Sympathy-How the Devil Found His Soul
an excerpt

Chapter 2
We arrived at Satan’s place and found Buddha already waiting for us.
“What have you been up to Buddha?” I asked.
“Nothing.” He said. Typical.
Inside, I helped put the leaf in the table and get the snacks out. Satan had ordered a great meat platter from the deli down the street. The perfect meal for a bunch of demons.
It wasn’t long before there was a knock on the door. Jesus and Gabriel walked in. Gabriel cast a mean glance at me.
“You have some nerve showing your face here tonight.”
Get caught cheating once and you never live it down. I ignored him. Up until this point, I had had a shitty day and I wasn’t about to let him make it worse.
“Yo, Jesus” I pronounced with a silent J, the way the Mexicans do—that always annoyed him. “You remember to bring the Habanas with you?”
Jesus reached into his robe and pulled out a fistful of cigars. You could always count on that guy to do what he promised. I took a cigar from him and lit it.
“What are you smoking inside for?” Satan asked.
“The Dark Lord has a problem with a little smoke?” I asked.
“No, but my mother does.”
Shit, I forgot she was staying with him this week.
“I’ll never hear the end of her nagging about the smell of smoke on her clothes. Now put it out.”
I stubbed the stogie out on a doily that lay on one of the end tables by the couch, then dropped the cigar into a flower vase.
“If your mother is here, did you have her make that great bean dip she does?” Gabriel asked.
“No, she just got in this morning. She’s out with her friend Ernie tonight.”
“If she’s out with Ernie, why’d you make me put out the cigar?” I asked.
“She’ll smell it when she comes back home. Now go get the poker chips out of the closet.”
“You don’t want to wait for Asmodeous and Legion?”
Just then, there was a knock at the door. No one moved to get it.
“Someone want to get the door?” I asked.
“You get it Meph.” Satan said.
“I’m getting the chips.” I said. “Why don’t you let Jesus get it? You know, he has that whole ‘knock and the door shall be opened..’ thing going anyway.”
“Just get the damn door.” Satan said.
“Fine.” I went over to the door and opened it. Hillary Clinton and Rosie O’Donnel were standing in the hallway.
“What do you want? You looking for campaign contributions, Hillary?” I asked.
“Legion invited us.” Rosie said. They pushed past me into the room. They had started coming to the weekly games about two months ago. I really wish Satan would remember to tell them they aren’t allowed back. I think he might be worried that Hillary has a chance at the Presidency though and does not want to get on her bad side. It was bad enough when the ice queen was pissed off at him for tempting Bill with that Lewinsky broad.
“Make yourself at home.” Satan said when he saw them.
“Great, that’s just what we need.” I muttered.
We sat down and began buying our poker chips. I usually was banker, but like I said, last week I got caught cheating, so they put me far away from the extra chips this time. Asmodeous came in while we were still setting things up. He pushed past Gabriel and took a seat between Satan and Rosie.
“So, you decide if you want any help taking care of Donald?” Asmodeous asked Rosie.
“Screw that guy.” She said.
“I didn’t think you were into that sort of thing.” I said.
“Screw you, you rat.” She said.
“Rosie, please.” Said Jesus.
“And you too.” She yelled. That vein on her forehead was standing out and her chins jiggled like Santa Claus’ belly.
I could see that this was shaping to be a wonderful night.
“I need a drink.” I said. “Anyone want anything?”
“Nothing for me,” Buddha said.
“Anyone else?”
“Jack, straight.” Jesus said.
I went into the kitchen and poured myself a jack and coke, and a jack for Christ. I brought out the two cups and the bottle and set them all on the table.
“Well, no sign of Legion. Let’s start playing.” Satan said.
He dealt the cards. A hand of five card draw. I looked at my cards. A pair of two. Figures. I’m not that good at bluffing either. I put down the other three cards, and hoped for something good.
“I’ve got nothing.” Buddha said, laying down his cards on the table.
Just then, the front door opened and Legion came in.
“Hey guys.” He said as he pranced across the room to the table. “How is everyone doing tonight?”
He plucked a pretzel from the dish on the table, and nibbled on the tip of it while he swished into the chair between Jesus and me. I really, really wish he wouldn’t have sat next to me. I should have paid better attention to where I sat earlier. I suppose it is better to be groped by Legion than used as a punching bag by Asmodeous all night.
We finished our hand, and soon, Jesus had dealt the next hand. Buddha quickly laid down his cards, proclaiming he had nothing. That guy either did not know how to play poker, or he has terrible luck. I’ve never seen him play through a hand yet. Even with bad cards, the least he could do is bluff. Hell, all of us would probably fall for it since he always folds. That’s ok though. I am at peace with taking his money.
“Jesus Christ, who dealt this shit?” Said Asmodeous.
“I did.” Said Jesus. The humor was lost on him.
“Think you can take me, Jesus?” I asked, staring at him. I had a pretty good hand—a full house, kings over jacks.
He tossed his cards on the table, leaving me and Legion in the hand. Legion called my bet, so I laid my cards on the table, and started reaching to collect the pot, only he blocked me by laying his hand on my wrist and showed me his Ace high full house.
“Fabulous!” he said, raking the chips toward him.
Legion is an embarrassment to us demons. I mean, I understand that homosexuality is a sin, and it is a great way to get people to abandon the enemy’s side, but at the same time, who is going to be scared of a gay demon? He spends his efforts in the fashion district, trying to spread corruption through high style.
I’ll admit, he is good at what he does. He was the mastermind behind that show, Queer Eye. Not only were the fab five personal successes of his, but he was able to work with them to spread their gay message across the entire country. Now, I’m not saying everyone suddenly wanted to be gay, but you did get some straight men into some Prada shoes, which is certainly a step in that direction.
“So, how has everyone’s week gone?” asked Gabriel.
That guy couldn’t leave work alone. I’m sure he used this game as a means to gather information about what we had on our agenda. I mean, we always got some info too, but the nerve of this guy. I just prayed that Satan keep his mouth shut. All I needed was for what happened today to get out to anyone here at this table. I am sure the “good” guys would be overjoyed to hear of satan’s struggles and Asmodeous and Legion would be lining up, trying to take Satan’s place. If Asmodeous got the job, hell would become a lot less pleasant. Asmodeous is a brute and he runs things with an iron fist. If Legion somehow took charge, we’d all be running around in Gucci and Prada—talk about going to hell in an Italian leather hand basket.
“I saw you up on the upper-east side today Satan, what were you doing there?” Rosie asked.
Damn that cow, I thought. Where is Donald Trump when you need him to help shut this bitch up? I need to remember to invite him next week.
“I was thinking.” Satan said.
“What about?” asked Gabriel.
“Throwing in the towel.” Satan replied.
I slapped my face with my hand. What was Darkness doing? This is the worst possible time for honesty. Now, everyone’s attention was on Satan.
“Throwing in the towel?” Jesus asked. “Why?”
“Throwing in the towel head.” I said. “He meant throwing in the towel head. We’re working with Mohammad to stir up another terrorist attack in the city. It’ll be good business for all of us.”
Satan glared at me, but before he could say anything, Hillary spoke up.
“There’s no way you’re going to do another attack in this city. That is bound to kill me in the polls, just when things are starting to look up.”
“Are you sure it would be a bad thing for you?” Rosie asked. “Certainly you could blame it on Bush and the incumbents.”
“I’m not talking about Jihadists attacking New York, Hillary.” Satan interrupted. “I am talking about falling into a rut with my job.”
Asmodeous and Legion both perked up with this. I could see the lights behind Legion’s eyes as he had already started redecorating the planes of Hell in his mind. Great, this is just what we needed. Surrounded at the table by enemies, and Darkness has to go show everyone his weak spot.
“You will not find meaning in your work.” Buddha said. “To find true meaning, you need to cast off your ego and find peace.”
“Somehow I think he’s gonna have a problem with that one.” I blurted out.
“Are you even able to quit?” Jesus asked. “What sort of repercussion would that have on the apocalypse?”
“I guess that’s a question for your Dad.” Satan said.
“Don’t fight it Lord,” Gabriel whispered, “this is the victory we’re looking for.”
“I am not trying to stand in his way, nor am I trying to encourage him.” Jesus said. “I am merely wondering if it is feasible. Can the devil up and quit?”
“It doesn’t really matter.” I said--I had to do some sort of damage control. “He has decided not to quit.”
Asmodeous tore apart a chicken wing as he glared at me. I choked down the knot that rose in my throat and continued.
“We talked about this earlier before you all came over. He’s going to find his lust for life again. It is the bureaucracy of the whole system that has him down. Managing an organization this big for such a long time takes its toll on you.”
“Well, that is part of it, but it isn’t exactly what is getting me down.” Satan said. “It has just become too easy. The human race is full of sin and corruption, and quite frankly, they don’t even need my help anymore.”
“I don’t know about that,” Jesus said. “I don’t think it is any different from times past when sin got out of control. Think back to Sodom and Gomorrah.”
“I would rather not.” Gabriel said. “Those Sodomites were not very good hosts.”
“Did Sodom and Gomorrah have furries?” Satan asked. Everyone in the room shivered, except for Rosie, who blushed.
“All I am saying is that it comes and goes in waves. Sometimes there are periods of righteousness, and then there are periods of sin.” Jesus said.
“Balance,” Buddha said, “all things in existence must have balance.”
I shuffled my cards around in my hand. I had to get off this topic soon, before things got worse.
“It’s ok though. We found a solution to the Dark Lord’s problem.” I said. “He’s going to work at getting back to the basics.”
“Pushing apples?” Gabriel asked.
“No, you idiot. The seven deadlies. We’re going to look for a few good clients who will offer a challenge, and work them over real good.”
People around the table nodded.
“You can have your way with Bill” Hillary said.
“I said challenges. He’s hardly a challenge.” I laid my cards down.
“Yeah, he probably sold his soul for the Presidency anyway. Most do.” Jesus said.
“No he didn’t.” Satan said. “He traded me Hillary’s soul. He had already given me his for a go with a girl back in high school.”
“That bastard.” Hillary said.
“I didn’t think she had a soul.” Buddha mumbled.
“Some real upstanding citizen types. We’re not going to push for serial killers and stuff. That’s too easy. I’m talking cops, teachers, priests.”
“Oh, those will be hard.” Hillary said.
“Real pillars of the community.” Jesus said.
“See, this is what I’m talking about.” Satan said. “Even those who used to present a challenge are a pushover these days.”
“I know what you mean,” said Jesus “but if anyone is going to give up, don’t you think it should be me? We’re losing our number. You guys are the ones gaining people right and left.”
“Can we just get back to the game?” I said. “I’ve got a good hand I don’t want to waste here.” In reality, I didn’t have shit, but I think they bought into it.