend. One is final thoughts on Jordandan and the trip – I don’t know if that’s entirely necessary, but probably good to purge a few last remaining thoughts. (Also, the chat isn’t nearly as fun this week, but there aren’t nearly as many people – last week we had 10 and we might have 4-5 this time. L Next week I’ll have to send out a message to the whole list I think – I don’t mean to take on that responsibility like this is my fault or something, because it most certainly is not. The chatroom is Susan’s responsibility, really, and if she doesn’t have the time energy or inclination to do it, well, then it just doesn’t get done. Unless I happen to think of it or feel like it, but I will not take it on.) Let’s purge the Jordandan thoughts quickly in case I don’t get back to them: I don’t think I’m entirely wrong about my take on him: I think in a foundational way he definitely doesn’t adore his older sister like he used to, and might in fact be judgemental in some activist ways. I don’t know. But he did a good job this weekend of including me in things (making the effort to, which is enough), and we did chat here and there, and I got along with Jordan, Jono and Kelly as a group. I feel … proud, I think, that last night I had about an hour alone in the hotel room (I shared with dad and Gladys and they were coming in later) and the initial plan was that I’d hang out with the guys, but by the time I got to my room, I thought, you know what, I’d actually really enjoy just chilling the fuck out for an hour, being able to talk to myself, doing some typing, scanning news channels for Obama talk (something Jordan, for one, would have NO interest in). And that’s what I did. I did go over to say good night to them, and they were sedate and / or online, so I don’t think I was missing much, Friday night was really the more raucous night and I’m glad I was there, that was fun. And I had been there all afternoon (unable to go to my room due to lack of key) and that was really boring actually., I got a fair amount written, but by that night my thinking was “I am not so insecure and needing of their company to go over there when I would much prefer to be here, esp. when I was bored as hell this afternoon. I think I definitely spent enough time with them over the weekend. Also interesting that the drive back we were all sedate and quiet and pretty much spent. I just wanted to get home and didn’t want to engage much.
Anyway, so I think that’s all positive. And I got a LOT of writing done, holy shit. I don’t know how good it was. Probably a good split of so so and not bad. That’s probably my normal output, this NaNo anyway, with some nice paragraphs. Maybe later in the month I will hit more Zen moments and clarity and everlasting vision, or some shit. Frankly at the moment I am EXHAUSTED, which is eminently understandable since even after a 7 hour drive and early morning, I cleaned the house! Then took an hour to eat and watch a show, but otherwise am now working again, working on NaNo. Tiring!!
The main thing I wanted to write about – and what I wanted to write about tonight before seeing him tomorrow night – is Jeff. I won’t belabour the message he sent me on Sat and my response, as that is recorded in my emails if anyone is so interested (in brief, I emailed him looking for support re: seeing my uncle, and he responded with “You’re a big girl now”… Wait, I already talked about this in depth on the laptop. Hah. I guess I may as well update: Carla wrote back with a great re-wording of my email. I sent that and haven’t gotten a response. I don’t expect to. I don’t need to, but an acknowledgement either over email or in person would be nice. Like saying that next time he’ll keep in mind that I’m looking for support and will try to be better at providing that. Sigh. Am I asking too much? (Ani DiFranco reference.) Yeah, I think I may have to dig out that song again. After this word war, certainly. Anyway.
This is slightly depressing, but I don’t think I’m being terribly cynical but rather realistic. I want to record it now before I see him tomorrow and my resolve (or, clarity) fades and I’m all rosy and basking in the glow of physical closeness and gratification…)
I … don’t know if this thing is going to work out, between Jeff and me. I really don’t know. If nothing drastic happens in either of our lives, I can see this continuing for another little or long while – at least another 6 months, maybe a year or more if he does continue to show improvement. But … while I can imagine, realistically, a number of areas where he could improve and I don’t think it’s unrealistic or “changing him” sort of drastic change… There are definitely some unchangeable things that I am not comfortable with. They are things that, everything else being equal, perhaps I could deal with, or if he was an open and communicative partner who was trying to meet me halfway, perhaps we could work on a compromise or at least a mutual understanding. But I don’t have full faith that he is capable of even that – he has surprised me as of late and I suppose it is possible, but I think it unlikely enough that I shouldn’t bank on it, certainly. (The word war is confusing me. I time myself based on the :20 or :15 because that’s usually when they start, but I just realized that these are starting at odd times. :S)
Okay, back to the narrative. SO yeah I think that in the getting away from it all or at least from him I am feeling somewhat disillusioned and like there are a number of fundamental foundational things that likely will not change and with all the other “training” he needs, it just adds up to a big pile of Maybe We’re Not All That Compatible, you know? Let me count the ways…
1) He is condescending and snobby. I am not being mean. I do know he has a good heart, and generally good intentions, but foundationally he really is judgemental and rigid. That’s just not compatible with me. I don’t know if that’s something we could work on, in a way that opposites attract or at least find a way for those things to be complimentary rather than him saying snotty judgemental things that I find exhausting to correct and question him on, or more properly to try to ignore and dismiss (not to any great degree – if he said something horribly offensive, I would have to say something of course, based on degree, but all the minor deluge that is going to come out every day – I think for this relationship to work I have to get to a place where most of that I can just roll my eyes and shake my head at. But if I am going to feel all of his judgement cut so deeply as I do, well, I just can’t live like that, can’t subject myself to that. And I don’t mean to put that on myself. It’s his shit if he’s going to generally be a rough jerk, condescending arse. But do I really want that person in my life?
Now that I am making a numbered list I’m like “Uhhh, whut?” What are other things… There are certainly a few more. : ) Oh. I got one.
2) He does not express sincere and genuine interest in my own life, goals and personal history. When he was in the throes of depression, I could understand the inward focus, as much as it made me sad. Now, when his meds seem to be much much better, I wonder if this is just a trait in him and not situational. Is he just really selfish and short sighted? Again I don’t mean generally. Or at least not wholly. He is a sweetheart. But he really rarely asks me how my day went or expresses an interest in what’s going on with me, though he will talk at length about economical theories he happens to be taken with at the moment (etc). Maybe he has learned in some kind of male socialization way to assume that people will offer things up if they want to talk about them. Maybe this is why dating books and magazines tell men to “Ask her about herself!” Maybe they need to be told? But I seriously find it concerning that he hasn’t asked about my hopes and dreams, that when I mention National Novel Writing Month or something of that nature, he’ll nod and smile but won’t ask more about it *(in that case until he heard my radio interview). I am not entirely positive, but I feel that this is a very bad sign. L
3) Maybe those are the main two, because this one I cannot write about with as much certainty, but I would say: We are not good friends. That’s not even right, but bear with me. Jono and Kelly will lie in bed (I wrote about this last night I believe) and they’ll whisper in each other’s ear and will laugh hysterically. ..I don’t feel Jeff and I have that. But I am not as confident about my judgement in this. Maybe we have something else. I do think we haven’t developed as a couple in that way (in a more public way) and we really need to work on that, otherwise we really are just fuck buddies – or to put a romantic spin on it, we’re really just secret lovers. But I have nothing to be secretive about.
I do think this will be my last word war before a shower, then if Jill is here she will probably get me to do more, and that’s fine.J Oh and I will paste my document. I just remembered I left the laptop thing on. Thing must be dead by now. ^.^; oh well.
Yeah, so I am less confident about that point, and it really comes back to what I already know – our relationship is severely lopsided and uneven. Uneven in a way that Jeff quite likes, that benefits him, that is really suited to his needs and wants, that developed when he was in his depressive ‘it’s all about me’ mode and I was unsure about relationships even ARE and was nice to accommodate him and at that point didn’t really care THAT much. But now I know for the future that this is something to be nipped in the bud early on. I have made some points in this direction and I think he hears me, so time will tell how well he is listening and how interested he is in meeting my needs and trying to accommodate these things that he has grown used to not having to accommodate – being in a serious committed relationship which he seems to want, but not having to deal with the “obligation” or “public” side of things, despite my own needs including these things. If things haven’t improved, certainly after a year of being together, even if I don’t break up with him I will have to seriously think about delegating him – downgrading him – to a fuck buddy or convenient lover, but not a partner or a boyfriend. Which I guess means we shouldn’t be exclusive anymore. I wonder how he will take that. But that would be the most honest. Like, this sex thing is nice and convenient and fun, but you don’t seem to want anything else, so instead of calling this a relationship with you dragging your feel on half the things a relationship requires, let’s call this what it is – a mutually convenient casual friends with benefits. Which means we can date other people, and conveniently this will put less pressure on both of us to meet the others’ needs and such. (Oh how that makes me sad to write that.)
I really am convinced, though, that he would be a wreck without me. I don’t mean in a dependent way, but just that he has gotten used to me and yes I am convinced he is way more crazy about me than he realizes. To suddenly not having me in his life, or at least not in his life in a way he has had me in the last number of months, I think that would throw him for a loop, emotionally. He might not even know what’s going on – be all grumpy and moody, and then one day realise., “Oh! I miss Yolande. That’s why I’ve been so miserable.” And by that time, will I have moved on? If I haven’t, will he be man enough to actually express his feelings and try to give me what I need? I don’t know. Well, after this weekend, getting away, I am sad and cynical because I think I do know. The excitement of being with him tomorrow will make this all fade, but I have this knowledge now: at this point I don’t think we’re compatible, and I don’t know that he wants me in his life enough to make the changes he needs to. I don’t know that we have much of a future.
I do know one thing: If I were to picture the man (or woman) I would want to be with, even being realistic, Jeff would not fit the criteria. I would like someone already self- actualized, for one. Less cynical / negative. Someone who, like Jenny’s boy, is a true equal and is supportive and can give real advice re: work situations, someone you can go to for support and know that you can talk things out and get someone who listens to you and …. Wow, yeah. Poor Jeff. I don’t know what kind of boyfriend material he is. Maybe for someone else. But not for me. I don’t mean that to sound so harsh. L But those are some basic relationship things, right there. L
L L We’ll see how it goes, I guess. I’m not ready to abandon ship right yet.
Okay. They started a 30 minute word war, and even though I felt DONE for the night, I was intrigued by such a long war and said I would take a quick shower and then join in. Quick (which is hard for me to pull off in normal times) turned into long, but I was okay with that because I did some good thinking and scrubbing. But now I will have written for 4 minutes, heh, I’ll probably go a minute longer.
What I want to talk about how – or at least before Thursday – is my assertiveness training. I took it for the first time last year and took it again this year, and unfortunately this year I have had not had as much time to devote to it. I do normally think a lot and so these topics have been on my mind, which is good and a start, but I think half the weeks I haven’t been able to read the reading let alone do the homework. :S And this is the last week! I am sad to have missed an opportunity to explore myself further, as I am definitely in need of these skills; however, I still have gotten a lot out of it. I just could have gotten a lot more, but this is way better than saying “meh, too busy, I’ll try to do it next year”. No this is better than nothing by far. I have made a number of realizations and ponderings, and that’s good. But this week I want to use Nano for my homework and to do a pre- post mortem on it, then a real post mortem after the last class. Then I will be happy to have my Thursday nights free and will at least feel as though I’ve put some thought and effort into this, and I think the time and effort I put in this week will pay off in dividends in terms of self realization.
Huh, apparently the word war is still going, and I thought I went over. Maybe it started a bit later than :00, but only by a minute or two I’m sure. There it is. Over now.
I think Marina just asked me out on a date. Hee! Funny that the girl / woman I’ve been checking out all fall has asked me out on a date. And even if she just means it platonically, it’s still forward enough that she obviously wants to get to know me better, and that in and of itself is flattering.
I opened this document up again because it occurs to me another scenario in my current and near future dating life: one where perhaps concurrent with Jeff moderately increasing, I’m also dating a woman and exploring a different kind of relationship that way. That would actually be a great opportunity for me. That never occurred to me. Or if I’ve been thinking about it it’s been in a sexual way, or in a friends with benefits way. Not in a “this could give me dating experience way” too, but I suppose it could… Hah, would that make me poly? I’m not really comfortable with that (though if I’m the poly one I suppose I am more comfortable with that), but I certainly don’t mind exploring relationships with women, sexual or otherwise, until Jeff becomes a bonafide boyfriend. And if it’s just friendship, that’s awesome too. And if she does intend this as a date but I find I am not interested – that’s okay too! But exploring is nice, and I can always use more friends. And I have definitely felt a pull toward her this semester. It’s funny, I don’t think she really noticed me much, or at least she didn’t seem to, until I asked for her phone number (hah, that makes me sound all forward – we had homework where we were supposed to call each other, but I suppose I really did take the opportunity) and invited her to the haunted house. Where she gave me a love bite! (Nasty bruise on my arm from squeezing so tight when she was scared!) So I suppose I certainly set this all in motion… and I should take credit for that. Go me. J Maybe if this Jeff thing doesn’t work out, I’ll be just fine in the dating world. Maybe I will find that I really have traversed 10 years of dating shite or at least quite a few and am able to approach people and have relationships and not be all anxious and needy…. Even writing that I feel incredibly divorced from that experience, which is incredibly empowering and so refreshing. Very unusual from my experience. J
Okay, 15 minute word war, the first one I’ve initiated on MSN, woo, and maybe my first non-10 minute one (the 30 one last night didn’t count since I showered for 25 of the 30 minutes)…
Today I want to talk about my assertiveness training. I think I started a bit last night. General thoughts, and then I have some homework to do. So, in general, I have definitely gotten a lot out of the class but not as much as I know I could have, but I don’t have the spare time this year to devote to it, so this is better than nothing I figure. It certainly was worth 2 hours of my time per week! It was nice to meet new people, first of all, and perhaps one woman I’ll hopefully get to know better as a friend or otherwise. (I am so distracted right now. Sigh. Jeff and I are supposed to do something tonight, and last Thursday I said I’d be off work at 4 and we should touch base then. But since his crappy email over the weekend, I really didn’t feel like initiating contact, so I waited until about 5:15 to see if he’d contact me. He did not. So I phoned (no answer) and then emailed. By 6:45 I was getting annoyed. I called again (no answer) and emailed again. I ALSO emailed Marina, the woman who might have asked me on a date but certainly invited me to tea. J I said that I might in fact be free tonight to go for tea since boy had not contacted me yet, and as far as I was concerned, he was giving up his might with me if he didn’t contact me soon. So it could be interesting if she contacts me before he does. (Not that she’s free, but it feels nice to have an option other than Sitting In My Room Waiting For Him To Phone. I also want to just take off and go for a walk if I don’t hear from him soon, but I feel ambivalent about that, since that means I wouldn’t be here if Marina contacted me. Sigh. But after 30-40 minutes, I wouldn’t wait much longer for her, either. She might not check her email again all night, who knows. So that puts it at 7:30, and I should be able to get my daily quota by then, or close to it, which will be enough. So, yeah, walk if nothing else, but I will NOT be happy with him. Stupid fucking boy and his hold over me.)
So things I’ve realized or learned from this course: One of the first realizations was that I am NOT assertive with Jeff. I thought I was, or at least I thought I was trying. But it turns out I definitely do not fit their description of assertive. I don’t think I fit the others perfectly either, but I am a lot closer to “passive aggressive” than assertive. At the same time, Terri will advocate passive aggressive things in dating and think that they’re perfectly fine. She is not the Poster Girl for assertiveness, but I think she makes a good point that while assertiveness is great and ideal and all, sometimes there are other ways to make a point in a relationship. And maybe it all depends on intention rather than just behaviour – that’s something I learned last year and is being reinforced this year. But that was an important realization, and if only for that, I am grateful to have taken this course – that realization emphasized something Carla was pointing out to me – that I have equal responsibility for the issues in our relationship, it’s not all about him… So hopefully the crazy emo- ness of about a month ago would not come to pass again. Hopefully!
Hah, the phone rang in the last minute of that word war and it was Marina – apparently she DID ask me on a date (since she can’t do last minute since she’d have to shower if she’s going to “take me out” and it’s already 7 p.m. …Hee, and also oh mi god oh mi god oh mi god. I’m … a little nervous now, and a little scared that I might not be that into her in that way. I mean, I’ve been checking her out all semester, but do I like her enough to actually fool around and such? :S Oh boy, performance anxiety. ;) I think I can DEFINITELY say that I would want to take things slow. And Terri’s right (I just talked to her) that if and when I realize I am not interested sexually or romantically, I should say something, be clear about that. AND if I AM then I guess we’d have to have a boundaries talk, because I am not poly, and it would be very much a friends with benefits situation – maybe a very good friend – with benefits – but I can’t give more than that. Can’t give commitment or equal status with Jeff. Jeff is my #1, and at any point if he wanted me to walk away, I would. Well, right now I say I would. But he’s taking the chance in that I am BI and if I actually fall for her and decide she’s more compatible with me and treats me better than he does, well, he might very well lose me! But apparently he is okay with that, in exchange for the Dream Come True of a woman he has sexual access to explaining in detail her lesbian/ bi exploits. I guess I would also have to talk to her about how his only condition, at this point, is that he wants to hear descriptions about, uh, happenings. So. That might be weird. Not for me, but for her. ANYWAY. She should have an inkling what she’s getting into – she knows I have a boyfriend and am in a relationship (confirmed by Facebook). Another reason, though, that I would want to go slow, since I do NOT know how this thing works, and I would want to take my time to make sure everything was clear and that no one gets hurt…. God. I guess I could write about this on LJ but will people think I’m strange? It all seems so poly. I don’t know how I feel about that. :S
Cyndi Lauper She Bop MAN I love this song. Reminds me of grade 4. HA HA. I feel so young. ;) Seriously, that makes me feel young, not old. I don’t get people’s obsession with “Oh, how that makes me feel old” or “I’m getting old.” In one way, YES YOU ARE. GET OVER IT. We’re all getting older each passing moment and day and year, and in those moments and days and years we pick up wisdom, joy and sorrow, their awnings etched into our faces, stretched out onto our arms and legs and generally letting us in on a great big cosmic secret:
And the word war ended, so that’s all you get. ;)
And a 5 minute word war, my first. Write like the wind! But, yeah, my cousin Sam was saying yesterday or Saturday that we were getting old (we’re the same age), and I’m like “Nooooo,” and she’s like “Yesssssss,” then I said, “Well, it is easier for me to say that, without kids.” Especially without a 15-year-old kid. That’s her oldest! I guess all the teenage moms are feeling pretty old right around now. At the same time, if you refer to Gilmore Girls (and I know I refer all my socio cultural insights to pop culture television shows) you can see how Lorelai is YOUNG. You don’t think she’s old just because she has a 20 year old daughter, and she doesn’t seem to think so either. Granted she’s not in a big city going clubbing each weekend (like I know Sam was at least a few years ago). There are other factors that would make one feel old that have nothing to do with parenting. But, anyway, yeah we are advancing in age and some lines are showing on our face. We can do what we can to minimize those, but the real age lines – those of wisdom and courage, gained through years of struggle and enlightenment – are ones I would never want to erase. I am proud of my age, my generation. I think we’re pretty cool. I like people a few years younger and a few years older. I can get along with people even younger, and even older, and I am proud of that, too. But I have a special pride for those of us born in the late 90s and reared in the 80s and 90s.
And now that I’m in a good writing mood, I’m going to get ready to leave for Jeff’s. J I might email write to myself later if I feel like it. Oh, he called a minute into the Marina phone call, hah. I think I dealt with that well, saying “I didn’t know whether to make other plans, or what.” And he didn’t sound all that impressed. But it would be a good lesson for him! 7:30 by the time he called – that really is getting late, esp. when I had said (though I don’t know if he remembers) I was done work at 4. I said that esp. because I didn’t want him to just call me at 8 saying “Hey! What are we doing tonight?” That is so not cool. Don’t make supper plans or have a meeting or any shit like that. If that happens, fine, but email me apologetically to tell me about it and that we’ll have to do something later. Do NOT just not call until 7 or 8. Not cool!
Looked in You Tube for some music because I don’t want to stop my WMP since I am watching Heroes and I forgot how good it was. Mannnn though I think I am going to have to run to the washroom, my tummy is gurgling, but I just started a word war… Ugh. I wi