The Haunting Of The Orc And Dragon
an excerpt

The idea was very simple. Instead of going home, we would hide in the pub and scare the ever-loving shite out of the film crew. Oh, it was such a deliciously simple and devillish plan. And it wasn’t even going to be hard to pull off. As everyone else was going out of the front doors, we sneaked up into the old games room and hid. Not in the room itself, oh no, that would have been far too simple. No, Figgis had an even better place for us to conceal ourselves. In the loft space.
“Oh you are kidding me!” I said, and looked up at the ladder rising into the dark.
“It’s perfect.” Figgis said. “Because we can watch all the filming from up here and any noise we make will make it all more realistic.”
It may be a good time to point out that we had all had a little to drink at this point.
“Give us a hand up then,” Bel said.
We scrambled up the ladder, Bel first with Figgis behind. There was a strangled “Urk!” Then a giggle. Figgis planted a hand on the span of Bel’s backside and pushed. Bel giggled again. “Hey! Mister!” She squealed. “Mind where you are putting those hands!”
Figgis quipped something that I didn’t quite hear but earned him a slap from Bel. He sniggered and she slapped him again. It wouldn’t have been so bad but we were all standing on the ladder at this point and it shuddered alarmingly. “Move your arse, woman!” He said.
“Hold your frigging horses!” Bel said, then she pulled herself into the loft space. Her face appeared at the edge of the trapdoor. “Bloody hell, it’s dusty up here.”
“What did you expect?” Figgis laughed. “It’s an attic!”
“It’s not.” I said. “It’s a loft. An attic would be a shitload easier to get into.”
“You know, your language doesn’t ‘arf deteriorate when you get pissed.” Figgis observed. “Are you coming?”
“Not in this position.”
“F’narr f’narr.” Figgis said.
I grinned. “Badum tish! I’ll be here all week,”
The thing about climbing ladders is that it sort of requires two hands. Because you need one hand to hold on whilst you move the other hand up. If you do it any other way, you tend to either fall off backwards, or have to lean so far forward into te ladder that you may as well use your teeth as a spare grip. To compensate for my missing arm I was using my armpit. Which worked to a point except that I was climbing the ladder sideways on. Ladders are not meant to be climbed like that. But still, I managed it and got to the top where I was hauled through the hole by Figgis with a good firm grip on the back of my jeans.
“What are you going to do about the ladder?” I asked. Looking down, I wasn’t sure how the hell I was going to get down again.
“I’ll pull it up.” He said. Reached down and knocked it.
The ladder slid lazily from the centre of the trapdoor hole thingy to the side of it, hanging only by the end of the runner. Figgis reached out further and tried to grasp it. His fingers banged against the wooden ladder , which then swung round, missing the other side of the hole and took the ladder too far. It stood for a second, perfectly vertical. Then it clattered to the floor.